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girl i been on a couple of dates with tells me that she doesnt feel chemistry

handyman08

By handyman08
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handyman08 Member

handyman08

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after 4 dates and endless hours of chatting everyday this girl finally tells me that she doesnt feel any chemistry. it has to be on her end, because i feel chemistry on my end. the last couple of dates we kissed aswell.

 

she tells me that i am attractive, that she likes me and that i am fun and that she loves being around me, yet she doesnt feel chemistry.

 

thus, she says, she see's me more of a friend than a boyfriend. (those were here exact words)

 

can someone help me out here, what does this mean. do i still have a chance?

 

funny thing is, she still wants to hang out with me all the time, and she wants me to have lunch and drinks with her trw. what do i do? what do i say to her?

 

cheers

Edited by handyman08
compassion42 Established Member

compassion42

Posted
Posted

If you really like this girl, I would say to continue to spend time with her. Chemistry is something that can be instant or may need time to develop. Maybe if you spend more time together she will have a change of heart. If that doesn't happen, then at least you will have a new friend.

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handyman08 Member

handyman08

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If you really like this girl, I would say to continue to spend time with her. Chemistry is something that can be instant or may need time to develop. Maybe if you spend more time together she will have a change of heart. If that doesn't happen, then at least you will have a new friend.

 

thanks for giving me some slight hope. so many people have told me chemistry should be instant, but im glad to here it can take time.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Disparity of "chemistry" and "friend zone" can portend for heartache.

 

I've been in the friend zone with someone I was attracted to. It's something only a masochist can appreciate :D

 

Thank her for her honesty (assuming she knows how you feel) and move on. If she has an epiphany, she'll call you.

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handyman08 Member

handyman08

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Disparity of "chemistry" and "friend zone" can portend for heartache.

 

I've been in the friend zone with someone I was attracted to. It's something only a masochist can appreciate :D

 

Thank her for her honesty (assuming she knows how you feel) and move on. If she has an epiphany, she'll call you.

 

she still wants to hang out and what not, actually trw she wants to do lunch and drinks. should i still hang around her?

 

she knows how i feel about her, despite apparently she dont feel the same way about me

Ocean-Blue Established Member

Ocean-Blue

Posted
Posted
after 4 dates and endless hours of chatting everyday this girl finally tells me that she doesnt feel any chemistry. it has to be on her end, because i feel chemistry on my end. the last couple of dates we kissed aswell.

 

she tells me that i am attractive, that she likes me and that i am fun and that she loves being around me, yet she doesnt feel chemistry.

 

thus, she says, she see's me more of a friend than a boyfriend. (those were here exact words)

 

can someone help me out here, what does this mean. do i still have a chance?

 

funny thing is, she still wants to hang out with me all the time, and she wants me to have lunch and drinks with her trw. what do i do? what do i say to her?

 

cheers

 

At this point, you do not have a chance. Pursuing something with her would be pointless.

 

Be lucky she is being honest with you and saving you future hurt.

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handyman08 Member

handyman08

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i just feel so depressed about this. and i feel as though i will never meet anyone who will make me happy like her again

Ocean-Blue Established Member

Ocean-Blue

Posted
Posted
i just feel so depressed about this. and i feel as though i will never meet anyone who will make me happy like her again

 

That's not true.

 

You will be happy. No one gives you happiness. It is not something to seek. It is in you.

 

You are stronger than you think.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
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The hurt comes from the loss of sharing, not because the other person "made you happy". Take it from a friend zone expert. It's not a place you want to be unless you really like having a lot of platonic female friends :)

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handyman08 Member

handyman08

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The hurt comes from the loss of sharing, not because the other person "made you happy". Take it from a friend zone expert. It's not a place you want to be unless you really like having a lot of platonic female friends :)

 

hope this feeling of hurt doesnt last long i hope

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handyman08 Member

handyman08

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The hurt comes from the loss of sharing, not because the other person "made you happy". Take it from a friend zone expert. It's not a place you want to be unless you really like having a lot of platonic female friends :)

 

what do u exactly mean by this?

NuTuDating Established Member

NuTuDating

Posted
Posted

You can still go out with her, but I would actively seek someone else to date, because that is what she will be doing. If you have an opportunity to date someone else, do that as a priority over spending time with your new "friend".

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
what do u exactly mean by this?

People share emotions, dreams, aspirations, frustrations, etc in relationships, and that forms and emotional (neurochemical) bond. It's kind of like being a sensory "alcoholic" in that we crave those sensory inputs from our partner. When they're gone, "withdrawal" sets in as the brain adjusts to the loss of familiar chemical patterns.

 

That's my dimestore psych explanation, anyway. :D

 

I've explained it a certain way to a longtime female friend I was in love with in the past. She (meaning her presence in real life and in my thoughts) "inspires" me and this causes me to reach beyond myself to try new things and tackle difficult challenges, as examples. When absent, my brain misses that emotional chemistry, so a feeling of "emptyness" takes its place. Hard to explain, but I function completely normally in all intellectual tasks, but there's this "hole". She calls, we talk, hole filled. Stupid but true. Don't think it's uncommon. I'm working in therapy to regain a similar feeling with my wife, having lost it when she distanced herself from me emotionally while I was caring for my ill mother. The psychologist says it's possible :)

 

Hope that helps!

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handyman08 Member

handyman08

Posted
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People share emotions, dreams, aspirations, frustrations, etc in relationships, and that forms and emotional (neurochemical) bond. It's kind of like being a sensory "alcoholic" in that we crave those sensory inputs from our partner. When they're gone, "withdrawal" sets in as the brain adjusts to the loss of familiar chemical patterns.

 

That's my dimestore psych explanation, anyway. :D

 

I've explained it a certain way to a longtime female friend I was in love with in the past. She (meaning her presence in real life and in my thoughts) "inspires" me and this causes me to reach beyond myself to try new things and tackle difficult challenges, as examples. When absent, my brain misses that emotional chemistry, so a feeling of "emptyness" takes its place. Hard to explain, but I function completely normally in all intellectual tasks, but there's this "hole". She calls, we talk, hole filled. Stupid but true. Don't think it's uncommon. I'm working in therapy to regain a similar feeling with my wife, having lost it when she distanced herself from me emotionally while I was caring for my ill mother. The psychologist says it's possible :)

 

Hope that helps!

 

thanks................

NiceyDevil New Member

NiceyDevil

Posted
Posted

Well I would make myself less available for this woman. Date other women and let her know it, take things cool and try to see her just as a friend for the time being. The less frustrated and happy you seem to be without her the more she will want you.

 

The things she told you usually happen when she is not feeling that gut level attraction for a men. Keep flirting with her, taking things slowly but at the same time show you are a strong person. There is a difference between wanting and needing someone. She knows you like her so let her know you don't need her.

 

Make her the favor of missing you and realize what she is missing, don't be available ALL the time. The best option a men has to eventually "get" a women ,who is not interested, is move on and don't make a drama out of not having her.

 

Just my 2 cents ;)

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

Posted
Posted

She wants you to be her 'unboyfriend' meaning you take her out, spend money on her, stroke her ego, etc all without having to be your girlfriend in order to get that. Lots of guys get stuck in the friendzone thinking that 'wanting to hang out' = having a romantic chance. Unless you want to continue harboring false hope and wishful thinking, I'd just make myself incrementally scarce while looking for a girl who wants to be your girlfriend, not your 'friend'.

juliebijoux Member

juliebijoux

Posted
Posted

I know it must be hard to hear her honesty, but I think that you should take it at face value. I have been in that sort of situation, from the girl's side and I really wanted to like the guy, but I just didn't have that attraction, even though he was super-nice, dependable, smart, buff. It made me feel suffocated everytime that he called.

 

The problem was that everytime that I tried to break it off, he would call or come and visit. It ended when he decided to move on. Surprisingly, that made me sad!

 

I would say that the best thing that you can do now is to move on and work on building up your confidence:) You're never going to truly know what the girl was thinking, but what you can do is focus on your own life and your future dates. (I know this is hard to do, but it is good to try)

Phateless Established Member

Phateless

Posted
Posted
If you really like this girl, I would say to continue to spend time with her. Chemistry is something that can be instant or may need time to develop. Maybe if you spend more time together she will have a change of heart. If that doesn't happen, then at least you will have a new friend.

 

Worst possible thing you can do!!!!!!

 

You need to break contact for about a month, then re-present yourself in a more flirtatious manner. Next time, be a little bit more touchy (not in a creepy way.) You allowed yourself to get friend-zoned. If you play it differently next time, she may feel chemistry then.

 

If you continue to hang out with her now, you're sending the message that you're ok with friends.

Phateless Established Member

Phateless

Posted
Posted

The other thing you could try is distancing yourself, and when you're with her, flirt with other girls in front of her. Sometimes women want a little bit of a challenge, maybe a little competition. You're probably too available.

NuTuDating Established Member

NuTuDating

Posted
Posted

Ditch her. There are too many women out there (or men, works both ways) to chase after someone who isn't interested. Why waste your time?

Jilly Bean Established Member

Jilly Bean

Posted
Posted

I don't think it's in your interest to play games to win her back or try any method of "playing hard to get".

 

Chemistry is either there, or it isn't. It is NOT a reflection of your value or worth, keep in mind...

 

Unless you like her enough to keep her around as friend, I would cut her out of my life. If I went out with a guy 4 times, and he told me he didn't feel chemistry with me, I'd hose him. I have plenty of friends, thanks, and I wouldn't need to lower my self-esteem by hanging around a guy I like(d) who is now out chasing new tail.

Phateless Established Member

Phateless

Posted
Posted

If she kissed him, there's something there, but maybe not enough. At the very least, I'm hoping that in that month he'll meet someone better. If not, he now has enough distance to re approach the situation with a fresh and hopefully more objective mind.

compassion42 Established Member

compassion42

Posted
Posted

What's wrong with giving chemistry a chance to develop? He really likes this girl and she likes him enough to want to spend more time together,right? I think he should give this a little more time before cutting his losses and moving on.

Phateless Established Member

Phateless

Posted
Posted
What's wrong with giving chemistry a chance to develop? He really likes this girl and she likes him enough to want to spend more time together,right? I think he should give this a little more time before cutting his losses and moving on.

 

She told him outright that she doesn't feel chemistry and wants to be friends. Spending time with her right after her saying that sends the impression that he's ok with this arrangement. He's not. He's only going to be torturing himself this way.

 

You're identifying with the girl in this situation, not the poster. The girl would love to hang out with him under no obligation, and have the option to change her mind at any time. She's making him the bench warmer, putting him on the back burner. do you see that?

 

What you don't see is that this is torture for the guy - being strung along. Drinks and dinner SOUNDS like a date, but it's NOT. If he's not ok with being JUST FRIENDS, he should not hang out with her.

 

Everybody reading this thread should watch the move "Just Friends."

compassion42 Established Member

compassion42

Posted
Posted

You're right, I guess I am looking at it from a woman's perspective.

But I still don't see anything wrong with still being friends rather than just cutting all ties with her-but that's just me:)

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