GlamourBabe Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 And like the title says the depression is overwhelming.. As soon as I try to get a hold on my situation.. I feel like everything comes crashing down.. Inside I feel like I am this frightened little girl screaming out and no one but me can hear her.. Yet I hear her all day and all night, and I dont know how to help her..I try to understand her and help her but nothing I do stops the pain she is in.. I feel like I am failing her... I feel helpless as she needs me but there is nothing I can do... I feel caught between the life that goes on but the dying child within... I feel like I have to do something quick if not her pain will take over my life and then I will be no more.. I am trying so hard to do the things this little girl so badly wants for me.. i.e going to uni..establishing a career, making new friends and being positive But I feel the fear of this little girl in everything I do. I feel the pain she feels in everything I do. I have ran out of my anti-depressant tablets and need to get more. This little girl was doormant whilst on these tablets. But now she is back and she is screaming louder than before. I really need help and I am not sure if I have the resources to be able to help her before she takes my life..
MattyTee Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Hey GlamourBabe, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I will say a few things firstly that are 'normal' things you will hear from people... The first is that depression can be very debilitating and it can also have many root causes. Something you might want to consider is going to see a therapist. I notice you are in the UK and it is possible to find both NHS and other counselors for a reasonable price. I have been going for several months and even though a great deal has changed for me I still go because it is wonderful to have someone like that to talk with, I can share anything with him. If you would like a name / number of someone to contact then you can PM me and I'll let you know. With regards to the anti-depressants, they are useful for certain things but they will not solve anything. They will mask the underlying problem so that the moment you come off them, the problems will resurface - that's why people become dependent on them. I am speaking from experience as I have been through very heavy depression, even wanting to commit suicide, and also been on medication. Now, I'm off medication and a great deal has changed. Just remember, there is light at the end of this. So, with most of my posts I usually sound a little bit crazy with my advice so I shall continue that here. I hope it gives you a different perspective than you might otherwise get ... and I hope it helps And like the title says the depression is overwhelming.. As soon as I try to get a hold on my situation.. I feel like everything comes crashing down.. Inside I feel like I am this frightened little girl screaming out and no one but me can hear her.. The truth is she's calling out for you and you alone, she doesn't want or need anyone else to hear her. Believe me, she is a very real part of you and she is trying to tell you something. Yet I hear her all day and all night, and I dont know how to help her..I try to understand her and help her but nothing I do stops the pain she is in.. This is going to sound crazy, but Glam, try talking with her. Try listening to her, nothing else. Don't offer solutions, don't offer answers. Everything this little girl needs you already know - she is you. Everything she needs you are strong enough to give - because she is you. I feel like I am failing her... I feel helpless as she needs me but there is nothing I can do... I feel caught between the life that goes on but the dying child within... I feel like I have to do something quick if not her pain will take over my life and then I will be no more.. I am trying so hard to do the things this little girl so badly wants for me.. i.e going to uni..establishing a career, making new friends and being positive But I feel the fear of this little girl in everything I do. I feel the pain she feels in everything I do. I have ran out of my anti-depressant tablets and need to get more. This little girl was doormant whilst on these tablets. But now she is back and she is screaming She is screaming because she has not been heard. She is desperately trying to tell you something ... perhaps she is telling you that she will look after you, that you don't need to worry, that you are strong enough and you will be okay. Maybe she is looking after the 'you' that you feel right now. Are you doing those things that she 'wants' for her? Or are you doing those things for 'you'? Perhaps you aren't listening to what she is saying and instead are trying to find distractions around you in life. This is a chance to finally listen to the little girl inside that has been needing to talk for so long. You aren't crazy Glam, this is you ... this is a part of you that has been hurting for a long time (probably for a long time before the break up) and finally needs to be heard. As I said before, finding someone who can help you get in touch with that might be a good idea - a therapist. louder than before. I really need help and I am not sure if I have the resources to be able to help her before she takes my life.. You have everything you need. You are as strong as you need to be. But you have to let yourself be that person. She isn't taking your life, she is a part of you that has not been heard and a part of you that needs to be. Perhaps you are running away from that? Perhaps you feel you are being driven to something ... that it would be easier to hide than it would be to turn and listen? To feel that pain, to listen to her stories of how she is hurt, to accept everything she is ... to accept everything you are. If you can, find that courage within that is there buried deep. Stop running. Turn around. Talk to her. Find out what she needs to say. The forum is always here to vent, to talk, whatever you need. <hug> Matt
s_n_d Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 First of all, You deserve a bunny for coming so far in the NC process. Secondly Keep at it, hun. Remember the days when you thought you would never be able to do NC? Look at you now... Youve done so well. Please dont break the NC. Breaking NC wont bring your ex back; We both know that. Im on my 35th day of NC now. I still miss him uncontrollably but it will get a lot better soon. Stay strong.
D-Lish Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Firstly, get to your doc and get back on your meds. One should never simply discontinue taking meds cold turkey. If and when you are ready to stop taking meds, that should be a decision between you and your doctor... not at the advice of strangers on a forum. Meds don't solve all your problems- but they can provide you with the focusing tools to do so. If your old meds made you feel a bit zombie-ish, perhaps you can explore a different med that doesn't make you feel that way. I can relate to where you are right now. I think I just woke up after essentiallly being asleep for more than 20 hours... even getting out of bed is hard, and it hurts. Making contact with an ex isn't going to make everything better. It has to start with you. I can't tell you that it is going to be easy to go from how you are feeling now to getting better down the road. But I can tell you that it is possible. I think that when you are depressed and suffering as you are that you don't want to hear people tell you that everything's going to be okay. I know I have a hard time hearing that.... because you can't possibly see how things will be okay when you feel as low as you do. Honestly, it starts with a decision. A decision to get out of bed in the morning and take the first step. In your case this means getting your prescription re-filled and having a talk with your doctor. It's a baby step- but it's a step in the right direction.
Author GlamourBabe Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 MattyT- Thank you ever so much for that post. It was a great help to see your insight into how I am feeling. I will be going to Lo-Down which is a counselling service near me.. D-Lish - Your right I will go back to my doctor and get back on my meds. About taking baby steps. I have tried that and I always end up going back to square one. Like you, I have just woken up for a loooooooooooong nap. snd- Thanks hun. I wont be contacting him anyway. I am trying to deal with my pain alone.. I think I will try and do what Matty-t has said and talk to my inner child. See what she wants...
sedgwick Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Rapid discontinuation of psych meds is a very, VERY bad idea! Especially SSRIs, which is what most antidepressants on the market today are (Prozac, Paxil, Cymbalta, Lexapro, Zoloft, etc.) These can cause very real physical withdrawal symptoms, not to mention the psychiatric ones. If you are feeling at all suicidal, discontinuing your meds could be, at worst, the reason why you feel that way, and, at best, making you even more miserable. Please, please, please get another prescription IMMEDIATELY! Like today! Okay? And please tell your physician that you are experiencing suicidal ideation. They are there to help you.
Phateless Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Distractions are key. When going through my breakup I: -went to the gym every day as soon as i got home from work -stayed away from myspace/facebook/etc -went for a run at midnight once (my mind was racing, didn't know what else to do) -kept in constant contact with friends and have every spare minute filled up -went salsa dancing every friday night and to the gym every saturday night I basically tried to fill up every minute of every day to keep myself distracted, or around people, and it worked. I would stop by friends' houses after work, unannounced, and just sit around until it was time to go home and go to sleep. It helped.
MalachiX Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 GlamourBabe, I'm going through something very similar and I admit suicidal thoughts come and go from time to time (both because of the relationship and how I feel about my life). I don't know any advice to give so I'll just suggest this: You don't hurt yourself and I won't hurt myself. That way, you know that by going on, you're helping someone and I know the same. Deal?
D-Lish Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Sometimes I think we actually make a little progress- but just aren't in the right mind set to recognize it. Perhaps it doesn't seem like much- but just opening up and telling your story here is a good thing- it's a step. Going to the doc and getting the meds straightened out- that's another step. Even going a day without crying... sometimes those small things are hard to recgnize- but as you add them all up- you begin to see that it is progress. It's hard to see right now, I know that. Sleeping is a hard habit to break also. I found that after having that really long two or three days of mostly sleep- that I feel better. More relaxed and energized. It's the overwhelming sadness that is hard to overcome. When you are in that place, it can seem very hopeless. One thing I have learned is that it doesn't go away if I just sit around in my pjs and sleep all day. Some things we have to do for ourselves - or it's succumbing to defeat. You still feeling really bad tonight?
MattyTee Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Hey Glam, I hope you are doing okay. I wanted to add a couple of things after reading what other people had put. Firstly, other posters are right in that if you are on hefty medication coming off it can be a difficult process that should be talked through with your GP. My personal feeling is that the moment you think you can reduce and then finish with the drugs the better, they are not going to help in the long run. Again, make sure this is done with your GP. I was on fairly low-dose anti-depressants, mainly because I simply couldn't sleep. The therapy sessions are what have brought me out of that slump, and I came off the medication when I felt I was ready - for the first two or three days I experienced some emotional moments that I couldn't link to anything, I would put these down to the medication. I wouldn't focus on progress right now. As D-Lish says doing little things is a great way of 'moving' without noticing. If you are constantly worrying because you have cried today or you feel like spending a day indoors without seeing anyone then you are giving yourself a hard time over nothing. Progress will come as it comes, no faster, and you will experience moments when you feel you have shot all the way back to the beginning. Understanding that this will happen can strengthen your faith that you will once more be able to deal with what comes. In order to deal with the underlying issues that are in your life right now, as I said listening to that little girl, you can help yourself in this by working on other aspects. What I mean by this is giving yourself the best possible chance of hearing her and being able to respond. You can change some things in life, little by little, which will have an impact on your coping ... and therefore with your ability to delve further into your past (which is where I bet you lies the key to this). Exercise is important. Spend time outside if you can, going for walks. Write a journal, get all that crap out of the system - whatever comes, write it - you'll be surprised. Do something you like, be it singing, badminton, punching a pillow ... Spend time on yourself, enjoy a nice bath, read some books. None of these things will solve anything, but they will give you the strength you need to begin I wish you all the best in the world with your journey. I'll keep watching Matt
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