I don't want to mess up

[Enchantica]

I don't understand what's wrong with me. I don't know it it's me, my living situation or what. I feel really down all the time, or at least I thought I did.

 

Here is my living situation in a nutshell: I live with my female friend + her bf, and my ex-bf. Me and my ex are good friends now, that's why we parted ways. It works for us, we have both moved on. My female friend's bf abuses her emotionally and physically. My ex-bf's gf abuses him emotionally and once physically. That's my living situation. My family lives 4 hours away.

 

This weekend me and my bf of 7 months (we are happy together) went to visit my parents and it was lots of fun. It was so nice to be in a house where I feel loved and liked by everyone, without drama. I have barely been thinking about my difficult living situation when I was home. I just concentrated on being happy, I didn't even think of anything sad. I liked being around my bf and my family because they are all great people.

 

Now I'm back in the flat again. And I've cried twice already. My bf is away to his home because he has work in the morning. It feels like whenever I am back in this flat I just get overwhelmed with emotions, about my female friend's abusive bf, about not being able to hang out with either of my friends because of their controlling partners, I just stay in my room a lot of the time because I don't want to have to face any nasty people. My exes gf doesn't live here but she comes over a lot, as does her sister, who stays for days on end just now. I guess the only happy times are when my bf comes over and we just hang out in my room. I'm usually fine then because my bf is a wonderful caring person and I love being around him.

 

But I do have another problem. In the past, my ex (the one I live with) did something that has kind of bothered me for about 5 years now. We have discussed it a few times but it still gets to me. When we started going out, we had to do long distance for about 4 months. I would visit about once a month. At this point we had been together about 4-5 months. Well, it was his friend's birthday and they had went to a club and made friends with a girl. Which is fine, I have no problem with bfs being friends with girls. The problem was when his flatmate let slip that this girl had spent the night in the same bed as him. He was my bf at the time and he let this girl sleep with him in bed, knowing fine well that she fancied him. (she had asked if he wanted to see her pierced nipples, he declined apparently). I was not happy with this but what bothered me was that he actually wasn't going to tell me. So we talked about it, got over it etc. Then a few weeks later when I'm back home, he tells me that this girl spent the night again. No drink had been involved this time, she had come over to watch DVDs and they had just fallen asleep. So she spent the night with him in his bed again. I guess it's good that he told me that time. I told him this just wasn't right. We got over it again, moved on. 3 years later we broke up.

 

Fast forward to today, I have a lovely bf who I have been with for 7 months. But yet I still have this difficult feeling, that I can't trust him because of what my ex did. I trusted my ex so much, 110%. Now I feel this trust building up for my now bf. But I'm scared. I have chatted about my issues to my bf and he's very understanding and tells me that he has a conscience where if he does anything wrong it will go around his head and he can't keep it in. I'm the same, I'm always very open if I have spoken to exes etc. And he does tell me when he speaks to his exes, I asked him to let me know if exes he doesn't normally speak to get in touch, then could he just let me know. I just like to be kept in touch with things so that I don't "find things out" later on.

 

I know it's not right to base things on my ex, my new bf isn't him. It's just that I am getting to the point where I really do trust him and I'm scared. I know that some of his past gfs/flings still keep in contact, which is fine, but I think some still like him. And then I remembered a conversation I heard recently, someone saying that men will always cheat if the sex is basically offered on a plate, they can't turn it down. I don't quite believe this but with my irrational mind, argh, things are just difficult to cope with!!!

 

/rant over. Any comments appreciated xxx

[carhill]

Move out. Find a room to rent somewhere. That place is toxic. Do not move in with BF.

 

Work on your trust issues. Ask BF to continue to be patient. Take things slow.

 

Look for flats/rooms to let today

[Enchantica]

I wish I could move out but I am contracted into a lease until June so gotta stick it out until then. Sucks but I gotta do it.

[xpaperxcutx]

No wonder you're constantly depressed. That place is not a good environment to be around, you're surrounded by abusive bfs, overcontrolling gfs, and cheating exes? YIKES

 

When your lease is up, find a different place to live away from all that bad influence. Meanwhile, just try to sit it out by not getting involved in all the drama, heartache, deceit, etc. With your current bf, I say he's a keeper. But because you're overwhelmed with all these bad energy, it's affecting your good judgment. Don't base your new relationships on your old, try to see your bf as a different person in a new light. Don't let your ex's mistakes overshadow your pursuit for happiness.

[Enchantica]

Yeah, I do need to get out this place. The negativity is awful. I'm glad my bf is coming to see me tomorrow night and staying over. I will be glad for some happy company!

[NuTuDating]

I concur. June's not TOO far away. Move as soon as you're able.

[carhill]

And no more leases with roommates. Month to month. I've never rented but have been a landlord. Nothing I hate more than writing a lease for roommates.

 

I think you'd be far better off if you imposed on family or friends until June and paid the lease out. Your sanity is worth something, yes?

[dani_girl33]

I don't think you need to wait until June. Couldn't your ex's girlfriend move in. Or her sister. I doubt that would be a problem. One of them could just take your place. If you talked it out with them, and then maybe talked to the landlord, I don't think it would be a problem. You need to be proactive and get out of the negative situation as soon as possible. And also, living there probably doesn't help out your relationships with your friends. I don't see why they are stayng in abusive relationships. That is definitely a problem.

And the whole trust issue. I can understand how it is hard to be in a new relationship and have a hard time trusting them right away. But you definitely can't compare your ex and your new man. It just isn't right. That isn't fair to your boyfriend. I know it's hard, but you just have to do your best to not let it get to you. I was really having troubles at the beginning of my new relationship, I thought that if he hadn't called for a couple days, it meant he was cheating on me. But no, it's usually never what you think. I know that us women need a constant reassurance that our significant other cares for us and doesn't want to be with anyone else. But we have to remember that it can't always be done. And even if he doesn't say I love you when you get off the phone, it doesn't mean that he doesn't. He doesn't need to say it everytime, the love hasn't changed. I eventually started to realize that. But gosh, it was so hard.

Keep yourself busy so that your not always thinking about the negative things. Stay out of the house as much as you can if you really can't leave the place before June. Just do something to keep you mind occupied at all times. It's hard, but it helps.

I hope everthing turns out okay for you.

I hope your roommates realize that they shouldn't be with abusive partners and end it with them.

 

Good luck with everything.