THEBIGARC Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 It has been 2 1/2 wks since my W and I have had the " I am not in love and have feelings for someone else" talk. I went through all of the emotions, disbelief, angry, sad, and then acceptance! Well, she was confused and does not want a divorce. We went to MC and it was really good. We got to the root of our problems. We have both been unhappy for a while and we just accepted it and did not try to work on it. Well, after the MC she tells me she will have no contact with the ex. So, it has been two days and I am trying to hold it together. Doing everything I can to be a better husband and father. She is nice too me and shows some affection, huggs and small little kisses. I feel like I am doing the right thing in trying to save my marriage, but I am afraid that it will be for nothing and I will have to start all the emotions over again. This is effecting my work. I can think of nothing else. Any advice on what to do? We have 4 y/o son and are moving into a brand new home Friday. I can not just give all of that up because I am scared of her rejection.
Ocean-Blue Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 So things are getting better b/w you two but you are afraid she'll revert back to her old ways or leave you? Have you expressed these fears to her? If she cheated on you, it is her responsibility to ensure that you know you can trust her again (not only to remain faithful but to also be sincere about her feelings about you). You cannot build the trust again if you are being plagued by doubts.
daisygirl Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 It has been 2 1/2 wks since my W and I have had the " I am not in love and have feelings for someone else" talk. I went through all of the emotions, disbelief, angry, sad, and then acceptance! Well, she was confused and does not want a divorce. We went to MC and it was really good. We got to the root of our problems. We have both been unhappy for a while and we just accepted it and did not try to work on it. Well, after the MC she tells me she will have no contact with the ex. So, it has been two days and I am trying to hold it together. Doing everything I can to be a better husband and father. She is nice too me and shows some affection, huggs and small little kisses. I feel like I am doing the right thing in trying to save my marriage, but I am afraid that it will be for nothing and I will have to start all the emotions over again. This is effecting my work. I can think of nothing else. Any advice on what to do? We have 4 y/o son and are moving into a brand new home Friday. I can not just give all of that up because I am scared of her rejection. I can relate to this, but on your wife's side. I had an EA, which I decided not to tell my H about, for reasons I won't get into here. However, I haven't felt "in love" with him for quite some time - long before I got involved with the EA. The EA just opened my eyes a little more. I told my H I was not "in love" anymore, and he of course got angry and started threatening to take our son away from me (we have a 2 y/o). I am in NC with the OM now, and it's good because I don't have him clouding my judgment anymore. My H and I are starting MC next week, so I am not sure how that will go. I am trying to feel something for my H again, but it just doesn't feel natural, it feels forced. I know what you are saying, because I feel like any affection I show my husband may give him hope that something is there even if I don't really feel it. But if I don't show affection, it means I'm not trying, and that's not good either. I don't want to start things up again when I am feeling pretty hopeless in our marriage right now. I guess I don't have any advice, but just wanted to share my point of view. I don't know your whole story and cannot say how your wife feels....hopefully MC will help you guys! Good luck to you!!
Author THEBIGARC Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 Why go to the MC in the 1st place? Do you still think there is a chance you and your H will make it? I know all the things I did wrong in our relationship and that is what I am foucusing on right now. I want to change for the better. She has some issues she has to work out too. You are probably the best person to ask about what should I do right now? I know she needs time to heal from the things I did. I know it takes to for me to prove myself to her again. At the MC we both said we just accepted our relationship as it was and didn't try to work on it. I found an e-mail today that she sent me where she we begging me to be better with her and my son. It was dated Aug 07. I hope it is not too late to save our marriage. I feel like a drug addict that has hit rock bottom and trying to recover. It took all this to make me realize that there was a problem and I was not doing anything to change it. Do you think there is a chance for you and your H? I hope so. We have a son too. I can not imagne not seeing him evey morning when I wake up. I guess I should have thought about all this months ago.
daisygirl Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 (edited) Why go to the MC in the 1st place? Do you still think there is a chance you and your H will make it? I know all the things I did wrong in our relationship and that is what I am foucusing on right now. I want to change for the better. She has some issues she has to work out too. You are probably the best person to ask about what should I do right now? I know she needs time to heal from the things I did. I know it takes to for me to prove myself to her again. At the MC we both said we just accepted our relationship as it was and didn't try to work on it. I found an e-mail today that she sent me where she we begging me to be better with her and my son. It was dated Aug 07. I hope it is not too late to save our marriage. I feel like a drug addict that has hit rock bottom and trying to recover. It took all this to make me realize that there was a problem and I was not doing anything to change it. Do you think there is a chance for you and your H? I hope so. We have a son too. I can not imagne not seeing him evey morning when I wake up. I guess I should have thought about all this months ago. I will be honest, and I know others will probably hate me for saying this, but I am trying MC because I feel that's what we are "supposed to do". I am doing IC so i can be sure that I know what I want in my life and work on being a better person so I can be emotionally healthy as well as being able to be in healthy relationships (whether with my H or not). I honestly think if we didn't have a child together, I wouldn't even do MC. I'd still do IC, but I'd have given up on the marriage already. I just feel that if my H wants to work on it (which he is confused as well), but if we are at least willing to go to the counselling, maybe we can get some of our true feelings out in a "safe" setting. My H has a temper, so if I tell him something that he doesn't want to hear, he just gets really angry. I can't say I blame him...it can't be easy to hear that your wife isn't in love with you anymore. I am starting to realize that I am to blame for a lot of what is wrong in our marriage. It's hard to accept, but the more honest I am with myself, the more I see I am at fault. I wasn't happy for soooo long and never said anything. MC is our last resort. I want to know that we've tried everything before we divorce. I am trying to be more positive about it all, but it's hard for me. Maybe IC will help me with that... As far as what should you do? Well, I will tell you what makes me feel worse about my H, so i guess this would be what NOT to do.....when he threatens to take away our son from me....this makes me so mad. He says that if I don't care about him, then he doesn't care about me and will sue for full custody. I don't have a job or any finances, so all this does is scare me into staying in a marriage that I am not happy in. I don't see why he'd just want me to stay out of fear. Also, any guilt trips make things worse. Again, I feel like I am only staying out of guilt, which is not a good reason to stay. He has said things like "no man will ever want you after you leave me", and he has said that he doesn't know how I'd support our son on my own. He said all I could do is be a stripper to make enough money to support him (I've never been a stripper and don't plan on doing so....not that there's anything wrong with it ). I know he said these things out of anger so I try not to take them to heart, but all it does is drive me further away from him. Wish I could be of more help.... Good luck to you, and keep us updated Edited March 5, 2008 by daisygirl typos
Author THEBIGARC Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 You are the 1st person on here that I am hearing the other side. Thank you. This is my 2nd marriage and I feel I need to do everything I can to save it. With my last marriage about 8 yrs ago, she came home late on night wasn't in love and all that. So, I said fine and was back in my home town the next week. I didn't do much to try to save it. This time I am staying put. We have a family. We went to MC because of my request and she agreed. Not at first, but then I said we go or it is over. She might be staying with me not out of fear money. She is an accountant. I think it may be out of what her family will think and say. It hurts me to admit this. The proud man in me should just leave, but in my heart I can not do it. I love her and our family. She says she is confused and does not want a divorce. We are going to move in our new house this weekend and take it day by day. It is just killing me inside that she has lost that feeling for me. I am not sure how long I can wait til she gets it back or if she even can get it back. Time is passing so slow these day. If I had a fast fwd button, I would push it to 3 months to see if she really wants me or if she is just delaying the seperation. It is a fine balance between showing her how much I love her & want the marriage and smothering her. I guess this is my punishment for all the times she was so unhappy because of me.
daisygirl Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 (edited) You are the 1st person on here that I am hearing the other side. Thank you. This is my 2nd marriage and I feel I need to do everything I can to save it. With my last marriage about 8 yrs ago, she came home late on night wasn't in love and all that. So, I said fine and was back in my home town the next week. I didn't do much to try to save it. This time I am staying put. We have a family. We went to MC because of my request and she agreed. Not at first, but then I said we go or it is over. She might be staying with me not out of fear money. She is an accountant. I think it may be out of what her family will think and say. It hurts me to admit this. The proud man in me should just leave, but in my heart I can not do it. I love her and our family. She says she is confused and does not want a divorce. We are going to move in our new house this weekend and take it day by day. It is just killing me inside that she has lost that feeling for me. I am not sure how long I can wait til she gets it back or if she even can get it back. Time is passing so slow these day. If I had a fast fwd button, I would push it to 3 months to see if she really wants me or if she is just delaying the seperation. It is a fine balance between showing her how much I love her & want the marriage and smothering her. I guess this is my punishment for all the times she was so unhappy because of me. I don't think you should think of it as punishment. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong! My H hasn't really done anything wrong, either, which is why this is so damn hard for me. We got married WAY too quickly and I just don't think we're right for each other. I haven't felt passion from him for so long, and I did suggest counseling many times before for us, but he never wanted to go until I said I wanted a divorce. But looking back, I could have pushed the counseling more, I suppose. if you and your W had a good foundation, I think there is hope for you. My H and I married for the wrong reasons (you can read some of my other threads for more on that) and I can honestly say I never felt a true emotional connection with him. I was/am selfish for staying this long, I know. I am still young (27) and just cannot see myself with him even 5 years from now. He's overall a good guy - no physical abuse, infidelity, things like that. Sure, he's got issues, but who the hell doesn't? I just don't feel anything for him anymore. I care about him, and he is the father of my son, so we'll always have that, but I can't help but want more. It's a tough, tough choice for me. If I leave, I MAY be happier, but I'll have hurt him and possibly my son. If I stay, will I ever truly be happy with someone I feel nothing more than friendship for? But as I said before, from what i am reading in your posts, you and your W seem to have a MUCH stronger foundation than my H and me. MC should help build upon that, although I cannot speak from experience! Oh, and you are VERY welcome! Sometimes, typing things out like this helps me see things about myself, so we can help each other! Edited March 5, 2008 by daisygirl
Author THEBIGARC Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 Reading your replys are like listening to my W. She has said all these things. I think the writing may be on the wall. She does not feel that connection with me. She got pregnant with our son about a year into our relationship. I am not sure if we would have made it dating if she would have not gotten pregnant. Listening to you talk about how you feel is erry. I am going to do what I can to save it, but I will let her go if she is not happy! Wow!
Confused9 Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I am a BS who is still confused by all of this and I thought I would ask you a question... did you act as if you were still in love with your spouses? Did you still say things and do things to show them love, etc. My x fiance cheated on me then walked away and treated me like sh*t. Saying he didn't love me anymore...the relationship was over long before...then he would say he doesn't know why he did it and still is in love with me. He mostly was angry and yelling - practically rewrote our entire relationship. I was shocked and still am...because he was still overly loving, caring, emotional. Nothing changed. The circumstances are a little different, but still the same. I'm just wondering how you acted knowing you weren't in love. Perhaps that wasn't the problem and he was angry due to guilt? Any help is appreciated. (sorry to hijack your thread)
daisygirl Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I am a BS who is still confused by all of this and I thought I would ask you a question... did you act as if you were still in love with your spouses? Did you still say things and do things to show them love, etc. My x fiance cheated on me then walked away and treated me like sh*t. Saying he didn't love me anymore...the relationship was over long before...then he would say he doesn't know why he did it and still is in love with me. He mostly was angry and yelling - practically rewrote our entire relationship. I was shocked and still am...because he was still overly loving, caring, emotional. Nothing changed. The circumstances are a little different, but still the same. I'm just wondering how you acted knowing you weren't in love. Perhaps that wasn't the problem and he was angry due to guilt? Any help is appreciated. (sorry to hijack your thread) Hi, I hope I can help. Did I show love to my H? Yes. I DO care about him and even when I started feeling like I wasn't in love, I still showed love. But my reasoning may be different than others. I feel that (through self-refection and advice from this forum) I am emotinally insecure, so I needed to be attached to my H, even if it was for the wrong reason. I felt like I would be lost w/o him. Not because I was in love or totally emotionally attached to him, but because I was scared of being alone. Now, I still have lots of counselling I need to go through , so these are just my early thoughts on this. But just being in NC with the OM for a couple weeks has cleared my head and made me thing more rationally. Also, I have been looking for a full-time job so that if we do get D, I will be financially ready for that. Now that I am feeling more independent, i am feeling myself less attached to my H. It's making me wonder if I was just staying for security. Looking back, I remember that I ALMOST had an EA back in 2004. It was a guy at work, and luckily, I got promoted and moved to another dept. or things may have gone further. There was lots of flirting and sexual tension between us. The fact that I have a history of EAs is not good, I know. But it shows me that I may be lacking something in my marriage. Not saying it's my H's fault...just that something is lacking. It may be mostly my fault. I think I was in denial about my feelings. I felt secure with my H and didn't want to admit that I didn't feel anything else, so I tried to hide it, and did a good job of it. I regret not having the guts to do something about it earlier. If I was close to having an EA after 1.5 years of marriage, something must be wrong. Well, i don't know if any of this makes sense. I am still trying to sort out my own feelings. Hope this helps a little.
daisygirl Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Reading your replys are like listening to my W. She has said all these things. I think the writing may be on the wall. She does not feel that connection with me. She got pregnant with our son about a year into our relationship. I am not sure if we would have made it dating if she would have not gotten pregnant. Listening to you talk about how you feel is erry. I am going to do what I can to save it, but I will let her go if she is not happy! Wow! I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I didn't have to put my H through all of this....you sound very understanding, and I hope things work out for you, no matter what the outcome is. I am very impatient, and I wish i knew what was going to happen with my H and me, but I guess i just have to wait.
daisygirl Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Confused9.... I reread your post and wanted to add something. While I was in the EA, I did act like a b**** to my H. I think that since I was not feeling anything for him and wanted out so badly, that I was treating him badly so that I could push him away and make him want to leave me. I know that sounds F***** up, but that's how it is. The thing is, now my H is confused about how he feels towards me because of the way i treated him. He's not sure if he even loves me anymore (mind you, he still doesnt know about the EA). That's why I regret the EA so much. It made me feel powerful for some reason, like I didn't need my H anymore, so I wanted out even more. Now, it's not that the EA caused my feelings, I felt that way long ago, but it made me act differently and handle things in the wrong way.
Confused9 Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 oh. that's not what I wanted to hear...but it's probably the truth. He just loved me so much. Then one day...it was over. We haven't spoken. He moved to another state. He hasn't talked to anyone form our past. It's like he just started over and wants nothing to do with his old life. He went to another state to work and make extra money to pay for our wedding and met her and cheated. That was it...it was over. 3 days before he sent me romantic things and was all lovey dovey. Doesn't make sense!!!
daisygirl Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 oh. that's not what I wanted to hear...but it's probably the truth. He just loved me so much. Then one day...it was over. We haven't spoken. He moved to another state. He hasn't talked to anyone form our past. It's like he just started over and wants nothing to do with his old life. He went to another state to work and make extra money to pay for our wedding and met her and cheated. That was it...it was over. 3 days before he sent me romantic things and was all lovey dovey. Doesn't make sense!!! I'm sorry. I hope I didn't make you feel worse. Maybe what I said isn't right....like I said, I am still trying to figure myself out....your situation doesnt make sense....I mean, why would he leave just like that?
Confused9 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 That's the question I have been asking myslef for 4 months. How, why, etc. We were planning a wedding. We were in love. He worshiped the ground I walked on. He was always so expressive with his emotions. Then he just changed. He'd text me as we were breaking up. It feels so good to know you ar emoving on. I'd be like...what? He woudlnt' call me or come see me it was all done via text message or email. Like he coulnd't face me. It doesn't make sense. It really doesn't. I am so lonely without him. I miss him. I hate being without him. He won't talk to any of his friends from back here. It's like he just dropped everyone. IT kills me. I love him still.
Author THEBIGARC Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 We went through all of the planning. We got married and a year later, she feels it was a mistake. If he was having doubts then, he will always have them! I should have read the signs. He hear " I am sorry. I love you. I am commited to our relationship now." It is a load of crap.
Confused9 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I still can't think of any signs. We were really solid. It just doesn't make sense. Maybe one day it will. I mean, no relationship is perfect and we had our fights, etc. but he never showed me he didn't care about me. He was still loving, s*xual, etc. It just hurts to think he was living a lie.
daisygirl Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I still can't think of any signs. We were really solid. It just doesn't make sense. Maybe one day it will. I mean, no relationship is perfect and we had our fights, etc. but he never showed me he didn't care about me. He was still loving, s*xual, etc. It just hurts to think he was living a lie. How long were you two together?
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