Respktfl1 Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Hello everyone!! This is my 1st post. I am excited to find this forum, and I really hope to gain some understanding, especially from women! I would like to explain my whole situation. But, before I do, I want to know what you all think "space" or "time" means versus what it means to be completely done. My gf of a 14 months tells me she doesn't want to break up or see other people, but she does want space for a while. BTW, this was 2 days ago, and I could couldn't ever imagine previously how much it kills me now! I want to give it to her, and I will!!! I am determined to show that I am listening, and I will respect her wishes, however hurtful they are to me. In the meantime, I don't want to look like a sucker or be too needy. Help me please!!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 She has made you an option, not a priority. Think of how much you love her. Would you tell her that you needed time and space? I don't think so. People don't need time and space to figure out how much they love you. They need time and space to figure out why they don't. That whole 'time and space' thing is a way of keeping you on the back burner while she goes out and looks for other options (they always deny it, but 99 times out of 100 there is someone else in the picture). It is a breakup that leaves the door open. The best thing to do when someone hands you a break is to hand them a solid firm breakup. They will have all the time in the world then, and you will save yourself a lot of heartbreak in the end. It will hurt, but not nearly as much as it will simmering on the back burner of someone who may or may not come back to you.
carhill Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Is her request consistent with her personality and behavior or did this hit you out of the blue and you're going "what the f...?"....? I'd call it an easy let down. What issues were you having?
eagle5 Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Welcome!! You are right to allow her some space if she's asked for it but what's your story? It might paint a clearer picture.
dfreeman Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 She has made you an option, not a priority. The best thing to do when someone hands you a break is to hand them a solid firm breakup. They will have all the time in the world then, and you will save yourself a lot of heartbreak in the end. It will hurt, but not nearly as much as it will simmering on the back burner of someone who may or may not come back to you. Yep...it may be really f'ing hard, but 99% of the time, this is the only way to handle this situation. I never let anybody put me on a break - it's a euphemism for, "Honey, I would like to put OUR relationship and YOUR entire life in limbo while I figure out what I am going to do with MY life". It's a total A$$-Job, and I never give anyone a chance to pull it on me. I broke up with a woman once for trying it on me and she later said that she almost crapped herself at the time (I had a new girlfriend a month later and never looked back at that one).
BudgieSmuggler Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I'm going to put a slightly different take on things... We don't know the circumstances surrounding the request for time and space- we'll assume that there's been something: a) Drastic happen in her life b) Drastic happen in your life c) Drastic happen in the relationship If this is the case, I would probably request time & space also - take it as an admission of vulnerability. Its basically saying 'Hey, when I'm around you, my feelings (being so strong) are clouding my ability to sit back and think rationally about this situation (whatever it may be), could you kindly let me have a little time, and a little space so that I can sort out the 1001 thoughts running through my head and come to my own conclusions, then we can sit down and discuss them?" That's the way I see it. But that's just my $0.02... Perhaps I have too much faith in humanity
justaman99 Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 If after dating for over a year you can't tell someone something that is going on within yourself and really talk to your partner about it something else is up. If i had a loss in the family or was feeling different I would open up about it. Not run and hide.
Author Respktfl1 Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Well, i just got off the phone with her. We spoke for an hour. I found out THE issue really affecting us. I have changed. I have realized it and it's quite depressing. January 07, she was a long lost acquaintence from high school that found me on myspace. She looked more beautiful than ever!! I ended up IMing her and we spoke for a bit. I finally got her out of her jammies and picked her up at her place to take her to a friend's party at this bar downtown. We hit it off quickly. At the time I was making well more than I ever had, lived on my own, went to the gym, and lived a great life! I lost the job in April........since then everything went downhill. I settled for one low paying job after another and even told her that by this time I would be looking for schools. I'm not there. Everything is looking up now, as I have gone through 2 very drawn-out interviews with that company I was working for with potential for even more rewards!!! Anyways, she tells me the issue has always been that she can't see being with someone like that...she wants the old me back. The one with confidence, independence, and one that can completely WOW her. Those are my words, not hers....but I know who I was, and I will soon be him again!!!!!!! We were civil mostly, no words thrown. We never agreed to no contact so even though she got snappy with me when calling her last night, I took a chance and did it anyways. I feel better knowing where we are and I respect that she was willing to come to an agreement. I'm pretty much on "evaluation" (also my words, which we laughed at). She wants to go out sometime again, but to be honest it will be hard. I will want to hold her hand and be like we were. She agrees. Today I went rollerblading where we used to a couple of times. As I looked over the river I was thinking about us and a lot about myself as well. I felt free. I felt that not contacting her all day was relieving. I really think we were both into eachother's business way too often. I wouldn't trade this girl in for the world (or the rest of the oil). She's been there for me as I have with her. She's my best friend. Now we'll have to get through the whole when and where deal..kinda like dating again, but we just need more time for ourselves. What's next? Action, and waiting.........
justaman99 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) Hmmmm. Don't force anything. Remember that guy you were before? The confident one? When you talk, and when you're together she needs to hear everything's going to be ok. Don't complain about anything or say this sucks, or that sucks, say that this is what you're going to do. Be confident about it. If you were more lively before you had these life challenges try and dig that out, make her laugh make her feel comfortable just by being that guy you were. I might recommend one thing and this has the potential to be huge. When you get the opportunity to be more serious about what's going on with you, tell her that life will always have challenges and setbacks. No matter how old and typical it sounds there are ups and there are downs. You can handle them and roll with em and learn from it. It's also how you deal with it that counts. This exudes confidence, wisdom, strength and understanding. It's how you two can handle that together. You will always support her through her life's challenges, and tell her you "need" the same not for lack of confidence but because you want to do this together. Edited March 6, 2008 by justaman99
frd150 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 It all sounds so familiar almost every bit of it. I got a time limit as to when we would be back together. I followed her program to the letter, well almost and that was over a year ago. She sited lot of the same things that your girl did but still nothing. The up side to all of this is that without all of this happening I would be the same person she left and she would continue to enable it. This was all a rather large wake up call that I needed and I embraced it. Well, maybe not at first but a bit down the road. Just be careful and do not put alot of stock in time frames. Remember that post reak up they still feel for you esp. given what you said about how you guys were and thus they use tactics (men or women) to let you down easy. I hope to heck Im wrong. I just want you to move forward with a bit more clarity than I had. I wish you luck, sincerely and I hope to read a positive post from you in second chances:).
vivrantflo Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Sorry, but whenever I hear of a woman giving that same weak line to a guy, it's usually the prelude to the ending. If I ever heard those words from a woman, I'd just end it.. cause once the thought of breaking up enters her mind, it never leaves.. It's not "time and space" vs "breaking up" ... those two are actually in bed with each other.. I hope for nothing less than the best for you, but im only going by experience.. once those words are spoken.. it's only a matter of time before it's done for good. Oh, and LucreziaBorgia is 100% correct.. when a woman says she needs time and space... there's a very very high chance that there's another dude in the mix.. Just be very very careful..
Author Respktfl1 Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 You know, I'm glad that you all are putting it to me this way. I really want to believe her but truth of the matter is I have caught her in fabricating things just to put me at ease....such as going out with friends, when she said specifically she would be out with one individual and then making up something about this guy that likes her being there with his girlfriend. In questioning it, she said "well, I dont know what they are"...she even looked on his myspace and gave me a name of one of his top 8. Then, upon thinking on it further......she also said that she just stayed home yesterday and read a book, but dont women usually get right up and do things in these situatuations to make theirselves feel better? Like go out, shop, or otherwise? It wouldnt really seem like her to bask in her lonesome when she enters a problem. She would need some stimulus. I know you all hope that you're wrong in saying all that you're telling me, but would a woman ever just be frank with me and skip the whole "easy let down"?? As I have known her for so long, I would hope that she would able to tell me straight up....she has already blindsided me and hurt me. I wake up every morning with this pain in my stomach like I could puke at any minute. I have to admit that talking to her last night helped calm me. I woke up in the middle of the night (odd) and I couldnt help but run the convo back over in my head. It seems that when I was acting less upset and more calm she had more to say. Not to mention I could hear typing in the background about every 2 minutes or so. I want to know the truth, even if it hurts me. I want to believe her, but she has been feeding me lines to aviod conflict. I deserve the truth, don't I? I realize I may never get it, unless she has been already telling me. That may be too hard for her. She said that she would still like to see me. Is it normal for a woman to say that in this situation?
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 She said that she would still like to see me. Is it normal for a woman to say that in this situation? Sometimes it is truthful, other times it is meant to be placating. It could be that she has a shred or two of feelings leftover for you that she wants to still be able to indulge before she is 100% done with the relationship. I wouldn't put too much hope into it. You'd be grasping the last 2 or 3% of what is already on the way out.
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