Somebody sort my head out!!

[A.J.]

I'll try to keep this short as i can but i know it wont be! New to this - just looking for answers really. Broke up with my gf of 2.5 years in November. Pushed her away as i had some personal issues to deal with where i should have been letting her help me instead. But i think i needed to be by myself to get through them.

She kept in touch; popping round for a brew, phoning seeing how i was and so on. Anyway, in Jan i didnt see her as much and finally realised that i had sorted myself out whilst on my own so got in touch. Told her i wanted to be with her completely and build a future with her. She then hit me with a mini bombshell that one of her friends who had been a shoulder to cry on had made a move on her and she was seeing him. Had been for 3 weeks.

So i told her that i wanted her back and hoped she would come and give it a go. I hadnt always treated her right whilst we were together - didnt hit her or cheat, but put her second best and was out with my mates a lot and did other things by myself. But there were a lot of good times too!

 

Now this is where it gets even more complicated. She cried a lot and asked me why i wouldnt show this commitment weeks ago because she feels confused now. I hurt her a lot and this lad is showing her a good time, treating her nice, complimenting her and so on and she told me she is scared to come back cos i may hurt her all over again and also that this 'new' relationship is just starting and she may start thinking 'what if' if she doesnt see where it goes, and that if she broke up with him she will also lose a good friend as he was beforehand. It came down to a big decision for her.

This was 5 weeks ago. Since then, we have spent time together. She does the usual - sits on my knee, cuddles, loves, kisses. Shes told me she loves me, wants to be with me, wants a family with me but her barrier is up and she wont make the step back. She also is still seeing the other lad but nowhere near as much as she was.

We have spoke or spent nearly every day together in the last month but ive got nowhere. She asked for some space to sort her head out 2 week ago (usually translates into leave me alone - i want to be with him), but she isnt the sort of woman to play games like this. So i give her the space and 2 days later she gets in touch saying "its POSSIBLY wrong that we're apart"!! So i ask her what happens now, but the 'possibly' is her trump card cos she still cant decide. She asks to see me and tells me that the decision is about coming back to me or not. It has nothing to do with this other bloke, who she concedes is maybe just a friend and doesnt love him. I then get nice texts saying "that in her heart i'm the one she wants but her head is playing tricks on her". We see each other again during the time apart and apart from telling me she 'cant be with me now cos she needs time and space to work out what she needs', and also that her ability to love and to trust has gone cos i hurt her so much, she ends up talking about what a good dad i'd be to our kids and that she would love to build a life with me but is too scared at the moment.

I have become so confused. I would rather she would just come right out and tell me she wants to give it a go with him, cos thats what i feel she is thinking, yet when i ask her she says she doesnt know what she wants. So many mixed messages and signals. I told her she is stringing along 2 men and she needs to make a decision soon but she tells me she will make it in her own time and that i messed her around for about 9 months so who am i to dictate time limits?!?!

So last saturday I told her that we would have to have the time apart that she asked for but wont stick to and that i would to have to move on with my life as it has all made me really ill and tired. She cried and says she doesnt want me out of her life but eventually agreed to not contacting me until she has come to some decisions.

4 days later im beside myself. I want to contact her to see what she is thinking but i know that is the wrong thing to do. I know she has spent time with the other bloke as we all live close together and ive seen her car at his and i hate it. I know he has her ear and will be buttering her up and saying the right things she wants to hear whilst she is vulnerable. I feel as if i leave her be she will drift away into his arms yet cant be around her anymore in this 3 way relationship.

I spoke to a female friend who, after reading her texts and letters and knowing my ex is not a messer or some sort of player of games, is convinced that she will return to me cos she really does love me and want me and that she is truly confused and messed up because of our past and has rebounded into this lads arms who is showing her a good time at the moment. (He has also told her in the last few days he loves her and wants a future with her and cant contemplate his life without her - after a few weeks dating!!) But i have to leave her be for the time being.

All my male friends are telling me to get rid cos any girl that can say the things she has to me yet continues to work on a relationship with someone else isnt worth it. Thing is, I think she is. Help please???

[prisonbreak]

You are already doing the right thing, giving her time to figure it out. Be patient my friend. I know it hurts that she is over at his place, but relax. She loves you and if it's meant to be, she will eventually make the right choice. Keep being patient. You are on the right track. Time always has away of sorting things out. Congrats on being so wise as to get out of the 3 way relationship, shows you have some respect for yourself. Stay strong and don't contact her, let her miss you. If she drifts away, then really it wasn't meant to be. I know this is all easier said than done...hang in there!

[A.J.]

Cheers for the reply. I was going mental!! Still am really.

[sedgwick]

I think she's doing what she is entitled to do. You may not like it, but you let her go, and she started seeing someone else. She likes him but obviously she loves you. However, if I were in her position, I'd be afraid of you leaving again too.

 

I was with a guy who didn't hit me or cheat but who put me second, and it hurts so much. It really eats away at your self-esteem. Give her time to come around and don't pressure her. My guess is that she'll come back to you but she needs time to figure out whether or not she can trust you. There's nothing you can do to make her. Just tell her how much you love her and that you'll be waiting to hear from her, and then go total NC. Let her make the next move. Tell her when she comes around that you want her all to yourself and that you need to see she can leave this other guy before you get back together. You also have to let her know that you will include her in your life, even when you're having problems.

 

If my guy came back I'd be acting like she is, except that I'm not seeing anyone else. But you can bet I wouldn't be as available to him as I was before.

[MalachiX]

AJ, you're pretty close to my current situation only without the other man (and it being a long distance relationship). I was going through some very difficult personal stuff and putting her second as I often did (because i'm a self-absorbed ass). She broke up with me in a moment of anger then tried to give me a chance to rectify things but I was still so deep in my own personal stuff that I told her she was better off without me (that's still probably true). We talked like friends for a week or so after but then she cut contact and I havn't heard from her in two weeks (despite trying my best). I'm making a lot of progress dealing with my own issues but I'm worried that it's way too late to mend the fences with my ex. I'm worried that I'm going to end up being allright and having lost her forever but, on the other hand, if I'd begged for her back when I was totally down I'd just end up using her as a crutch again and making her feel even more worthless.

 

So basically what I'm saying is.... wanna get drunk together and morn our lot in life?

[A.J.]

Heh heh. Nice one. But i was drunk last night!

 

Anyway, she called yesterday. Usual stuff - asked how i was. Told her i was fine and had been going out with a few different people and enjoying myself. Said to her i had to move on cos it seemed like she wanted to stay with him. I asked how she was then and she said 'it doesnt matter cos youve moved on anyway'. I told her its not like that - i have to though. She said i never or dont value her. I said 'i did but didnt show it or communicate properly and i valued her a lot.'

Told her ive done a lot of thinking and that ' i loved her and WANT to be with her but i now know i dont NEED to be with her' I can be on my own just as easily. That shocked her i think and she had a bit of a go saying 'she always needed me and that just proves her right and i dont need her'. Cant win!!!

Then a text late last night telling me she is struggling to understand what i meant when we spoke today. She thinks ive already forgot how i felt and it sounds like ive met somebody else. And also if thats the case she'd rather i said so she doesnt need to consider anything anymore.

 

Told her nothing has changed. I love her and i want her and ive given her the space she needed but she has to decide if she wants to leave him to be with me sooner or later. If yes then dont leave it too long, if no then leave me be.

[D-Lish]

It sounds as if your ex is struggling with whether or not getting back with you means embarking down the same path that ended painfully for her the first time.

 

I have no doubt she loves you, but I am also sure that she is worried you might leave her again~ or worse, take her for granted again.

 

Actions really do speak louder than words. You can tell you love her and want her back all you want, but it is your actions that will show her you mean this.

 

I don't think she will be able to make a decision unless you remove yourself from the picture while she sorts this out. The time she is spending with this other guy is dangerous, because he is giving her everything she had wanted from you.

 

I think she will decide to come back, but that is when the real work will start. You're going to have to make her a priority in your life and go out of your way to make her feel safe again. Once someone you love leaves you... there is a lot of pain that comes with that.

 

Have you thought about whether or not you are truly ready to make sacrifices in the relationship? Are you dedicated to spending less time with your mates and more time with her? Can you include her in your pain the next time instead of pushing her away? These are the sort of things you should know you are ready to face if you want her back.

 

If you truly love her all the aforementioned sacrifices are a must to get the relationship back on track and keep it there.

 

Hang in there. It takes a strong person to admit their mistakes and make amends. I wouldn't worry about her staying with the other guy- she's already admitted to easing him into the friend zone...and well, it's evident by her inability to stop contacting you that you are in her head.

 

Patience, she'll be back.

[A.J.]

I am ready to put 110% into her, and making her number one in my life. Ive never been more sure of something. I want her to feel comfortable, secure, happy and complete with me. Like we were in the beginning but this time im in for the long haul.

And im going to listen, and start to communicate instead of shutting up.

If i get another chance. I feel her slipping every day.

[A.J.]

Ok, update. She called yesterday and asked me if we could talk last night. I was nervous cos the last time we had a chat face to face I asked her not to get in touch unless it was to decide to have another go or to tell me it was definitely over.

 

It was neither. We spoke for a few hours but the general direction of conversation was that she loves me but the new bloke is showing her a good time and making her happy, taking her out, being there and telling her 'they make a good team'. He was there for her the other day when she had had a bad day and was lonely. And she kept telling me he's a nice bloke - almost justifying being with him. She told me im still her number one and the main focus in her life, to which i argued with and told her she was wrong. She told me they're not sleeping together because of her feelings for me. He's not happy, but dealing with it.

 

She went through all my faults and seemed to be seriously focusing on my negatives, of which there were many. She did bring up some of the good times but it almost seemed like she was trying to talk herself out of coming back. But then in the next breath she's telling me she doesnt want me out of her life!!

 

I told her I couldnt hang around indefinitely and could move on and meet someone else (not that i want to - just reality). She is scared this will happen and kept bringing it up but i told her she was being unfair starting a relationship with someone else but being unhappy that I may. She talked more about her decision whether she could or would come back and said she wasnt ready yet but in time who knows. She also has her best friend returning from Oz tomorrow and has been telling me that she really needs to talk to her about everything because she has nobody else to talk to and has been feeling so lonely with it all bottled up. Her friend will tell it like it is and give her real honest opinions. (I am seriously thinking about kidnapping her at Manchester Airport and bribing her with extravagant gifts!)

 

Im at the stage where I feel she is trying to keep me on the boil whilst she tries to see how things go with him. If they fail then im there waiting in the wings. I could be wrong and she may really be thinking about coming back, but im becoming a little cynical now. "Having her cake and eating it?"

 

Opinions more than welcome please!?

[BalancenLuv20]

A.J. you are exactly right about what her intentions are. Yes she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I don't know of many men out there who can stand his woman experimenting with another man so she can make sure that "you" are the right one. This is B.S. Drop her... this is really unhealthy...she is selfish just like you said. She can fool around with this other guy, but she would hate if you started seeing someone else, it shows me that her maturity level seems extremely low. You like all of us who have had our hearts ripped apart by these types of individuals deserve better. How do you know she isn't telling him the same thing, "o that guy, he's just kinda someone who i have fun with, you're(meaning this other guy) still my #1.

 

You have done well at recognizing the situation and telling her how you feel, but now it is seriously time to take action. She's obviously not ready for a COMMITTED relationship and she's selfish and immature and you need to stand your ground and tell her enough is enough. Kick her to the curb this girl is full of it, take care of yourself and we're here to support to you in your decision...