Thoughts on Letter to His Wife

[Aquarius Rising]

Hi all

 

Some of you may remember me from my post in January titled 'support needed'.

 

Anyway, I am struggling with a new and current issue post affair. The wife of the MM is continuing to harass and threaten me by email and post. I received a letter from her last week and it appears that she has been given a very distorted version of events about our affair from her H. Apart from the personal attacks which I can largely grin and bear, what eats at me most is the way that he continues to allow me to take the fall for him. My H has made no attempt to contact, threaten or harass him.

 

She clearly cannot see her H part in the affair and continues to direct her blame onto me. Having been solid on my NC with MM, he decided to phone me a week ago to warm me about the coming letter, which he had already read. He said he felt that he needed to protect me by letting me know. I explained that if I receive any further corresp from his W I will be seeking legal advice. He also said that is was an excuse to talk to me again.

 

I have prepared a letter for his W filling in the many gaps in his story and exposing the mutuality of our relationship.

 

I need advice from the forum here. I do not know whether to send this or not. It felt good to write it because I know it is the truth, but my fear is that this will only incite further anger, accusations, contact and drama. Frankly I want to move on and my husband is aware of the letter. He wanted to phone them but I suggested we let it go.

 

I don't quite know how to let it go, the fact that she blames me for everything and he happily sold her that story. Help! I've had to take stress-leave from work this week to try to get myself back together.

 

Thanks guys

[TMCM]

I would suggest that you contact an attorney ASAP. Email is often considered evidence and has been used to build a case against individuals. Often a cease-and-desist type of letter from an attorney is sufficient enough to stop many from acting out against another. Depending on the severity of her harassment, you may want to consider obtaining a restraining order against her.

 

Let's face it you have made an enemy who blames you more for the affair than she does her husband. Like it or not you are her scapegoat and thus the target of all her hatred. It may be wise that you resist the temptation to contact her in any way, shape or form for it might make matters worse for as the old saying goes "you cant argue with a sick mind".

[LakesideDream]

Don't send the letter Aquarius. Instead, think a bit about what the woman is going through, and what she is being forced to deal with. Clearly her wayward husband is telling her what she wants to hear. It's not about your husband abundance or lack of anger. It's about what you personally have done to her, threaten her marriage.

 

I've been where she is. I didn't hate the other man, in fact I hardly thought about him. Why? Because it was my now ex wife who hurt me not him. The only people who can hurt you emotionally are those who you give permission to do so.

 

Obviously they are trying to work it out in her marriage. You are still a threat. You it seems are trying to work on your marriage as well, and if the MM remains in NC, you to are the only threat you are suffering from.

 

She is in pain, mourning, greeving her damaged heart and marriage. Her life will never be the same. What's the point in sending a letter to "set her straight" (defending your cheating husband) that will only serve to cause her more intense pain ?

[stampdaddy]

I say don't send it.. It will DELAY her coming to "clarity", that YES, her husband was party #2 in this thing. Eventually, you will fade in her mind and her focus WILL BE on what H did.. Sending this letter will only prolong that from happening, and what does it "really" do for you? JMHO

I will be following this post and what other posters hae to say. FOCUS ON YOU, and DO NOT READ ANY OTHER EMAIL OR LETTER from her..

[silktricks]

Don't send a letter.

 

Do, however, keep copies of any and all communications she (or he) make to you, as you might require them in the future if her anger doesn't subside.

 

It is important that you realize that she is going through a lot right now. That's no excuse for harassment or threats (which is why you need to keep copies for any future need.) But sending a letter will only create more - not less - drama and anger.

 

Apart from the personal attacks which I can largely grin and bear, what eats at me most is the way that he continues to allow me to take the fall for him. My H has made no attempt to contact, threaten or harass him.

 

She clearly cannot see her H part in the affair and continues to direct her blame onto me.

 

{snip}

 

I don't quite know how to let it go, the fact that she blames me for everything and he happily sold her that story. Help! I've had to take stress-leave from work this week to try to get myself back together.

 

Let it go. Be the better person here, not that he deserves it, because he doesn't, but frankly neither do you. You were both involved and it took both of you to create an affair.

 

It sounds to me like you are getting angry, and that may not be an altogether bad thing, as it will definitely make any residual attraction/feelings go away, but getting mad at him because he foisted blame for the affair onto you is frankly a little silly and for sure a waste of time and energy.

 

In time - when she's past the worst of it - she'll come to her senses and figure out that it takes two to tango. Though you may right now think that he's getting off scott free - believe me - he'll not be getting off in the long run.

 

Let the story run it's course.

[Aquarius Rising]

I would suggest that you contact an attorney ASAP. Email is often considered evidence and has been used to build a case against individuals. Often a cease-and-desist type of letter from an attorney is sufficient enough to stop many from acting out against another. Depending on the severity of her harassment, you may want to consider obtaining a restraining order against her.

 

Let's face it you have made an enemy who blames you more for the affair than she does her husband. Like it or not you are her scapegoat and thus the target of all her hatred. It may be wise that you resist the temptation to contact her in any way, shape or form for it might make matters worse for as the old saying goes "you cant argue with a sick mind".

 

Thank-you, that's what I needed to hear. I will not send the letter but will keep a copy of hers.

[Aquarius Rising]

Don't send the letter Aquarius. Instead, think a bit about what the woman is going through, and what she is being forced to deal with. Clearly her wayward husband is telling her what she wants to hear. It's not about your husband abundance or lack of anger. It's about what you personally have done to her, threaten her marriage.

 

I've been where she is. I didn't hate the other man, in fact I hardly thought about him. Why? Because it was my now ex wife who hurt me not him. The only people who can hurt you emotionally are those who you give permission to do so.

 

Obviously they are trying to work it out in her marriage. You are still a threat. You it seems are trying to work on your marriage as well, and if the MM remains in NC, you to are the only threat you are suffering from.

 

She is in pain, mourning, greeving her damaged heart and marriage. Her life will never be the same. What's the point in sending a letter to "set her straight" (defending your cheating husband) that will only serve to cause her more intense pain ?

 

What you say is very true about who can hurt us. You make sense here. And you're right, setting her straight will be futile, she is likely to go on believing what she wants to believe anyway. I was not hostile toward her in my letter, it was written with compassion for how she must feel as well. But in any case I am not going to send it.

 

Many thanks

[Aquarius Rising]

I say don't send it.. It will DELAY her coming to "clarity", that YES, her husband was party #2 in this thing. Eventually, you will fade in her mind and her focus WILL BE on what H did.. Sending this letter will only prolong that from happening, and what does it "really" do for you? JMHO

I will be following this post and what other posters hae to say. FOCUS ON YOU, and DO NOT READ ANY OTHER EMAIL OR LETTER from her..

 

Thanks for your comments. I just have to believe that eventually he will take appropriate responsibility for his involvement, but I guess there are some people who never do?

[stampdaddy]

We got found out over 8 months ago, and then agai, and again, and again, and EVEN SEEING us together, and then again... AND HE STILL BELIEVES HER what does that tell you? MOVE ON, and work on YOU

[Aquarius Rising]

Don't send it. If she already knows about the affair, I would advise no contact. As a former bs, I hated getting anything from the ow(still do, got e-mail this past weekent, but that's another story)No matter what you say, no matter how you try to explain, no matter what the true facts are she isn't ready to hear them...from you. If he tells her, she will be more willing to except it. Right now, you are no longer part of the equation. If your husband has decided to give you another shot, then that is all you need to take care of. But, do keep the e-mails for evidence. I had to take out a RO on the ow, and you may need to on the bw.

 

Hearing you loud and clear. Thanks for providing some clarity with this.

[Aquarius Rising]

Don't send a letter.

 

Do, however, keep copies of any and all communications she (or he) make to you, as you might require them in the future if her anger doesn't subside.

 

It is important that you realize that she is going through a lot right now. That's no excuse for harassment or threats (which is why you need to keep copies for any future need.) But sending a letter will only create more - not less - drama and anger.

 

 

 

Let it go. Be the better person here, not that he deserves it, because he doesn't, but frankly neither do you. You were both involved and it took both of you to create an affair.

 

It sounds to me like you are getting angry, and that may not be an altogether bad thing, as it will definitely make any residual attraction/feelings go away, but getting mad at him because he foisted blame for the affair onto you is frankly a little silly and for sure a waste of time and energy.

 

In time - when she's past the worst of it - she'll come to her senses and figure out that it takes two to tango. Though you may right now think that he's getting off scott free - believe me - he'll not be getting off in the long run.

 

Let the story run it's course.

 

Thanks for your comments. I so appreciate this forum.

[SoleMate]

Right, it was good to WRITE the letter, but useless to SEND it. I really don't see any possible way YOU can benefit. Detaching from the ex-MM goes along with detaching from any effort to attempt to convince the wife of the realities of the affair. Even if you have a notarized high def video and incidents attested via affidavits from the entire Supreme Court as eyewitnesses, IT WILL NOT BE ENOUGH to convince her. And so what? Like so many other billions of people in the world, her thought patterns should be a matter of no concern to you.

 

Once again, thinking about you and your H, put the emphasis on YOU TWO.

[trifecta]

“what eats at me most is the way that he continues to allow me to take the fall for him.”

 

So this energy you are spending on his finger pointing and his denial is getting you where?

You job right now is to work on you and your marriage...and her job is to work on hers-she simply has not caught onto that yet, and you don’t seem to have either.

It really is not up to you to fill in the gaps-that is her husbands responsibility-their marriage has nothing to do you-focus on your marriage and healing that. I am glad your husband knows about the letter, just curious if he knows about the contact?

 

This is sadly just one of the gazillion consequences of an affair-many folk simply do not have the skills to cope with such a betrayal. I don’t agree it is a sick mind-its overwhelmed. Did you know it sits up there in the top 5, right next to death of a spouse or child or total disability, it is devastating. Obviously if you feel she has the capabilities to carry out any threats, then sure go for some form of legal intervention- or maybe something as simple as a no contact letter acknowledging the pain caused and your desire to rebuild your marriage ( I assume that’s what you are doing)

If I were you I would get rid of your letter and file hers under consequences.

Edited March 5, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Aquarius Rising]

I am grateful to you for your comments.

Edited March 5, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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