4givrnt4gtr Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 SOme of you have read my past posts about my R. Ive been so anxious and nervous about everything. I have to really focus on what my SO does for me and what he gives me instead of what is lacking.. ...and im getting very tired of it... I posted earlier about how he "forgot" to buy condoms after a free stash i gave him ran out...and then pointed about how expensive they are.... But the straw that broke the camel's back was this.... Quick background...I told him i wanted to go whale watching and he said we should do it this weekend....so I looked the info up and aimed it to him...this is what happened, after he looked at the info. Him: what r the times again? Me: from 8 am til 4pm sat and sunday they are two hour rides so whenever between those times Him: hmmm this week end will be difficult, cricket on sat...home on sunday (which he does every weekend) Me: lol every weekend will be difficult then, cuz thats ur usual schedule Me: thats ok, if you cant ill just go with one of my friends Him: ok ( !!!!) Me: Do you want to go at all? Him: i think so Me: hm...well do you think you can move your schedule around a bit? maybe go home later on sunday since we dont have to be there all day? or plan it for the following weekend? Him: i can go home later this sunday....feel like taking my parents to this whale thingie, maybe some other time Me: ? what do you mean? you want to take your parents some other time or you're gonna come with me some other time? Him: both i guess Me: ?? I thought you said you can go home later this sunday.... Him: true but that means early sunday morning Me: and you dont want to do that Him: its tough Me: hmm. ok So...bassically, everything so far seems like that...like its a chore for him to do things like these with me, like, im taking too much of his precious time.... So im done... Im sad....but i need to do it, for myself, for my own self-esteem.... But how? how do even bring it up? Ive never done this with someone i care about. Til last weekend I thought it would work...but i cant keep denying whats obvious. Im just a commodity, for whenever is convenient for him, thats it. I tried...i really did... How do you break up with someone you thought could be your husband, how do you bring it up. where do you do it, and how in the world do you avoid breaking down in the middle of it all.....
Cobra_X30 Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Im sad....but i need to do it, for myself, for my own self-esteem.... But how? how do even bring it up? Ive never done this with someone i care about. Til last weekend I thought it would work...but i cant keep denying whats obvious. Im just a commodity, for whenever is convenient for him, thats it. I tried...i really did... How do you break up with someone you thought could be your husband, how do you bring it up. where do you do it, and how in the world do you avoid breaking down in the middle of it all..... You say "I'm over you! We are done! Please don't contact me for at least 2 months." Everything else is pretty much a variation on that. I would not, at this time provide him any reasons for dumping him. He will just lie about fixing the problems to string you along. Judging by what he says there... I'd say deep down he never considered you as a permanent option.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 Judging by what he says there... I'd say deep down he never considered you as a permanent option. :( as horrible as it might be....deep down, i think you're right.
Cobra_X30 Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 :( as horrible as it might be....deep down, i think you're right. Well, if that's the case maybe you don't have to be nice about dumping him. Just tell him that he has the smallest wiener you have ever experienced.... that you've spent forever trying to just get over it... push through it... love him for all his wonderful, good, personality traits. But alas... it's just too small and you can't pretend anymore.
Kamille Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 ah 4giv. I have been in your shoes with my first boyfriend and they're not comfy. With hindsight though I realize that leaving a relationship where I always felt unimportant was one of the best things I could have done for myself. Those kinds of relationship end up being exhausting and hard on self-esteem. There is no easy way to end it. I told my then-boyfriend that I hadn't been happy for awhile in the relationship and thought it'd be best if we broke up. He begged me to stay, said he would change, and I gave us another chance. Three weeks later we broke up again. Thing is, people don't change that fast. Just remember that not all is lost. You have learned a lot with this man and he will always be someone special for you. And we're here for you!
Florida Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Kam and Cobra can you each impart more info? I ask because maybe I don't see the writing on the wall the same way, but that IM script up there doesn't lead me to think that a break up would be good. Maybe it is, maybe just the feeling of not feeling important is enough to warrant it. -Kam what were some other signs you felt/saw? -Cob what makes you say he does not see her as something permanent in his life? I ask because reading this I just see that her BF is selfish and lazy. I'm confused! More details please!
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 I agree with Florida...my boyfriend is being lazy and selfish.... When i wrote this post i was very upset. I was desilusioned that he didnt want to go with me, that he would make up lame excuses not to go. And many other reasons....and those are getting to be too much I talked to one of my best friends, who happens to be a great psyc in the making. She has always the been the voice of reason when i get antsy. I told her i was about to dump him. She knows him, and was quite surprised. She told me to talked to him, clearly explain what im feeling and ask him what his actions mean. We can only infer from our own perspective and our own believes, but only he can know what it means when he tells me he rather sleep late than go with me. In any case, it would be a good exercise, to not just jump the gun and run away. If anything, at least I will have learned something, even if it doesnt mean we can save us.... I love the man, despite him being...well what u see up there. As i was writing this he sent me a text saying "you are like cheese..tasty soft sweey n tender" I know actions speak louder than words...but...it is all very confusing. I am in so much pain right now
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Kam and Cobra can you each impart more info? I ask because maybe I don't see the writing on the wall the same way, but that IM script up there doesn't lead me to think that a break up would be good. What does it lead you to believe?
xpaperxcutx Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Oh wow your bf just reminded me of an article I read online. http://http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/articles/fivementoavoiddating.html I say he kind of falls under the category of workaholic. Don't know if that gave you some insight... but I hope it helped a little.
spookie Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 I don't think you should dump someone you love without so much as a conversation because he doens't wnat to go whale-watching with you. If you love him, I really think you'd regret eitehr not taking it easier or not giving it a proper shot. As your friend said, talk to him. Or else, redefine what is important to you in a relationship. It sounds like he loves you, he just doens't want to go whale-watching and doens't know how to properly tell you that (as opposed to making excuses). If you can accept that, I think both of you could be happy. It's not often we meet someone we can fall in love with. Treasure that for what it's worth.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 I don't think you should dump someone you love without so much as a conversation because he doens't wnat to go whale-watching with you. If you love him, I really think you'd regret eitehr not taking it easier or not giving it a proper shot. As your friend said, talk to him. Or else, redefine what is important to you in a relationship. It sounds like he loves you, he just doens't want to go whale-watching and doens't know how to properly tell you that (as opposed to making excuses). If you can accept that, I think both of you could be happy. It's not often we meet someone we can fall in love with. Treasure that for what it's worth. Thank you spookie...I agree with you. The more i think about it, the more i feel like the best way for me to solve this issue isnt just quitting and throwing it all away. I know there are things that need to be addressed, and they will when i see him tomorrow. I cant expect an immediate change, but I do expect some steps into that direction One thing i keep coming back to is that althought he ruffles my feathers quite a bit, and even makes me want to leave, and retreat to my very confortable spot in the land of singledoom, once I simmer down a bit, I cannot deny how much i love him and want to work it out. Thank you for hearing me out in my rage
Florida Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 (edited) What does it lead you to believe? I read another one of your threads from earlier to get a bit more perspective and...I forgot what was in it since then. I include that bit only because I did not think anything I saw was too alarming or meaningful beyond just normal newish relationship negotiations. Oh yes-it is coming back now-you were upset about how you changed your plans and became available that weekend, and he did not volunteer immediately to ask you to see him. In that former case, maybe he did not want to seem like a little doggie, too eager? The above post leads me to believe it is a case of the beginnings of taking you a bit for granted, not the death knell of a relationship, but for yourself you need to clarify if this is a new trend, or has he always been lazy and leaves plan making to you? I think some boys who do not have a whole lot of prior GF experience, can be kind of dense. It would probably make me anxious too, and I would advise talking with him about how he does not seem to jump on making plans, and what your expectations are in that area. I think it is only fair you lay out your expectations, and what he can do to make you happy. Also, it occurs to me reading this maybe he has become accustomed to being catered to by you? So you kind of have to change that up a bit, pull back a bit, ask him what he would like to do, let him make arrangements sometimes so he does not always think "oh of course 4given will do it if I don't" You could be take the gentler approach, as it doesn't seem to be anything to be angry at, just yet. Maybe say "when the weekend rolls around I thought you would be more into making plans, as I do. I am worrried that I will think you are not so involved as you sem to just sit back and approve or reject whatever I come up with. How about youmake some plans for us, I like it when you do that, it makes me know you want to see me and I will be happy if you take some active steps for us" Thank you for hearing me out in my rage That line is so cute, how could this guy NOT think you are the beesknees? Edited March 4, 2008 by Florida
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss this. It is not always good to rationalize your instincts. If your first reaction was that IM convo felt wrong, then there IS probably something wrong.
D-Lish Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 I don't think you have to have a break up talk with him as much as you should clarify some issues you are having. It's really important that the person you are dating puts in time and effort, and he needs to know you are feeling a bit neglected. Perhaps just making him realize this will turn things around for the both of you.
Kamille Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 -Kam what were some other signs you felt/saw? No. The one I was going on is that she's struggled throughout this relationship with trying to figure out why she feels unimportant at times. I have been in a relationship with a confused and lazy guy, where I was doing much of the relationship work and it eventually drained me. My first step with that guy was to have the 'I'm not happy talk'. He was surprised. Explained a few things. I tried to revise my expectations. But then two weeks after I was sitting at home waiting for his phone call, realized how ridiculous that was, went out with a friend only to find him sitting at the bar with buddies (when he had said he would call me and we would so something). That was it. I'm not saying this is going to happen with 4giv and her bf. I do believe he cares for her, but i think he is clueless about relationship. The thing is, he therefore relies on her to do most of the work for it and I think this is why she frequently feels frustrated. And as you said, the girl sounds adorable, so a part of me would want her to be in a relationship where she finds contentment. Perhaps you are all right and it is this one, but then both bf and her need to do a lot of work. So ok, I revise my original position: do talk to him. But never doubt that you deserve to be cherished.
JackOfClubs Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Sorry for butting in, but I resemble this thread. At least from the guy's point of view. I'm glad Kamille had a small change of heart. It was disheartening to read how the response to somebody taking you for granted was to break up--and I'm not sure I want to do that with my girl. On the other hand, I liked Florida's response to have a proper talk and maybe a gentle way to do it. I'm a guy experiencing 4giv's situation but in reverse since my girlfriend is the one who seems so confident that I won't leave because she makes almost no time for me. Given that she's a single mother, I understand where her priorities are. Still, I feel neglected that she can't make the effort to schedule alone time with me. So I want to have the "I'm not happy" conversation, but I want to do it right so that she doesn't get defensive. I'll keep reading here because suggestions for 4giv might very well work for me as well. These posts have been helpful.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 That line is so cute, how could this guy NOT think you are the beesknees? And as you said, the girl sounds adorable, so a part of me would want her to be in a relationship where she finds contentment. Aww thank you guys, how sweet of you! Made my morning I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss this. It is not always good to rationalize your instincts. If your first reaction was that IM convo felt wrong, then there IS probably something wrong. Im not dismissing it so much as im gonna be taking a less drastic approach. I guess something i should have done a while back...maybe after the whole vday stolen candy incident. But i guess its better now than never. Although he is a bit older, he doesnt have much experience with long term relationships...as far as i know, he's dated girls but never had an actual girlfriend before. SO ok...maybe he's just straight up clueless along with lazy. In any case I am bassically gonna be telling him i need more effort from him. I did think of asking him to make plans instead of having me do it. Im also gonna put it more of a "lets keep this fun by both of us pitching in to it" spin, as opposed to "you better do what i want or im gone" thing. I guess the one thing i gotta be thankful is that i dont act on impulse....otherwise....poor guy
Cobra_X30 Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Kam and Cobra can you each impart more info? I ask because maybe I don't see the writing on the wall the same way, but that IM script up there doesn't lead me to think that a break up would be good. Maybe it is, maybe just the feeling of not feeling important is enough to warrant it. -Kam what were some other signs you felt/saw? -Cob what makes you say he does not see her as something permanent in his life? I ask because reading this I just see that her BF is selfish and lazy. I'm confused! More details please! Let me clarify something. I know guys pretty well... even the selfish lazy ones. I've seen even the laziest slobs clean up their act for a woman they really, really like. This guy isn't even trying. No Trying = No Long Term Thought! Seriously... I wouldn't ALLOW someone to treat me like that. Face it... she will only be important when she forces him to make her a priority. Who wants to fight that battle all the time? Do you think you are getting some great bargain boyfriend? Do you honestly believe he would treat other woman this way? I doubt it. If he thinks your special, he WILL treat you that way. So, communicate that to him clearly. Draw a line in the sand and say this is how I want you to treat me. Do it only once. Let him fix things if he wants to.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 Do you honestly believe he would treat other woman this way? I doubt it. If he thinks your special, he WILL treat you that way. So, communicate that to him clearly. Draw a line in the sand and say this is how I want you to treat me. Do it only once. Let him fix things if he wants to. Actually...yes, he has, thus the reason his gfs dont last more than 8 months so far....special child he is....I guess from what i saw last nite his exs never bothered to tell him what he was doing wrong. In any case...last nite i had a whole speech prepared, rehearsed and memorized so as to not forget anything. I get to his place, and he is as usual, very affectionate. Then he proudly announces he is making me a mix cd of songs that reminds him of me. ...if he only knew he had been about to get dumped not 24 hrs before. Anyhow, I was gonna start my speech but he beat me to it. He asked me when we were gonna go whale watching I thought he was kidding so i told him it wasnt funny and i was dissapointed he didnt want to go. He looked at me like "huh?" and then said he never said he didnt want to go, that he would actually go Sunday morning. I told him i thought his "it would be tough" meant he didnt want to go. He said that thats not what he meant, what he meant was that it would be tough but he would still do it cuz he wanted to please me. I mentioned the rest of the conversation and then he said that it was true this coming weekend it would be difficult, but that he would be willing to do it. Anyhow the whole conversation went about how i needed more effort from him, to what he acted surprised saying he thought he was making effort, that making me dinner when i came over and waiting for me to watch movies constituded efforts in his mind. I told him i did appreciate that but that going out once in a while would make a huge difference. More talking and laughing (interestingly enough we diffuse a lot of tension joking between the seriousness), and I finally told him what the real problem was. It wasnt about the whale, or a date. It was about me feeling important enough for him to make time for me. Just as he wouldnt budge about his games or his going home every weekend, I wanted him to do the same when we made plans. I want to know that im important enough that when he says we're gonna do something, it happens, no matter what. He was like...."ohhhh.....I see...." So he agreed he would make that effort, and that he would try harder to do a little more. He also apologize for coming off as cheap sometimes... My boyfriend is quite special....
NuTuDating Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Maybe he doesn't enjoy whale watching or using condoms. Talk to him. He may not be able to be completely honest with you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe you're too focused on what he does for you.
Kamille Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Actually...yes, he has, thus the reason his gfs dont last more than 8 months so far....special child he is....I guess from what i saw last nite his exs never bothered to tell him what he was doing wrong. In any case...last nite i had a whole speech prepared, rehearsed and memorized so as to not forget anything. I get to his place, and he is as usual, very affectionate. Then he proudly announces he is making me a mix cd of songs that reminds him of me. ...if he only knew he had been about to get dumped not 24 hrs before. Anyhow, I was gonna start my speech but he beat me to it. He asked me when we were gonna go whale watching I thought he was kidding so i told him it wasnt funny and i was dissapointed he didnt want to go. He looked at me like "huh?" and then said he never said he didnt want to go, that he would actually go Sunday morning. I told him i thought his "it would be tough" meant he didnt want to go. He said that thats not what he meant, what he meant was that it would be tough but he would still do it cuz he wanted to please me. I mentioned the rest of the conversation and then he said that it was true this coming weekend it would be difficult, but that he would be willing to do it. Anyhow the whole conversation went about how i needed more effort from him, to what he acted surprised saying he thought he was making effort, that making me dinner when i came over and waiting for me to watch movies constituded efforts in his mind. I told him i did appreciate that but that going out once in a while would make a huge difference. More talking and laughing (interestingly enough we diffuse a lot of tension joking between the seriousness), and I finally told him what the real problem was. It wasnt about the whale, or a date. It was about me feeling important enough for him to make time for me. Just as he wouldnt budge about his games or his going home every weekend, I wanted him to do the same when we made plans. I want to know that im important enough that when he says we're gonna do something, it happens, no matter what. He was like...."ohhhh.....I see...." So he agreed he would make that effort, and that he would try harder to do a little more. He also apologize for coming off as cheap sometimes... My boyfriend is quite special.... I'm really glad that went well. And therefore I'm glad you didn't take my advice. Ahhh, gotta love those moments when being wrong feels good.
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