Am I overreacting?

[daisygirl]

Need some honesty here. I am starting to realize that I often overreact/take things too personally, but I want to see what you all think of this.

 

Background: My H is Muslim, lived in the US for 5.5 years now, we've been married for 5 years. I am one of those people that doesn't really "claim" a religion, I believe in God, but can't say I agree with all aspects of one particular religion. The closest I've ever come is attending a Methodist church (before I met my H). When we first met, religion wasn't an issue. He's not super strict on his religion, so it didn't cause any problems. When we decided to have a baby, we agreed that we would still maintain separate religions and teach our child both and let him decide his own religion when that time came. However, while I was pregnant, my H asked that I did not eat pork so that our baby would not be consuming it as well. No problem for me, never really liked it that much anyway, so I refrained for 9 months, totally agreeing that this was only fair, in case our son decided to be Muslim, he would know that he never consumed pork (I still do not give our son pork, he's now 2 y/o).

 

Am I making sense so far??

 

Ok, so fast forward to now. Since having our son, I've eaten pork maybe 2-3 times, not because of religion, but as I said before, I never really cared for it anyway. I would NEVER let our son eat it and I never cook it at home, it was just while I was out at parties, etc. Well, yesterday my H, my son and I were at a restaurant and I wanted to order a dish that had sausage in it. My H couldn't believe I would do such a thing. He thought I wasn't eating pork anymore. I told him I refrained while pregnant, but since I had eaten it before the baby, I never really saw any reason to stop now. He asked if I ate it on a regular basis, I told him no, only a few times (ie. on pizza). He still couldn't believe it and said that since I married a Muslim man that I should respect his religion and not eat pork. He said he thinks it's disgusting and since he's kissing me, it's like he's eating it. I decided on another dish, just to avoid a silly argument, but it still bothers me that he is trying to make me feel guilty for my food choices. The way I see it, is that it was never an issue before, why now? Before our son, he never asked me, brought it up....nothing. He finally said, "nevermind, i don't care what you eat", but I could tell by the tone of his voice that he does care.

 

Now this is certainly not the only communication problem we have, just a small one. I'm just kind of wondering if I should just shut up and not worry about it and stop eating pork because he wants me to, or am I right to want to stand my ground?

[daisygirl]

does anyone have any input??

[mysocalledlife]

It sounds like you need to have a good talk with your H. It could be that while he was not very religious before, having a child may have changed his views and renewed or strengthened his beliefs. If that is the case, this situation may be just the tip of the iceberg, and the two of you will need to have some real communication.

 

It could also be that while he agreed to respect both sets of beliefs, such agreement was only half-hearted. How would your H react if the situation were reversed? Would he honour your religious beliefs?

 

ETA - Personally, I don't think you are overreacting, especially since you mention there are other communication problems.

Edited March 5, 2008 by mysocalledlife

[daisygirl]

It sounds like you need to have a good talk with your H. It could be that while he was not very religious before, having a child may have changed his views and renewed or strengthened his beliefs. If that is the case, this situation may be just the tip of the iceberg, and the two of you will need to have some real communication.

 

It could also be that while he agreed to respect both sets of beliefs, such agreement was only half-hearted. How would your H react if the situation were reversed? Would he honour your religious beliefs?

 

ETA - Personally, I don't think you are overreacting, especially since you mention there are other communication problems.

 

Thanks for the response

 

I did try to talk to him about this, and as usual, things got ugly and that was when he finally said he didn't care anymore. I think what bothers me the most is that this was never an issue before. I don't even want to bring it up again because he gets super defensive and angry when I bring things up again (I get defensive too....part of our communication problems). Since I don't have any strong religious beliefs, I don't know if he would honor mine. I guess it would depend on what it was.

[StartingOver07]

I think mscl is on the right track here.

 

I have had a few friends/acquaintances who married men from very different cultures. Initially, these guys were very open and accepting and not particularly "into" their own culture. Over time, this changed.

 

All I can say is that I think you are right to be concerned and definitely do not move out of the US with your H. In fact, I would think twice about traveling to his home country at all. Don't know if this has come up but that's just my $.02.

 

I found the comment about not wanting to kiss you because of what you'd eaten particularly off-putting.

[daisygirl]

I think mscl is on the right track here.

 

I have had a few friends/acquaintances who married men from very different cultures. Initially, these guys were very open and accepting and not particularly "into" their own culture. Over time, this changed.

 

All I can say is that I think you are right to be concerned and definitely do not move out of the US with your H. In fact, I would think twice about traveling to his home country at all. Don't know if this has come up but that's just my $.02.

 

I found the comment about not wanting to kiss you because of what you'd eaten particularly off-putting.

 

Thanks for the input. We have quite a few other problems going on right now, as well. I have been contemplating divorce, and told him this a couple months ago, and since then, he seems to be getting more and more conservative I don't know if he's just trying to piss me off, or what...

 

He just got his US citizenship last year, so I really don't think he's a flight risk. I would never, ever move to his home country - nothing against it....just, no way! And we've visited there twice - once before we had our son and once w/our son.

 

This is just a good example of how we're growing apart. He's getting more into his religion, and I am feeling more like I don't want to conform to his beliefs.

[Storyrider]

I think this is a panic-driven power play on his part. He feels you pulling back and is overcompensating to try and regain control.

 

However, it is hard for a westerner to judge what a Muslim is thinking--the culture is just so different.

[AlwaysTomorrow]

Is there a possibility that you've been controlling in this relationship and he's trying to throw it back in your face? Regardless, he KNEW before marriage that you do not share his religious beliefs. HE SHOULD RESPECT THAT!!

[Mr. Lucky]

but it still bothers me that he is trying to make me feel guilty for my food choices.

 

But it's not just a "food" choice, rather a cultural and religious one as well. No different than what you might have run into with "meatless" Fridays were your Husband Catholic.

 

I guess I'm surprised that you guys didn't work this our ahead of time. In your mind, were issues like this discussed and settled?

 

Mr. Lucky

[justpassingthrough]

You are not "of the Book" + You are not raising your child Muslim + You eat pork in front of him?

 

You are as far apart as a Muslim can be from their partner in a marriage, I'm afraid.

[TechDude]

Need some honesty here. I am starting to realize that I often overreact/take things too personally, but I want to see what you all think of this.

 

Background: My H is Muslim, ... When we decided to have a baby, we agreed that we would still maintain separate religions and teach our child both and let him decide his own religion when that time came.

...

Ok, so fast forward to now.

...

Well, yesterday my H, my son and I were at a restaurant and I wanted to order a dish that had sausage in it. My H couldn't believe I would do such a thing. He thought I wasn't eating pork anymore. ... He ... said that since I married a Muslim man that I should respect his religion and not eat pork.

 

I missed the part where he respected your choice of "no religion". He knew this before he married you. You never suggested at any time you would adopt Muslim ways or convert to Islam.

 

You knew you were marrying a Muslim although I doubt you fully understood what this really meant (based on your other posts about your whirlwind marriage). So, yes you respect his right to follow the teachings of his religion, but that does not mean you have to adopt them. The same applies to him.

 

Now, the Bible, in relation to Christians, advises against being "unequally yoked" to an unbeliever. Situations like yours are an example of the issues that arise. I'd be really surprised if the Koran did not make similar admonitions.

 

So, the way I see it, your husband has already disregarded some aspects of his religion simply by marrying you. He now has to live with the consequences of his choice. One of those consequences is learning to live harmoniously with someone who does not follow the same teachings as he does.

 

As you profess believe in God but follow no particular religion (save that discussion for another day), you are basically free to follow whatever moral compass you choose to use. That is not to say your choices don't have consequences as well.

 

However, you also married someone who follows very specific teachings (even if you did not understand them), so you have to expect that there will be issues. One of those issues is how to live harmoniously with a Muslim. No, he does not have the right to expect you to follow the same rules. However, out of love and a desire to live harmoniously, you may well have to (and probably should) make some compromises. Not eating pork may well be one of those things that you chose to do to show your love for him. Not because there is anything wrong with eating pork, but because you want to demonstrate your love and support for your husband. You would be demonstrating your love by showing support for his right to practice his religion.

 

Now, I would suggest that you discuss this with him. Make it clear to him that you have different beliefs and eating pork is not a problem for you. If you choose to, tell him that you will choose to not eat pork (nor Pizza with salami) because you love him and want to show that love and support. Let him know that he knew you weren't Muslim and he should not expect you to follow Muslim rules. You are not Muslim. You did not agree to follow Islam. However, this one thing you will do for him out of love. This does not give him the right to start inflicting other rules on you.

 

Every marriage involves compromise, whether or not different religions are involved. Showing love may sometimes involve giving something up in order to bring out the best in our spouse.

 

Offer some give and take. If there is something he wants you to do (or not do) because of his religion, then tell him you are prepared to discuss it as long as he is also prepared to consider compromises to demonstrate his love for you.

 

A word of warning though, if it is only one partner making all the compromises, it will not work.

 

Every time he throws something at you regarding respecting his religion, you can gently and lovingly explain that the same also applies in reverse ... let's talk about compromise for both partners.

[daisygirl]

Thanks for all the responses!!

 

 

Did you marry to christian vows? Seeing he just got his citizenship does he want to stay married?

 

We had a civil ceremony, and yes, he wants to stay married - I am the one that is wanting out of the marriage at this point (lots of other issues going on).

 

I think this is a panic-driven power play on his part. He feels you pulling back and is overcompensating to try and regain control.

 

However, it is hard for a westerner to judge what a Muslim is thinking--the culture is just so different.

 

It is a very different culture. I respect it and don't judge it, but I am starting to realize that there are some things I don't want to compromise on. That may be wrong of me, but I can't help the way I feel.

 

Is there a possibility that you've been controlling in this relationship and he's trying to throw it back in your face? Regardless, he KNEW before marriage that you do not share his religious beliefs. HE SHOULD RESPECT THAT!!

 

Me, controlling? I never thought of myself as controlling, but maybe I am and just don't realize it. I am in IC and we are starting MC next week, so maybe more things will come into light through the counselling.

 

But it's not just a "food" choice, rather a cultural and religious one as well. No different than what you might have run into with "meatless" Fridays were your Husband Catholic.

 

I guess I'm surprised that you guys didn't work this our ahead of time. In your mind, were issues like this discussed and settled?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well, for me, it is just a food choice. And yes, in my mind, I thought it was settled. I never cooked in in the house out of respect for him, but I didn't think it would matter if I ate it on occasion. Why it's just now becoming a problem, I don't know.

 

You are not "of the Book" + You are not raising your child Muslim + You eat pork in front of him?

 

You are as far apart as a Muslim can be from their partner in a marriage, I'm afraid.

 

The thing is, he knew all of this before. We only knew each other a month before we got married. This is one major problem for me. We've both changed (especially me, I was only 22 when we got married), and I feel myself pulling away from him more and more. Lesson learned for both of us....get to know someone before you get married. But, before we had a child, none of this was an issue. We never agreed to raise our child as a Muslim, and he knew I would never convert. I feel like we're only staying together because of our son. It's the only thing we have in common.

 

I missed the part where he respected your choice of "no religion". He knew this before he married you. You never suggested at any time you would adopt Muslim ways or convert to Islam.

 

You knew you were marrying a Muslim although I doubt you fully understood what this really meant (based on your other posts about your whirlwind marriage). So, yes you respect his right to follow the teachings of his religion, but that does not mean you have to adopt them. The same applies to him.

 

Now, the Bible, in relation to Christians, advises against being "unequally yoked" to an unbeliever. Situations like yours are an example of the issues that arise. I'd be really surprised if the Koran did not make similar admonitions.

 

So, the way I see it, your husband has already disregarded some aspects of his religion simply by marrying you. He now has to live with the consequences of his choice. One of those consequences is learning to live harmoniously with someone who does not follow the same teachings as he does.

 

As you profess believe in God but follow no particular religion (save that discussion for another day), you are basically free to follow whatever moral compass you choose to use. That is not to say your choices don't have consequences as well.

 

However, you also married someone who follows very specific teachings (even if you did not understand them), so you have to expect that there will be issues. One of those issues is how to live harmoniously with a Muslim. No, he does not have the right to expect you to follow the same rules. However, out of love and a desire to live harmoniously, you may well have to (and probably should) make some compromises. Not eating pork may well be one of those things that you chose to do to show your love for him. Not because there is anything wrong with eating pork, but because you want to demonstrate your love and support for your husband. You would be demonstrating your love by showing support for his right to practice his religion.

 

Now, I would suggest that you discuss this with him. Make it clear to him that you have different beliefs and eating pork is not a problem for you. If you choose to, tell him that you will choose to not eat pork (nor Pizza with salami) because you love him and want to show that love and support. Let him know that he knew you weren't Muslim and he should not expect you to follow Muslim rules. You are not Muslim. You did not agree to follow Islam. However, this one thing you will do for him out of love. This does not give him the right to start inflicting other rules on you.

 

Every marriage involves compromise, whether or not different religions are involved. Showing love may sometimes involve giving something up in order to bring out the best in our spouse.

 

Offer some give and take. If there is something he wants you to do (or not do) because of his religion, then tell him you are prepared to discuss it as long as he is also prepared to consider compromises to demonstrate his love for you.

 

A word of warning though, if it is only one partner making all the compromises, it will not work.

 

Every time he throws something at you regarding respecting his religion, you can gently and lovingly explain that the same also applies in reverse ... let's talk about compromise for both partners.

 

I wish I wanted to compromise, i totally understand that. The problem is, I feel so far away from him emotionally (which I take fault for...I have felt this way for a long time and was too scared to say anything), that I do not feel any desire to change my ways for him now. That's selfish, I know, but I can't change the way I feel. I hope counselling will help us, one way or another.

 

 

ETA: No, I truly did NOT know all about marrying a Muslim when it happened. I was foolish in getting married so quickly to someone (although we now have a beautiful son together, so not all is lost). I know this now. Now I don't want to change, and I feel guilty for that. I guess I just feel stuck. I feel like I want to stay with him only out of guilt and security, when I truly just want to be on my own. I do love him, but I only feel love as a friend.

 

I know I may get flamed for saying all of this, but I am just being honest.

Edited March 5, 2008 by daisygirl

[StartingOver07]

I wish I wanted to compromise, i totally understand that. The problem is, I feel so far away from him emotionally (which I take fault for...I have felt this way for a long time and was too scared to say anything), that I do not feel any desire to change my ways for him now. That's selfish, I know, but I can't change the way I feel. I hope counselling will help us, one way or another.

 

I think this is entirely reasonable. And I think you have compromised while he has not. Just to use the one example you provided: You agreed not to eat pork while pregnant, you also agreed not to prepare it in the home. That is compromise. But he now also wants you to give it up on your pizza (or whatever). Where is the compromise on his side?

 

ETA: No, I truly did NOT know all about marrying a Muslim when it happened. I was foolish in getting married so quickly to someone (although we now have a beautiful son together, so not all is lost). I know this now. Now I don't want to change, and I feel guilty for that. I guess I just feel stuck. I feel like I want to stay with him only out of guilt and security, when I truly just want to be on my own. I do love him, but I only feel love as a friend.

 

I know I may get flamed for saying all of this, but I am just being honest.

 

Yes, getting married quickly didn't help. But, if you've been presenting things realistically here, it seems that the problem is that your H's attitude about his religion has changed since the birth of your son. This is not uncommon for either parent and it's nothing for you to feel guilty about.

 

I hope the IC and MC can help.

[daisygirl]

I think this is entirely reasonable. And I think you have compromised while he has not. Just to use the one example you provided: You agreed not to eat pork while pregnant, you also agreed not to prepare it in the home. That is compromise. But he now also wants you to give it up on your pizza (or whatever). Where is the compromise on his side?

 

 

 

Yes, getting married quickly didn't help. But, if you've been presenting things realistically here, it seems that the problem is that your H's attitude about his religion has changed since the birth of your son. This is not uncommon for either parent and it's nothing for you to feel guilty about.

 

I hope the IC and MC can help.

 

Thanks for the input!!

 

I see what you mean about changing after having a child. Since he is almost preschool age, i have thought about wanting to put him in a church preschool. This is nothing I considered before having him, but now I'd like him to go. But, with my H being Muslim, I don't want to bring it up because he'll never go for it!!

 

 

I think I've decided not to bring any of this up with my H right now. Things are so tense in our relationship right now, and I don't want to stir the pot over something like this. I just wanted to see how far off base I was by not wanting to compromise on this. Thanks for all the advice!

Edited March 5, 2008 by daisygirl