prairiechicken Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 (edited) I was unfaithful to my boyfriend awhile ago, and need advice/consolation/etc. To start off, this is going to be a long-winded message, so please bear with me. PLEASE. Please also keep in mind that I'm young, only 19 years old, and I'm trying to find my way as an adult woman in adult relationships, so naturally I'm confused and have to explain myself in detail! Anyway... In the spring of 2007, shortly after my current boyfriend and I met, we began dating. Two weeks after that, I moved home for the summer (I'm a university student). We really liked each other, and although we didn't know each other very well, we somehow made the long-distance work. Now, I had been somewhat of an ugly duckling, but once I came back in the fall I had become this more vivacious, attractive person, and was overwhelmed by all the male attention I was suddenly receiving. To add to my confusion, my boyfriend wasn't very good with his emotions, so I often felt like he was taking advantage of my presence in his life and never complimented me, was never attentive to me... I felt like I was there for convenience rather than him loving me. To complicate things even MORE, we are still over an hour apart when we are 'together.' Needless to say, a poisonous ex came back into my life, and really complicated things. We never slept together (albeit his attempt one night when I was very intoxicated - key word, attempt!), but there were a couple kisses. I will admit that I did flirt with him a bit, as a young woman does who has recently discovered the sexual power she can yield over men. To make things especially complicated for me, my guy then started preparing to move to another province for the winter to work, and we were both unsure of whether or not we wanted to go through another bout of long-distance. I didn't know if I could handle another season being apart from him, while trying to nurture a relationship that wasn't very emotionally deep in the first place. What we had at that time, I refer to as a 'tentative love.' Combined with our long-distance and his hesitancy to show his feelings, I became even more confused, and very briefly entertained the idea of a fling with another friend who was also struggling with his own long-distance issues with his girlfriend. But thankfully, our consciences got the better hold of us, and nothing physical ever took place. Anyway, I ended up confiding my frustrations to another male friend of mine, who decided to try and jump on the opportunity to woo me. He was caring and was so flattering, which was so unlike my boyfriend. He ultimately ended up kissing me, and I allowed it to happen. I was so confused at this point. But suddenly, mid-kiss, I had my moment of clarity, and I realized what I had done. I felt so disgusting, and promptly explained to my friend how wrong I was in doing that and how it was never happening again. He felt terrible for jumping on my emotional weakness, and knew how terrible I felt as well. But in that moment of clarity, I suddenly realized how much I did care for my boyfriend, and how much I did love him in spite of our relational weaknesses. For weeks afterwards, I mentally fought with my mind, trying to grasp what I had done. I was preparing myself to end it with my guy before he left for the winter, but as time wore on, we both finally let our guards down and really started to open up to each other. I was realizing how amazing he was, and this different emotion came over me - not superficial love, or naive love, but a true, gut-wrenching, make-my-head-spin kind of love. We began pouring our hearts out to each other - we fought, we cried, we shared our hopes, our dreams, our fears... and he became such an integral part of my life, and I in his. I am beyond smitten with him (by the way, he did leave for the winter and will return shortly, and I am glad to say I have been 100% faithful). I don't want to subject him to the pain of knowing what happened during my little 'phase.' It was my period of trial and tribulation, where I came into my own and discovered what was in my heart. I know deep down that I will never cheat again, whether it be on him or anyone else. I will never, ever wander down that path, ever again. I don't want to crush his heart by knowing the route it took to get to this spot in mine. He doesn't deserve that kind of pain. He deserves what we have now, and I don't want to jeopardize that. Confessing to him would be selfish, by me trying to relinquish my guilt and breaking his heart in the meantime. So, I guess my question is (thank you to those who have put up with me so far): Am I justified in my thinking, or should I confess to him and let him take over from there? Edited March 5, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Minor Structural Changes for Flow
shanny Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Congratulations on figuring things out! You sound very mature for 19. My take on it is you didn't have sex... from your post it sounded like just some kissing. Not to say that was ok, but honestly it's not that bad. I really don't think you should tell your man about it because you are both in such a good place right now. Look how long it took for him to open up in the first place... if you tell him this it might make him go back into his shell around you. Another reason why I don't think you should tell him is because you are truly sorry and regretful. From your post I really don't think you are going to do it again. Just let it go... it helped make your relationship what it is now. Good luck.
j_hunt_12 Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 My GF is an innocent 19 year old (i was her first kiss) so naturally I'm little possessive and would be heart broken if she cheated, but even if my GF did what you did, I would not be that incredibly mad (I would be very upset though). If it is as you said it is, there should not be that big of a problem. He kissed you and you stopped mid-way but still you let it happen. Granted, you should tell him. Tell him what you said in the letter. If you care about him, he deserves to know. What you did, although not too bad, was wrong and you should tell him and accept it as it comes. People don't put much stock into kissing nowadays but it does mean something. Just my opinion though.... peace P.S. post number 100 for me!!! peace
xpaperxcutx Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I don't think a kiss is considered "cheating" especially if its become the epiphany for you to realize that you truly love your bf. And if you tell him, as the above post mentioned, yes, he will be upset at first but he will come to appreciate you more for being more open and honest with him. Yet I don't recommend over the phone, you need to do it in person. Let him truly SEE that you are being sincere and not just hearing it. Best of luck
twice_shy Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 So, I guess my question is (thank you to those who have put up with me so far): Am I justified in my thinking, or should I confess to him and let him take over from there? If you have any desire to be with him in the future, as contradictory as it may sound, you have to tell him. Otherwise your relationship will be based on a lie. If you ask yourself, "will he break up with me if he knew I kissed another guy", and the answer is "yes", then that is exactly why you need to tell him. Because if you don't tell him because of that it will be for your own selfish reasons. He deserves to know so he can make informed decisions about his future. Most people will say not to tell. To which my answer to that would be, if you don't tell, I feel VERY sorry for your bf. and what is it about a guy who will stand behind a girl/woman even in, what she perceives, to be her not-so attractive years only to be betrayed by her when she becomes attractive ONLY to guys that wouldn't have given her the time of day before? So much for standing by one's woman.
twice_shy Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Congratulations on figuring things out! You sound very mature for 19. My take on it is you didn't have sex... from your post it sounded like just some kissing. Not to say that was ok, but honestly it's not that bad. If its not that bad then she should have no problem telling him, right?
twice_shy Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 I don't think a kiss is considered "cheating" especially if its become the epiphany for you to realize that you truly love your bf. Here again, if you don't think it is cheating, then it would be no problem to tell the bf, right?
NuTuDating Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Hate to disagree, but kissing someone else is cheating.
Recommended Posts