mtb327 Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 I have a girlfriend of 6 months. We've been friends for 16 years or so. We started dating after i got out of a 7 1/2 year relationship. She's a good friend and we've moved to the next level. We live together. My issue is this. She doesn't view sex the way i do. She likes girls sometimes. So it's already hard. I don't think she's cheated on me yet, but sh'e going to Fla for nine days this weekend and shes planning to see some pepole she used to party with and sleep with. Both men and women. I really can't take the thought of her sleeping with anyone but me. All the signs are there. They started calling her she hides her cell phone from me. She runs upstairs to talk and her myspace is filled with comments from her friends. To be quite honest i wish she would leave and never come back than come back in a week and a half and tell me she didn't do much. There is also this history of being a liar she lies like she believes it. And when i confront her she backs it up with another lie. I can't deal with this much longer. The worst part is i would lose a friend i've had for a long time if i confront her. But i'm pretty sure she's gonna sleep with someone, it just sex to her and it's infidelity to me........ Link to post Share on other sites
shanny Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Not to be pessimistic, but I don't think it's going to work long term anyway. She seems to be very "open" sexually and you seem to want sex to be between just you and her and on a very meaningful level. You can agree on everything else in a relationship, but if you don't have the same views sexually, it usually doesn't work. Things will probably get back when she comes back. Either she'll come back and fess up to what she did (which you will obviously be devasted over) or she'll come back and say she did nothing. Even if she did do nothing, you're not gonna believe her. So basically you guys will fight like crazy when she comes back. A good way to find out what her intentions are is to ask if you can go with her. If she panics, then she is probably planning to be up to no good. If she's cool with it, then you probably have nothing to worry about. Keep us posted. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
cottongal Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 So what bothers you the most? Is it the men or the women?? Or the idea overall?? Actually it doesn't matter, if she know how you feel and she still does it then there's nothing doing. I COMPLETELY understand about the good liar thing and also the fact that you'll be losing a friend. If her friendship is more important then maybe you should end it before it's bad-if her cheating is inevitable. Then maybe you can preserve your friendship by letting her know that you dont want to hold her back from her needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtb327 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 Well this woud be easier if she said she wanted other people, but she claims to want just me. Which one is harder to swallow? The men. The way i seeit i can't do anything about the girls, but the men upsets me. I'm sure to some deegree i'm not completely accurate about who or how much. But the friends she has are good time friends. Wish i could go someone has to stay home and be responsible. She told me she HAD to go and i wouldn't understand. Like i'm an idiot and can't handle the truth. The truth is if she told me she'd have nowhere to live when she comes back. I think that's the only thing that stops her from just saying what's going on....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtb327 Posted March 10, 2008 Author Share Posted March 10, 2008 Well she's off to fla and i'm here watching the dogs!! I'm so freakin happy i could just punch a wall!!! I don't think i'm gonna make it 9 days to see her face. I don't think i want to see it anyway.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtb327 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Share Posted March 17, 2008 I must say you guys are very helpful and full of good ideas and support...........NOT!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Shindig Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 If she really cares about the relationship she'll be able to appreciate that sex with others would be the end of the relationship. If she cares about you but not the relationship, she'll have the decency to break up with you. If she lies to you about sex with others then you don't want to be with her anyways. If she tries to rationalize sex with others to maintain the relationship, you're fundamentally different and the relationship won't work. If you can talk about it and get her to see it from your point of view and she really cares, you should be able to work it out. Good luck. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
elij Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 If you can't trust her, which you apparently don't, you should just break. When she gets back, give her a month to find a new place to live, etc. You can't have a healthy relationship the way you are now. That said, you should be really sure about this --- you might just be freaking out from fear which is not real. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtb327 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Share Posted March 17, 2008 i'm starting to think i'm crazy. Now i'm the one thats dillusional. Everything i say shehas an answer for so i spendcalot of time ci=onfused. For one tgough she has expressed a willingness to talk so we'll go from there. Thanks for your support, matt Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Do you support her financially, or does she share equally with the bills? Link to post Share on other sites
Shindig Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 If you feel like you're being manipulated you're not in for a happy ending. If she seems willing to talk and appreciate your point of view then no worries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtb327 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Share Posted March 17, 2008 Well she used to help out more until she lost her job and took this trip. Spent what money she had left to go. But i'm sure she'd be fine anyway she's one of those people that does what she wants then deals with the consequences later. So me saying anything won't help at all. She is used to this. I personally hate it.. Link to post Share on other sites
dancinggal Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Look, to be blunt, a relationship with this person is going to be very tough. a) You don't trust her. b) You have different ideas about sex. c) She doesn't appear mature enough to deal with a committed relationship. d) She is a liar (and a good one). e) She appears to be bad at dealing with money. I can understand that you feel very strongly about this person, but she is probably not right for you. I'd suggest that when she comes home, you sit down with her and talk to her about these concerns. Tell her, you want the truth, not so you can be angry, but so you can make decisions based on the truth so you can make the right decisions for you both. Tell her that you don't mind if she stays for a bit, but you need to find a way to sort out your relationship because things don't feel good for you now in the current arrangement. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Mtb, she has stuck you in the 'daddy' role. The guy who pays her bills, takes care of her, cleans up her messes, lets her go out and play and then provides a safe home to come back to. The other guys/girls are the ones who get the hot sex, the partying, the fun money blowing, etc. As soon as you demand that she grow up, show and equal responsibility in the relationship emotionally, sexually, and monetarily she'll be out of there. Why? Because its all about you taking responsibility and her taking advantage. A typical "daddy/slut" relationship. I'm sure you aren't the first guy unlucky enough to be 'daddy' and I doubt you'll be the last. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtb327 Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 Thanks for being honest at least that i can take.......... We'll see she says things have to change or she's gonna leave. so lets' see what i have to do............... Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 Break up with her. It seems pointless to continue a relationship that is doomed to fail. Six months isn't that long, you will get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
jeanniebeanni Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 this is just me but i would NEVER get in a relationship with pne of my best friends... because then i would risk losing my best friend.. this is just my opinion... but if your woried about her cheating then she dosnt like you all that much... but dont be offinded... Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 Thanks for being honest at least that i can take.......... We'll see she says things have to change or she's gonna leave. so lets' see what i have to do............... That absolutely makes no sense at all. What do you mean she wants things to change or she'll leave? You should be the one telling her to change or you'll leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 (edited) i'm starting to think i'm crazy. Now i'm the one thats dillusional. Everything i say shehas an answer for so i spendcalot of time ci=onfused. For one tgough she has expressed a willingness to talk so we'll go from there. Thanks for your support, matt You say you've been best friends for a long time, has she cheated on other guys she has been with? Something that caught my eye was that you said she has an answer for everything. The real talented liars tend to do just that, have an answer for any sort of question, some men and women who cheat can cover themselves quite well, almost frighteningly so. As far as I am concerned, a girl with a bf should not be traveling to a different state to hang out with a group containing guys AND girls she has slept with. I get the feeling this is a spring break type trip, so you know there is going to be lots of booze, drugs, and sex going on. It is one thing for her to go somewhere from spring break, out of all the places she could go, she has to go somewhere where she will be around multiple men she has slept with? Disrespectful, and the fact you have been friends for 16 years makes her lack of respect even worse. Also I'm a bit confused, you said she told you she HAD to go, why did she? Why does she have to go hang out with a group of guys and girls with whom she has been intimate with more than one of them? You're paying the bills and letting her live with her, she doesn't have to go anywhere, and it is suspicious to me for a chick to just randomly go out of town for 9 days without her bf, even if you ignore the fact she will be hanging with guys she has boned. Even if it is for Spring Break, those Spring Break type parties are for people who wanna hook up, etc. I don't know why anyone who is happy with their relationship would want to go without their bf/gf. Another thing that caught my eye is you said you got with her after you just got out of a 7 yr. relationship. I think you have to look at the possibility this girl is a rebound. Think about it, this girl has been there for you for a long time, you just get out of a serious relationship..obviously you're vulnerable. You then see your long time friend and think damn, the girl for me has been right here all along. When that may not be the case. All in all, it doesn't sound like the relationship is going to work, you don't trust her and she doesn't seem to respect you. Edited March 20, 2008 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
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