soapbox Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Hi everyone. I, too, am amidst the unbearable pain of a breakup, thought I'd give this a shot. This is probably going to be very long, apologies... I'm a 20 year old college junior, studying psychology of all things. Although I feel unlucky in love, I've had 3 serious relationships which I guess is more than most people my age can day. I met Dave, 23, last September. We had met through myspace, and talked online as friends for 5 months before meeting. After meeting for the first time, we were inseparable. I was terrified because I was still not completely over my ex and was in no shape to be hurt like that again. I voiced to him my worries and he told me he understood, and it was completely up to me. One week after our first date he told me he loved me. He didn't pressure me at all to reciprocate, but of course in the following weeks I fell in love with him, too. I knew he was a wounded boy, born addicted to crack and adopted by his grandmother who was abusive, grew up thinking his real mom was his sister. As a woman, I wanted to be a healer for him. Everything was amazing - I felt rejeuvenated, loved, just walking on clouds, nothing could get me down. He came to family dinners with me every weekend and spent Christmas with me and my family. That's when things began their descent. His car broke down and was irrepairable, so I started letting him use my car. We had a fight on Christmas day, but we made up and he left for work the next day. He was MIA for a whole 5 days. I was so worried, I thought he had died, even went as far as filing a missing persons report! Then on New Years Eve he calls. He comes over and we talk, and it comes out that he was scared because things were getting serious and he knew he was going to have to tell me a big secret he had been hiding from me - when he was 17 he got a girl pregnant, and he has a 5 year old son that he pays $400 a month in child support for. I was devastated...how could he keep something so important like that from me? But he cried, and I cried, and as the days went by and I tried to not think about it, we slowly got back on track. Well, almost. He lost his job (did I mention, he didn't even go to work those 5 days he dissappeared! His boss would call me worried everyday, scaring me even more). We started having loud, screaming fights at least once a week, usually escalated by alcohol. But, we were in love...so we kept trying. He was out of work for almost 2 months, during which I supported him. He finally got two jobs, close to my apartment, as we were planning on him moving in over the summer. I feel so stupid when I see these words in text, but I really thought we had a future together - I'd never felt so serious about someone. Valentine's Day was ruined. He began saying more and more hurtful things to me during our fights. It finally all came to a head on Friday night. We were just relaxing, having some drinks (OF COURSE!) when we got in a nitpicky fight about something. He revealed to me that he was working with 2 of my old friends that I had stopped talking to in December because of some mean stuff they did. He said that everyone thinks I'm a "piece of ****" and they can't believe he stayed with me for so long. He told me half of me is this wonderful caring person, and the other is just an evil bitch. I retorted with "yeah, I'M HUMAN!" and he replied "no...you're not even human. You're a horrible person. I'm only telling you this because I love you and you need to take a deep look at yourself." He then told me "I understand why your ex dumped you, he just couldn't stand you anymore. The only reason he saw you after you brokeup was because he knew you'd be an easy piece of ass." With that, he slapped my ass (I was in fetal position on my bed, just bawling). He walked out of my room, turned around and said "I feel sorry for you". I, for the millionth time, screamed at him to get out of my apartment, the relationship was over. And then he called a cab and left. Now, I know I have my flaws, but I am NOT a horrible person or ANY of the other things he said. I cannot understand why someone I did EVERYTHING for would ever consider saying those things to me...and then to say he was only doing it BECAUSE he loves me?! I am devastated, completely heartbroken, and I just feel like it's the end of the world. He's usually such an emotional guy, but this time he just didn't care about my feelings at all. I half expected him to call and apologize when he woke up and realized what he had done...but it is now Tuesday, and have not heard from him. Even if he did, I know I need to be strong and not let this go any further...the things he said, and the betrayal of working and talking about me with two people who hurt me very much, are DEALBREAKERS. This would go on indefinitely had I not ended it. But...knowing that doesn't make it any easier. So now I am left with a bunch of his things, which I packed away in big plastic boxes so I could put them in my back patio, away from eyesight. However, there are still some other things here like his Total Gym that I cannot move myself, nor do I want to put outside to rust. Also, his JUNK CAR is parked in my lot...he said for months that he would get it registered and towed...bah. Now I'm just playing the waiting game to hear from him about his stuff. I have no idea what's going through his head right now, and I'm downright scared to talk to him. I know this is the right thing to do, but I love that jerk, and I'm weak right now. Wish me the best. Words of wisdom, comments, thoughts, etc... are welcome!
g1976b Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I'll admit, because of my particular circumstances (recently dumped) I am ALL for second chances because I do think people can change. However, I'm going to go with the exception on this one. You can't go back to this relationship. It's T-R-O-U-B-L-E. I have a feeling this would only get worse and though it's the last thing you want to hear right now, I do believe you'll be better off long term. You're young, seem fairly articulate and have a kind heart. You will bounce back. Just hold your ground while you get the logistical stuff figured out so you aren't weak and go back to him. NOTHING but bad will come from it. You can do it. We'll be here to help if you want to talk.
datingmum Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 (edited) to advise you about what to do with this man. But what I will say is this: You got involved with a man that you were fully aware was born a crack addict, raised by his abusive grandmother (whom I'm assuming screwed up his crack addict 'sister'). He was clearly bound to have issues. It is easy to admire and accept and love someone who has risen out of these issues to make something of himself, something that clearly resonates within you. The real question here is were you getting your needs met and if not, why weren't you backing out? Were you able to tell him what he could give you? Because I, personally, 'fall in love' with someone because of their flaws, only to realise later that the true love kicks in when I learn to love them despite these flaws. Yet that realisation can come alongside grief because sometimes we love those that may be too scared to take responsibility for their part in the relationship, their emotional scars. He probably felt emasculated by his broken down Junk Car and your lovely family at Christmas and maybe couldn't handle it, felt he loved you so much and wanted to reach out and have that for himself, yet *WHOAH* he also feels rejected from the fighting or overwhelmed. Then he begins to feel all of the grief maybe from the fact the he doesn't have it. I bet he got very very scared of the wellspring that you opened in him. Has he ever taken crack himself? Because I've seen very healthy looking people whom you would otherwise never know that have been in the early stages of addiction/binges. Just thinking out loud here. BUT he still must acknowledge, work and heal these issues. Let's talk about you though, you have to do what feels right for you. You have to have boundaries. 5 days and filing a police report is NOT ACCEPTABLE to have to do/go through as a lover. He cannot do this. Only you will know if there are any truth in all of our musings. Good luck and be wise in your choices and be careful with your heart. Let us know. You write well. Edited March 5, 2008 by datingmum
Author soapbox Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 I do really love him...it's the things he says to me that I don't love... Night time is always so hard...feeling so alone...it makes me scared of the dark like when I was a kid. I still feel so close to him...how whenever I was upset he'd just hold me. And after a fight, it felt so good to be in his arms. I know he'd hold me if I asked, and that's hard to handle =( Sorry...it's just once it gets dark out I fall apart.
strife Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 "I understand why your ex dumped you, he just couldn't stand you anymore. The only reason he saw you after you brokeup was because he knew you'd be an easy piece of ass." This is why you should never see him again. Someone who loves you takes care of you. He was not taking care of you with his words and actions. I have no license or certification or anything of the sort on this, but it sounds like he has started abusing you. He will first completely rid you of your self-esteem and then later treat you however he wishes. Like I said, I have no expertise on this, but his abusive behavior is a clear sign that you should not have contact with him again. I wish you the best. You sound very intelligent and caring. You brought him into a loving environment and shared your belongings. He should be the last person on earth to say the things he said.
D-Lish Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 No one who claims to love you should ever say the things this boy said. When someone hates himself as he obviously does, it's twistedly comforting to bring other people down. That's what abusers do. Your write as an articulate, insightful person. I think you know that what he has done, the way he has treated you is reprehensible. The whole disappearing acts, alcohol induced fighting, emotional abuse... None of that is healthy- nor will it likely change. Yes, you jumped in as a saviour to this guy....you wanted to rescue him. Trust me when I tell you this boy is damaged, and as much as you want to help him and make a better life for him, you cannot. The damage was done long ago, and it will remain embedded him in for life. I am sure you are holding onto the small good pieces of him, you remember the first little while of dating when he was on his best behaviour, and you are grasping onto that, waiting for "that guy" to come back. He won't come back, because it was never really who he was in the first place. The guy you see now- the abuser, the abandoner, the spiteful jerk.... that is the guy you are truly dating. Trust me on that. I have dated damaged men in the past, and all they did was left me damaged after they tore through my life like a tornado. His life has been sad and tragic. If you stay with him, your life will be too. No, you're not perfect- you are going to have your good and bad moments. But I can tell from your writing that you are a caring empathetic individual. You don't deserve to have someone say the awful things he said to you. I know if he came back tomorrow you would take him in in a second. I wish you would rethink that though. You can't save him, he won't change. He can't hold a job, he drinks, he disappears, he abuses you. Think about those things.
marlena Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 (edited) I do really love him...it's the things he says to me that I don't love... I am sorry that you are going through this. So young and so tortured. It really is a pity. This is not what love is about or shouldn't be, especially at your age. You are too young to be faced with these kinds of problems. At your age, love should be carefree and fun, exciting and happy. It should bring a smile to your face and not tears. As hard as it may be for you to accept this, what he says to you is a part of who he is. This is something that you should not overlook or sweep under the carpet or make excuses for because of his background. I lot of people have risen above their situation and become better people for it. His reaction to problems is to hurl abuse. This is unacceptable no matter what his issues are. If you continue to see this person, he will, of this I can be certain, continue to say hurtful things and behave disrespectfully. Apart from the hideous accusations that were said to purposefully hurt you, he is also a liar. Holding back important information such as having a child illustrates his flawed personality. Perhaps, then was the time to leave and not look back. You are setting no boundaries here to the amount of pain you are enabling him to cause you. My dear girl, it was a mistake to get involved with him from the start.You are an intelligent young lady. That much is obvious by how well you structure your thoughts and then put them down in words. You made an unwise choice. We all do. Now, it's time to fix it. This man spells TROUBLE big time. Do not try to fix him. People can not be fixed. He is telling you who he is. Do not even allow yourself to feel pity for him. Let him go, do whatever you can to put this behind you and move on with your life. It will be hard but you will eventually be over with him. Next time make wiser choices. Love is not pain,deceit and insurmountable problems. It shouldn't be. Love at your age should be healthy, positive and joyous - a celebration like the coming of spring. Marlena Edited March 10, 2008 by marlena
Author soapbox Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 Thank you all for your honest responses, and I know they are absolutely true. It will be two weeks of NC by this Friday, which is of course slowly getting me out of the funk he put me in, but at the same time I want him to get this stuff out of my place, especially that broken down car...I'm worried my landlord will start asking about it soon. I sent him an e-mail on Saturday night asking when he would be able to get his things, but no response yet. He hasn't been on his myspace either, which leads me to believe he might not be checking e-mails. I've made considerable progress, even though it's only been slightly over a week. I know what I need to do, and I remind myself by remembering the fights, the hurt, etc... I just can't seem to get myself to stop worrying about how he's doing. Yuck. And knowing that someday, hopefully soon, he will contact me about his crap is making me very anxious. My friend from another state is coming to visit on Thursday-Tuesday, so I'm very excited for her to take my mind off of this for a while. If all goes well, maybe he'll come by for his stuff when she's there so I wont be in the awkward position of being alone with him. Thanks again, I really appreciate the feedback. It's going to be hard to not still want this guy in my life, because when he's good he's sooo good. But when he's bad....yes, I definitely not deserve that after ALL I have done or him. Best wishes for the week!
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