Story from the OW

[Kingsburybear]

I've been reading for a while and felt the need to tell my story, I'm not excusing myself or him, just explaining.

I am the OW and have been on and off for over 30 years. We met when we where very young and single and dated. At the time neither of us was ready for commitment. Miscommunication, immaturity, a lot of things led to us not staying together. We were lovers companions and very close friends as well. We dated each other while we where dating our future spouses as well. We both married other people and the story should have ended. After a short time we ended up back together. Several children later I left my marriage, not for my love, but for my own reasons about not loving my H. My love and I continued seeing each other and at the time I was headstrong and wanted him to leave as well. He had 3 young children and wouldn't. I left him and met someone else, asking him not to contact me for any reason. I was in love with him and felt I couldn't move on with him even as a friend in my life. Problems arose, because people began telling his W about us and it made it hard for us to be together as she was always watching.

At times we stepped back into each others lives during times of need, death, illness and job problems. He even went behind my back and called in favors to get my husband at the time his job back, so I would not lose health insurance during pregnancy.

During the time we where apart him and his wife split, but I didn't know, he believed I was happily married.

My husband knew of our relationship and always blamed that I never loved him as I did my love. Sadly he was right, though I was not cheating.

My love reconciled with his wife and went on with his life as I did mine, running into each other occasionally and always loving each other. Our relationship was never much of a secret in a small town.

Two years ago and another child later, I decided to leave my 2cd marriage. My husband was abusive and a drunk and I had enough. Though it was neither of our intention my love and I reconnected yet again and the love was still as strong as ever.

He is unhappy and has been for years. He stays because of commitment, responsibility, and financial reasons. He also has a daughter with special needs.

We spend as much time as possible together, speak on a private cell and travel together. Even when we where apart, he was out all the time, stayed away from home often and lived his own life apart from his W. This left us a lot of room to be together.

I have always loved him and him me as well. There is no reason to put pressure on him, I have his heart and always have. She has his name. No lies, no empty promises. I don't push for anything other than his love.

My former husband out of anger and revenge, called and told her of our affair, and she again became watchful and suspicious. She made it harder for us to be together and we had to back off a little and find easier ways to be together. He had to convince her we are just friends, though she is not sure. But he has assured her we have no more contact. She does search the phone bill and threaten to follow him, but she never does, as long as he is home by morning, she believes he is at a bar, or playing cards or in a diner.

And we are still together. There is no reason for him to lie to me or me him. He is always there for me when I need him for support. I have a good job and support myself and my children, so I don't need his money. He treats me better than either of my husbands ever did and is my lover, companion and best friend, as I am his.

Would I like a happy ending, of course, but I will not push for it. I am happy and content being with the man I love. I love making him happy, and he goes out of his way to make me happy.

He gave me space when I asked for it, and I am doing the same for him. If the status quo stays this way for the rest of my life, I am content.

I believe she knows about us, as he has said, we have been connected together too many times for her not to, but she stays as does he.

It isn't always easy, no life is, but there are two sides to every story. Do I like her, no, she has always refused to work and has an easy life, even when he works multiple jobs. She likes the lifestyle and probably will not leave it. I have no respect for women like her, but then again, I'm sure she has no respect for someone like me. We all have our own reasons for why we live the lives we do and make the choices we do.

I respect my loves choices and his commitment to his family, and in a warped way his marriage as well.

Me I choose happiness over misery, I've experienced both and we make each other happy.

I chose to leave 2 bad marriages, he chooses to stay. His choice, not mine.

I choose to let him have the "best of both worlds".

Am I a home wrecker? No, if he chooses to leave, I'm here, if he chooses not to, I am still here.

As I said, she has his name, I have had his heart for most of my life as he has mine. I have the better of the two.

Nothing in this life is black and white.

[JustBreathe]

So... why are you posting? If you're comfortable with how you're living your life, then why are you reading and posting here?

[Owl]

I'd suggest that you post on the OW/OM board, but honestly you should expect that many people aren't likely to respond favorably to your thread...because this site is frequented by BS's (betrayed spouses) like myself and others. You're likely to get a lot of negative feedback from people who won't agree with your actions/viewpoint on your affair with this man.

 

I'm not bashing you, I'm being honest about what you're likely to see here, and suggest that you prepare yourself for it.

[LakesideDream]

Kingsburybear, and justbreath.

 

I think the lady is posting to see it in print, for comfort. It makes it more real. I understand her story completely, and in this case, I am withholding judgement. As many know my ex gaslighted me for 25 years, in almost the same way her man is doing to his wife, although over longer distances. It only lasted 25 years because I was done as soon as it was admitted.

 

Since the divorce I've had a 7 year LD affiar with my first love. Her husband has no clue. On and off, very sparing... blah blah. I am currently in the middle of a total move and lifestyle change to make it "short distance". Is it wrong, sure, it's indefensible. Then why? I've run out of unhappyness to offer. She will be very suprised when she finds we are neighbors (less than 10 miles).

 

Kingsburybear, I hope his children are not hurt by you two. Mine were both adults when it discovery came to my ex. I know the emptiness you sometimes feel. I know that sometimes you wake up in the morning and say, "I'm so sad" privately to yourself when you are alone. I know you bite your lip and smile when you should be balling. I know my ex felt that way over her long term lover, and I hate her for it. I know I feel that way about mine sometimes, and I'm sad.

[JustBreathe]

Oh geez. Cry me a river. Sorry Lakeside, I just don't see how having been through it yourself, you would do that to another man. But your life is your own and we each live it however we please. Good luck to you both.

[carhill]

While I think the OP has a great book here, perhaps in the romance novel genre, I do wonder why, if their connection was so complete, they didn't agree to end their respective non-satisfying relationships with others and be together.

 

It sounds to me like they're both more addicted to drama and the neurochemical high attendant. I can certainly appreciate that

[whichwayisup]

Am I a home wrecker? No, if he chooses to leave, I'm here, if he chooses not to, I am still here.

As I said, she has his name, I have had his heart for most of my life as he has mine. I have the better of the two.

Nothing in this life is black and white.

 

You may not be a homewrecker, but you are wrecking yourself by settling to be the OW, his side dish forever.

 

Godforbid he is in an accident, ends up in the hospital. You think he'll call you? Or do you think he'll call his wife and kids to come to his side? Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just all you're getting is a 'fantasy' life with him, the good stuff - why would he want to give that stuff up? He can have TWO women in his life!

 

You're settling for someone else's table scraps. Though, I believe from what you've said, you're happy enough and fine being the OW.

[LakesideDream]

While I think the OP has a great book here, perhaps in the romance novel genre, I do wonder why, if their connection was so complete, they didn't agree to end their respective non-satisfying relationships with others and be together.

 

It sounds to me like they're both more addicted to drama and the neurochemical high attendant. I can certainly appreciate that

 

 

Sounds good. Sadly sport, I can tell you without any question that I've been over the "attendant neurochemical high" for 6+ years. It just ain't there. It's a loneliness situation, a craving that I havent conquered. It's probably a weakness of character. Sadly, at 57+ years of age it's unlikely I will survive long enough to undergo an extensive character "make over".

 

I lived my life playing by the rules. Obviously I was working uphill. The rest of the people in my aquaintance wern't playing by any rules.

[NoIDidn't]

I am not a romantic. Never have been. Never will be.

 

Not to bash this newbie in any way, but all I see is a wasted life.

 

Marrying men that she obviously didn't love, and then complaining (calling them abusive or whatever) when they didn't love her. And constantly running back to a man who refuses to leave his W and kids.

 

We women really have it hard in life when we think with our hearts and not with the brain that God gave us.

 

Thirty wasted years. Pity.

 

One day, this man will die and leave his family and friends behind. And while, Kingsbury may be invited to the funeral, no one will acknowledge her part in his life. It will be as if she never existed. No one should live in that way. No one.

[carhill]

Sounds good. Sadly sport, I can tell you without any question that I've been over the "attendant neurochemical high" for 6+ years. It just ain't there. It's a loneliness situation, a craving that I havent conquered. It's probably a weakness of character. Sadly, at 57+ years of age it's unlikely I will survive long enough to undergo an extensive character "make over".

 

I lived my life playing by the rules. Obviously I was working uphill. The rest of the people in my aquaintance wern't playing by any rules.

 

Yep, I can appreciate that, though a few years shy of your age. I court women and don't reach into their panties. Most men do. I sat at home alone a lot for years after trying to build relationships with women who (almost globally) fall for the smooth-talking BS'ers of the world and then spew the vitriol of abuse and despair in my face. Married women used me for an emotional receptacle (yes, I allowed it; my fault) to satisfy their craving for a man who would value their emotions. Perhaps we have more in common than is visible at first blush

 

The main difference is I have no problem being alone. Only child

 

Perhaps that's why my marriage has lasted as long as it has.....

 

I hate the neurochemical high but it still comes around now and again, so I just fight it. I envy you in that regard.

[LakesideDream]

Yep, I can appreciate that, though a few years shy of your age. I court women and don't reach into their panties. Most men do. I sat at home alone a lot for years after trying to build relationships with women who (almost globally) fall for the smooth-talking BS'ers of the world and then spew the vitriol of abuse and despair in my face. Married women used me for an emotional receptacle (yes, I allowed it; my fault) to satisfy their craving for a man who would value their emotions. Perhaps we have more in common than is visible at first blush

 

The main difference is I have no problem being alone. Only child

 

Perhaps that's why my marriage has lasted as long as it has.....

 

I hate the neurochemical high but it still comes around now and again, so I just fight it. I envy you in that regard.

 

 

Carhill, It's not that I don't want to feel the "neurochemical" feelings, I do. I have felt them since my marriage ended. With one person, a person I had known for 30 years. A person who was married. Did I choose that path? No.

 

I clearly remember a moment, sitting chatting normally eating dinner at the kitchen table, two months before my ex's ultra long term infidelity was discovered. She was commenting on a situation in a mutual friends marriage, where a single man we knew broke up a childless couple also friends of ours, who had been together for 20 years. My ex railed endlessly over the heartless "homewrecker" A few days later she left for a long weekend, visiting our daughter at school in another state (3 hours with our daughter, 4 days with her LT affair partner). One of many such trips. I spent the weekend installing cabinets in the kitchen, painting, and finding and selecting enamal hardware with pink roses emblazooned on them she commented she liked at a friends house. just to add a suprise. I never suspected a thing. Why would I? She took credit for setting the "moral compass" in our 25 year marriage. I was the Marine, the tough business guy she had "socialized".

 

I've tried, I really have. I've dated some nice gals, who I'd like to have friendships with... and do share a lasting friendship with one. I've dated a couple that I learned enough about to stop dating. I haven't found one in seven years that I'd rather have fallen asleep with than my friend (recently deseased) Mr. Kitty.

 

It's very depressing to date a bunch and not feel the "neurochemical reaction" you proffer. Sadly I have decided to fight for what I want, and let the chips fall where they will.

Edited March 5, 2008 by LakesideDream

[twice_shy]

Am I a home wrecker?

 

Yes

 

 

No, if he chooses to leave, I'm here, if he chooses not to, I am still here.

As I said, she has his name, I have had his heart for most of my life as he has mine. I have the better of the two.

Nothing in this life is black and white.

 

For his wife's sake I hope he does leave. Then she should take him for all she can and move on with a decent man that won't betray her with some other "woman".

[carhill]

I haven't found one in seven years that I'd rather have fallen asleep with than my friend (recently deseased) Mr. Kitty.

 

I have Mrs Kitty right here on the bed beside me and understand exactly what you mean.

 

On-topic, I've often wondered why women leave the men they've put so much effort into, and seen the results from, for something new. With the stereotypical gender roles reversed in my marriage, I can speculate. For me, it's an issue of "mattering", almost at an essential emotional level. It's like I can perceive I don't matter, even in marked contrast to periodic/sporadic expressions of attention and affection. It's like, if I died, she'd miss what I did and not who I was. This has been the most difficult concept for our psychologist to convey to her in therapy.

 

Your circumstance is markedly different and I empathize. I opine my aversion to the "neurochemical high" is due to such overwhelming my nervous system and essentially wrecking me. The same thing wouldn't affect my wife in the least, kinda like a mild buzz (her) versus being drunk (me).

 

I understand how the women you've met since your divorce could not compare to the connection that you still have with your first love. It might have always been there, even during your long marriage. I offer no judgement because I currently battle a similar circumstance and it strains my moral code to its limit. Good luck with your move

[LakesideDream]

Carhill, you've sussed it out, however I have posted it before. I had the feelings, buring, not so deeply since 1967. Those feeling never surfaced during my marriage, until the very end.

 

The "situation" has "strained" my "moral code" for seven years. It finally broke. Adapt, Overcome, Improvise.

[angelj]

I've been an OW before...

 

Never with a MM...only in juvenile affairs before I realized there was definitely a pattern...and something wrong with the OW way of thinking...

 

Although we are more than a few years apart in age...and your story (like many others) is on an entirely other level than any of mine...I can still see and understand where you may be coming from.

 

Being an OW feels so satisfying for the most part...you think you have found this man who is so full of goodness and love and admiration blah blah blah..when in reality (which was the hardest thing for me to face until it slapped me in the face) you really are just living a fantasy lifestyle. For some reason, the excitement of the attraction between a woman and an involved man feels so strong and unique, it manipulates ones thinking into believing holy crap, this must be my one and only! It is not unique whatsoever. Yes strong...yes for real...BUT How can it really be so fulfilling and complete if this other man is sharing you with another woman? And justifying the situation just means you are living in denial. I've done my fair share of justifications myself..."He can't leave, they have a home together...he can't leave, they have a newborn...he is just too comfortable...it's hard to leave someone you have been with for so long..."

 

I say bull ish.

 

If it were me in the other situation, actually...let me rephrase that. I would not put myself IN such a situation. The first second I don't feel right about a relationship/dating scenario, I get out. And fellas, agree with me or disagree..but from my experience...when a dude really wants something, he goes for it. Balls to the wall, 100%. And if he doesn't, and he just sits around having his cake and eating it too...well he's obviously not man enough for me.

 

The post that really should be a wake up call was quoted something like "...you may be invited to his funeral...but you will not be acknowledged as a part of his life, unlike his wife. you will be forgotten. so on and so forth..." oh so true.

 

Who knows what truly goes on behind closed doors? Sure he is your love and you are his,you are always there. You are a constant high, a feeling of goodness, you don't have to nag about the bills...or his bad habits. You are fun, loving, exciting. There is a spark, damn right. Two people can certainly be attracted to each other and get along famously, despite any other loose ends...But there ARE ups and downs in love...there are good and bad times that must be experienced, unlike your fantasy scenario...sure you justify this situation by saying to yourself, "i have his heart and she has his name" but he chose HER to have his name and bear his children...doesn't anyone agree that actions speak volumes louder than words? If you are his true love and his one & only, shouldn't you deserve the perks his wife has been given?

 

When instead, she is his main course and you are the added-calorie, extra side dish on the a la carte menu...sometimes pricey, tastes damn good, but not affordable or necessary, or even desirable 100 % of the time.

 

You mentioned a marriage to a drunk...abusive? Have you ever involved yourself in a relationship that does not bring the drama?

[whichwayisup]

Angelj, that was an excellent post reply. I really hope some of what you've said sinks in around here.

[angelj]

Thanks...

 

I truly hope some of what I said sinks in too. It's so frustrating to read stories like these, as I once had a few of my own.

 

What strikes me as funny is how wrapped up in these situations I always became in my past...I spent so much time justifying them, how was I ever really enjoying them?

 

I guess I feel I had a lot to say because I (recently) was allmooostt suckered into another such situation. Luckily, I kept my head on right this time and nothing lead past a friendship. We don't communicate anymore.

 

As with dropping anyone you have once cared about, it is extremely saddening and difficult, but like another member posted earlier in this thread (which went something like,) "...a shame women don't use the brain God gave them when instead enduring such pain by always following their heart." If I followed my heart a few months ago, I would have entered a situation involving not only another women, a home that was shared, an engagement and a scenario that involved a newborn child.

 

I don't care how unhappy he seemed to be, or how wrong they appeared and how right we felt, that was nowhere near my place to touch with a 10 foot pole. Not only for him, for the real girlfriend (does anyone think about her, as miserable as she may be?) the BABY, and my own heart..which should always be your number one priority because it certainly isn't anyone elses.

 

I am a dreamer. I do believe in true love and that butterfly feeling of electric excitement. But I have also realized that I deserve all of that and more than some dude who can't get it together enough to man up and ditch his girl for me. I know someone else out there believes in fidelity these days...we aren't all programmed monkeys who swing from relationship to relationship...at times teetering between the two, ensuring ourselves we have something soft and reliable to land on?

 

At least I hope not.

 

I would love to start a movement

[Jess-Belle]

I don't care how unhappy he seemed to be, or how wrong they appeared and how right we felt, that was nowhere near my place to touch with a 10 foot pole.

 

Thank you!! Somebody gets it!! :bunny:

[herenow]

Wow, just wow! This is an expression of love that I will never understand. But, I get the idea that this poster isn't into what I think, she just wants to make her point that she is the only person in this man's heart and she wants to shout it to the world. Too bad she can't actually shout it to everyone in real life. Well, like I have always said, LS is a public forum and if it helps this poster to tell some strangers on a infidelity forum that she has found true love with a man who is married to another woman, then good for her.

 

How blissful it must be to not have to worry about others who may get hurt. I guess it's OK that his wife be left in that dark because, well, you just don't like her. Sounds like perfect bliss to me, I wish you well.

 

If you say you are happy, who am I to tell you otherwise? Congratulations on living your dream life!

Edited March 5, 2008 by herenow

[Kingsburybear]

I'm not justifying anything. I am saying that there are two sides to every story.

I am acknowledged in public, as I said it is a small town and we do see each other in public. We go out together as a couple and always have.

His wife is also not in the dark. She has known I exist for many years. She plays games to make it harder for us to spend time together, but still chooses not to actually be a part of her husbands life.

She told him point blank she does not want a divorce, but will make his life a living hell, and she is trying.

As for his name it was offered to me years ago. I turned him down. We where both too young. After him and I split she got pregnant so he married her.

She has known from day one that I and not her am the love of his life, and always was. I know this not just from him, but from mutual friends of both of us.

There is no fantasy, she puts him in debt and I am the one he complains to. It is not always bliss, there is reality, we do argue as any other two people. We discuss and give each other opinions on work our kids, bills and every other aspect of our lives.

Will I be welcomed at the funeral? No she will not allow me through the door. My time there will be private as the funeral director is an old friend of ours. I hope that day is very far away.

Will I be forgotten. Who cares, when he is gone, my heart will be broken. She can play the merry widow, because it won't matter any more.

There is no drama for us. Our life is fairly quiet.

I take full responsibility for my choices and my marriages. I did not leave my ex husbands for him but because I got tired of supporting them. I had the job and they didn't really like to work. So I got to work, and take care of the house and kids. Might as well not have them in my life at all.

All I'm trying to say is that there are two sides to every story. She isn't blindsided. She has known the shape of her marriage for years. If anything he is happier and easier to deal with, now that we are back in each others lives.

No one person is ever to blame and no one can break up or harm a good marriage.

[herenow]

Well, like I said congratulations on finding the love of your life. I'm sure I just misread the following line of your first post:

 

"She does search the phone bill and threaten to follow him, but she never does, as long as he is home by morning, she believes he is at a bar, or playing cards or in a diner."

 

You don't have to worry about any kind of contradiction, because I certainly won't hold you accountable for your words or your actions. Why should I treat you any differently than you treat yourself? Once again, who am I to tell you that you are doing anything wrong? Carry on, I'm just a wife who needs to go pick up her kids now. See ya.

[Kingsburybear]

Well, like I said congratulations on finding the love of your life. I'm sure I just misread the following line of your first post:

 

"She does search the phone bill and threaten to follow him, but she never does, as long as he is home by morning, she believes he is at a bar, or playing cards or in a diner."

 

You don't have to worry about any kind of contradiction, because I certainly won't hold you accountable for your words or your actions. Why should I treat you any differently than you treat yourself? Once again, who am I to tell you that you are doing anything wrong? Carry on, I'm just a wife who needs to go pick up her kids now. See ya.

 

There is no contradiction. She tells him "to be careful if his little friend is there" when he goes out, saying he never knows when she will show up to take pictures". The phone bill is another thing she holds over his thread , not as proof to her, but for an attorney, should she want one.

She chooses not to get the proof and keep things as they are. If she had pictures she might have to act on them.

At our age giving up more than half of everything you have worked for all of these years is not an easy choice. He would like to retire in a few years. I am not after his money. I have worked all my life, my pension will be mine. She hasn't, not because she was staying home being a Mom, the kids where in school. She has never liked to work, and if he could let her stay home, he could basically do as he pleased.

 

And for your information, its not just a wife thing to pick up their kids, its a Mom thing. I too have to drive and care for my children. And for your information, she doesn't bother, she has others do it for her.

 

And for the record, I hold myself completely accountable for my actions.

Edited March 5, 2008 by Kingsburybear
forgot something

[Kingsburybear]

Let's see one 30 year cheater, one abuser(or did I read that wrong) and lazy. Well, you taste in men leaves a lot to be desired. What do you think it is that attracts this sort of man to you? Have you ever been with a man who isn't a bust?

 

You're right my taste in men has a lot to be desired.

 

No you read it right. I didn't know my ex husband was an alcoholic until after the birth of our son. He didn't become abusive until after I began having a problem with his drinking and not working.

I also didn't know my first husband was lazy until after he lost his job and did nothing to get another one.

I always liked my job, so the less they worked the more I did. Someone had to pay the bills. If they where willing to switch roles and assume the household responsibilities while I worked, it might have been ok, but one partner should not be responsible for everything.

I'm not excusing the one you refer to as the cheater, but he works and works hard. Since she doesn't, she should be responsible for the house and kids.

Being a stay at home Mom or housewife is work as well, but it is also a job and is not about going out all day or watching TV.

Any marriage is a partnership and laziness, whether from my ex husbands or his wife is unacceptable.

[JustBreathe]

That wife sounds like a real piece of work!

 

She's twisted!! She knows he has a woman he considers the love of his life as they do not hide their relationship. She doesn't want to be in her H's life, but she would rather make him miserable than grant him a divorce so he can have a happy ending. She plays games solely to make it harder for them to be together. Even though she's known about the star crossed lovers for years, the man lies to her and say they're only friends. You would think since the adulterous relationship is out in the open, she wouldn't care so why would he lie? Of course! He HAS to lie in order save himself from further abuse at the hands of the wretched beast! Oh weep!

 

She's a clinging vine! He is constantly out, all night sometimes, hanging out at the bars, playing cards or sitting in a diner. He cheats on her openly, parades his true love around town, and is hardly home, yet that pesky wife clings to him like saran wrap. Just to make everyone miserable!

 

She is stupid! She believes him when he says he's drinking at the bar or playing cards instead of boinking his girlfriend when he comes home and slides into bed in the wee hours of the morn. She buys it every time. What a stupe!

 

She's deceptive! He was such a catch with his drunken card playing philandering self that she got pregnant just so he could marry her. What a rotten thing to do!

 

What a sneak she is! She hides in the bushes and follows them around with her camera snapping pictures of them together, gathering her evidence. She sifts through the bills and receipts, making notes and saving evidence just so she can give him hell as he goes out the door one day. And check this out: Even with all this evidence, she is not sure he's seeing the OW and only gets suspicious when she hears rumours from mutual friends. She would never make it in the CIA.

 

She's a lazy no good! She's put him into debt with her spendthrift ways!

 

Why can't he just go down to the county courthouse and get some divorce papers without her permission or approval? Because he stands to lose so much! Namely, the wretched dismal existence that is his marriage to this hateful heartless woman.

 

---- I wonder who's been feeding her this b.s.! hahahahahah!!!

[Mr. Lucky]

No one person is ever to blame and no one can break up or harm a good marriage.

Not true. Either one of the marital participants can break up a good marriage. By Cheating. With an OW or OM. For 30 years.

 

That will usually put a crimp in any relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky