Author midwest Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 As far as making excuses for her, that is not what I am doing. I am fully aware of her fault in what happened as is she. If she had been responsible, none of this would have happened, in spite of what I or anyone else did or didn't do. Neither of us is saying that there is any excuse for what she did. It took her a long time to even fathom the possibility that she could be forgiven. The other side of the coin: Every book I read, every person I talked to who was in this situation and read books or went to counselors, all gave the same advice. You have to accept responsibility for your role in the disaster. The relationship was in a sour state and as 1/2 partner of that relationship I was partly responsible for the condition of the environment we were in. I know this will go against every grain in most people, and at first my thought was "are you f*cking kidding me? I'm the one who was violated.". This wasn't a case of we were both playing it off as a happy couple, we were miserable, and as I said and others said, it was because we simply weren't talking. One item that just came back to me. In addition to telling him that she would never choose him over me, she did say that as soon as I was back in town she intended to repair us. This doesn't mean what she did was remotely ok, it's just there to demonstrate that her heart was still in the game a little. She has told me multiple times that she wishes she could go back in time and not do what she did. The kicker with that statement is that there wasn't any life left in our relationship at that point, so we wouldn't have lasted much longer. This horrible incident is what turned us around. This isn't to say that if we had a rough patch or were having troubles that I think she would go out and do this again as we have both grown a lot from it. Cobra - We have an appointment with a counselor next Wednesday evening. Together first meeting, individually for the next, then back as a couple again from then on out. I agree with what you have written; however, we have agreed to put this stuff on hold for 1 week. I am going to put into my own words what you have written and basically tell the counselor that is how I feel at this point but didn't want to jeopardize things immediately before counseling. I don't know how these things go, but I suspect that this person will see the same things I and everyone in this thread have and raise an eyebrow to her recent behavior. At this point I am prepared to accept the fact that we may not be compatible. She is stubborn, and may not accept what a counselor says. I am prepared for the fact that we may have to go our separate ways, but we have invested a lot of effort into creating ourselves anew. I would feel it foolish to walk out at this point just yet. Please keep in mind this is the first odd behavior I have seen in 1 year, and we have established that it could be innocent just as it could be something very bad. I am not going to make decisions based on possibilities at this point. If I don't see modified behavior to earn my trust and respect (as well as vice versa) as therapy gets underway, then the decision is being made by her actions. She is strong on principal and stubborn. These two things could be what got us where we are and they could also be the two things that prevent us from getting through it.
Geishawhelk Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Midwest, I just need to tell you that when it comes to arranging meetings with counsellors, actually going to see them, or even acknowledging that a Counsellor might be a good idea, it is more often than not, the woman who deals with this. so I truly respect and admire you for what you are doing, the efforts you are making, and the determination you show to see this through. I don't mean that to sound patronising or condescending, but truly, a guy like you is relatively rare, in my experience. I'm thinking of you and wishing you well. I hope the outcome is constructive, pleasing and mutually nourishing. Whatever that outcome might be. Good Luck. I'm going to stop building upon, or responding to your comments about this specific situation now, (except to touch on any general discussion with you or others) until such a time as you feel it ok to come back and let us know how things progress. if you feel that is what you wish to do. All the very best. GW
Spectre Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) As far as making excuses for her, that is not what I am doing. I am fully aware of her fault in what happened as is she. If she had been responsible, none of this would have happened, in spite of what I or anyone else did or didn't do. Neither of us is saying that there is any excuse for what she did. It took her a long time to even fathom the possibility that she could be forgiven. It seemed like you were, and thing is either way: she has zero class, and zero respect for you. Seriously, why waste your time? You might have feelings for her, but you need to realize this girl is NOT the one you are meant to be with, she just isn't, not after doing something like that. The other side of the coin: Every book I read, every person I talked to who was in this situation and read books or went to counselors, all gave the same advice. You have to accept responsibility for your role in the disaster. The relationship was in a sour state and as 1/2 partner of that relationship I was partly responsible for the condition of the environment we were in. I know this will go against every grain in most people, and at first my thought was "are you f*cking kidding me? I'm the one who was violated.". Dude, I don't care what problems you were having. EVERYONE has problems. Perhaps you were having more problems than most, but it still is NO excuse to cheat. If a girls answer to having problems in a relationship is to sleep with your friend, no offense but that is grade A skank behavior. Of course it isn't 100% her fault you were having problems, but you didn't force her to spread her legs and sleep with your friend, please do not try to imply it is your fault because then this situation just became even more hopeless. Chicks like this are already shady, if you even hint that you think it might be YOUR fault she cheated, it is pretty much like throwing a piece of meat into a tank full of pirahnna's. Do not let yourself think that, and do not let her know you think that, or she will just take advantage of you. This wasn't a case of we were both playing it off as a happy couple, we were miserable, and as I said and others said, it was because we simply weren't talking. Not talking doesn't mean you COULDN'T talk. If her response to you guys not talking is to do that, then again: speaks volumes about the type of person she is. One item that just came back to me. In addition to telling him that she would never choose him over me, she did say that as soon as I was back in town she intended to repair us. This doesn't mean what she did was remotely ok, it's just there to demonstrate that her heart was still in the game a little. She has told me multiple times that she wishes she could go back in time and not do what she did. The kicker with that statement is that there wasn't any life left in our relationship at that point, so we wouldn't have lasted much longer. This horrible incident is what turned us around. This isn't to say that if we had a rough patch or were having troubles that I think she would go out and do this again as we have both grown a lot from it. It doesn't matter if she is sorry. I mean, it takes a rotten piece of crap to NOT be sorry for cheating, even if they didn't love the person. I mean, if the thing that had to turn your relationship around was her having SEX with another man, then really, this relationship is doomed. People who talk about cheating bringing them closer together are deluding themselves. You shouldn't think she wouldn't do it again either, she obviously has zero respect for you, and zero class. She might think she loves you, but the bottom line is you do not do this to someone you truly love. It is absolutely annoying when chicks sleep around but then try and claim they still love you. It's like trying to tell me dogs can fly, a bold faced lie. Some might say it isn't that black and white, to me it is: If you love a person, you attempt to work on problems with them, sex with another man should NEVER ever enter their mind. If you want a relationship built on cheating and behavior that shows zero respect for you, that is fine but it will not end well my friend, and I can see you are going to stay with this chick despite that so I feel bad for you. Plus, now she is giving you all this guff? This chick should be kissing your ASS. She should be getting down on her knee's every day and thanking god you still even talk to her. She really has no right to talk about privacy etc. She lost that right when she slept with your friend. She gave up ALL rights to privacy once she spread them legs for your friend. Edited March 6, 2008 by Spectre
Author midwest Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 I don't necessarily disagree with what you are saying Spectre, and in fact I told her yesterday that at the very best this relationship has a 50% chance of survival. If I don't see drastic changes in her behavior through counseling, then it will be finished without a second thought. The first 8 sessions are completely free through my insurance, and after that only $15/session with no limit. I don't intend to wait that long to see a change, but I'm not losing a lot of money over seeing how this goes. I've put up with this for this long, I may as well get a professional perspective on it. If it doesn't change with professional help, then I can walk away and not wonder if there was anything else that could be done. As of now, I do intend to keep the board updated on how things go and I do appreciate the comments whether positive, negative, or indifferent.
lexi29 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 This is just my opinion but I think your gf is doing something she shouldn't be doing. I dont think anyone would rush home from work to grab their laptop to prevent their SO from seeing some gossipy emails to a girfriend. There would have to be something on that computer that was going to make you VERY upset for someone to leave work to make sure you didn't have access to her email. And SHE doesn't trust you not to look for incriminating evidence. I've been cheated on so I know how you feel when that gut feeling kicks in. If your gf is truly sorry for her past actions she should understand that she needs to follow through on EVERYTHING she says. She told you, she would show you those emails, she needs to keep her word. This is all a part of gaining your trust again. If I were in a relationship and I cheated and my bf took me back I would feel that I owed him 100% access to my life- even if it meant violating my privacy. People who don't have anything to hide don't rush home to pick up their laptop. I'm not saying she's having another affair but there may have been some inappropriate flirting going on with another guy in those emails. Just my 2 cents. Good luck with counseling. Its admirable that you are willing to go.
Star Gazer Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 This is just my opinion but I think your gf is doing something she shouldn't be doing. I dont think anyone would rush home from work to grab their laptop to prevent their SO from seeing some gossipy emails to a girfriend. There would have to be something on that computer that was going to make you VERY upset for someone to leave work to make sure you didn't have access to her email. And SHE doesn't trust you not to look for incriminating evidence. I've been cheated on so I know how you feel when that gut feeling kicks in. If your gf is truly sorry for her past actions she should understand that she needs to follow through on EVERYTHING she says. She told you, she would show you those emails, she needs to keep her word. This is all a part of gaining your trust again. If I were in a relationship and I cheated and my bf took me back I would feel that I owed him 100% access to my life- even if it meant violating my privacy. People who don't have anything to hide don't rush home to pick up their laptop. I'm not saying she's having another affair but there may have been some inappropriate flirting going on with another guy in those emails. Just my 2 cents. Good luck with counseling. Its admirable that you are willing to go. I really, really don't agree with this. I wouldn't even let my best friend in the entire world or even my mother have full, unadulterated access to my computer. My emails have private thoughts in them, my hard drive has diary-like documents. No way, Jose.
Spectre Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) I don't necessarily disagree with what you are saying Spectre, and in fact I told her yesterday that at the very best this relationship has a 50% chance of survival. You don't get what I am saying. Even if you get back together, might be 6 months from now, might be a year, it isn't going to last simply because of what she did. I speak from experience, I tried it before. You will either by like me and A: Take out your anger on her, or B: Keep it locked inside, silently suffering. Is a girl who sleeps with your friend really worth that? No, to me she isn't worth a nickel. If I don't see drastic changes in her behavior through counseling, then it will be finished without a second thought. Problem is, females are good actresses. Even if she does change, again: do you really want a relationship built on her sleeping with your friend? You wanna marry this type of girl? Have children with this type of girl? Come on now.. The first 8 sessions are completely free through my insurance, and after that only $15/session with no limit. After what she did, even if the sessions cost 1 penny, she is not worth that. I don't intend to wait that long to see a change, but I'm not losing a lot of money over seeing how this goes. I've put up with this for this long, I may as well get a professional perspective on it. If it doesn't change with professional help, then I can walk away and not wonder if there was anything else that could be done. Problem is, people who cheat, by very nature of being cheaters, are selfish as hell. This girl might have realized you are a good guy, a nice guy, a guy who will provide for her, and so she might actually attempt to change her behavior, or at least make it seem that way. The thing you have to realize is deep down, at her core, how can she love you if she could do this? The other thing is, no matter how much help you get, it doesn't mean she will not do it again. As of now, I do intend to keep the board updated on how things go and I do appreciate the comments whether positive, negative, or indifferent. I don't mean to come off as negative, but I've seen this happen so many times on this board. It just isn't worth it, why should you have to spend your life with a girl who cheated on you? Do you honestly want that? Even if she does change? Why not go find a girl who, when you guys are having trouble, doesn't sleep around? Why not go find a girl to eventually marry and have children with that hasn't acted like a total skank? Edited March 6, 2008 by Spectre
Spectre Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) I really, really don't agree with this. I wouldn't even let my best friend in the entire world or even my mother have full, unadulterated access to my computer. My emails have private thoughts in them, my hard drive has diary-like documents. No way, Jose. That is nice, this isn't a best friend we are talking about. Girl cheated, as far as I am concerned, she waved privacy out the window the moment she spread her legs for another guy. You don't get it both ways, you wanna tramp around and expect the guy to get back with you? You damn well do whatever he says, if he wants to see your email everyday, you do it, if he wants to search your computer everyday, you let him. He wants to check your phone bill and go through your phone? You allow it. You have no rights anymore, in terms of privacy. Or you simply leave him alone(like she should of done in the first place after cheating) If this chick has the nerve to try and get back with him, but won't disclose the information she wants, she is waaay to full of herself. Edited March 6, 2008 by Spectre
Arch Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 lol wow, the only way to judge people is on their previous actions, your relationship is doomed considering not even a year after you got together she decided to cheat on you. You should break up with her and find someone faithful - once a cheater always a cheater.
NuTuDating Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Something's up. Either she's said something about you in the e-mail she doesn't want you to read, or she's talked to someone she doesn't want you to know about. There's not really another plausible reason for denying you the e-mails after she's said she would. That said, she needs to know that it's upset you and she needs to be more open about them. If she can't, I'd seriously consider ditching her.
Recommended Posts