Coping with my partners ex's and our different stages in life

[Starlight]

I'd like to know how to cope with this feeling I have about my partner's ex's. It's eating away at me and I really wish I knew how to solve it-I've really tried but I come back to the beginning every time and it's making me unhappy as I don't see an end. How do I cope with the man I love being in contact with 3 of his ex girlfriends? A few weeks ago he told me that he had been really in love with one of them and nearly asked her to marry him. It feels so painful. We had a big row earlier this year as he had kept a photo of one of them up in his house. This has gone now and he is sorry that he had kept it up knowing how unhappy it was making me. We spoke about my insecurity and I don't believe that I have the right to ask him to break contact with them-the compromise is that each time there's a contact he would say what me and him had been doing at weekends etc. to keep me in the loop. I thought that the best thing was to compromise and that if I was acting the way that I am (I'm 40) I'd be able to cope but its got so bad that each time his phone rings, or he gets a text I automatically think it's one of them.Even though he doesn't see them - 2 live abroad- it's really horrible and eats away at me inside. I've been like this before in 2 previous relationships. Once I lived with a man who I believed put his seperated wife on a pedastel and when he asked me to marry him he wasn't divorced and just wouldn't ask for one. She was in a committed relationship. It took me to move out for a few days for him to do this and I always thought that if he had really loved me and had wanted to be with me he would have wanted to do that and it wouldn't have taken a row to do it.

My ex-husband used to say that I was his 3rd choice when he first asked me out and for our first year he couldn't make up his mind how he felt about me-he used to push me away emotionally, didn't make me feel special and it was always me that pushed the relationship along. It was me that ended these relationships because the insecurity I felt ate away at the feelings I had.

I feel the same thing could happen again as my feelings are making me really unhappy. They are compounded by the fact that I really love my present partner and would love to marry again and have a family. I know that I can't have children for ever and it's something that I really want-he's not ready and I get scared that he never will be. We have talked about this and as we've only known each other around 6 months I can understand (we don't live together).But the nagging worry I have is will he ever be ready and am I hanging on to a dream and putting my needs second again. Also, I think its a reasonable assumption that he would stop his contact with these 3 ex's knowing how unhappy its making me and that's not an option for him. I know this because he's never suggested it, but if the boot was on the other foot I would. He's said that his feelinigs for me are deeper but I'm scared that because my insecurities won't go away, I'm going to push him away as it looks like I don't trust him. I just can't stand the thought of him being friends with 3 ex's who he had deep feelings for, had physical relationships with and who are still around in his life.

Please could someone help me get my head around all of this? Thank you.

[unluckyinlove2]

wow, that sounds so familiar. I am married to a man that has children with exes. I understand that he has to communicate with them for his children, but that doesnt mean he has to tell them what we do. One lives close but the other doesnt. The one that lives close knows more about what is going on than I do and that really hurts. I feel the same way you do, if he loves me he shouldnt have contact with the ex outside of what concerns their son.

[sally4sara]

I totally understand how his friendships are bothering you. You agree that you are insecure; it just stands to reason that opposite gender friendships will cause you to be distressed.

But he is open about his friendships and, like you said, at least two live far away. Unless he is secretive about them or lies to you about them, there really isn't more he should be expected to do about this. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but if you know its your problem, asking him to change isn't a real solution. It just allows your problem to continue at his detriment.

As I type this, the girl who broke my BF's heart the worst in his teens is sitting at our kitchen table studying. She will be staying with us for at least six weeks till her Asst teaching job is over. She is quite nice, interesting, single and attractive. I am okay with this as it means I have a new friend. They dated briefly after being friends for about a year over 10 years ago. He and I have a great relationship and I just figure that if she was still "the one" for him, he would still have been trying. He doesn't so whats the big deal?

My point is your guy probably did have big feelings for other women in his life, but their time has passed and a good friendship remained. He has stayed just friends with them before you and while with you. You have no reason to believe he is still wishing to be with them.

And that is why his actions are not the reason for your insecurity. You have just never believed you could be "the one" for anyone before. If he stopped talking to them, this would never change. It would just not bring your problem to the surface as much.

[Starlight]

Thank you so much to both of you for replying. It's really good to know that you understand. I would love to one day be able to be free of this insecurity and I agree that I didn't feel like 'the one' with those two previous relationships. I know that my self esteem could do with being higher and I guess that the best way to deal with this is for me to work on that.

 

In response to 'unlucky in love2' I understand also about relationships with ex's when there's kids. One of my previous partners had kids in their teens and I learned to cope with that by telling myself that my partner and his ex had to have contact. What I didn't like was when his ex wife's relationship interfered with our life.

 

Many thanks again