Star Gazer Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 I read on my best friend's sister's blog today that their father tried to commit suicide last year. I didn't know this. She did tell me at the time that he was having some serious medical problems (he had to have his leg amputated). This ultimately led him to live at a rehabilitation center until they could get his home set up for a wheelchair and whatnot. She was experiencing some pretty trying times in her marriage at that time as well. I'm so upset that she's not sharing stuff like this with me. What am I here for, if not to support her 150%, unconditionally? It breaks my heart to know that she really hasn't had anyone other than her somewhat unbalanced (but very loving) sister to support her through the difficult times she's been having over the past year simply because she hasn't reached out to anyone. I'm frequently contacting her by phone and/or email (she lives 100 miles away) to check in and catch up, but she rarely responds. When she does, she's over-the-top optimistic about what's going on in her life (whether about her dad's condition, her marriage, life, etc.) - but that's her nature, always seeing the best in every situation and ignoring the bad parts. I always hear about it through our mutual friend or reading about it on her sister's blog. Can I/should I say anything? If so, what?
Tony T Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 (edited) Your best policy will be to pretend you didn't read anything about these events and respect your friend's desire for privacy. People tell others what they want them to know. While it may be disheartening that your friend didn't share this information with you and didn't seek your support, there was a good reason she wanted to keep it to herself. Respect that. Remember this in all things you hear about in your lifetime. People have a right to disclose what they wish. There's always a reason they deem appropriate for themselves. Not now, but sometime in the future...just as an aside...let her know you are always there for her to share whatever she desires with you. She needs to know it's safe. In this particular case, she may very well be embarrassed that she has a close relative who wanted to commit suicide. Many people who don't know better look down on such attempts. Edited March 4, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Star Gazer Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Your best policy will be to pretend you didn't read anything about these events and respect your friend's desire for privacy. People tell others what they want them to know. While it may be disheartening that your friend didn't share this information with you and didn't seek your support, there was a good reason she wanted to keep it to herself. Respect that. Remember this in all things you hear about in your lifetime. People have a right to disclose what they wish. There's always a reason they deem appropriate for themselves. I hadn't thought about it that way. You're very right. Thanks, I'll keep mum. Not now, but sometime in the future...just as an aside...let her know you are always there for her to share whatever she desires with you. She needs to know it's safe. I've done this several times over the years, but it couldn't hurt to do it again. In this particular case, she may very well be embarrassed that she has a close relative who wanted to commit suicide. Many people who don't know better look down on such attempts. Perhaps...
Lishy Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 She had her own reasons for not telling you. She is probably getting help from other friends. Dont mention it to her as she obviously did not want you to know. For her sister to mention it on her blog, it must be common knowledge somewhere, just not to you!
Trimmer Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Star - The other thing to consider, is that by being the friend that you are and having the relationship that you do with her, you may well be providing the best support you can. We get different kinds of support from different people in our lives. My therapist, I can tell about my inner fears, anger, etc. I have "male bonding" buddies with whom I have talked about everything from my recently ended marriage to how much toilet paper we use when we wipe our butts. And there are other people whose support I value just for being friends - close friends - during a difficult time; even though I don't necessarily confide or confess all to them, I still value them for a different kind of support: a prized normality, you might say. I had a friend all through college, who was able to tell me only a few weeks before graduation that he was gay. I was at first a little distressed, because at that time and place, our society in general, and our college environment in particular, were not very welcoming to gays, and my initial reaction was, "I wish I had known, because I would have liked to have been there to support you." And his simple, eloquent, and touching answer was: "You were." Trust and value your friendship, and trust that it has value to your friend as well. You don't have to measure it by whether she shares all with you. You may be an anchor for her, a link to "normality." You may well already be exactly what she needs you to be.
underpants Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Star, Trimmer might have a good point. I have a wonderful friend but she is so guarded. I have known her for over 15 years and am just now (in the last 5 years) learning about some truly upsetting things. I did confront her recently when she went through a terrible patch and told her that it is okay if she ever needed to talk or ask me for any help. That I wished she would let me in before things get so bad. I mean I cry on her shoulder all the time about stupid stuff. So I just let her know that my shoulder was available if she ever needed it. I left it at that. She has reached out more, but she will always be guarded and independent (to a detriment in some areas). I am glad when she does feel like she can talk to me (if and when she wants to). Just be her friend and let her know you are there for her.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 She had her own reasons for not telling you. She is probably getting help from other friends. Dont mention it to her as she obviously did not want you to know. For her sister to mention it on her blog, it must be common knowledge somewhere, just not to you! I don't think it's fair to say that she's purposefully choosing to discuss the matter with people other than me. How would you know?? She really doesn't have any other close friends. She has me, our mutual friend, her husband, sister, and superficial (I say that as in "not close") work-friends.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 Thanks, Trimmer and Unders. That helps. I hope she knows that I am ALWAYS here for her... She's very open with me about everything, just always puts a positive spin on it. Her sister, on the other hand, is an actress (literally) and likes to develop her darker side (does that make sense), which makes me wonder if she's exaggerating the situation to begin with...
konfuzd Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 My guess is that she doesn't want this to become the focus of your relationship. She either doesn't want to burden you and bring you down, or she wants to use you to remember all the positive things she has in her life. Sometimes the best thing a friend can do is help someone forget about their sorrows. She knows that as soon as you know, you'll call her and ask "how are you holding up?" or such, which is natural, since you care about her well being, but it forces her to revisit the pain. Just continue doing what you're doing. If it gets to the point where she needs you, I'm sure you'll be the first to know.
Lishy Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I don't think it's fair to say that she's purposefully choosing to discuss the matter with people other than me. How would you know?? She really doesn't have any other close friends. She has me, our mutual friend, her husband, sister, and superficial (I say that as in "not close") work-friends. You have read what I wrote in the wrong way Star. I said she is probably getting help from other friends. I have alot of friends but only 5 very close friends, out of those 5 I will tell 2 EVERYTHING and I choose what I tell to the other 3 as everybody has different strengths and weaknesses. Some friends are more deep and others are damaged by their own experiences, some offer diplomatic advice whilst others just plough in and say it how it is. I mean that she had her own personal reasons for not telling you or now you have mentioned the sister could have exagerated it may not have even happened! You can either tell her what you have seen and see what she says, or say nothing and forget it. If you are really close friends then she will know you are there for her if she really needs you.
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