LoveLace Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Met a guy on yahoo personals. I thought he was cute, so I said to email me, and he hit me back with his phone # and that's it, right away. Thought that was a little fast but I took it as a compliment. So I called, and our 1st conversation was cool. A little later, we talked again and I noticed he was quite talkative - about himself...more interested in that than me, it seemed. But he mentioned shoveling snow for his elderly neighbor, which I thought was sweet... We did seem to agree on "might as well meet and get it over with" theory. He definitely talked as though he wanted a relationship with someone. At 1st we were going to meet for a drink, and he desired that I go to his city instead of him coming to mine (1st clue). But smoking is banned everywhere there, and we both smoke, so I agreed to just meet as his place, which I was apprehensive about but I had no reason to worry so far. He was quite sexy in person. He started with a little affection like right away (hug, that's ok). Then he wanted to get liqour, but wanted ME to run into the store because he was just there earlier! He gave me $5 but the purchase came to $12. I got in the car and said you owe me $7. He paid back at his place, which was cool. He was smacking my a%$ and tickling the tatoo on my low back before even trying to kiss me. We were sitting on the couch side by side, then he lays down to pretty much hog the couch. So I got up and sat in another chair. Then, he said I made him feel bad so maybe I should leave. "If you are uncomfortable maybe you should leave and we'll figure it out later"...I basically said no, if your telling me to leave there is no later! I explained I need to get warmed up 1st, that's all. He agreed to sit side-by-side on the couch as before. We agreed on a movie. He put his arm around me and I was ok with rest my face on his chest, where he stroked my hair and kissed my head. 2 min later, he decided to lay down again, resting his legs on my lap. He kept saying "come here" but I nicely explained I didn't want to, so that I could finish my beer! He then got up, said "Oh, shut up" and went into his room, where he laid down and fell asleep! So I bolted without even saying good-bye. Was I just scared, or was I right to ditch the guy?
Jilly Bean Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 well.... I think if you meet a guy off the net, show up at his house, go on a booze run, and then hang and tell him that you "need to get warmed up first", that it ALL sends the message that you are there to get laid. He realized you wouldn't put out, so he went to sleep. LL - what was your expectation in all this? Was it sex? Because if not, never EVER meet a stranger at his house Besides being dangerous, guys will (and did) read it as you have your boundaries down enough to go to a strangers house, buy booze, etc., then you are also down for the horizontal mombo. I just think that your actions should match your goal, and not work counterproductively. Be safe!
Tony T Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Was I just scared, or was I right to ditch the guy? You should have ditched the guy before that point. He was an immature loser. And while we are talking about this, DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER go to some guy's home or apartment who you met on the Internet. Get to know him out in public a bit first. In any case, the guy gave you a number of clues right up front that he's wacky and you just don't need the aggravation. Thank your lucky stars you learned all this about him right up front. If he treated you this bad knowing so little, just think how he would take you for granted and give you the trash treatment later on. I hope you feel great about getting rid of this one. And yes, you should always be scared when you go to stranger's places. GEEZE!
Author LoveLace Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 I wasn't there for sex at all, I was just willing to meet the guy. And I thought he was cute, so I tried to just enjoy the attention/affection, but it was aggressive affection...and he failed to see why I was shy about this. So f*k 'em.
Jilly Bean Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I wasn't there for sex at all, I was just willing to meet the guy. And I thought he was cute, so I tried to just enjoy the attention/affection, but it was aggressive affection...and he failed to see why I was shy about this. So f*k 'em. Ah, well in that case, it's not so much a f*ck him thing, but more, do you think (in retrospect) it was wise to go to a strangers house, or do you think it 1) set up an expectation you were not willing to meet or 2) put yourself in harms way?
carhill Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Can you still smoke in a public park? If so, try that next time. Anyplace public. At first blush, me think you go way too fast but me prude The guy sounded immature.
Author LoveLace Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) Perhaps I set up an expectation I wasn't willing to meet, but obviously I didn't do that on purpose. I calmly listened to what he'd tell me about himself, but when I would reciprocate that way, he wasn't as interested. I was trying to make it clear I just wanted to get to know each other 1st...I understand why going to his house on an internet date is risky, otherwise why does going there have to mean I'm going to have sex? Why is it not possible to have conversation there, vs. a bar or somewhere else? If you automatically I assume I'm only at your house to sleep with you, then your arrogant if you ask me. Too bad since he was hot..oh well! Guess I don't see why it's not possible to have a 1st date at someone's house without someone assuming it's a sexual invitation... Edited March 6, 2008 by LoveLace
Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 [Kamille bangs her head against her desk repeatedly in desperation] Perhaps I set up an expectation I wasn't willing to meet, but obviously I didn't do that on purpose. I calmly listened to what he'd tell me about himself, but when I would reciprocate that way, he wasn't as interested. I was trying to make it clear I just wanted to get to know each other 1st...I understand why going to his house on an internet date is risky, otherwise why does going there have to mean I'm going to have sex? Why is it not possible to have conversation there, vs. a bar or somewhere else? If you automatically I assume I'm only at your house to sleep with you, then your arrogant if you ask me. Too bad since he was hot..oh well! Guess I don't see why it's not possible to have a 1st date at someone's house without someone assuming it's a sexual invitation... Do you really want to improve your lovelife Lovelace? Then please listen to what everyone is telling you. There are security reasons involved, but there's more then that. If you had met this guy in another place but his home, you would have sent the signal that you are someone to be taken seriously. By accepting to go to his home, you're sending mixed signals. He's hoping he can get away with giving you crap. So, one of the reason why it's important to insist on being taken out on a proper date is so that 1) avoid dangerous situations 2) send out the 'take-me-seriously vibe 3) weed out losers.
Citizen Erased Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 You should have ditched the guy before that point. He was an immature loser. And while we are talking about this, DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER go to some guy's home or apartment who you met on the Internet. Get to know him out in public a bit first. I know! You need to be more careful LL. He obviously thought he was getting lucky and when he realised you weren't in fact going to "put out", he went to bed Next time, a restaurant is adviseable. Choosing to smoke above your need for personal safety is not a good idea
carhill Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Guess I don't see why it's not possible to have a 1st date at someone's house without someone assuming it's a sexual invitation... It is possible but you have to know the man first from personal encounters prior to a "first date". I lived alone for 15 years and had many women to my house for dinner and didn't paw them, since I was trying to get to know them. The caveat was we had already established a relationship/friendship in public prior and they trusted me to be a gentleman. BTW, a "hot" guy can be a gentleman too. They do exist Of course, I was looking for a future wife. I think how we handle encounters turns on our expectations. What are you looking for?
Author LoveLace Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 So, one of the reason why it's important to insist on being taken out on a proper date is so that 1) avoid dangerous situations 2) send out the 'take-me-seriously vibe 3) weed out losers. I left didn't I! It isn't like I'm sitting here defending the guy! I've done "house" 1st dates before, without the guy being so aggresive. It isn't like I'm shocked by the deal, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. AND it isn't like I'm unaware that going to his house was risky, I felt uneasy, but I am a big girl so if I had the slightest inkling he could be dangerous, I wouldn't do it. However, I didn't think he would be such a big baby!
D-Lish Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Perhaps I set up an expectation I wasn't willing to meet, but obviously I didn't do that on purpose. I calmly listened to what he'd tell me about himself, but when I would reciprocate that way, he wasn't as interested. I was trying to make it clear I just wanted to get to know each other 1st...I understand why going to his house on an internet date is risky, otherwise why does going there have to mean I'm going to have sex? Why is it not possible to have conversation there, vs. a bar or somewhere else? If you automatically I assume I'm only at your house to sleep with you, then your arrogant if you ask me. Too bad since he was hot..oh well! Guess I don't see why it's not possible to have a 1st date at someone's house without someone assuming it's a sexual invitation... It's just that going to someone's house on the first date can lead to you getting hurt or raped or worse. I know it sounds macabre- but it's the truth. There are a lot of predators that hang out online. A lot of dirt bags, creeps...etc. First and foremost it's important to take care of your own safety. This guy was obviously a creep. He was looking for sex and he responded like a jerk when he didn't get what he wanted. First rule of thumb: meet in public the first time. If someone wants you to come to their place the first time, it's usually an indication that they have intentions... I have had at least three bad experience with creeps from internet dating. One guy I stupidly added to my facebook after numerous conversations on MSN, and he found out all my personal info from simply knowing my name and city.... phone book gave him my number and address- facebook had an awning of my work. Well, the dude stalked me and showed up at my work and then cornerned me in my driveway after waiting outside my loft for me to come home. I had never met him before that and had told him to get lost when he called me out of the blue at 3am one night. Situation#2: I met a guy at a restaurant. He got drunk and accused the waiter of flirting with me. He got angry and caused a scene, followed me to the bathroom and tried to push his way into my bathroom stall. I snuck out and went to my car where he was waiting (we had met in a parking lot which I thought was being smart)... anyhow- he tried to force himself on my against my car and when I refused he started shaking me. #3: I went to someone's place once after talking to him at length and figuring he was a nice guy. WHen I got inside he had s&m gear hanging on his wall and a porno sitting out on the coffee table. I ran out of there. I want to tell you these stories to alert you to what kind of creepsters are out there. I am very, very careful now. If someone sends me a phone number right away or just sends me an msn address right away.... I don't respond. I have even had guys that come off as nice after talking to them on the dating site- I add them to MSN and they immediately ask for naked pics or a web cam show.... Okay- having said this- I have had many great dates with some good guys. It's hit or miss- it really is. Just be careful. I wanted to post my experiences to let you know what kind of things are out there. The only person I invited to my house on the first date from online dating was a guy who messaged me- we spoke for about a month and found out we had mutual friends. I told him up front I wasn't interested in sex and that he could pick me up and we could grab a coffee. That one worked out.... but I had asked mutual friends about him, all of which agreed he was a stand up guy. Still wasn't smart of me to do. Soooo please be careful.
Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 So, one of the reason why it's important to insist on being taken out on a proper date is so that 1) avoid dangerous situations 2) send out the 'take-me-seriously vibe 3) weed out losers I left didn't I! It isn't like I'm sitting here defending the guy! I've done "house" 1st dates before, without the guy being so aggresive. It isn't like I'm shocked by the deal, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. AND it isn't like I'm unaware that going to his house was risky, I felt uneasy, but I am a big girl so if I had the slightest inkling he could be dangerous, I wouldn't do it. However, I didn't think he would be such a big baby! You left once he went to bed. That hardly counts. He exited the date first. And please don't feel like you have to defend your actions. Please hear us out. Make guys take you out on first dates. Punto. A man should make the effort to take you out in a nice restaurant or to a movie. By going to their places, you're setting the bar too low.
Author LoveLace Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Of course, I was looking for a future wife. I think how we handle encounters turns on our expectations. What are you looking for? Just a guy who is as equally as into me as I am into him. This guy didn't give me the chance to be into him, not into him enough anyway. When our original plans where to meet at a public place, he said, "if we're comfortable with each other maybe we can go to my place and watch a movie"...back of brain thought whoah slow your horses, buddy. But at least showed concern for being comfortable. i could say I put him in a situation of which it's almost inevitable that I might feel uncomfortable, then again that would be blaming myself...f*k that, blaming myself for my dating failures is the old me.
Author LoveLace Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 You left once he went to bed. That hardly counts. He exited the date first. In my eyes, this was a big baby pouting that I didn't want to get more physical, trying to get my attention because he knew I liked him at least a little, otherwise I'd a left the 1st time it got weird. In my eyes, I dissed him, because trust me, he wanted me bad.
Jilly Bean Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 LL - I hear you getting defensive, and I want you to know that NO ONE is attacking you. Please don't feel the need to defend yourself (or him). The comments are not a personal attack, but a genuine concern for your safety. I think the point we are all making is that it's not the smartest thing to meet a stranger at his house. EVER. Keep in mind that everyone thought Ted Bundy was a super personable guy. Online or on the phone, a man can appear to be wonderful. And maybe he is. Or maybe he's not... It's just wise to test that vibe in a neutral spot that doesn't put you at risk. This isn't about who ended the date, or if he was into you - that's all irrelevant to the larger message. Which is really about you not putting yourself in danger. I'm not only surprised you went there to begin with, but that you stayed as long as you did, and only did leave once he went to sleep. That had to have been a horrible experience all the way around. I know that OLD is a new venture for you, and the rules are a bit different than perhaps meeting a guy who is friends with your friends, or someone you work with.
Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Ok I'm so totally done chastising you Lovelace. But it just hit me: You just had a date with DateAnalyser!! Remember him? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127292/
Star Gazer Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 So, one of the reason why it's important to insist on being taken out on a proper date is so that 1) avoid dangerous situations 2) send out the 'take-me-seriously' vibe 3) weed out losers. Do you see how agreeing to go to his house on the first date absolutely, positively isn't a proper date?
NuTuDating Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 You did well ditching him. Those kinds of guys are the ones that screw it up for the rest of us.
Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 In my eyes, this was a big baby pouting that I didn't want to get more physical, trying to get my attention because he knew I liked him at least a little, otherwise I'd a left the 1st time it got weird. In my eyes, I dissed him, because trust me, he wanted me bad. Of course he wanted you bad Lovelace. I've seen a pic of you in your avatar (you were lying on a beach or something) and you're a goodlooking woman. You have a great sense of humour, you're obviously very open-minded, you have a lot of spunk. So the question isn't whether or not you have the goods. You do. The question is how to best go about meeting potential candidates so that there is no ambiguity as to the fact that in order to be with you, a man needs to show respect. I didn't make the rules and they likely don't apply to the whole planet, but the fact is that most men like a woman who is a challenge. Sadly, unless you clearly indicate that you are one, a good percentage of them will try to get away with less - or else won't be interested. So make sure you make them make some effort to be with you. Hey, they like it like that.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 At least you got out of there. IF the events hadn't played out the way it did, who knows what might've happened. Maybe you should consider dating NuTuDating? Seems like a sincere guy compared to your "date"
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 PLEASE do not EVER go to someone's house first that you met on the internet. There were three rapes in Prince George's County Maryland in the last couple of months from internet dating. The women all went to the man's apartment and he raped them. Please don't do that again for your safety.
carhill Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 <What do you want?>Just a guy who is as equally as into me as I am into him. This guy didn't give me the chance to be into him, not into him enough anyway. OK, I think I understand this . More specifically, are you looking for a short-term relationship, long-term, potential live-in, potential husband? It may sound overly simplistic, but the "interview" process is very different for each of these potentials. I dated a lot of women who really weren't interested in anything long-term prior to understanding how to "interview" them in the first few dates to better understand their desires. My wife and I corresponded for over a month before meeting at a restaurant for lunch (she got lost and was late, portending the rest of our life ), but we knew we were on the same page regarding our desires and only had to resolve the "into you" part. I made a ton of mistakes dating and did it for nearly two decades, so IMO just consider these things learning experiences and be glad the jerk was harmless. Lots of potential suitors out there...get moving!
StartingOver07 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I left didn't I! It isn't like I'm sitting here defending the guy! I've done "house" 1st dates before, without the guy being so aggresive. It isn't like I'm shocked by the deal, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. AND it isn't like I'm unaware that going to his house was risky, I felt uneasy, but I am a big girl so if I had the slightest inkling he could be dangerous, I wouldn't do it. However, I didn't think he would be such a big baby! If people could rely on their "inklings" then no one would ever be date-raped or attacked by an acquaintance, or get into the wrong car when hitch-hiking, or get ripped off by a scam artist, etc., etc. The other piece of this scenario is that if you want to be perceived as relationship material, you need to act like relationship material. And that means not going to a guy's house to drink and hang out on your first meeting. He wasn't a baby. He simply didn't have the same expectation for the evening you did. Once he understood that, he lost interest.
Ariadne Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Was I just scared, or was I right to ditch the guy? No. That guy was crap. You were there looking for a boyfriend and romance, and that guy didn't want anything to do with you, maybe get a BJ or something. Sorry you are having such a hard time meeting guys, it's hard. Hopefully you'll meet someone awesome because I think you are a great catch.
Recommended Posts