Need ...Messed Up...Heartbroken

[saskradio]

I never really thought I would resort to posting about my situation on an internet site. Not that I have anything against them, I always just figured I was strong enough to handle situations on my own. I guess there is a first time for everything.

 

I will try to keep this as short as humanly possible.

 

I started dating a girl last January. I work with her, I was a producer at a radio station and she was/is the receptionist. I am 22 and she is 24. I'm more mature then your typical 22 year old, I grew up in the most famous, well known family in the city we live in, very political, father a media mogul, mother deep into the political scene. I was forced to grow up quicker then most young men.

 

I never was big into relationships my whole life, had girlfriends here and there, some broke up with me, many i broke up with. Nothing I never got over in more then 2 or 3 days. She had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship with her ex-fiance. They ended things mutually when both of them discovered they were not right for each other. She had a quick rebound that ended after 2 weeks. We started dating, and neither of us were open at the beggining due to the reasons mentioned above. It took us over a month until we were both, to use a dumb word, smitten towards each other. We were a couple all through most of 2007. We had disagreements, just like all couples, but we both love each other soo much.

 

As I said earlier, I was a producer at the radio stations that my father owns, and I had this job for 2 years. In September of 07 we decided to change one of our radio stations to a youthful, rock format. We hired a new guy to run it, and as soon as he met me, out of the blue he decides he wants ME to be a DJ on this new station. It was the job I had been dreaming of. and I was soo excited, scared, and more. He wanted me on the evening show since I was so young. I took the job. Making my 9-5 job, a 6-midnight job.

 

We had always gone to work together, left together, usually went for lunch together. This turned everything upside down, I would go from seeing her almost everyday, to seeing her some nights at 12 if she wanted to stay up that late, and weekends. This scared me to death.

 

At the EXACT same time, something I had seen coming for a long time finally happened. My parents decided to get a divorce. I still lived/live at home and this also tossed my world upside down. I was going to be moving out with my father.

 

We had a few fights around this time and my head was just a complete mess. Then one night there was a larger then normal fight and I didn't speak to her for 4 days. I had completely been thrown for a loop mentally. My normal world was all of a sudden a ****storm of bad stuff, as well as good stuff like getting the new job, all of which was clouding my mind and my heart more then I had ever felt in my life.

 

She is my first love as well, I had many emotional firsts with her, and sometimes I didn't know what I was feeling, but it was all love.

 

Like a moron, i broke up with her towards the end of October 07. At the time I thought it was for the best. I let my head get in the way of my heart. And I completely broke her heart. I felt bad, but I didn't feel much at the time since my whole system was numb from all the stuff I was going through at the time.

 

She was heartbroken...she wanted us to still hang out, and still have sex as well from time to time. We see each other at work so we were forced to see each other on occasion.

 

We were still very close during this time, hung out at work, she came to visit me during my all night show. She was convinced we were going to get back together, and although I was too thick-headed and confused to admit it, I knew deep down we would as well.

 

Time passed like this, I was still a mental mess. Then in early Janurary I got ANOTHER promotion. I would still do my evening show, but I would end at 10 because they wanted me to be the Music Director at this new station, since I showed a lot of enthusium and I knew the music better then most of our DJ's. My new hours would be 3pm-10pm, with a break in the middle at around 5. I got an office again and I would be seeing her at work everyday again.

 

We never got back together when this happened because I was still so confused mentally and didnt know what I wanted.

 

Then on January 16th, my father and I decided to take a holiday. Went to Mexico for 2 weeks. I saw her the night before we left and she cried when she knew I would be leaving for two weeks...I thought to myself "why is she crying, we've been broken up for almost 3 months". This hit me hard and I couldnt stop thinking about it on the airplane down there. The ENTIRE time we were in Mexico I coulnt stop thinking about her. Being down there cleared up EVERYTHING. I finally realized how much she ment to me, how much I screwed up, and the mistake I made. I used work and family issues to skew my judgement, and I threw away the best thing in my life.

 

When I got home I knew I wanted to get back together and so did she. I went about it wrong though and still let my pride get in the way.

 

Then all of a sudden she starts seeing some new guy...I was beyond devistated...I broke down, I spent so long figuring out the right way to go about this, that I took too long.

 

This guy is wrong for her though, hes 19, shes 24, they met at some rave party and he has the same name as me!!

 

I finally broke down and poured my heart out to her. Told her all the stuff I was feeling, all the stuff that was buried under soo much confusion and bull**** for 3 months. And she thought about it and decided she wants to be with him now, and that it's not the right time.

 

She still says she loves me, and I can see it! Everyone we know says she still has feelings for me. She likes to party with this guy and that's it! She told me all the time that I was the most loving, caring, boyfriend she ever had.

 

We work together so we see each other everyday again. It was awkward for the last couple weeks because I was a complete wreck. I stopped eating, lost like 15 pounds (and im already a slim guy), stopped shaving, and was just a completely broken man. I still am.

 

Some people tell me to give her space, to shape up and instead of begging and trying to win her back, to just become the happy funny person that I am deep inside. Others tell me that if I truely love someone that much, then I should stop at nothing to try to get her back. I'm torn, and it hurts SOO much either way.

 

I just don't know what too do, I just can't see her new relationship lasting. We didnt break up correctly, nothing about our situation is normal. I don't hate her, I love her, and she doesn't hate me either. Our familys love each other, everything fits.

 

I need to know what to do! I read tips all the time but none ever seem to apply to my situation directly, that is why I am posting this here.

 

She says she still has feelings for me, but also has feelings for this NEW me. She is scared I am going to break her heart again. But i know i wont! I finally see things clearly now, I need her at my side. Everyone wants me to go out and be this big radio playboy, which I thought I once wanted, but I don't...Even in the ENTIRE time were were apart, i was never with another girl, i never wanted to be...and I should have taken that as a sign. Girls love me, but I feel nothing towards ANY of them, I go to the bar with friends and I feel numb, girls hit on me and im like a zombie. ALL I want is her, and I KNOW there is something there, I just know it! I was the love of her life, and I know I can be the love of her life again.

 

Please give me some advice, I need something, anything!

[BrianG]

I thought the same thing because I have handled break-ups in the past with people I have loved and had no need to come to any site or anybody for that matter. But here I am because of a heartbreak 4 months ago. Hard to explain matters of the heart because it only takes one major hit to the heart or I guess better yet I should say one to break your heart like no other. My advice, you broke her heart, now she has found another, nothing you can do.

 

Hate to be harsh, but that is the consequence of your actions or indecision. You expressed to her how you felt and that you made a mistake. Now the decision is up to her. I know how you feel, trust me I have written in my journal a lot about her being the only one I/you want. I am in a sociable position and I run into a lot of females and four months later I still haven't found someone to peak my interests so to speak. I am not saying this is what will happen to you because we are all unique in this world.

 

Its going to to take time. Just relax, dont focus on the opposite sex. Focus your attention eslewhere, and that part of your life will eventually fall into place. I am older then you and in my experience when it comes to love and relationships it will happen when you least expect it. When I went out comparing/expecting to meet someone that was interesting it never happened the way I wanted. When I went out and had a good time just living life, I eventually met someone and we cliched.

 

Just do your thing. If you talk to her dont talk about the relationship. Besides that do NC (no contact) if she wants something with you she will call. If not, oh well, you have the rest of your life to look forward too.

Edited March 5, 2008 by BrianG

[saskradio]

The thing is, this situation is so not normal...

 

Today for example, I came to work finally cleaned up. I had a smile on, trying to look at all the good things in life instead of dwelling on the stuff that makes me sad. We talked yesterday after work and I told her how I felt one last time. I didn't cry, didn't beg, didn't plead. I just told her that I was so sorry for what I did, and that at the end of the day all I want her to be is happy, and as much as I love her, I respect her. I carried myself differently this time.

 

So this morning when I get in, I don't go by the front like I always do just so I have an excuse to say hi, I went through the back door and went straight to my desk. It was lunchtime, and all of a sudden she is at my desk!!!! She had a quick lunch obviously and she had 30 mins before she had to be back out front. Instead of saying hi, talking for a sec, and leaving...She hopped up onto the counter next to me desk and stayed there the WHOLE TIME!

 

That is what is tearing me up about this...I can see it in her eyes and the way she still looks at me. This guy she is dating now is fun to party with on the weekends. But she misses the love that I had/have for her. I can tell. She misses the fact that I would do ANYTHING for her, and I dont mean material crap either. Money has never been an issue with me my whole life, and it has allowed me to see that material stuff is just that, material. It means nothing. I would go out of my way for her all the time, and she knows it.

 

No one can see this thing shes in now lasting very long. Everyone seems to think it's just an odd version of a rebound.

 

I just don't know how to take this, I don't think she is trying to make me pay for what I did, because she's not like that, but even if that is the case, i completely 100% deserve it for what I did.

 

I have changed the way i am going about this, i've said all I have to say to her...im just going to be the pleasant, nice, funny guy that she fell in love with. I'm not going to try so hard. I just don't know if I should hold onto hope...I feel as if i should.

[Max Overclock]

I think you're doing about as good as you can. Continue being non-chalant, continue on being "just another happy co-worker" to her.

 

You've said what you needed to say. The ball is very much in her court. Now there's just one more thing you need to do...

 

Carry on with your life without her. Even if it feels awkward and fake, it's important that you move on with trying to find someone to care for in your life.

 

Yes, "she" may come back eventually. In that kind of situation, you'd have to make up your mind what to do if that does occur.

 

However (and take this from one who knows) she may well not come back. As such, you're going to need to truly look with open eyes for another great girl for yourself. I know, when you are so connected with another girl, it's even hard to see beautiful women (that other guys would kill to get) as desirable. Scary, isn't it. LOL! I've been there

 

Thankfully, though, time is a healer, and if you approach this current girl merely as a good friend (the platonic one that she is right now), and look for another, things will look up. There will be other great girls come along. I learned this all too well, when one particular girl that I fell madly in love with a few years ago, chose not to feel the same way.

 

Keep active, busy, positive, and hold your head high. Be confident, funny, and fun. All will fall into place, one way or the other.

 

All the best,

 

Max

[saskradio]

Well today is another day, and a very similar thing happened...

 

I can't tell if working with this person is a blessing or a curse in this situation. Unfortunatly NC is, for the most part, out of the question in my case.

 

I came to work today looking and feeling great! Heart still hurts like hell, but I just had that aura that you get...dressed well, hair looks good, new sneakers (i'm 21 and work in radio...i dont wear loafers haha), got my eyebrow pierced a few days ago, it suits me perfectly. Just generally felt good about how I was carrying myself today.

 

Went through the back door again, avoiding the reception desk...and then BAM, within 10 mins there she is again, at my desk for her 15 min break.

 

I held it together like a champion, didn't talk about the relationship, didn't talk about her brand new guy, I even threw in a few uppers in her direction (she said she was tired and some girl out front commented on her having bags under her eyes, and she was all embarassed...i looked at her dead in her eyes and told her they looked beautiful.)

 

The thing I am having the hardest time with is I don't know what to do here. Deep down I want to bring up getting back together EVERYTIME we talk (like I did for the last two weeks), but I know that is a bad idea.

 

This is going to continue, I know it...It's going to happen every, single day. This is a girl I cannot possibly be friends with, I need her back, or I can't be around her...plain and simple...But I don't feel like telling her to leave me alone is going to help my case at all, it will probably hurt it.

 

How should I handle this? How long should I wait before I bring up relationship stuff again? We had a good 2 or 3 times today during our convo were we had the old "eye lock" for a second or two...It was just how I remembered it.

[saskradio]

Well...I have a semi-final update.

 

I tried through this week to be friends with her. Figured that was what would get me closer to her like I wanted. But I found that It just isn't possible. Around work she acts like my best friend, always hanging out with me, flirting CONSTANTLY! I couldn't handle it. She very timidly asked me for a ride home today...and im not a jerk so of course i said yes. And on the way there I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I went in her house with her and just layed it out one final time.

 

Asked her about the relationship she is in now, she says she does really like him...she still loves me...but at this moment, she wants to pursue this. I kinda broke down, but I told her I respected it. I told her I thought she was making a mistake. She said she doesn't know, but that she doesn't want to get back with me right now, since I broke up with her before and broke her heart, she would always think "what could have happened with this new guy". I guarentee if she was still single she would be back, but that is neither here nor there at this point in time.

 

The hardest part for me was the end...I told her that there was no way I could be friends with her right now. I told her I would not be her "work boyfriend"...the cute guy she is attached too around the office...since it would kill me. She didn't understand at first, but she got it eventually. She said "well we were still best friends when you broke up with me" I told her it couldnt be more different now, since she is with someone else, I am not going to be her friend around work, and then drive her home to go be with her new BF.

 

 

I still think her relationship isn't going to work out. But i'm not going to count on it anymore. I know it's best to finally move on. We are still going to be working together, but we will only speak when it is work related (at least that is my plan...she says "if that's how you feel for now"...im thinking...no..not a week from now...until my heart stops hurting, then we may be able to be more then just co-workers, but that won't be for a while). It's maddening to know that if she wasn't feeling this new guy so much, that she would be back with me in 2 seconds. Oh well, I guess you reap what you sew right?

 

 

But this is the hardest thing i've ever experienced in my life!! Telling the love of my life that I can't even talk to her at work anymore because of what it will do to me. She looked so hurt...But I just don't know if there is any other option.

 

I'm heading to a work party tomorrow night (FYI: shes not going to be there)and im going with a new girl (not as a "date", just as my guest, but she does like me...even though we just started hanging out), I just want to be able to have fun but I fear all I will do is think about her the whole time. I've never been through anything like this before.

 

Please, any tips on how to get over her...how to enjoy my nights out with other women....anything!

 

I just wish there was a pill I could take to make this feeling end.

[vivrantflo]

You know what, I really don't think this situation is completely lost... You just have to play this right.

 

No, there's nothing you can do to bring her back, however, you can put yourself in a position where you look more attractive.

 

No more rides home.

No more chilling on breaks.

No communication outside of work.

 

She's not your woman anymore, so treat her like that! Let her really feel what it's like to not have you around emotionally..

 

You broke her heart... so what do most people do when they have a broken heart?? They go out and have fun! Which is why she's hanging around a 19 year old.. I dont think it will last and neither do you.. this is why you have to play it cool.

 

Move on with your life...moving on doesn't mean stop loving her.. just date other women and concentrate on your new job! There's no guarantee she'll come back, but I think there's a bigger chance than normal that she will.

 

The more you talk to her, and hang out with her.. you're killing your chances.. don't make her transition from you to him be easy...vanish from her life emotionally, and only talk to her at work about work related issues.. that's it..

 

Keep posting

[Max Overclock]

Vivrant's got it nailed down!

 

Listen to him.

 

 

Max

[saskradio]

Thanks for all the tips guys. It's a slow night at work here so I figured I would toss out another update to this odd saga. It's weird, even just writing stuff down like this (typing..whatever) is thereputic, anyone else notice this? I'm definatly a big fan of this site.

 

Anyhoo, that party i said I was going to? WOW did that turn out to be a gong show of epic proportions. She said she wasn't going to it and i was pumped. Going to hang out with my work friends, minus her, and I was taking a new girl too. Well, my ex gets a couple extra tickets that day and decides she is going to go! ...I swear to god.

 

I was almost debating not going, but then my boss is like screw it man, this is a party for OUR radio station, you are coming. I told my ex just in passing that I don't want it to be awkward, and I want to do the NC thing, so since there was going to be over 1000 people there, there was no reason we had to speak at the party. So the party starts, I get there with my friends and I'm having a blast, I was also drinking for my first time in a while (alcohol i learned is not a good thing for me when going through something like this, makes me feel even worse, but my boss made me haha, unfortunatly when you work in radio, drinking too much is alomst a requirement). Anyways she gets there and I am not even noticing her really. She was near me, but she respected me and didn't talk to me. Well, the drinks keep flowing and I go upstairs for a smoke, and she happens to be on her way down, and she was drunk. SHE HAD TO TALK TO ME!! acting all irrational about me not wanting to be friends with her and such. I was blitzed by this time as well, and some stuff went down. We got in a huge fight, i made her cry. It was bad, my boss ended up having to split us up.

 

I felt horrible the next day, but I was soo angry too. I don't see why she couldn't just respect my wishes. My boss told me the next day that I fell into a trap, he was right.

 

We didn't speak all weekend, I was hurt though because I didn't want it to end that way, on such a negitive note. She called me on Monday when I was at work and we got to have a final talk. It was good, we both agreed that we made mistakes that night and to forget it ever happened. I told her at the end of the convo (and this is important) that I HAD to be left alone now. I know we work together but all i can handle is if she has a phone message for me or something (she's the receptionist remember) but no more then that...nothing...zip. She understood.

 

This was on the 10th. I had a FANTASTIC week last week. Unfortunatly she was sick the whole time. A bad throat infection that lasted all week. Maybe a blessing in disguise since I never had to worry about bumping into her at work, which was sweet. Anyways, one of her other jobs around here is to film my little sisters "blog", she does this once a week, for the company website. But my ex wasn't here this week, so the guy in charge asked me if I would do it, since its my sis. I said sure and did it on thursday the 13th. The next day I am at home, hanging out around 12 noon, watching tv and getting ready to go work. My phone rings, i look at the caller id and ITS HER! I'm thinking what the hell girl, you agreed 4 days ago to leave me be. I figured it might be an emergency so I answered it....she was calling to say thank you for filming the blog....seriously....she then proceeded to talk about how sick she is, etc. I was polite and then i told her to get better, and hung up. I sat there for a bit, very surprised. Why would she feel the need to break NC just to tell me that? Either she still has feelings for me, or she just cannot seem to wrap her pretty little head around this whole concept. Either way I was kinda annoyed.

 

The weekend goes by nicely, my birthday is st. pattys day so it was a hell of a party weekend as you can probably imagine. Monday comes around and I assume she is going to be back at work, and sure enough, she was.

 

I expected a happy bday wish from her, which i got, she stuck her head in the office and said happy birthday...okay no harm in that. Didn't see her all day. She got off at 5pm, I was walking to my office at around 505 and she snuck up behind me! shes like "I was looking for you!., hows it going...blah blah..." I was annoyed again, shes telling me that I look cute in a new jacket i was wearing, telling me more about how sick she was, asking me about my plans for the night, etc. Man this was getting on my last nerve! but im not a jerk, i didn't want to be like hey, buzz off!! Why is she doing this?

 

That's where I'm at now. She has been officially dating mr 19 years old for about 3 weeks now...there has been bad stuff happening though, she seems to love him (infatuation obviously) but shes making mistakes. Takes a week off work because she is sick, then on saturday night there are pics posted on facebook of her partying, drinking, doing drugs til like 5am. Tons of people at work saw em and are thinking bad things about her now. This is a different girl.

 

Anyways, i have my good and bad days. I'm getting better fast though, the tips from you guys rock.

 

What do you think the deal is with her not being able to leave me alone, calling me for no reason, when she is supposidly in a "perfect" relationship??

 

Stuff is confusing.

 

Until next time!

[Habibti]

Plain and simple. She IS in the perfect relationship! She has mr. party go lucky and then she has her sweet lovely (uhm,ex) boyfriend. It's called having her cake and eating it too. I applaud you for initiating NC and trying to hold that end of the bargain yourself, she on the other hand went into panic mood. See, girls aren't stupid- they know when they've got you wrapped around their finger. You say she isn't the type to use this guy against you to get you back for all the pain you caused her, how do you know she isn't the type? Nobody is perfect, we are all human beings and we all come equipped with defense mechanisms especially when it comes to matters of our hearts!

 

 

 

She is scared as hell of you moving on. She flaunts the perfect boyfriend bla bla bla but deep down she is scared as hell of losing you, and when you begin to show signs of moving forward with your life- that's when she panicked and pulled out all the stops. That being said, maybe she is a child? In order for you two to get back together she's going to have to get over that you hurt her and take a risk, something that you might be able to manipulate her into doing but do you really want too? Or would you rather she do the sincere thing? Continue moving forward with your life, don't wait for her because she may love you still and I do believe she does from the sounds of things but love isn't always enough. There are certain practical and realistic truths that must be present in order for love to work between two people.

[LuCidiTy]

"She's not your woman anymore, so treat her like that! " Exactly.

 

Let her really feel what it's like to not have you around and at the same time regain your own strength and independence.

 

someone told me the other day that when two people are meant to be together nothing can keep them apart. i almost screamed though because the opposite also holds true and mostly we just don't KNOW.

[constantlytorn]

I have been watching your situation since the beginning and here's what I think........

She wants you to want her. Sure she's in a new relationship and having a blast (so she says), but as far as all that goes, she wants you to long for her. She wants to see what lengths you'll go to in order to get her back. I believe she has every intention of letting this new flame run it's course and then going back to the person that makes her happy. I've been there before (in her position). She's not sure she can trust you, but she WANTS TO. She has an attachment to you that won't go away, and that's why she feels the need to talk to you. Just hearing your voice and seeing how you look at her gives her a satisfaction you may not understand. Knowing that you still love her and still want her makes her life that much easier, though it makes yours that much harder. That's why it's hard for her to deal without you. Whether she says it or not, she understands where you're coming from with the no contact thing, she just doesnt WANT to understand. She needs contact with you to feel like her life isn't totally out of control. You're like her safety zone. She still loves you and still wants you, she just doesn't have the (forgive me for lack of better terms) balls to give it another shot yet. The less satisfaction you give her, the more she'll think about what she's missing. Don't be vindictive, and don't avoid contact with her just to MAKE her think about you. Do what you have to do for YOU, and the rest will fall into place. It will work out for the best, no matter what happens. You just have to believe that, and you'll be ok.

[saskradio]

You guys are so correct. It's nice to have some female opinions here as well, helps put some stuff in perspective. Thanks for the replys guys/girls!

 

You're definatly right. I know I said in an old post that I don't think she is a person who would try to get me back for what I did...you know, I was probably wrong. It's probably a subconcious thing, but I am sure some part of this is giving her satisfaction, knowing that I am feeling now like she was feeling for 3 months. At least to an extent, since we were still hooking up and such for those three months, there was never another girl. So what i'm feeling definatly has a strong jealousy component to it as well.

 

I am getting my life together, slowly but surely. The thing about this situation that drives me crazy though is that there is no REAL closure. I've always been complimented on my ability to get over stuff, whether its work related, family related, or (at least in times past) related to relationships (that sounded redundant). A sick part of me almost wishes this was one of those messy, "screw you i hate you i never want to see you again" type of situations. At least then I could be 100% sure about what was/is happening, and I could completely focus on moving on.

 

This is just frustrating since, again, I think that everything is settled. Then she calls me a few days later and boom, I have thoughts pushed to the forefront my mind, which were just starting to get pushed back.

 

You should have seen it today, more of the same. She came to give me a phone message, which was fine. Then in the afternoon I was heading downstairs to my office, and she comes to the stairs and is like "one of your fans is here to see you"...i asked who...she said it was "blair"....blair is a borderline stalker, just FYI. I was like helll no, tell him i'm not here and take a message or something. Instead of doing that, she starts giggling and grabs my hand! She then proceeds to almost drag me out to the reception desk, giggling like crazy. I talked to blair and told him I was in a hurry so he left. 30 mins later, she comes to my desk! why?? to make sure i wasn't mad at her for dragging me out front like that.

 

Sometimes guys....i swear to god...this would be funny as hell if i didn't care for her so much.

 

It would be easier too if she told me straight up that she lost feelings, but she hasn't. She has just developed new feelings for someone else, and mine have been pushed to the back, due to obvious reasons.

 

I think the one thing i'm most scared of is actually getting over her, and then she splits with the "19 year old with the same name" sometime later. I don't want to NOT care...but it seems like in order for me to be ME again, that is what I have to do.

[saskradio]

Alrighty, I need a little bit of advice.

 

It appears as if i have to make some sort of a decision here. Hopefully you have gotten a good idea of her personality thus far, and can use that to help me figure out what to do.

 

Basicially, there was another "run-in" yesterday, but this one was a little different. I saw her around work, didn't really say much, she surprisingly also didn't say a whole lot either, just waved at me and smiled. I had noticed that her facebook status said that she was "very sad today".

 

So i'm running around work like crazy, often with another (new) co-worker, a young girl who seems to really like me, i don't really feel much towards her though...but I digress.

 

We close at 5, my ex closes and locks the front door at exactly that time, and she always leaves at that time as well. I was doin some dj stuff purposely from 4:45 to 5:30, just so I didn't risk running into her. So I get out of the studio, go to my desk for a few mins before my show starts, and you're not going to believe this. SHE SHOWS UP AT MY DESK...almost 45 mins after closing time, she never ever ever stays longer then she has too. I was in absolute shock.

 

She talked about a few things, but it was really personal stuff, stuff we used to talk about. The reason she was sad is because her aunt died the night before (whom i knew well, and got along with very well), and she mentioned that her cell phone bill was way bigger then it should have been, and that she cannot seem to get out of debt (ironic since I was the person who would always help her financially too, whenever she was in need). She then proceeds to say that she has to work at her second job this weekend so she can't go home (her family lives outa town) for easter, and she is going to be "all alone" for the long weekend.

 

So i'm thinking...you waited around for 45 mins to tell me this!? Still knowing that this was the kind of stuff i cannot have happen, in order for me to get over this.

 

So i've come to the conclusion that I need to get myself somewhere different mentally, I think i'm making strides in the right direction, but I have work to do.

 

Here is my question, I realize now that this simply is not going to change. Period. I have told her that I need to be left alone, but she just cannot seem to do that. So how do I deal with this? I am trying to be out of her life emotionally, but half the stuff she talks to me about is personal stuff. Do I just keep talking to her when she talks to me? Should I ignore her?

 

Keep in mind too, at this moment in time, I would take her back in a second. And I have come to the conclusion that, at the end of the day, I either have to be back together with her or I have to be out of her life (except professionally). I don't want to be giving her the wrong impression by talking to her when she approaches me, I dont want her to start thinking of me as "just a friend". I want her to forgive me, and take me back, which is what I think she wants too, deep down. I mean, hell, if everything was so perfect with the new guy (by the way, everyone i work with thinks he's ugly...i know that is immature for me to bring up...but i laughed), then why would she even need to talk to me? Shouldn't she be getting what she needs from him? But I dunno, when you wait 45 mins after work to tell me that your aunt died and that you are going to be lonely on the weekend...what does that say?

 

Thoughts?

[Freddy]

If you really care for her and want to be there as a friend or not you should definitely see if you guys can hang out a little this weekend. The only reason why I say this is to see if she's giving a friendly or loving attention.

 

I myself could not distinguish the 2 but maybe you can. With that information you will know if this is going work out in your favor or not. Most situations do not work out cause the damage is already done.

 

Good luck.

[saskradio]

Oh I know completely what kind of attention it is. We have been discussing that a bit throughout this thread, and shes actually told me. Basicially, if she wasn't in another relationship right now, she would come back to me. Plain and simple. And at this point, I think it's only a matter of time before that happens. I just don't know how long I am willing to wait. Again, if she met some perfect guy, then awesome. But she is 24 years old, dating a 19 year old guy who she met at some rave party. Not to mention the fact that when I was with her, she would never give a crap about what her ex's were doing, she didn't care about being friends with them. Whereas she seems to crave attention from me right now, to the point where even if I tell her that I can't be friends and have to go NC, it goes in one ear and out of the other and she respects my wishes for like...a day...two maybe.

 

Again, I guess my question is should I still hold onto hope in the back of my mind? Because like i said, she hasn't lost all feelings for me, not by a longshot...and based on what the ladies said above^^^, she is bound to come to back at some point. AND how do I go about these convos that seem to be destined to happen almost every work day? Do I just try to act semi-interested, but make it seem like i really don't care, I would if I was dating you, but I don't right now?

 

Oh and I don't think calling her this weekend to hang out would be a good idea. I've done well with NC (at least my part, as in, for almost two weeks I have never contacted her, phone, at work, nothing, all of it has been her) I have gained some of my self confidence back, which i lost when I was begging and pleading a month ago. And as much as I know it won't last, she DOES have a boyfriend right now. I think by calling her this weekend after the progress i've made would be a step back. Am I right?

[Freddy]

I disagree, NC is about moving on and getting yourself to the right place and state of mind, NC is not used to get somebody back. Take it from me, the more time you spend away the more time she will be getting over you.

 

I do want you to succeed where everyone has usually failed. Shower her your worth it is the only thing you got going, so it's up to you.

[pr-girl]

I am getting my life together, slowly but surely. The thing about this situation that drives me crazy though is that there is no REAL closure. I've always been complimented on my ability to get over stuff, whether its work related, family related, or (at least in times past) related to relationships (that sounded redundant). A sick part of me almost wishes this was one of those messy, "screw you i hate you i never want to see you again" type of situations. At least then I could be 100% sure about what was/is happening, and I could completely focus on moving on.

 

It would be easier too if she told me straight up that she lost feelings, but she hasn't. She has just developed new feelings for someone else, and mine have been pushed to the back, due to obvious reasons.

 

I think the one thing i'm most scared of is actually getting over her, and then she splits with the "19 year old with the same name" sometime later. I don't want to NOT care...but it seems like in order for me to be ME again, that is what I have to do.

 

I can TOTALLY relate with your feeling of "lack of closure." But, I don't think you can ever fully feel closure while you're still friends, especially working together.

 

My ex and I broke up about a month ago and I still reach out to him once in awhile by texting hello, but I don't think I'll ever get over him if we remain in contact. He broke up with me because he cannot open his heart fully to someone living in another state. I have to understand it has nothing to do with me, just the distance. But, I can't help but feel rejected.

 

I, too, wish I could just HATE him, but neither one of us did anything wrong. We're just too far away from each other (me in NV and him in CA.) I seriously agree with you that it would be much easier to move on when you KNOW they don't want you at all. It may hurt more, but it would force us to move forward.

 

I will say this: If my ex came back to me, I'd be a bit weary to jump back into it. I would eventually take him back, but I would need him to prove that he won't break my heart again. We always run into the risk of having our hearts broken, but after it's been done once, it's tough to trust again.

 

You're afraid if you move forward, you will get over her and then she will want you back. I hear ya. BUT, don't you think if that happened, it really wasn't meant to be? I mean, if you get over her, then she really wasn't meant for you, right?

[saskradio]

@ Freddy

 

I do understand where you are coming from in this case. I think my situation may just be slightly different. Simply because a few weeks back (actually almost a month) I layed my cards on the line for her. I tried SO hard to get her back, and in this case I think that may have been the wrong thing to do. Vivrant posted on the first page of this thread, and I think he was correct, at least for my particular case. I am not one of those people who activily tries to "steal" a girlfriend back, who is officially dating someone else at the moment. I am just not that kind of person, I respect her and don't want to make her life hell, or screw up my future chances. I have been following Vivrant's advice and it has been working a little bit. Since I stopped hanging out with her at work all day, stopped driving her home, and stopped going for lunch with her...she seems to be the one who is going out of her way to see me WHENEVER she can.

 

Again, the situation is so transparent its almost funny, she won't leave me alone even when I ask her to. Yet when she talks to me, its always about really personal stuff, and im thinking man...cant you talk to your BOYFRIEND about this stuff?? Isn't that the point of a boyfriend?

 

@ pr-girl

 

I know what you mean about trust, and it being difficult to to trust someone again who broke your heart. I think in my case, time will heal. Like I said earlier, I layed it on the line for her, told her that I wouldn't do what I did again, and she WANTS to come back, had I literally told her that one week before I did...seven little days...I guarantee you that I would have never created this thread.

 

Trust was one of the biggest things in our relationship. We were loyal, trustworthy, there was no abuse, thats why she loved me so much, emotionally we were perfect. I just screwed up in the fall when I broke up with her, let my work issues, and family issues break me down for a time period, and I let her go.

 

Something tells me time is going to be the full healer in this case. And I don't think it is a smart idea for me to activily try to break up her relationship and get her to come back. I believe Vivrant is right, I need to get my life together, gain my self confidence back, and she will notice this and slowly but surely start getting feelings for me back. I mean, its already happening a bit.

 

The only thing i'm having trouble with is dealing with her every day. She is most likely going to try to have one of those convos with me every day. Do I just act non-interested? Should I just listen to her and not contribute anything? Or should I tell her to leave me alone?

[vivrantflo]

@Again, the situation is so transparent its almost funny, she won't leave me alone even when I ask her to. Yet when she talks to me, its always about really personal stuff, and im thinking man...cant you talk to your BOYFRIEND about this stuff?? Isn't that the point of a boyfriend??

 

Dude, she's using you as an emotional crutch. She can't talk to a 19 year old about her real issues.. you know her inside and out, so she comes to you. YOU, have to put an end to it, cause she's NOT your woman anymore..she has a boyfriend.

 

 

 

The only thing i'm having trouble with is dealing with her every day. She is most likely going to try to have one of those convos with me every day. Do I just act non-interested? Should I just listen to her and not contribute anything? Or should I tell her to leave me alone?

 

I can only imagine how hard it is to work with her.. but you have to put your foot down here. Cause I don't think you are. You have to tell her, to leave you alone. You're not ready to talk.. and mean it.

 

She obviously doesn't take you seriously, cause she keeps approaching you. This was HER decision for her to be with someone else. So tell her to live with that. Stop talking to her, cause all she's going to do is confuse you, fill your head with crap, and give you mixed signals so you can stay attached.. and it's working. Cut her off! Don't be scared to lose her!! She's not all that scared of losing you since she's sleeping with a teenager!

 

Take control of this situation. Don't be mean, but be very firm. Offer your condolences, and then tell her to leave you alone. You're not interested in hanging out with other dude's girlfriends.

 

I'm totally on your side here bro.. but this needs to be hammered into you. I STILL think she'll come back to you, but put yourself into a position that's best for you... which is..

 

NC.. try your best to slowly detach from her.. Move on with your life, and establish yourself.. which is what you're doing.. pr-girl's last comment was right on the money.. Dont be afraid to move on.. that hit me as well, cause I was terrified of that.. If she's meant to be yours, she will be.. but for now, move on without her. And be firm in telling her to leave you alone.

[saskradio]

Dude, she's using you as an emotional crutch. She can't talk to a 19 year old about her real issues.. you know her inside and out, so she comes to you. YOU, have to put an end to it, cause she's NOT your woman anymore..she has a boyfriend.

 

 

 

 

 

I can only imagine how hard it is to work with her.. but you have to put your foot down here. Cause I don't think you are. You have to tell her, to leave you alone. You're not ready to talk.. and mean it.

 

She obviously doesn't take you seriously, cause she keeps approaching you. This was HER decision for her to be with someone else. So tell her to live with that. Stop talking to her, cause all she's going to do is confuse you, fill your head with crap, and give you mixed signals so you can stay attached.. and it's working. Cut her off! Don't be scared to lose her!! She's not all that scared of losing you since she's sleeping with a teenager!

 

Take control of this situation. Don't be mean, but be very firm. Offer your condolences, and then tell her to leave you alone. You're not interested in hanging out with other dude's girlfriends.

 

I'm totally on your side here bro.. but this needs to be hammered into you. I STILL think she'll come back to you, but put yourself into a position that's best for you... which is..

 

NC.. try your best to slowly detach from her.. Move on with your life, and establish yourself.. which is what you're doing.. pr-girl's last comment was right on the money.. Dont be afraid to move on.. that hit me as well, cause I was terrified of that.. If she's meant to be yours, she will be.. but for now, move on without her. And be firm in telling her to leave you alone.

 

 

You're right man.

 

I will see what happens tomorrow (Tuesday), as I got today off because I had to work on my birthday last week.

 

I'm hoping she leaves me alone, I know she won't though and it's going to be very hard to tell her to her face to REALLY leave me alone. You're right, I have to be more firm since telling her calmly doesn't seem to work.

 

Haven't talked to her in a couple days now. I also blocked her on facebook, I didn't delete her as a friend, just used a firefox extension to block her site for now, so i'm not tempted to check up on her. You know what sucks though? The damn news feed. I still get news feed updates on her, and check this out, she posted some pics on Saturday...pics from the last week like st-pattys day and such. Anyways, they are random, some of her, some of him, but none of them together, and the ones of him were al with his friends...these guys are KIDS! it's crazy. She also labelled the album...well...a funny word that I and her made up back when we were dating...a word that makes no sense...and a word that no-one else would ever know...one of those reaaaaaaly inside jokes, you know?

 

I just found it funny.

 

I'll let ya know if anything happens tomorrow.

[heartoutside]

I don't totally agree. NC is about you, not about you and her, or him. NC is meant for you to regain your footing figure out who you are or what went wrong if something was wrong with the relationship. It's not meant at all as tool to trick your ex into coming back. Sometimes that will happen, so that is where I disagree with freddy and other posters. Just because you go NC doesn't mean they will forget you, although that is a great fear and possibility. Like every situation on LS, things are different for each person...

 

I disappeared and my ex came crawl'n back. BUT, she flipped out and said she needed to be single. The only good thing to come of her coming back was she actually saw that her life was/is a mess and that she needs help and needs to figure herself out.

Edited March 24, 2008 by heartoutside

[Freddy]

Hey now I did disagree on how NC is suppose to be used too, I agree with you Heart!

[saskradio]

I don't totally agree. NC is about you, not about you and her, or him. NC is meant for you to regain your footing figure out who you are or what went wrong if something was wrong with the relationship. It's not meant at all as tool to trick your ex into coming back. Sometimes that will happen, so that is where I disagree with freddy and other posters. Just because you go NC doesn't mean they will forget you, although that is a great fear and possibility. Like every situation on LS, things are different for each person...

 

I disappeared and my ex came crawl'n back. BUT, she flipped out and said she needed to be single. The only good thing to come of her coming back was she actually saw that her life was/is a mess and that she needs help and needs to figure herself out.

 

 

I am mainly doing this for ME. I want her back, but I don't know for sure if that is going to happen. I still think it may, i mean again shes 24 dating a 19 year old guy. Not to mention, a week before she started seeing him, she was still trying to get me back. She has her ex wanting her back, and a teenage boyfriend. She's got everything right now, and I am convinced she just wants to ride it out.

 

Also, there is never going to be FULL NC with this girl. As i've stated, she and I work together. The kind of NC I am referring to in this case is telling her to leave me alone, except for work related stuff, or if she wants to get back together. She still comes and talks to me about personal stuff, and my view on that is simple....you chose someone else over me, so you can talk to your teenage boyfriend about it and not me.

 

That is what I am going to try to get through to her tomorrow.

[pr-girl]

That is what I am going to try to get through to her tomorrow.

 

How'd it go today?