tonyeltiger Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 So last night, I had a dream that my ex missed me, wanted me back, yadda yadda you know how it goes. I woke up early (as usual) with a sick feeling in my stomach. I've seen a number of posts lately about not being able to rest and such, and I completely understand. When I woke up this morning with that sick feeling, I thought to myself, “It's gonna be another one of those days”. I was pleasantly surprised. I got out of bed, sat at my pc, and did my usual. Checked my e-mail (of course she didn't write, why do I still hope?), facebook (she still has me blocked, so even if I wanted to, I couldn't check her page), checked loveshack for some inspiration, and then went to myspace. For those who follow my story, myspace has been the bane of my existence for the past month. She removed me as a friend, and her profile is private, so I cannot see anything but a picture, her current mood, and status. Normally I check this and go “whoopy, that did me absolutely no good” (whether I could twist her words into positives or negatives for me when they most likely have nothing to do with me), and then check her current fling's myspace. This is where the majority of my pain comes from because he'll post pictures of him at her place, or I'll see her comments to him which seem very happy. While I am truly glad that she is happy because I love her, that doesn't lessen my pain for having lost a loved one or the envy towards her current guy. However, after waking with a sick feeling, I was in no mood to make myself feel worse. For the first time since the breakup, I decided not to hurt myself. I did not check his page. I turned off the computer and busied myself with something. I went to class and I wasn't distracted. I actually had the best day so far since the breakup. I truly believe that a combination of time and not choosing to hurt myself made this day good. And because I wasn't mopping around all day feeling sorry for myself, wondering if she's happy with him, wondering when the next time I'll talk to her, I could think about other things that I feel all have said at one point on LS, but sometimes these points can be spread out throughout the forums. *Enter stereotypical thread name here* I choose “Help! She broke up with me and I want her back soooo bad!” When I see a post like this, I can tell that regardless of the situation, no matter how “special” the circumstances, will receive this kind of response from multiple people. “She obviously wanted you out of the picture, so give it to her. NC all the way. If she misses you, she'll be back. But until then improve yourself!” Then the OP will say something like, “But I love her so much, if she just gave me one more chance I'd be able to prove to her that I'm the one for her. I think/know that she is with another guy and I'm afraid that she will just forget about me!” Then responses would follow along the lines of, “That sucks, most of us have experienced this pain, but believe us, if it's meant to be, it will be. If not, you're better off without.” The OP will then say, “ok, I know you're right and will start NC. I'm just so scared I've lost her forever.” I too felt like the imaginary OP for the last month or so. But today after having my first good day in a long time could finally think about things quite a bit more objectively. Here were my primary fears over the past month. 1.What if she forgets me and moves on with this new guy and ends up married? 2.What if she is the one for me and I will never find someone that makes me that happy? 3.Her new fling is better than me 4.She probably doesn't even think about me anymore 5. *I'm sure there are more fears I can't even list So the seemingly obvious answer to all of these fears is to contact my Ex. She can't forget me if I keep trying to establish contact, even if she doesn't answer. She has to think about me if I am trying to contact her. If I do get through, I can tell her all of the great improvements I've made in my life that would make her happy, and cast me in a better light compared to her new fling. And finally, if she is the one for me, I have to (and need to) talk to her. Now I look back at my fears and wants to contact her and a few things occur to me. These have all been said once or more in LS, but they make sense once you stop looking at your life in fear. In response to the fear that she will forget me and marry another guy: If she is ABLE to forget you and fall in love with someone else, she is not worth your time, and is obviously not “the one”. In my case, she left me after 4 years saying that she needed to find herself, still loved me like a best friend, who knows if maybe one day we'll be back together, etc. etc. I love her, so I am going to believe that she was being honest, because she has never given me reason to distrust her before. Therefore, even though she is dating another guy now, she is doing what she feels is right. We have no idea what our love interest's emotional needs are, and maybe she needed to explore feelings she had for a guy before she could be sure that I was the one for her. If that's what she needs to do, who am I to say that is wrong? I'm not saying that it's a pleasant decision, and I may feel that it is a horrible thing to do to someone, but I am saying that we don't have any control over how other people feel, and we just need to accept what our loved ones need to do. If she loved me, TRULY loved me that way that we always told each other, there is no way that she has forgotten me. In fact, I know that she hasn't. We had good times together, and we ended everything in a very friendly fashion. Yes, I think she was wrong to not sit and talk with me more about it and give me more closure, but there you go. Maybe she just knew that she loved me so much that she knew that if she talked too much to me that I would be able to talk her out of doing what she feels she needs to do. All of this is speculation, and I'm not saying that it's true, but what I am saying is that we have NO IDEA why they are doing what they are doing or what plans they have for their own futures. If he/she loves you, they WILL miss you. And they WILL come back into your life (if you let them). The only thing that we, the dumpee's, can do is improve ourselves and decide whether we should even take them back if they do come crawling back. Calling them and telling them that we still love them, miss them, are improving ourselves for them, will only tell them that they have more time to decide whether they miss us or not, because we obviously are still head-over-heals for them and will be here waiting for them to return. The same goes for being friends with them. You must cut yourself out of their life, because someone cannot miss what is already there. If they have asked for space, pressuring them to make a decision will only make them choose to be without you. Emotions are difficult to understand and are very easily sent spiraling in another direction at a moment's notice. Telling your ex that you love them and need to know exactly what they are thinking, interrogating them about their feelings for another person, etc, is like jumping on a gram scale to see your weight. The tiniest things can change the way someone feels, and giving them more pressure, even if it is positive by nature (eg: I love you etc.) will only over-load their feelings and send them into panic mode where they will say harsh things and make sudden decisions just to get you off their back. You could really lose them forever, or you could guilt them into returning, but would you really be happy if they are guilted into being with you? The best thing that I can see to do at least in my situation, but most likely for anyone else's situation as well, is NC. Sure, she is with another guy. They are going out and doing things together, all couples are going to do that. It's the honeymoon phase, and most everything will probably feel just peachy for at LEAST a month, at very most a year. If you say to yourself, “I can't live without him/her for a year”, there are a couple of problems. You have horrible self-esteem. You have to be able to fend for yourself in order to have ANYONE attracted to you, much less your ex. And secondly, if that statement were true, you're life is going to be pretty short if it turns out that she decides you're not the one. Are you going to let someone else determine the worth of your life? I chose today to not. I still to this day believe that we truly had a great relationship. Something just wasn't there that she felt she needed, and so she left to examine what it is that she wants. She started dating a guy that she was probably considering as a possible partner when she broke it off with me. Is it unfair? Sure it is. But would I want her to be with me forever wondering if I'm really the one for her? No way. Therefore I will go out, improve myself, and date other people when someone interesting comes along. And she will experience this guy she's with. I know she is a very emotional, careful, intelligent girl, and that she did indeed love me. She will not be very serious with this guy for quite a while if this is true. She will take things slow, and definitely not just all of a sudden be super physical or something. She'll be happy for a while. Aren't we all happy with a new-found interesting person in our lives? But after that newness wears off, we see people as they are. We see flaws etc, and we also are able to truly compare them to our Exes. And if she truly loved me, she'll miss me and find me. If not, at least I moved on with my life and lived it up. And by the time she comes back, I will have had just as many new experiences as she has, and I will be able to know for sure if I want to be with her. If she never comes back, good for her. We had good times, and I will always remember them. I'm sure she will too. It's ok to hope, but not to lower your quality of life by torturing yourself (like I had been, and will continue to work on not doing so), or living your life for someone else. There is someone else out there just as beautiful, interesting, and loving as your ex was in the best times of your relationship. But if you are living your life for that ex that may never come back, he/she will never be able to enter your life. This was a long post I know. But I felt rather inspired by my unexpectedly good day, and hope that I can help someone else out there that hasn't had a good day in a while. It does get better. I'm not over everything yet, but I know that because I had one good day, I can have another. Good luck to you all. (Now if only I could get a good nights sleep.....)
CaliGuy Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Tony, The thing that stands out most to me from your post is simply that you are choosing self-destructive behavior over healing. Checking her myspace, facebook, her new flings pages, hoping for an email from her, etc. The reason you aren't healing as fast as possible, the reason you pine over her is because you won't let go. You're doing this to yourself. Your life will never move forward until you earnestly put the past behind you. What's done is done and can not be changed. Who cares what she is doing or who she is with now? She's no longer your PROBLEM. The only way to move forward is to STEP forward. Right now, you're walking backwards.
Author tonyeltiger Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Ummmm.....I could be mistaken, but the entire point of the post was to say that today I chose not to do all of that.......but whatever!
frd150 Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Good work Tony. And when and "if" you slip go back and re read it. Pretty soon good days will be second nature and not soon after that you will be back to your old self. Remember though in doing so you must remember what you have learned from all this and use it.
CaliGuy Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Ummmm.....I could be mistaken, but the entire point of the post was to say that today I chose not to do all of that.......but whatever! I understand that. I merely wanted to point out to you (and to others) the negative effect that checking up on your ex causes. Admittedly I couldn't read the whole thing but congrats. You're learning how to move on.
Joebo Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Good job Tony, I'm sure that post hit home with many of us here. We have all humbled ourselves at the feet of our exes, so to speak. Then woken up one day to the revelation that NC is the way forward. I for one, cannot bring myself to say that I hope she would be happy with some other guy. Maybe I'm just not there yet or, maybe I'm just not that type of person. In some ways, I feel that I would be better off if she was seeing someone else. I may get complete closure then. I don't think I could go back after that as I'd always be wondering if she had one eye on the door again. That said, I don't think about it all the time any more. In fact my days are getting better too. Don't get me wrong, I still want her to come back but I have definitely accepted that she will not come back as a result of being pestered. I've also come around to the fact that I'll be ok if she never comes back. Its has to be onward and upward, there's nothing else for it. Its great to see that you've had a better day. Now that you've had one lets hope that they come thick and fast for you. Take it easy. Regards, JB.
Jmina Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 lol! caliguy! give the guy credit and read the whole thing before you post! what you told him he already has experienced which is why he chose to not do it at all for that day. well done tonyeltiger i can tell you have gained clarity and a bit of insight - who wouldve thought? you will only get more and more and it will become easier to handle. I am on 10 months ... It is much easier now, and facebook does make things worse even this far down the track. If you want to continue on your more positive journey then deactivate all your online stuff. I did. i'd like you to expan on this for me "But if you are living your life for that ex that may never come back, he/she will never be able to enter your life" thanks Jmina
Author tonyeltiger Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 Oh, that was a little confusing. Let me rephrase. If you are living your life for that ex that may never come back, the real "one" will never be able to enter your life. You know, the other interesting beautiful loving people out there! I wish one would come around for me, I know that would help me not feel so lonely!
Issues & tissues Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 (edited) Tony, A great post that really hits the nail on the head. Sick and tired of the emotional rollercoaster and the downhill spiral, I decided a few weeks ago to quit torturing or beating myself up over my ex and decided to put the breakup in pretty much the same light as you have done. I found the strength to overcome my fears and to embrace NC even if it meant losing the one I loved forever. I now sleep much better at night which means I am less prone to emotional breakdowns and have more energy to fight those "bad days". I have taken up new hobbies, been travelling to new places and meeting new people. I now realize that I don't need my ex to make me happy -- my emotional well-being is MY responsibility and nobody else's (including my ex). Edited March 5, 2008 by Issues & tissues
CaliGuy Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 lol! caliguy! give the guy credit and read the whole thing before you post! what you told him he already has experienced which is why he chose to not do it at all for that day. NAY!!!! Gimmie the reader's digest version so I have time to actually read it. lol But the first couple paragraphs fall right into line with the "self torture" thread. Cheers.
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