whispering_willoww Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 I don't even know where to begin with this....so I guess I'll start at the beginning. I have known the guy I'm dating since I was 14 years old (I'm not 29 and he's 32). We were pretty much just "talking" up until this year. I went home for New Year's and he wanted to spend New Year's with me so I told him to meet me and a girlfriend at the club we were going to. Well we had only been intimate once back in 06 at New Year's and I didn't want him to think I was that kind of woman. He met up with us and I was cold towards him because i didn't want him to think we were going to have a replay of the New Year's of 06 and besides I had some other health issues going on and didn't want to go into detail with him. He calls me up about 1 week later and asks if I'm seeing someone and I said no. He tells me that he noticed I was being a little cold on New Year's and bottom line he wanted to be with me. He said we have known each other for a long time and he likes who I am. He feels I'm beautiful inside and outside and likes how he feels when he is with me. He proceeds to tell me he wants to move where I am. Now he had said this many times through out the year that we were just "talking" but I always brushed it off. This time he kept saying this is not going to go where he wants it to if he's there and I'm here. He said he has nothing to lose by leaving because in his line of work he can transfer etc. Well I said ok after a while and said I'd be with him. Flash forward to now. It's been about 2 months into this thing. Now I know he dating this one girl for 6 years and she cheated on him several times. He was down here visiting last week. On Saturday night we went out to have a few drinks and I noticed he was text messaging....it started to get on my nerves but I patiently waited. He turns to me and says that his ex is messaging him. Now according to what I have been told they have been broken up for about 4-6 months now. He even let me read the messages. Nothing was bad it's just I know he still cares about this girl...I don't want to be the rebound woman. If he wants to move here I want him to make sure it's what he really wants and that he's not just trying to get away from the feelings he has for her. It hurts me. I know thinking about it I am probably just feeding into my own insecurities. I haven't spoken to him to tell him how I feel yet but I can't go on much longer. After finding she is texting and calling him I don't think he can focus and put his all into what we are trying to build. I care deeply for him as a friend and as a boyfriend. I am afraid we will not have a friendship at all if she were to come between what we are trying to do together. He is very attentive to me and that's great....it's just i have that nagging sensation that if she pursues much harder she may break him down......What advice can you give?
carhill Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Do he and his X have kids together? If not, make it clear to him that his X is not to be part of your time together. If you see him talking or texting with/to her again while you are together, leave. No fanfare, just go. I think a hard line like this will help clarify his intentions. I think it's fine he should have contact with his X as long as it is part of the "friend zone", but such in your presence is inappropriate. BTW, she can't "break him down". He'll be with who he wants to be. If he's that much of a child, I'd leave now.
Author whispering_willoww Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 No they do not have any children together. He has a child with another person but she's married and they have that mutual understanding. I think this bothers me because I've been in his position before. I had an ex that was in and out of my life for 7 years before I realized I was in a toxic relationship and had to cut it off for good. He would creep back in and those old feelings would resurface. He was a chronic cheater and got caught several times. He was just one of those men that could wear me down you know talking about how things were and how we had changed and they could now be better.....I just think if the shoe was on the other foot he would not be too happy that I was constantly texting and speaking with an ex. It's a fine line like you said. You said doing it in my presence is unacceptable....that's the question I'm trying to answer do I want to be kept in the dark about his conversations with her or do I really want to know? Is ignorance bliss or is it better to know?
xpaperxcutx Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 No they do not have any children together. He has a child with another person but she's married and they have that mutual understanding. I think this bothers me because I've been in his position before. I had an ex that was in and out of my life for 7 years before I realized I was in a toxic relationship and had to cut it off for good. He would creep back in and those old feelings would resurface. He was a chronic cheater and got caught several times. He was just one of those men that could wear me down you know talking about how things were and how we had changed and they could now be better.....I just think if the shoe was on the other foot he would not be too happy that I was constantly texting and speaking with an ex. It's a fine line like you said. You said doing it in my presence is unacceptable....that's the question I'm trying to answer do I want to be kept in the dark about his conversations with her or do I really want to know? Is ignorance bliss or is it better to know? I don't think that you need to worry so much about what their conversations are about as opposed to him showing enough respect for you to not text to his gf in your presence. He's obviously still hung up on her, and you have to make it clear that in order to pursue a relationship, he would have no regrets leaving his job and his life behind. 4-6 months is not enough time for him to completely be free from the feelings of _ years time. I think its best to have a talk with him to see where he would like thing to go. Just to make sure he's not making any rash decisions.
carhill Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Yes, a matter of respect for the OP's time and feelings. If it did not bother her, she would not have complained about it. That said, the OP has her own issues with betrayal in her past, so she should acknowledge them and be straightforward about that with her current BF. If he respects her, he will keep any communications with his X, in addition to being friendly and cordial (only), out of her presence. Really, the only other alternative, in my view, would be to let him go, work out his feelings without you in his life and then revisit this later. Perhaps, in the interim, you could work on that betrayal vulnerability and also more effectively communicating your needs.
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