girl i been on a couple of dates with tells me that she doesnt feel chemistry

March 6, 2008

She told him outright that she doesn't feel chemistry and wants to be friends. Spending time with her right after her saying that sends the impression that he's ok with this arrangement. He's not. He's only going to be torturing himself this way.

You're identifying with the girl in this situation, not the poster. The girl would love to hang out with him under no obligation, and have the option to change her mind at any time. She's making him the bench warmer, putting him on the back burner. do you see that?

What you don't see is that this is torture for the guy - being strung along. Drinks and dinner SOUNDS like a date, but it's NOT. If he's not ok with being JUST FRIENDS, he should not hang out with her.

Everybody reading this thread should watch the move "Just Friends."

they do eventually hook up at the end of them movie.lol

March 6, 2008

You're right, I guess I am looking at it from a woman's perspective.
But I still don't see anything wrong with still being friends rather than just cutting all ties with her-but that's just me:)

There is absolutely nothing wrong with it if both people feel satisfied. I've had numerous close platonic female friends (not work-related) over the years and do and will always value those friendships. They're great people. For whatever reason, we had no sexual chemistry and, this is the important part, this nuance was equal. Equality, not one person being attracted sexually and the other not.

I don't know the OP and don't know if he has the capacity to be "just friends" with a woman. I know very few of my male friends, if single, who could. Their wives keep them under control Hence, if he is attracted sexually, he'll be frustrated sexually in the "friend zone" and the relationship will be unsatisfying. He'll use up time and energy on an unfruitful (to him) relationship that he could better spend finding someone sexually and emotionally compatible.

I have experienced the friend zone long-term (as in decades) with a certain friend and trust me when I tell you he is a smart man if he does not "settle".

March 6, 2008

Yup. Carhill nailed it. I have had certain female friends from time to time who I hang out with and start thinking to myself "I just can't see her at all. I want her too much." and not in a sexual way. If one person feels more and the other doesn't... friendship won't work.

March 7, 2008

heres an update:

hung out with the girl yesterday for about 3 hours and chatted over some lunch and a few beers. there was no mention about what she told me earlier in the week how she didnt feel any chemistry towards me or what not. we acted like we were on another date and laughed and enjoyed each others company. i really wanted her to tell me what the 'real' problem was, but i didnt want to force the issue. she went on to tell me how her dad had just been diagnosed with prostrate cancer this week and i told her that i am always available to talk to if and when needed.

she asked me could we play some tennis and have lunch next week.

after i left seeing her, i got really upset and have been since. i am just in a real strange place at the moment as i dont know what to do, whether to stay as friends or just move on, i am really hurting here, so i would like some further advice.

before she told me she didnt like me as a BF, just a friend, i was thinkingm of all the things we can do together in the future and how happy she has made me when i have been around her already.

is it possible to feel this way about someone else down the track?

March 7, 2008

Do NOT and I repeat DO NOT continue seeing this girl hoping for chemistry.

She is trying to tell you that you are not someone she sees in a romantic sense.

You may wait by the roadside for 20 years and this will never happen....

Don't even contemplate being her * buddy * because thats going to hurt too much especially when she finds THE ONE and you are out like last weeks issue of the NYTimes.

I had this exact situation. Guy was very handsome. He invited me over for dinner , cooked me dinner , put in a great movie and tried snuggling with me and kissed me. It was blegh. It was nada. It was zero. It was zip . I didn't feel anything . He was trying to caress me . Same reaction. He begged me to tell him what he was doing wrong. GOOD GOD what can you SAY when a man asks you that ? I was exxxxxxxxxtremely uncomfortable with trying to tell him why.

It was what it was...

( I should mention that was like my 4th time seeing him , you know movie dates , pizza dates , ect. ) But it just didn't happen the chemistry thing..

March 7, 2008

Yeah, it totally sucks- but once a woman puts you in the friend zone, it's pretty much written in stone.

I had a couple dates with a guy I was on the fence about. He was way more into me than I was into him. By date #3 I told him I could only be his friend because I didn't feel the chemistry. Once I had made that decision, there was no turning back. I just didn't feel it.

I did want to be his friend however. After a few awkward weeks of him bugging me to reconsider, we did settle into a friendship that has been great for both of us. He met someone about 2 months after that and is now very happy. He told me recently that he had lost hope after we didn't work out- but now he is happier than ever and with a girl that he loves and is soon moving in with.

So- success stories do come out of these types of situations.

You just have to put yourself out there with someone else!

The hurt does subside, and new girls will come into your life- I promise you that.

March 7, 2008

Yeah, it totally sucks- but once a woman puts you in the friend zone, it's pretty much written in stone.

I had a couple dates with a guy I was on the fence about. He was way more into me than I was into him. By date #3 I told him I could only be his friend because I didn't feel the chemistry. Once I had made that decision, there was no turning back. I just didn't feel it.

I did want to be his friend however. After a few awkward weeks of him bugging me to reconsider, we did settle into a friendship that has been great for both of us. He met someone about 2 months after that and is now very happy. He told me recently that he had lost hope after we didn't work out- but now he is happier than ever and with a girl that he loves and is soon moving in with.

So- success stories do come out of these types of situations.
You just have to put yourself out there with someone else!
The hurt does subside, and new girls will come into your life- I promise you that.

thanks.

why do u think the girl kept excepting my dates and acted like she was interested for so long before she told me, she would of had to feel a little something to keep going out with me?

im just worried that i may have done something wrong or her to say this.

do u think chemistry is something that can grow on people, or it has to be there to start off with?

March 7, 2008

why do u think the girl kept excepting my dates and acted like she was interested for so long before she told me, she would of had to feel a little something to keep going out with me?

sorry to say mate but she was probably using you until someone better came along. A lot of women aren't able to be single/alone & will easily do this sort of thing without problems. It usually happens to 'nice' guys. I used to be one & it happened to me too

March 7, 2008

thanks.

why do u think the girl kept excepting my dates and acted like she was interested for so long before she told me, she would of had to feel a little something to keep going out with me?

im just worried that i may have done something wrong or her to say this.

do u think chemistry is something that can grow on people, or it has to be there to start off with?

She wanted to hang out with you because she figured that having an "orbiter" was better than not having one ( AND she is still shopping for that BBD )

In the old days we would call what she is doing "using him".

You want some toughluv ? Dump her and find another girl who appeciates you , BUT you got to be a lot more masculine and quit being so whiney.

Women do not define your life or your worth. They are merely options to a man who already has a successful life.

Work on your life, your health and your career and a great woman will come along.

March 7, 2008

You’re wasting your time hear, just go and look for someone else. There's no point crying over split milk is there? Not when there is so many varieties of milk out there, ranging from soya milk to goat's milk.

March 7, 2008

I hope she paid for her share of the lunch since you guys are just "buddies" now. I would make that the last time I see this girl if I were you. I am a woman and when we say there is no chemistry - that's it!

Don't waste anymore of your time, money and heart on a loss cause.

March 7, 2008

No, You dont have a chance. You chat and chat yourself to a non-sexual being - her Friend. MOVE ON.

When you are out with next girl dont try to hide your sexual self. What are you ashamed of? I dont mean grabbing her boobs (it comes later), just dont try to look harmless little bunny creature.

March 7, 2008

You need to look elsewhere for female companionship. Accepting pseudo-dates with this woman is going to do two things to you. First, it keeps you heartsick and miserable, pining away for her, hoping she'll change her mind. Second, it makes you less available to find a girlfriend.

The right thing to do is to limit the time you spend with this woman. Put a personal ad up online, go to a social event, get out and meet a few new women.

It's incredibly unlikely this woman will change her mind, so you're most likely only prolonging the inevitable, and making yourself feel awful in the process. I can't imagine anything more masochistic than 'dating' someone that you're infatuated with, but who has zero romantic interest in you, and has flatly told you so.

March 7, 2008

they do eventually hook up at the end of them movie.lol

1st It is Hollywood. Dreams-come-true-for-wussies.

2nd He was famous and loaded. Thats why he was still an option after all his debacles.

3rd After he cried at the end (she did not for a sec) even awful old witch would dump him. hollywood.

March 7, 2008

If she kissed him, there's something there, but maybe not enough. At the very least, I'm hoping that in that month he'll meet someone better. If not, he now has enough distance to re approach the situation with a fresh and hopefully more objective mind.

I've kissed guys in the process of trying to find out if chemistry is there...I don't think you necessarily have to feel something before you kiss someone. To me, kissing can be a litmus test.

thanks.

why do u think the girl kept excepting my dates and acted like she was interested for so long before she told me, she would of had to feel a little something to keep going out with me?

im just worried that i may have done something wrong or her to say this.

do u think chemistry is something that can grow on people, or it has to be there to start off with?

Check out this site - it will explain a lot....

http://www.laddertheory.com/

March 7, 2008

thanks.

why do u think the girl kept excepting my dates and acted like she was interested for so long before she told me, she would of had to feel a little something to keep going out with me?

im just worried that i may have done something wrong or her to say this.

do u think chemistry is something that can grow on people, or it has to be there to start off with?

well, honestly, i do either feel it or i don't. can't make it appear.

there have been times where i dated someone several times (and no, i didn't expect him to pay all the time, fellas) because i did like him, as a person, and my head told me to stick it out and give it a real try. but if the chemistry wasn't there at all, it never showed up later.

in some cases, if i was on the fence or unsure, attraction actually did grow after a few dates. but in others, when i realized it's just not going to be there, then i'd say something to the guy. i think that may be what she did - she wasn't sure, stuck around for a bit to see if sexual chemistry is there, decided it isn't but likes you as a person. it's up to you, though, to decide whether you want to stick around as just a friend. I think that's a tough place to be, particularly if you're still hoping that'll change.

and yes, sometimes kissing is a way to really figure out if you feel sexual chemistry or just friendship.

sorry.

March 8, 2008

well, honestly, i do either feel it or i don't. can't make it appear.

there have been times where i dated someone several times (and no, i didn't expect him to pay all the time, fellas) because i did like him, as a person, and my head told me to stick it out and give it a real try. but if the chemistry wasn't there at all, it never showed up later.

in some cases, if i was on the fence or unsure, attraction actually did grow after a few dates. but in others, when i realized it's just not going to be there, then i'd say something to the guy. i think that may be what she did - she wasn't sure, stuck around for a bit to see if sexual chemistry is there, decided it isn't but likes you as a person. it's up to you, though, to decide whether you want to stick around as just a friend. I think that's a tough place to be, particularly if you're still hoping that'll change.

and yes, sometimes kissing is a way to really figure out if you feel sexual chemistry or just friendship.

sorry.

having been on a few dates beforehand, it would be hard for her to evaluate sexual chemistry wouldnt it, as i didnt want to seem to full on in that way so she wouldnt get spooked

March 8, 2008

Once you've experienced what mutual physical attraction is, it's easy to spot. I have no problem spotting it although I don't act on it since I'm married. It does happen though, with perfect strangers or even friends. It's part of the human experience.

I've come to trust women's judgement in such matters. After all, they are the gatekeepers

March 8, 2008

I've come to trust women's judgement in such matters. After all, they are the gatekeepers

Oh yeah ? But i have a very big KEY.

March 8, 2008

well, honestly, i do either feel it or i don't. can't make it appear.

there have been times where i dated someone several times (and no, i didn't expect him to pay all the time, fellas) because i did like him, as a person, and my head told me to stick it out and give it a real try. but if the chemistry wasn't there at all, it never showed up later.

in some cases, if i was on the fence or unsure, attraction actually did grow after a few dates. but in others, when i realized it's just not going to be there, then i'd say something to the guy. i think that may be what she did - she wasn't sure, stuck around for a bit to see if sexual chemistry is there, decided it isn't but likes you as a person. it's up to you, though, to decide whether you want to stick around as just a friend. I think that's a tough place to be, particularly if you're still hoping that'll change.

and yes, sometimes kissing is a way to really figure out if you feel sexual chemistry or just friendship.

sorry.

we kissed on the second date a couple of times, (just pecking) lol. but it wasnt till after 5 days, she told me abrout how she didnt feel chemistry stuff, mind u, 15 mins before she told me all this, she accepted my invitation to go out to dinner and the movies.

i just didnt expect that i would have had to be more sexual so early on, especially when i was going into this whole thing trying to not move too fast, as that was the impression i was getting from her.

reading some of these replies has me thinking, was i not physical enough, or was i too physical (ie;just kissing), i just cant put my finger on it.

March 8, 2008

she accepted my invitation to go out to dinner and the movies.

Of course! Who wouldn't turn down free dinner and a movie? That's how the 'unboyfriend' thing works. You spend money, but never get to actually date. As long as she feels like taking advantage, you'll get vague 'maybe' sort of answers so that you will continue doing so.

March 8, 2008

Oh yeah ? But i have a very big KEY.

Ah, but don't forget the line from "War of the Roses" about the bald avenger

March 8, 2008

Ah, but don't forget the line from "War of the Roses" about the bald avenger

Oops - thanks CarKill. Good advice.

March 8, 2008

reading some of these replies has me thinking, was i not physical enough, or was i too physical (ie;just kissing), i just cant put my finger on it.

Listen to me you idiot. When a woman says there is no chemistry, she means that she is never gonna sleep with you EVER, but she would still like you to "orbit" around some and take her on fake dates. Do not do this.

You're also thinking that this is because YOU have made a wrong move ? Nah, this is all about her ! There is obviously some deep seated psych problem with her. Probably not enough Omega 3 fish oil either !

Sometimes you meet one who just cant get it right. THis happened to me when I was a teen. Girl stood me up and dated someone else - imagine that ! Hard to believe...

March 8, 2008

I've been that woman before.

I once went out with a guy 3-4 times in the hopes chemistry would develop. He was a great guy in a lot of ways - smart, quirky, generous, kind, imaginative. I *wanted* there to be chemistry. But it wasn't there. I kept going out with him in the hopes it would develop. But after a few dates, I realized it was never going to come. I called him up to tell him, but got thrown off when he asked me out to dinner. I accepted the dinner and hung up, not having told him that I didn't want to see him anymore.

I felt awful about it though, and called him back to cancel dinner and break things off. I imagine he felt as surprised as you. May have even felt like I used him. In truth, that was the farthest thing from my mind. We were just getting to know each other, and in the process of getting to know someone, sometimes you're going to decide/realize that you're not a fit for whatever reason.

In my case, it was that elusive chemistry that just never developed. I wasn't excited about the idea of kissing him. Period. I can't explain why, it just was.

To the OP, try not to dwell on the why's and what if's. Don't spend any more time with this woman if you are still romantically interested. From her perspective, she was clear with you about what she wants (friends, not dating) and you are tacitly accepting that arrangement by hanging out with her now. Don't blame this on her - for your own sake, walk away.

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girl i been on a couple of dates with tells me that she doesnt feel chemistry

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