taylor3205 Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 I split up with my ex last november because I got violent in alcohol. We were together 10 years and its the first time its ever happened, it wasnt bad violence in the literal sense although all violence is bad. We got back together last week after months of going through hell cos we both loved each other. And what did I do? I got blazing drunk, although I wasnt violent, I never ever would be again, I was talking aggresively because someone had an argument with me earlier in the night and when I got home I was still angry. He has left me again. He says I still have issues which make me drink to the extent I do, I am by no means an alcoholic, I rarely drink but when I do its like binge drinking.....I cant stop. He says this time it will take more than words (ive promised to become t-total). He says we can still see each other now and again and he is still helping with the bills on my place. He said he just cant be with me right now. I am so so scared Ive lost him for good this time. I hate alcohol, I hate myself and I hate my life. I have a lot of work to do. Im just so scared of loosing him for good, I dont think I can go through it again. We are both male by the way, not that that matters in any way shape or form apart from the physical side of things. Have I blew it for good? I really am seriously intent on becoming t-total forever. Alcohol totally changes my personality, I feel like such a bad person! I have never ever once said or done anything nasty to anyone in my life while sober.
Kamille Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Even though you don't consider yourself an alcoholic, alcohol is causing problems in your life. As such, I would suggest that you consider attending an AA meeting to see if it could at least help you figure out the self-hate. I am not familar with AA but I recently joined Al anon to try and figure out why my partner's drinking provoked so much anxiety for me, even though I'm not even sure whether he is an alcoholic or not. It's given me a glimmer of hope that I can understand myself better and help me deal with my own fears.
Queequeg Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 I agree with Kamille, I think you should seek some help with AA. My Mom has been sober for almost 19 years, and I've found everyone at AA to be really accepting and non-judgmental. Do you think that you've hit your lowest point? Are you really ready to change? Please don't go through this alone.
Lizzie60 Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 I think it's typical for an alcoholic to say he/she's not... I think you really need help.. he's been more than patient with you... Your subject line says it all: it IS ruining your life.. take all the steps you need to stop. Throw away all the alcool you have in the house Stay away from bars, from friends who drink Don't buy any.. period. I think there are 12 steps.. (AA, you should go to the meetings, I heard they help a lot).
Author taylor3205 Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 I agree with Kamille, I think you should seek some help with AA. My Mom has been sober for almost 19 years, and I've found everyone at AA to be really accepting and non-judgmental. Do you think that you've hit your lowest point? Are you really ready to change? Please don't go through this alone. Yes I have and yes I am. But I think it is too late with him, I cant imagine a future without him.
Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Yes I have and yes I am. But I think it is too late with him, I cant imagine a future without him. I think you are dealing with two seperate issues here. 1) The fact that you lose control when you drink alcohol 2) The fact that you are heartboken. As to imagining a future without him, there is one taylor. This all happened for a reason, so that you could learn about yourself and learn why you get agressive when you drink. Take time to take stock. Get help, whether through therapy or through group counselling to figure out where your anger stems from. You have the power to change that, but you will need to work for that change.
mark982 Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 taylor,you are having some serious issues w/ alchol. AA does wonders,but "you" have to want to quit.you can not quit for someone! good luck
Author taylor3205 Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 (edited) Hi, Thank you for all the replies. I feel like such a failure at the moment and deserve nothing, but I guess I just have to look forward and concentrate on the future and not dwell on the past. I feel so guilty. I have been in touch with AA and I am going to attend a meeting very soon. Even if I dont get the ex back I think I need to do this for me. I am also seeing an alcohol counsellor next tuesday at 5pm. I need to do something..........this is one of the LOWEST points of my life to date. I even think it is best that I dont try reconcile with my ex, if it was meant to be then Im sure we will find ourselves together again at some point in the future. I am so grateful for this board, I find myself reading it daily. It has helped me through so much. Lifes so damn hard sometimes!! Edited March 7, 2008 by taylor3205
Queequeg Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Glad to hear about your plans, taylor. Do you have something to do over the weekend? Be sure to keep yourself busy until Tuesday. Take care, -Queequeg
mark982 Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 great news taylor! i wish you the best of luck. it's a rough road,but well worth it.
City_girl Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Hi Taylor. I can empathise with your predicament and your thread. I come from a long line of alcoholics and have been to meeting etc as an adult child of an alcoholic, even took to the drink myself at one point but have not touched a single drop for 10 years. I think your ex is absolutely right. If you have genuinely hit rock bottom you will know because the thought of a drink will become abhorrent to you. If you keep drinking you haven't quite hit the bottom yet, scarey thought eah?. It can and does get much much worse than it is now. I watched my mother throw her life down the drain and watched her die of alcohol induced cancer of the liver aged 56. She had, with her drinking, ruined the lives of her children and by her death her grandchildren who would never have her there. The problems don't go away when the drinking stops, in some ways it gets worse before it gets better because you start to feel again. It's worth the fight though. Make sure you get some psychological support as well as the AA 12 step group if you can.
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