I cheated, we are reconciling, I want him home

March 4, 2008

I don't know where I should even post this. So, 1st of all, if you think i'm in the wrong forum, please redirect me.

I was the one who cheated. It happened back in Aug of 2007, (7 mos ago). We were engaged. I told him immediately. We tried to work on things but then he couldn't. Then he came back. Then he couldn't and left again, this was Dec 1st. Each time he left I was crushed. Everytime he returned I was so excited and hopeful. Since day 1 we have been going to counseling. I went alone and we would go together. Since Dec 1st, he would lead me on and then withdrawl, (very normal), because I understand what I did was the most horrible thing someone could ever do to person they loved. I road an emotional rollercoaster, which I felt was my punishment for what I had done. All of Dec and Jan I was such a wreck. One day he would tell me he needed time and to hang in there and the next day he would basically tell me it's over. Hopeful, dispair, hopeful, dispair.. I know...I already know, he was feeling it too and what I did caused him as much of an emotional rollercoaster as well. Finally, I thought to myself, it' been 7 mos since I cheated and we are no further than day one. I had to let go. What we were doing wasn't working so I had to try a new approach. Now, don't get me wrong, this was the saddest day of my life. I love this man and would do anything, but I was losing control of my life. Trust me, you don't need to tell me how bad I am, I already know that. I already know, that if you really love somebody, you would never cheat on them, but please understand, I have found the reason why I cheated (thru many months of counseling) and have found the root. With that being sad, I had to let go and let him deal with it on his own. The funny thing is, I decided to go NC and I didn't even think he would have noticed cause he didn't call me either. 3 weeks went by and finally he called. He told me he has learned many things in counseling and wants to forgive me and has forgiven me. I was so happy and relieved. I just want him home with me, where he belongs.

So, now it's been about 2 weeks and we have been going on dates and talking everyday. I am so happy because I missed him so much. But and yes there is a but...I'm now starting to get depressed. I don't know how to date my ex-fiance. I want him home, but he says he is ready emotionally but not mentally. What? What does that mean? He wants to take things slow, and i totally agree with that, but I don't know how. I just want us back.

I already know I should be grateful for him to even be willing to want to work things out and that i can't rush thngs. I need help from someone who has been in either of our shoes. I still go to my counseling and he still goes too.

I am truly remorseful, I love him with all my heart and I want to show him how much I love him for the rest of my life, I want him home so I can show him. He doesn't want to come home and I'm sad and confused.

Edited March 4, 2008 by prisonbreak

March 4, 2008

He's having a hard time trusting you. Having sex with another man is very mentally damaging on him, and rightfully so. He continually has thoughts of you screwing the OM, the images. Once trust is lost like this, it's very hard, if not impossible to get it back. It's looks like he's checked out of the relationship. In the very least, he's still hurt. Serious question, are you two still having sex? If you are, it may be for Booty calls.

March 4, 2008

I don't know how to date my ex-fiance. I want him home, but he says he is ready emotionally but not mentally. What? What does that mean? He wants to take things slow, and i totally agree with that, but I don't know how. I just want us back.
I already know I should be grateful for him to even be willing to want to work things out and that i can't rush thngs. I need help from someone who has been in either of our shoes. I still go to my counseling and he still goes too.
I am truly remorseful, I love him with all my heart and I want to show him how much I love him for the rest of my life, I want him home so I can show him. He doesn't want to come home and I'm sad and confused.

I feel for you. I know this sucks, but hang in there.

I hear that this can take over 2 years to heal, so just give it time. Do you think he is worth it? 2 years is a long time.

You have his forgiveness and the start of a second chance. Just remember it's just the start. Every interaction you have with him is a chance to prove your worth his trust, his love. Use that to build... don't expect too much too soon.

I think if you stay strong and prove yourself he will come around. I doubt it will be the same as before, but would you want that?

Best of luck!

March 4, 2008

Oooohhhh thank you so much for replying. I was so nervous I was going to get a tongue lashing. First let me clarify to Darth...Yes, what I did is VERY damaging. I understand that. I'm sure he will have a hard time trusting me again, but he has said, "Well, at least I know you'll never cheat on me again". As this has been hell for both of us. Yes, we are having sex again, but I don't think they are booty calls for 2 reasons. 1st, he takes me out and we don't always have sex, he says he wants to just be together. the 2nd reason is, we are both going to counseling. What man is going to spend 70.00/week trying to make this relationship work if he's just in it for sex. He said he is going to counseling for us, so we work out. If we were to end everything, he'd stop going. That's a lot to invest ($ and time wise) for just sex, when he could get it (sex) alot easier (skank from the bar). But thanks Darth and I do agree the images don't just vanish overnight.

Cobra- Thank you so much. I'll try to hang in there. I know it sucks but if it brings us together, then i guess it's worth it. I heard 2 yrs too! Gosh that sucks. Something that took 3 minutes to destroy can take yrs to repair....so not worth it. I know i need to focus on winning back his love and trust and not expect too much too soon. I know in my heart it's worth it, but days like this, I feel like caving in. Do I think he is worth it? At first I thought so, then I doubted and now I think so again. I saw something earlier this week that made me question, but I think I was over analyzing it.

March 4, 2008

Good advice so far. I have to stress that you need to be patient. You didn't mention your ages, however from your post it sounds like you're both young. The skill of being patient comes with experiance and age. You don't learn it overnight.

7 months is a blink of an eye in situations like yours. Your fiance was faced that his fiancee, the woman he was totally dedicated to. Decided it was in her best interests to invite another man to penetrate her physically and emotionally.

I am an old "Alpha" male, and I can tell you with absolutely certainty that he is (and has) experianced very graphic mental images of you being penetrated, kissing, and fellating another man. He will retain those images the rest of his life. The mental images will remain important to him as long he is in a relationship with you. He may or may not be able to forgive your behavior, he will never forget it.

Most likely your impatience is directed by your need to attempt to replace the images and memories of you cavorting with another man with new memories of the two of you as a happy couple. That is a failed stagety. The successful stagety for you to persue is to wait for him to iniate contact with you and for him to begin to experiance spontanious new, positive experiances that will lead to new positive memories for him.

He must begin trusting you again before he can begin to have positive experiances with you. If you continue to push your agenda, the mental images being formed will be co-mingled, new over old, new combined with old. This taints new experiances with the disasterous memories of the old, leaving the end result, negetive.

Your time is the only thing you have left to give without unconditionally.

March 4, 2008

Oh, the tonque lashing thing is still very possible, even from me, I just haven't gotten warmed up, yet.

Anyway, Have you been checked for STDs before you two rabbits started having sex again? Lots of nasty things out there, AIDS, etc.

March 4, 2008

Yes I have Darth...thanks for being so concerned for me. I know you don't really hate me, you hate cheaters...and so do I. So maybe I do hate myself for it...that makes two of us. You can lash out at me all you want, as long as I can reply to your comments.

March 4, 2008

70.00 a week for sex is nothing! Not that I know anything about that, but, what I'm saying is, there's a whole lot more expensive ways to get sex, to him it may be a bargin. Don't be surprised if he suddenly wants to call it quits, or finds someone else new. I'm just saying, be prepared.

March 4, 2008

Ok, WOW Lakesidedream!!!! I think every word you said was great. I need to hear this. Your so right. Btw, I am 33 and he is 29. Young, maybe? Definately old enough to know better!

I keep telling him, "I love you unconditionally" I honestly do, I'll love him even if he can't be with me. Your words hit me hard, if I say I love him unconditionally then I need to love him on his terms and time is the only thing I have left to give him. Is this what you meant by that?

March 4, 2008

Darth, I should be prepared. He would have every reason to call it quits and I wouldn't blame him one bit. I understand the money may be cheap, but knowing your sitting in therapy for an hour because of her, you'd really have to want to be there. Therapy isn't fun.

How about you? I take it your wife cheated. Did you try to make it work with her? Would you have been willing if she would have done anything to make it right?

March 4, 2008

Ok, WOW Lakesidedream!!!! I think every word you said was great. I need to hear this. Your so right. Btw, I am 33 and he is 29. Young, maybe? Definately old enough to know better!

I keep telling him, "I love you unconditionally" I honestly do, I'll love him even if he can't be with me. Your words hit me hard, if I say I love him unconditionally then I need to love him on his terms and time is the only thing I have left to give him. Is this what you meant by that?

PrisionBreak. I pretty amused by your profession that "I love you unconditionally" while your post is rife with conditions for your happiness that he currently is unable to meet. At this time he can't commit, he isn't consistant, what the two of you were doing wasn't working so YOU had to change things, that the cycle of hope-dispair, hope-dispair, was more than YOU could bare.

How can you expect him to perform up to your (obviously flawed) expectations? You are setting all the rules, laying out all the guidelines. What "choice" exactly are you prepared to leave up to him alone?

March 4, 2008

Prisonbreak: I understand how it feels. My situation is pretty complicated and involves betrayals both ways, but speaking from the cheater perspective... you just have to be patient and work hard to heal the damage you've done. You have to be prepared to consistently show genuine remorse. And did I mention patience? Remember we made our beds and now we must lie in them...

I see you're both in therapy and that's good. Are you guys in couples counseling? Have you considered it?

Best wishes that things work out for you. Hang in there!

March 4, 2008

Lakesidedream- Ok, I'm trying to take this all in. I think this might be better therapy than my counseling sessions. You make very good points and I may seem a bit slow in understanding this. Let me know if i'm wrong here (which I'm sure you will). I will still LOVE him unconditionally, no matter what he decides to do. Right now he choses to love me and work on these things. If he were to decide to leave again, I will still love him. Now, you have to understand, when I say I had to change things, it was because I had to change myself. I wasn't eating, sleeping or functioning as a human. I had to let go in a sense to be able to cope. I was relying on him for my happiness. If he said there was hope, I was able to eat. If he ignored me, I spent the day throwing up. I'm the only one in control of my thoughts and feelings and I had to let go of control. I had to let him make the decision and it had nothing to do with me anymore. I have no control over how he is feeling towards me. All I could do is try to make it right on my behalf and let him be. That's what I meant about changing things. This isn't on my terms, but there is a point where my life does matter too.

I guess I didn't see myself as having any expectations of him. I only wanted him in my life and I just want him home with me. i haven't laid any rules down to him, I just left him be. All of this is going on in my head and I've posted it on this forum. I haven't given him any timeline or ultimatuims. The whole hope and despair thing, well he was being an ass. I know I deserved it, so I accepted it, but there comes a point where enough is enough and it just wasn't healthy. All I was saying is, if he wanted to do this the healthy way I was in, otherwise the mental/emotional abuse I was out. But I still chose to love him either way.

You know, all the explaining on these forums doesn't do any good, because nobody will truly understand the other side of things and see the whole picture.

March 4, 2008

Hello,

I am just curious about something. Clearly you love your man very much. My question is what was it that would allow you to cheat on a man you are engaged to? Surely if you were engaged you must have realized what would happen. Were you afraid to be getting married? I just don't understand what allowed you to think it was acceptable to have sex with another man on the verge of marrying your boyfriend. I wish you luck.

March 4, 2008

Jess-Belle- Thank you! Patience has never been my strong point. I'm trying tho. We did couples counceling in the beginging and now we do individual. We plan on doing couples again, but we both want to work on childhood issues first. Right now our mission is, heal us as individuals, so 2 healthy people can come together and do couples therapy to work on communication and our relationship issues. The nice thing is, we go to the same lady, she has seen us together and now sees us one on one. She also advises us to go this route.

Oh, I show remorse alright...every single day. He did say something nice the other day, "Nowhere does it say, you need to pay for this mistake for the rest of your life." He's a good man.

Thanks for the luck...I'm going to need it!

March 4, 2008

Bryan- Good question and I was afraid someone was going to ask that. It has to do with family of orgin stuff (childhood issues) on top of, fear of marriage, mixed in with rebellion. They were MY issues and had nothing to do with him, that's what is so hard. He really is great. I was going out of town for girls weekend. He said, don't you dare talk to your ex when you are there (we both knew he was going to be there). That was the rebellion part. I had been married before, and have faced abandonment and rejection in the past. I never really commited 100% to my fiance. It was wrong of me to accept the proposal, with the underlining issues of my past. The things I'm now fixing in counseling should have been fixed before me saying yes to the ring and to him. I tried on numerous occassions before the proposal to tell him how i was feeling. He always brushed it under the rug. He thought I was depressed. I kept telling him, "I'm not depressed, somethings wrong." I told him I needed some space and time to figure it out and he said, "no". I almost felt like cheating was the only way to push him away. So I did. and it did push him away. And now I'm learning all the things I should've learned before the mistake. I want him to enjoy the new me, the one who can love 100% now. Hopefully it's not too late.

March 4, 2008

Jess-Belle- Thank you! Patience has never been my strong point. I'm trying tho. We did couples counceling in the beginging and now we do individual. We plan on doing couples again, but we both want to work on childhood issues first. Right now our mission is, heal us as individuals, so 2 healthy people can come together and do couples therapy to work on communication and our relationship issues. The nice thing is, we go to the same lady, she has seen us together and now sees us one on one. She also advises us to go this route.

Oh, I show remorse alright...every single day. He did say something nice the other day, "Nowhere does it say, you need to pay for this mistake for the rest of your life." He's a good man.

Thanks for the luck...I'm going to need it!

That's a good plan you seem to have about the therapy. Of course infidelity stems from personal issues, and it is imperative to tackle those.

I also think posting about it, writing about it, and talking about it as much as possible is very helpful in helping us explore and get a grip on who we were that we did such a thing. It's all a process... It's been about seven months since my situation exploded as well, and with each passing day I feel like I get it a little bit better and deeper.

And you're right, you do have a good, forgiving man on your hands. Be thankful!

I don't know that my bf has completely forgiven me yet... I'm willing to give it as long as it takes though.

March 4, 2008

these lyrics of a Gretchen Wilson song say it for me

>When I think about cheatin'

I just think about you leavin'

And how my world would fall to pieces

If I tossed your love away

Even when I'm tempted by some stranger

Oh there's never any danger

I just think about you leavin'

When I think about cheatin'<

Makes you wonder why some find it so easy to cheat doesn't it ?

March 4, 2008

Prisonbreak,

It's a bit bigger than it was as first described. Originally is was a quick affair, which you confessed to and believed you deserved to be forgiven for.

The reality was vastly different. After anticipating the possibility of serious problems occuring during your "girls week" it turns out that your infidelity was a pre-meditated, well considered betrayal, followed by the physical coupling. Which you justified as a "rebellion". You are in your 30's right? Do 30 somethings still rebel?

From your fiance's point of view I cannot see rational reason for your ex-fiance to feel any security in his current situation. Your only realistic hope IMO is to let time heal the wounds. No amout of manipulation on your part will produce better results than the balm of time.

If I were he, at 29 I wouldn't have hesitated as he has. I would be forging ahead with my life, looking for a future I could trust as well as love.

Edited March 4, 2008 by LakesideDream

March 4, 2008

Simply put you betrayed his trust and it will be a long road towards him trusting you again. How can he be sure you won't do it again? You say you won't but a few years down the road if you two do tie the knot and suddenly you feel bored you might just cheat again and he knows that. You betrayed him before the marriage even happened.

March 4, 2008

Ok, after having slept on this, I am having alot more clarity. I am going to just focus on being patient and letting time take it's course.

This was not pre-meditated, that i know for a fact. I know it came across that way when i reread my post, but it honestly wasn't something I set out to do. Over the weekend I was wanting to be free from him and angry that he didn't understand what I was trying to say to him, but never did i think or plan to cross that line. I can see how it came across that way tho. Yes, he would have every right to forge ahead without me, but like I said, he's a good man.

Jess-Belle, are you guys in counseling too? I wish you 2 the best of luck as well!

Woggle- I know I'd never do this ever again. The pain he has gone thru and the pain I have gone thru...just not worth it. I dream for the day that him and I become bored. I don't want drama and I just want a happy normal life with him. I miss the day in and day out routines.

I thank you all for you 2 cents, even tho it can be a bit harsh at times. Nobody is perfect, we all fall short, we are human. Granted some mistakes are bigger than others. But still, sin is sin and we all fall short. Don't worry, I'm not letting myself off the hook, I beat myself up over it every single day! But, I can only learn from my mistake so that it never happens again. I have learned so much about myself thru this. I wish I could go back and do things the right way, but unfortunately I can't. I could have came back from that weekend and never have told him, but I know that wasn't the right thing to do. I have been continuely trying to do the right thing and that's why I've come here for some advice/support, along with ready, journaling, praying and counseling.

Thanks all!

Edited March 4, 2008 by prisonbreak

March 4, 2008

I believe you when you say you don't plan on doing it again but he doesn't know that and truthfully I can't blame him. The trust is gone and if you really do want this to work with him you will take the time to rebuild that trust from the ground up. If he did the same thing wouldn't be less than trusting as well?

March 4, 2008

IC and don't "love him unconditionally". That's a mistake. Be realistic. Update us in a year

March 4, 2008

Carhill- Interesting, do you care to elaborate?

Woggle- So true

March 4, 2008

Ok, after having slept on this, I am having alot more clarity. I am going to just focus on being patient and letting time take it's course.
This was not pre-meditated, that i know for a fact. I know it came across that way when i reread my post, but it honestly wasn't something I set out to do. Over the weekend I was wanting to be free from him and angry that he didn't understand what I was trying to say to him, but never did i think or plan to cross that line. I can see how it came across that way tho. Yes, he would have every right to forge ahead without me, but like I said, he's a good man.

Couple things I noticed in reading that post.

First, it sounds like your BF knew what was going on and tried to put his foot down, but you ignored him. Realize that different men have different primary needs in relationships. Some guys want to feel secure (trust), some need to be appreciated (needed), and it sounds like your BF might be the type that needs to be Respected! There is a possibility that one of the main things he is grappling with is the feeling of being disrespected. Just something to pay attention to.

Also, you might be working on your own problems... but is he also working on his? In all seriousness, don't let guilt hold you into this relationship. It's understandable that you have a lot of guilt... but I get the sense you were not completely happy before the cheating. Are you certain that was all you? Were you happy with him 100% before the cheating?

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