I get compliments from everyone EXCEPT my boyfriend

[shanny]

Me and my bf have been together for about 9 months. It's been a very rocky 9 months (you'll know if you read my other posts). Well everything is going fairly smoothly for now but he never compliments me anymore. The thing that bothers me the most is that I get compliments everywhere I go (I know that sounds conceited... I swear I'm really not). People tell me I'm hot or pretty and my bf used to do that. I just want him to appreciate me. There are other things that people compliment me on too, like about my values... you know, the things that make me who I am (like being a vegetarian animal rights activist and proud doggy mommy). He doesn't even seem to notice my best traits anymore.

 

And even more annoying is that he is sooo quick to mention a hot girl on TV or something. I asked him if he still thinks I'm hot and he said of course. I told him that he doesn't tell me anymore and he apologized. That was like two weeks ago and not once since then has he complimented me. Has this happened to anyone else? Do you think he does appreciate me but just assumes that I know it or do you think the novelty has worn off for him? Now I'm not the type of girl that needs compliments constantly, but it would be nice to know my bf thinks I'm sexy. It's only been 9 months!

[prairiechicken]

I can sympathize with you on this one. My boyfriend used to do the same thing (or NOT do, I suppose). In my situation, we had more problems compiled on top of his lack of complimenting me, and I made the mistake of allowing a couple of guy friends to jump on my weakness and kiss me because I was in such a messed up state. However, I ended my behaviour, never told my boyfriend (to spare him and his feelings), and I really tried to get to the root of the problem. When I brought up the lack of complimenting, he did the same thing your boyfriend did and apologized and said that yes, I was still hot, and then didn't compliment me again until I'd bring it up again. I finally had enough, and sat him down one day and told him how hurt that made me feel, how I didn't feel like I was valued by him, and that I thought he didn't really care. I told him that I don't need to be complimented 24/7, but I need to hear from him VERBALLY from time-to-time that he finds me attractive/talented/etc., rather than just assuming it. It took a little while for him to process it, but now I'm hearing those comments more and more often and it feels so good to know he's being considerate enough to tell me those things. A reason for this is that guys tend to get comfortable fast after they've won your affections, and don't think it's necessary to tell you how hot or wonderful you are all the time anymore, because well, they finally have snagged you. You need to verbalize your concerns to him, and if he doesn't seem to consider your thoughts too much, maybe reevaluate your relationship to see if you really deserve to put up with that kind of ignorance. It sounds innocent to me, but if a person can't learn from their mistakes, then they need to be taught the hard way, unfortunately. Good luck!

[Phateless]

Me and my bf have been together for about 9 months. It's been a very rocky 9 months (you'll know if you read my other posts). Well everything is going fairly smoothly for now but he never compliments me anymore. The thing that bothers me the most is that I get compliments everywhere I go (I know that sounds conceited... I swear I'm really not). People tell me I'm hot or pretty and my bf used to do that. I just want him to appreciate me. There are other things that people compliment me on too, like about my values... you know, the things that make me who I am (like being a vegetarian animal rights activist and proud doggy mommy). He doesn't even seem to notice my best traits anymore.

 

And even more annoying is that he is sooo quick to mention a hot girl on TV or something. I asked him if he still thinks I'm hot and he said of course. I told him that he doesn't tell me anymore and he apologized. That was like two weeks ago and not once since then has he complimented me. Has this happened to anyone else? Do you think he does appreciate me but just assumes that I know it or do you think the novelty has worn off for him? Now I'm not the type of girl that needs compliments constantly, but it would be nice to know my bf thinks I'm sexy. It's only been 9 months!

 

Do you really need to be complimented that often? Are you that insecure? I think he assumes after telling you every day for close to 9 months that you're hot, that you would believe him and know he thinks that. My ex used to get on my case about this and it was a little ridiculous.

 

How often do YOU compliment HIM?

[shanny]

Thanks prairiechicken... it's good to know I'm not the only one! And phateless... I am insecure. The thing that gets me the most is how he can say so many other girls are hot and I just want to hear it about me. The thing that worries me is that he is very selfish and fickle and I'm scared that he's bored with me. You could be right though... he said it a lot at the beginning. Maybe he thinks that he said it enough. I used to get dressed and he would tell me if an outfit looks hot. Now I can put on the sexiest thing and he doesn't say anything about this. It's just scary thinking that the novelty has already worn off. It's only been nine months. And I do compliment him a lot. I think he is even more gorgeous than the day I met him. Hopefully he feels the same...

 

Thanks again for your advice!

[Phateless]

Thanks prairiechicken... it's good to know I'm not the only one! And phateless... I am insecure. The thing that gets me the most is how he can say so many other girls are hot and I just want to hear it about me. The thing that worries me is that he is very selfish and fickle and I'm scared that he's bored with me. You could be right though... he said it a lot at the beginning. Maybe he thinks that he said it enough. I used to get dressed and he would tell me if an outfit looks hot. Now I can put on the sexiest thing and he doesn't say anything about this. It's just scary thinking that the novelty has already worn off. It's only been nine months. And I do compliment him a lot. I think he is even more gorgeous than the day I met him. Hopefully he feels the same...

 

Thanks again for your advice!

 

I don't think the novelty has worn off, I think he's probably just feeling pressured and sick of constantly babysitting your insecurities. I'm not trying to be harsh or mean, just honest. My ex did this to me and it drove me up the wall. It was like she was constantly setting traps for me so that she could reserve the right to be mad at me at any time.

 

You need to learn to tell the difference between intuition, logical thought, and insecurities. Your "theories" about why he doesn't compliment are all driven by insecurities and may not have any bearing on reality.

 

Insecurity is VERY unattractive to me. I don't want a girl whose emotions I have to tiptoe around all the time. NOT FUN!

 

Next time he says another girl is hot, notice the thoughts you say to yourself, and then point out to yourself that they are simply not true and it's only your insecurities talking. Then make a conscious decision that it's safe to ignore those thoughts and try to prevent them from affecting any of your actions. Over time, it improves.

 

Next time he says "she's hot," instead of asking if she's hotter than you (WRONG ANSWER!!) say "yeah she is, want me to get her number for you? :p" and laugh it off. Be playful and confident. That's much more attractive.

[blackbird]

From what I've been told, the physical novelty wears off a lot quicker than nine months. It's not something I can understand completely as a woman -- like you, I find my SO even more attractive now than when we were first dating. Our physical attraction is intensified through our emotional connection, and continued exposure doesn't weaken it, it strengthens it. For guys, the default seems to be that continued exposure weakens primal attraction.

 

As far as I can tell, it's not so much that they've become complacent now that they've snagged you, as prairiechicken says -- that would be assuming that the reason that they were complimenting you earlier on in the relationship was to 'snag' you. Guys in my experience just aren't that calculated with their compliments. If they say "You look hot", it's because, well, they thought you looked hot. If they stop telling you that they're attracted to you, it's probably pretty straightforward -- he's just not as stimulated visually by you like he was in the beginning, on the primal level. Not because you're any less attractive. But guys are visual creatures who are stimulated by visual variety. It wouldn't matter if you were the most gorgeous woman on the planet.

 

I think the fading compliments issue -- which comes up time and time again on these boards -- is just a cover for the deeper issue, that of fading attraction. Telling him to give you more compliments isn't going to make him more attracted to you, which is, at heart, what you actually want. Even if he obliged by complimenting you more often, it wouldn't work unless he actually meant them. What I believe you want is, not for him to just pay you more compliments, but for him to pay attention to the beauty that you possess, like you do for him, and making you not feel taken for granted. It's a rare guy who seems to be able to do that past the initial externally stimulated stage.

[Cobra_X30]

and I made the mistake of allowing a couple of guy friends to jump on my weakness and kiss me because I was in such a messed up state. However, I ended my behaviour, never told my boyfriend (to spare him and his feelings),

 

A reason for this is that guys tend to get comfortable fast after they've won your affections, and don't think it's necessary to tell you how hot or wonderful you are all the time anymore, because well, they finally have snagged you.

 

Not really. In my experience men have a much lower requirement for external validation. Therefore we tend to give it less. You see it more at the start because he is expressing how he feels. Once you already know... why should he have to tell you again... and again... and again. That is more how we guys think.

 

Now, how often do you compliment him?

 

And if you have not told him about making out with other guys (cheating) then you have not actually addressed the problem. Never build a relationship on lies! He deserves to know...

[xpaperxcutx]

 

And if you have not told him about making out with other guys (cheating) then you have not actually addressed the problem. Never build a relationship on lies! He deserves to know...

 

Yes, she cheated, but that was the result of the lack of attraction and/ affection her bf has shown to her. She was looking for fullfillment somewhere else. In this case we can't exactly place all the blame on her.

 

OP, you need to realize that what you're feeling right now stems mostly from insecurities. Yes, its frustrating when it seems your SO has become distant in regards to your physical beauties, in fact, thats one of the main insecurities dealt by women, but you do not need him to validate you. You, yourself know how beautiful you are, so don't you forget that. So he doesn't give compliments to you? No biggie. Compliment how attractive that guy is in the commercial, see how he likes it.

[RecordProducer]

Me and my bf have been together for about 9 months. It's been a very rocky 9 months

This is one reason.

 

proud doggy mommy

Is that your doggy in your avatar?

 

And even more annoying is that he is sooo quick to mention a hot girl on TV or something.

He is apparently passive-aggressive and this is the other reason. But it's related to the first one as he is punishing you for the things from the past through this behavior. He could also be very insecure (all P/A people are), especially since you're hot - and that's his way of punishing you for being better than him. Why he used to do that at the beginning (all P/A people are very sweet at first) is because you were still a challenge and he wanted to conquer you. Also, the relationship was not yet so frustrating for him and his ego.

[BUENG1]

Yes' date=' she cheated, but that was the result of the lack of attraction and/ affection her bf has shown to her. She was looking for [u']fullfillment[/u] somewhere else. In this case we can't exactly place all the blame on her.

 

What does this have to do with whether she owes it to her boyfriend to let him have the decision of whether he wants to be with a cheating girlfriend or not? But regardless her insecurities, and problems in the relationship are her responsibility too not just his, but her cheating is all her problem.

 

And even more annoying is that he is sooo quick to mention a hot girl on TV or something. I asked him if he still thinks I'm hot and he said of course. I told him that he doesn't tell me anymore and he apologized. That was like two weeks ago and not once since then has he complimented me. Has this happened to anyone else? Do you think he does appreciate me but just assumes that I know it or do you think the novelty has worn off for him? Now I'm not the type of girl that needs compliments constantly, but it would be nice to know my bf thinks I'm sexy. It's only been 9 months! .

 

If these things bother you , you should speak up more, and stand up for yourself more. I think its pretty rude to talk about other attractive people when your bf/gf is around. But about him complimenting you all the time,why do you think you need him to do this? Do you have reasonable reasons for you to doubt his feelings( maybe you do idk).

Edited March 6, 2008 by BUENG1

[shanny]

Recordproducer... I'm also a proud kitty mommy but failed to mention it... Sorry to my beautfiul cats!

[shanny]

Thank you all for your replies... I've been thinking about this and I think the reason may be that we have grow apart through the rockiness of our relationship... the lies, the cheating (all on his part... I am one of those idiots who stays with a jerk because I "love" or maybe I'm just infatuated with him... sigh).

 

I've tried making comments about guys on TV but it doesn't seem to bother him. I'm thinking that the reason is the too much damage has been done.

[NuTuDating]

Yes, she cheated, but that was the result of the lack of attraction and/ affection her bf has shown to her. She was looking for fullfillment somewhere else. In this case we can't exactly place all the blame on her.

 

OP, you need to realize that what you're feeling right now stems mostly from insecurities. Yes, its frustrating when it seems your SO has become distant in regards to your physical beauties, in fact, thats one of the main insecurities dealt by women, but you do not need him to validate you. You, yourself know how beautiful you are, so don't you forget that. So he doesn't give compliments to you? No biggie. Compliment how attractive that guy is in the commercial, see how he likes it.

 

There's absolutely, positively, under no circumstance, ANY excuse for cheating. Ever. No good reason. No explaining it away. If your relationship is SO BAD that you contemplate cheating, then end it and move on.

 

She cheated. Kissing someone is cheating.

 

Now, every guy should know that their girlfriend/wife NEEDS to be complimented. They should also keep their mouths shut when Jennifer Anisten walks across the TV. You should bring up those issues with him, but he should know you kissed other guys, too, ESPECIALLY if he knows them. Better he find out from you than someone else. You owe him that much.

[Walk]

Interesting discussion.

 

I want to get this straight first... The relationship is very rocky and it's only been 9 months. You kissed another guy. And you're upset that your bf doesn't notice your great assets anymore. Is that about correct?

 

I think if I were you, I would work on re-building the relationship into something more solid first. Shore up the foundation, work on building the connection between the two of you. Create a positive atmosphere where the two of you can calmly discuss issues and resolve them.

 

But the lack of compliments is (in my experience) a symptom of a deeper issue. And asking for more won't get you the results you want.

 

Anway... next time your bf says something about another woman, fling your panties in his face.

 

You'll have his full attention after that.

[Replicant]

At nine months you really should know how he feels and not constantly have to reassure you of such. Not you using your neediness as an excuse to emotionally bail on the relationship and using cheating as a basis to satisfy those needs elsewhere.

[MimiMe]

Do you really need to be complimented that often? Are you that insecure? I think he assumes after telling you every day for close to 9 months that you're hot, that you would believe him and know he thinks that. My ex used to get on my case about this and it was a little ridiculous.

 

How often do YOU compliment HIM?

 

 

uhm... I dont think that has to do with being "insecure". A lil tenderness wont hurt a relationship. I mean unless the girl is standing in front of the mirror saying "tell me I'M HOT"... but its a gesture to compliment.

[shanny]

Interesting discussion.

 

I want to get this straight first... The relationship is very rocky and it's only been 9 months. You kissed another guy. And you're upset that your bf doesn't notice your great assets anymore. Is that about correct?

 

I think if I were you, I would work on re-building the relationship into something more solid first. Shore up the foundation, work on building the connection between the two of you. Create a positive atmosphere where the two of you can calmly discuss issues and resolve them.

 

But the lack of compliments is (in my experience) a symptom of a deeper issue. And asking for more won't get you the results you want.

 

Anway... next time your bf says something about another woman, fling your panties in his face.

 

You'll have his full attention after that.

 

 

 

Stories got mixed up hear... I didn't kiss another guy. One of the people that responded was sharing her situation and she did.

[starrynight]

Yes, she cheated, but that was the result of the lack of attraction and/ affection her bf has shown to her. She was looking for fullfillment somewhere else. In this case we can't exactly place all the blame on her.

 

 

That is insane. All the blame for cheating goes on her. Lack of attraction/affection is one thing, and not necessarily exactly as she states it (ie I'm sure his perspective is different and that the truth lies somewhere in between) and is something to be discussed by two people who have agreed to be together and not have sex with other people

 

The cheating part is 100% her fault and she needs to own up or she'll never grow up.

[starrynight]

uhm... I dont think that has to do with being "insecure". A lil tenderness wont hurt a relationship. I mean unless the girl is standing in front of the mirror saying "tell me I'M HOT"... but its a gesture to compliment.

 

Has anyone else noticed a distinct gender difference in answers here?

 

Maybe women need more affection/compliments than men feel they should need. Maybe neither gender/outlook is right. Maybe both people should bend towards each other. ie men try to give more, and women love what they give.

[starrynight]

Of course you're going to get compliments from folks who are not familiar with your beauty like your love is. Sometimes it will be because they want to get in your pants. Sometimes it will not be about sex, but will be about the fact that your individual beauty is new to them, and since it is new and possibly never again seen, they wish to bestow the comment. I'll bet if you kept running into those same people, you wouldn't find them as complimentary as the first time, unless they are pursuing you sexually, in which case they'll lather it on until they've gotten what they wanted.

[shanny]

That is insane. All the blame for cheating goes on her. Lack of attraction/affection is one thing, and not necessarily exactly as she states it (ie I'm sure his perspective is different and that the truth lies somewhere in between) and is something to be discussed by two people who have agreed to be together and not have sex with other people

 

The cheating part is 100% her fault and she needs to own up or she'll never grow up.

 

 

I didn't cheat! Stories got mixed up. That was someone else.

[MimiMe]

Has anyone else noticed a distinct gender difference in answers here?

 

Maybe women need more affection/compliments than men feel they should need. Maybe neither gender/outlook is right. Maybe both people should bend towards each other. ie men try to give more, and women love what they give.

 

 

how long have you been around earth?

 

Yes, women for the most part are more "needy" of compliments than men.

Just like something are girly to do- others are manly. Could be hormonal, psychological, demographical whatevs it is... Men court their girl/wives/OW... nothing wrong with it.

Something else to think... if this was something that he used to do from the get of the relationship and it has now evaporated, this is a RED FLAG!!

Talk about it and if it doesnt restore, chances are that there will be a brick wall in the near future.

[Phateless]

I don't want a weaker partner who I have to "court!" I want an equal!! I want someone who is on my level and who can challenge me and keep pace with me. Someone insecure who needs constant reassurance from me is beneath me.

 

I'm all for romantic gestures and doing things to wow her now and then, but I'm not ok with the permanent dynamic of me pursuing her. That's so 50s...

[MimiMe]

Someone insecure who needs constant reassurance from me is beneath me.

 

 

Whoa! You sound arrogant.

Supremacists is a sign of deep inferiority complex.

[Phateless]

Whoa! You sound arrogant.

Supremacists is a sign of deep inferiority complex.

 

I know it came off as arrogant, but why should I settle? I spent 5 years with the wrong girl so I want someone on my level this time. Security and self-confidence are two very important traits I want my next girl to have, along with intelligence, love of music, feistiness and looks. There are enough people in the world that I can find someone who suits me. Insecurity is just a big turn-off for me. Call me arrogant if you will, but I'm just being honest about how I feel, and I don't think expecting a potential gf to not be insecure is anywhere out of line.