tb13 Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I am engaged to a man whom I have lived with for 3 years. I have caught him emailing women from his normal email and then switching to another email to sex chat with them. He tells them that he is single (i guess technically so) even though we are engaged. When I asked him about the encounter he denied that it was him. He said that someone "hacked" his email and did that. Just this week I found on the computer at home that he is in chat rooms soliciting cybersex. I am having a hard time figuring out if this is considered cheating or invasion of his privacy since we are not yet married.
shanny Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 If you guys are engaged, he is not single (VERY techincally yes, but come on). When he put that ring on your finger he made a life commitment to you. If it is really him (I don't know if you believe the hacker thing... I don't even know him and I don't) then I think it is a form of cheating. If he would admit to it maybe you could get some insight on why he's doing it. Is it to actually meet with other women or is it just merely something to pass the time? If it's to meet other women then I think you should leave him. If he's just passing the time then maybe you can work it out. Good luck!
cottongal Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Gosh, there seeems to be alot of this going around. Don't concern yourself with how you found out....at least you did BEFORE you got married. Maybe you guys can talk through this and move on, but he has to be willing to admit that is was him and be willing to stop if it is going to harm your relationship. Hoping for the best.
Author tb13 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 He told me that he was in the sex chat room and that he would never "cheat" on me but how can I beleive him? they were all girls in our area. Secondly he told me that he is not going to stop until I stop "bitchen" about it. He just got a new laptop at work, and I am just having a hard time trusting him. I feel so betrayed.
Author tb13 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 His actions have really made me feel betrayed. Why does he need other girls when he has one at home? I feel like he is using me.
gspgal Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Sadly, cottongal, this is becoming a more and more common situation over the past decade. I can only imagine being one of the first people affected by this type of situation and how everyone around them must have said "nothing physical happened, so nothing's wrong" =/ TB, the fact that he won't own up to the fact that he sent the messages, not some hacker, speaks volumes. If a hacker got into his email account, why is he still using it? If he can't take responsibility for his actions how can he ever work with you to get through them? The line he gave you reeks of someone who thinks they're smarter and one step ahead of you. Who wants to marry someone like that?
MatsumeKazuo Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Tb, I don't know why he's going behind your back and - what I consider it - cheating, but that last statement of his was just plain stupid. He wants you to stop complaining, and then he'll stop 'cheating'? No way. He just wants you to stop complaining so he can 'cybercheat' in peace. I know I wouldn't be able to stay with him. The best of luck to you.
Author tb13 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 The problem with all this is that things at home were fine. He was telling all the girls in the chat room how "hot" they are and that he is thinking of them while he does himself. He doesn't know I saw the conversation thread, only that I knew he was in a cybersex chat room. He tells me how hot I am and when I say "I bet you tell all the girls" he lies some more and says "only you baby". he tells me to trust him and that it is "my problem" that I don't. He always turns the blame to me. Why am I the bad person? I have NEVER done anything like this to him. I asked him why he won't "dirty" talk with me and his answer was "join a chat room". I am heartbroken and can't figure out how to handle this with him. Any suggestions? I really do love him. that is what makes the whole situation pathetic.
clandestinidad Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 He said that he won't stop doing it until you stop bitching about it, huh?! What a loser! That's so immature. Rather than admit he has a problem and put a stop to it, he's going to turn it around and gripe at YOU about it?! This guy needs to go, I'm sorry. I consider cheating as: When someone is involved in an emotional/sexual relationship with a person/thing outside of their committed relationship, and the partner they are committed with has not given permission for the outside relationship to occur. If someone is okay with their partner doing such things, then it's not cheating. If the partner is not okay with it, and has not made that clear before the outside relationship begins, then its cheating. Whether it's in person or long distance, it's still not something that you told him he could do, correct? And he's been hiding it from you and lying about it too. People only hide things that they 1) know are wrong 2) want to keep doing. This type of person would take a very long time to set straight in therapy, if he would even go. Do you want to marry someone knowing from the start that they are like this? Marriage is hard enough, why start one with someone when this is stacked against you at the beginning?
MatsumeKazuo Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 To me, it sounds like he's a controller. In this instance, he is being dominant, rude, and a bold-faced liar. I know you love him, and there's a lot of history, but I know you deserve so much better. You aren't the bad guy. You didn't do anything wrong. He did.
JamesM Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Any time someone engages in an activity with the opposite sex which is in direct opposition to what his or her partner thinks is okay, he or she is cheating. So, we have your BF who is engaged (which is a commitment) wanting to engage in conversations which are sexual on nature, and he says it is your fault if you have a problem with it? As a guy, I can say emphatically, HE has the problem But I can also say that if he is doing this now before marriage, he will definitely cross more lines after marriage. His denial and "anger" at you for being paranoid is a defense to keep you off his back. Your options are twofold....tell him it is either his cybersex or you, or you can simply leave with no confrontation. Personally, I think your best bet is to leave now before you have more painful problems down the road. And if he wants to tell his friends that it is you, so be it. Move on...it is NOT you.
Author tb13 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 I had found him doing this last year and told him that it really bothered me. He said he would not do it again. And then last week is when it happened again. He actually deleted all the history off the computer to hide the tracks. I can't help but make all these snyd remarks to him about the cybersex and now he is mad at me like I did something wrong. I told him that he can look at all the porn he wants but chatting sexually I consider to be cheating. That is when I got the comment that he wont stop until I stop bitchen at him for a month. i would think if he cared about me he would do everything in his power to reasure me that it won't happen anymore. Instead he gives ME the ultimatem. When I first discussed this with him it turned into an argument and I asked him to move out of my house and took off my engagement ring. He said he would be gone in 2 months. I said no, you need to move out this week and his answer was "kick me out". Somehow the next morning out of stupidity I put my ring back on. On my way out of the house to work I said "i love you" his reply was "no you don't". I asked him if he loved me and his answer was "of course". I just cant trust him after all this and I can't seem to get over the whole thing.
clandestinidad Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 eeek!! This is a dead-end relationship. None of this is your fault...well, except for the part about allowing it to happen over and over again. He's treating you like crap. Not just the cheating online, but the other stuff too. And the ultimatum about 1 month of not bitching for him to stop cheating?!? "Marriage Material" would never do this stuff to you. Do you care about yourself enough to kick him out this time? Your life and your time are precious...don't waste any of it on people like him. You deserve to be loved just as you love the other person. It shouldn't be so one-sided.
mental_traveller Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 He told me that he was in the sex chat room and that he would never "cheat" on me but how can I beleive him? they were all girls in our area. Secondly he told me that he is not going to stop until I stop "bitchen" about it. He just got a new laptop at work, and I am just having a hard time trusting him. I feel so betrayed. Sorry to hear about this. First of all, this is definitely a massive breach of trust - even if he never met any of these girls, it is totally out of line and anything less than a grovelling apology on his behalf is unacceptable. Secondly, instead of confessing, apologizing, and asking for forgiveness, he actually turns his misbehaviour into a criticism of you! Incredible, such brazen cheek is incredibly disrespectful. He has done something really bad, and all he can do is complain about you "bitching" about it? Damn right you should be doing that, you have every justification for doing so. If it had just been the chats, and he had apologized, I would warn you but say maybe give it one chance to work things out. But his unapologetic, disrespectful reaction shows that this guy is not the one for you. I'm sorry but I really think your only course of action is to call off the engagement and leave this unfaithful guy. If you marry him, you are just going to get more of the same, he will go behind your back eventually, and you will be completely unable to trust him. This would wreck the relationship. So, unless you really want to join the growing ranks of divorce and adultery statistics within a few years, I say you call it off, throw him out (or move out if you can't do that), and start over. There will be plenty of guys out there who would be happy with you, without needing to resort to picking up girls in seedy internet chat rooms - they'd rather do things with the real life fiancee they have at home.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I had found him doing this last year and told him that it really bothered me. He said he would not do it again. And then last week is when it happened again. He actually deleted all the history off the computer to hide the tracks. I can't help but make all these snyd remarks to him about the cybersex and now he is mad at me like I did something wrong. I told him that he can look at all the porn he wants but chatting sexually I consider to be cheating. That is when I got the comment that he wont stop until I stop bitchen at him for a month. i would think if he cared about me he would do everything in his power to reasure me that it won't happen anymore. Instead he gives ME the ultimatem. When I first discussed this with him it turned into an argument and I asked him to move out of my house and took off my engagement ring. He said he would be gone in 2 months. I said no, you need to move out this week and his answer was "kick me out". Somehow the next morning out of stupidity I put my ring back on. On my way out of the house to work I said "i love you" his reply was "no you don't". I asked him if he loved me and his answer was "of course". I just cant trust him after all this and I can't seem to get over the whole thing. You need to break off the engagement now. No amount of talking, reasoning, and/or therapy will help this man repent. Take charge and kick him out of the house now/ or move out if the house isn't yours. Because you've basically became his puppet, "to have, to hold.... to control until the rest of your lives." Don't think that giving him any second chances will help either, don't bargain or give him alternatives (i.e pornography), this man's behaviour is open sign that reads he's a cheater. It doesn't matter if he hasn't yet, he will in the future. Do not doubt yourself, no matter how much you love him or how much you think he loves you, because he really doesn't give a damn as to your feelings or emotions. How do I know this? Because no man who loves their fiancee would prefer cybering and porn over the real thing, that's why!!!!!! Why are you still putting up with this? You should have dumped his ass a year ago. Pull that ring off your fingers and throw it at him. Then slam the door in his face. Afterwards, go out for a drink with your girlfriends. There's plenty of single men out there deserving of your love.
Citizen Erased Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 This guy needs a quick jump off the nearest tall building No man should EVER treat you this way. Saying it's your problem, deal with it, stop bitching etc. He is a piece of **** and lucky you even grace him with your prescence. He clearly will continue with this, and his complete disregard for you or your feelings...well let me just say you need to never ever never ever ever EVER marry this guy. He is immature and will surely turn out to be a cheat. Don't let him break your heart even more then he already has honey, you deserve so much better!
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Your fiancé is someone who should be an ex-fiancé. Don't get married, for your own sake. He's reacting like a typical cheater, full of denial, attempting to gaslight you. Don't just walk away, run away. Cyber or otherwise, when someone enters into a heavily flirtatious or sexual interaction with the opposite gender, it's unacceptable. Don't saddle yourself with the morally deficient, especially one who lacks any guilt or remorse over it.
Author tb13 Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Well I almost had the guts to get rid of him last night, but backed out again this morning. Had the engagement ring off and all. I told him how bad his actions had hurt me because I think he needs to know. I hashed over it again this morning and he still denies the first incident and that someone "hacked" his email and wrote all those pick me ups. Now he says he only did the cyber sex thing because I accused him of the first incident. He said he wanted me to find it and knew it would piss me off. (so he looks in control of the situation, I'm sure) I told him one more betrayal of my trust and that would be it. Then he said if I ever bring up the subject again he would go back for more cybersex. Again, I backed out of dumping him. Now he is mad at me and wanted ME to appoligize! How does a person get over the fear of being alone? Am I co-dependant? or just stupid?
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Well I almost had the guts to get rid of him last night, but backed out again this morning. Had the engagement ring off and all. I told him how bad his actions had hurt me because I think he needs to know. I hashed over it again this morning and he still denies the first incident and that someone "hacked" his email and wrote all those pick me ups. Now he says he only did the cyber sex thing because I accused him of the first incident. He said he wanted me to find it and knew it would piss me off. (so he looks in control of the situation, I'm sure) I told him one more betrayal of my trust and that would be it. Then he said if I ever bring up the subject again he would go back for more cybersex. Again, I backed out of dumping him. Now he is mad at me and wanted ME to appoligize! How does a person get over the fear of being alone? Am I co-dependant? or just stupid? You're empowering his behaviour by not sticking to your guns and walking away. Why would he bother trying to change, if there are no consequences to his actions? His arrogance is unbelievable. He desperately needs to be taken down about 1000 notches. You also desperately need to stop being a doormat and taking the abuse he dishes out. You're adding to an already unbalanced relationship, where he's giving little. If you have any self-respect, drop him on his pointy little head.
JamesM Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 So he successively made it out to be YOUR problem? Fact is...he cheated. Whether it was out of spite or for a thrill, he cheated. If he did it to make you mad, then this IMO is worse. Why? Because if you marry, he may have an affair for the same reason, and then blame YOU for the affair. Yes, this happens. And when you have children, leaving will be next to impossible for you...since you cannot do it now before marriage. Personally, if he does not change his attitude now, then I think you will have an unhappy marriage.
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 There's probably a number of thoughts and emotions running through your mind, of which there are the non-practical pride/ego issues. You've invested time and emotion with this man and also, family and friends are part of the key elements. How and what do you tell everyone the engagement is off? Rationalize this. You're proceeding forward with someone who will treat you like dirt, potentially for the rest of your life, if you allow it. Sometimes you have to look at it as gain/loss. Exactly what are you gaining in remaining in this relationship. ROI (return on investment) appears to be in the negative numbers. DON'T SETTLE!
AlwaysTomorrow Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 he's not single.. he's taken.. and he's a sleazebag.. move on! He's not even married yet and already looking for other women! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
NuTuDating Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Dump him and move on. There ARE people who don't cheat.
Author tb13 Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 He says he wasn't looking, just chatting and did nothing wrong. I am so mixed up in my mind about his cybersex being cheating. I feel that it IS. I feel betrayed. He is acting angry at me since I confronted him on it. I know I need to dump him but it is somehow so hard for me to do.
Trialbyfire Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Here's a thought. Why not go into the chat room and cyber with a few men while your fiance is watching? Do you think this might clearly get your point across?
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