Phateless Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Wellllll? Honestly? He got what he wanted, and you didn't. I just read your thread today and was going to advise you not to see him in person - after all, he had already very clearly told you what he could offer you; it wasn't okay with you; therefore, I think you should have ended it by phone. It did not sound negotiable, at all. Now, you're tangled up in more "confusion" because your feelings have been triggered by all that time you spent together. But from what I read, he didn't indicate that anything on his side of the table has changed. In fact, he didn't even come on to you - you initiated things on Sunday night! Please take care of yourself. As an outside observer it seems really clear and obvious that you want something different than he does. Hope you're doing okay. I disagree. It sounds to me like she took her power back and is no longer feeling insecure with the situation, but knows what it is, and is enjoying it while it lasts. You can see him when you see him, but in the meantime enjoy your freedom to look for someone better.
Author audrey_1 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 I disagree. It sounds to me like she took her power back and is no longer feeling insecure with the situation, but knows what it is, and is enjoying it while it lasts. You can see him when you see him, but in the meantime enjoy your freedom to look for someone better. Thanks, Phateless. This is how I feel about it. I've known him since we were 5 years old. Our families know each other. Our parents grew up together. His mom and my dad even went on a date when they were in high school. I have had a sense of peace since I got back home, even though we haven't spoken since this weekend. There's no need to belabor the point and be whiny and needy; I think I've been resisting because I thought it's what I "should" do, perhaps for reasons of selfish pride or societal stereotypes. I know he is insecure about his life right now, and I don't want to add to his anxiety, but want to be supportive. I've been laid off before, so I understand his situation. I told him to take it day by day, make sure to stay in shape and keep taking care of himself, that the universe doesn't give us more than we can handle, and that when one door closes, another somehow opens just in time, oftentimes for the better. I think he really needed to hear that, and it put him more at ease. So, I will back off and keep on living my life as usual. I know I will see him again, and I think we will have a favorable place in each other's lives even if we're not SO. Somehow, I *just know* he genuinely cares for me, but he is a headstrong entrepreneur type, so there's no way he could give me anything more right now without feeling insecure in that regard. Perhaps unfair, but just the way it is. To be accepted or not. From our very first date last June (first time seeing each other in 15+ years), I think he's known his current job ending was imminent, and I really believe it's why he's been non-committal. If he's had a crush on me since we were in elementary school (which he mentions over and over), and here we are now, then maybe we should take the time to do it right and make it last. He HAS been up front, and I don't think he's seeing anyone else. When he was talking to a work associate on the phone, he was talking about me like this guy would know who I am, and that I was the only person in his life. You'd just have to hear how he handled the conversation. So something in me says to relax, and if it doesn't happen, I will fondly remember the experience, hold my head up, and keep living my life. And yes, I'm open to something or someone else that may present itself in the interim.
Phateless Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Perfect! That's exactly the right attitude! I'm glad that you've figured yourself out, girlie. And as for making a move on him, I don't think there was anything wrong with that. Women have needs too, and you shouldn't be ashamed.
Author audrey_1 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 And as for making a move on him, I don't think there was anything wrong with that. Women have needs too, and you shouldn't be ashamed. Why yes, yes we do. I'm glad to hear that coming from a seemingly well-adjusted male. I have been rather prudish regarding sex in the past, though I have a very sensual nature. I have just wanted to make good decisions concerning it, and not feel "used." I'm not a saint, but my laundry is probably cleaner than the average 32 year old. And I'm 32! I mean...geez. Do you think it freaked him out for me to say to promise we'd always be friends after intercourse??
Phateless Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Why yes, yes we do. I'm glad to hear that coming from a seemingly well-adjusted male. I have been rather prudish regarding sex in the past, though I have a very sensual nature. I have just wanted to make good decisions concerning it, and not feel "used." I'm not a saint, but my laundry is probably cleaner than the average 32 year old. And I'm 32! I mean...geez. Do you think it freaked him out for me to say to promise we'd always be friends after intercourse?? Thanks. I don't think so... he was probably just surprised at your newfound confidence. Good decisions are fine. I've always felt that any arrangement is fine as long as both parties know what's going on and are ok with it - ie: no deception involved.
Author audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 After the weekend we spent together, I went NC. No need to be in his face, on his phone/email all the time when we're casual. If we spend time together, great. if not great. I've been busy with work and playing in a tennis league, hanging out with friends, so my mind and time are occupied. My birthday is next week, and we talked about spending it together, so last night, I sent him a quick email saying it was approaching, and if he wasn't able to drive over (100 miles), no problem, I'd appreciate the notice so I could make other plans. Apparently he was sending me an email at the EXACT same time. I pressed send and got his email saying he would come spend my b'day with me. Then I got another email that said how WEIRD it was we sent each other emails at the exact same time. Anyway, he prefaced spending time with me by saying he needed me to help with a project he's working on; it shouldn't take long. I sent him another email saying he could just email me the file. I'd simply make the changes and send it back. He ignored it and said he'd see me next week. Does this qualify as shyness, commitment phobia, or what? I think it's sorta cute and funny.
AussieJack Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 On the flipside this guy is being very forthcoming and honest about what he wants and what he can offer. He's telling her outright where he and she stand instead of stringing her along. THAT'S GOOD!!! He could just as easily lie cheat and steal. She has all the facts, all she has to do is make a choice about what she wants out of it. Either she can work with what he's offering or she can't. If it doesn't work for her, she can make the choice to end it. At least he's giving her the info and allowing her to make that decision. I could not have said it better.
Author audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 On the flipside this guy is being very forthcoming and honest about what he wants and what he can offer. He's telling her outright where he and she stand instead of stringing her along. THAT'S GOOD!!! He could just as easily lie cheat and steal. She has all the facts, all she has to do is make a choice about what she wants out of it. Either she can work with what he's offering or she can't. If it doesn't work for her, she can make the choice to end it. At least he's giving her the info and allowing her to make that decision. I could not have said it better. If I choose to "work with what he's offering," does that, in your opinion, make me a sucker? I usually don't wait around for much of anything, but for some reason, I'm willing to do that here. Again I say, does that make me a sucker?
AussieJack Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 If I choose to "work with what he's offering," does that, in your opinion, make me a sucker? I usually don't wait around for much of anything, but for some reason, I'm willing to do that here. Again I say, does that make me a sucker? Sucker ? A sucker is a victim who has usually been deceived. In this case you have been fully informed about what he wants so there is no "suckerhood" here. Further more, inspite of the hens here who will cry 'fowl', what he wants is not illegal or immoral . He wants what he wants. THats perfectly OK. IF you go along with his wants, then you are just an adult making an informed choice.
Author audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Sucker ? A sucker is a victim who has usually been deceived. Good point. No deception here. In this case you have been fully informed about what he wants so there is no "suckerhood" here. Further more, inspite of the hens here who will cry 'fowl', what he wants is not illegal or immoral. He wants what he wants. THats perfectly OK. IF you go along with his wants, then you are just an adult making an informed choice. Going along with HIS wants. I'm trying to be okay with this and not be the "hen." There's no point in pushing when he's losing his job. That would be insensitive. Right now, I'm in a better situation than he is, which I'm sure injures his pride a little. Because of our history, I'm willing to give a little more for him than I would someone else.
Phateless Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 If I choose to "work with what he's offering," does that, in your opinion, make me a sucker? I usually don't wait around for much of anything, but for some reason, I'm willing to do that here. Again I say, does that make me a sucker? Only time will tell. At least this way, you are aware that YOU are CHOOSING to stay and wait it out. Once you realize or decide or think or feel that this is not going anywhere, then you can choose to leave. You're only a sucker if you're fooling yourself by thinking he'll come around when you know he won't. He might come around and he might not. Truth be told, I have no freaking idea what he'll do. Good luck!
Author audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Only time will tell. At least this way, you are aware that YOU are CHOOSING to stay and wait it out. Once you realize or decide or think or feel that this is not going anywhere, then you can choose to leave. You're only a sucker if you're fooling yourself by thinking he'll come around when you know he won't. He might come around and he might not. Yep. I quit having the whiny inner dialogue about it. I've had other dating options, which I haven't shared with him. And been playing tennis, working, hanging with friends, as I mentioned already. My life is pretty full with or without him. Truthfully, sometimes dating doesn't really appeal to me right now. I'm having too much fun being single with the freedom to do whatever strikes me whenever it strikes me.
Phateless Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 That's exactly the point! That attitude is perfect and that's exactly why I said earlier that you've taken your power back! Just remember to hold onto this feeling.
Author audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 That's exactly the point! That attitude is perfect and that's exactly why I said earlier that you've taken your power back! Just remember to hold onto this feeling. Will do. If not, I'm sure you'll read about it...
surfcitysiren Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 The heart isn't always correct, is it? No, darlin'. BUT YOUR GUT IS. See him this weekend and treat him as you would a GIRLFRIEND. Sit down and talk honestly, openly and state your feelings clearly, concisely and without becoming EMOTIONAL. Tell him what you need/want in this relationship. Tell him you do not need or expect an answer from him---make it more as if you ALREADY KNOW the answer....because I really think you ALREADY DO. Make it a STATEMENT, NOT a request. Then make your exit with your head held high and your dignity intact. That way, he'll know EXACTLY where you stand and exactly WHY you broke it off and there will be no games of cat and mouse to follow (well, maybe ONE, in which case he is only testing you and you have GOT to CLEARLY RESTATE YOUR TERMS TO HIM and then politely wish him well and end the conversation). If it's meant to be, it will be. But you have better things to do than watch this guy ride fences. Maybe he'll do some soul searching and down the line be ready to give you what you WANT AND NEED. Maybe not. Probably not. State your needs ***without*** expectation that he'll fill them. He probably won't and that needs to be okay with you. Do what you need to do in your OWN mind and self to BE OKAY WITHOUT HIM. Figure that out and you'll be fine. AND WHATEVER YOU DO!!!! DO ***NOT*** HAVE SEX WITH HIM. Meet him at a restaraunt or other public place and state your case. DO NOT leave the premises WITH HIM. You will love yourself in the morning, I PROMISE. Repeat after me: I am NOBODY'S doormat, back burner or booty call......I am NOBODY's doormat, back burner or booty call......I am not.......
Author audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 The heart isn't always correct, is it? No, darlin'. BUT YOUR GUT IS. See him this weekend and treat him as you would a GIRLFRIEND. Sit down and talk honestly, openly and state your feelings clearly, concisely and without becoming EMOTIONAL. Tell him what you need/want in this relationship. Tell him you do not need or expect an answer from him---make it more as if you ALREADY KNOW the answer....because I really think you ALREADY DO. Make it a STATEMENT, NOT a request. Then make your exit with your head held high and your dignity intact. That way, he'll know EXACTLY where you stand and exactly WHY you broke it off and there will be no games of cat and mouse to follow (well, maybe ONE, in which case he is only testing you and you have GOT to CLEARLY RESTATE YOUR TERMS TO HIM and then politely wish him well and end the conversation). If it's meant to be, it will be. But you have better things to do than watch this guy ride fences. Maybe he'll do some soul searching and down the line be ready to give you what you WANT AND NEED. Maybe not. Probably not. State your needs ***without*** expectation that he'll fill them. He probably won't and that needs to be okay with you. Do what you need to do in your OWN mind and self to BE OKAY WITHOUT HIM. Figure that out and you'll be fine. AND WHATEVER YOU DO!!!! DO ***NOT*** HAVE SEX WITH HIM. Meet him at a restaraunt or other public place and state your case. DO NOT leave the premises WITH HIM. You will love yourself in the morning, I PROMISE. Repeat after me: I am NOBODY'S doormat, back burner or booty call......I am NOBODY's doormat, back burner or booty call......I am not....... Duly Noted!
Author audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 I've been fairly non-existent in his world this week. Up until this morning, we had exchanged a single email each on whether we would spend my birthday together. I have gotten three emails from him today...about business. I wrote a document for him he's using to secure a project, and he has changes he wants me to make while he's over. So those three emails are all "work" related. Could this be a case of FWB -- professional not sexual? Would that be a first in history?!? I had to poke fun at the situation. It helps me not to care. Oops, I said "poke."
AussieJack Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) Wellllll? Honestly? He got what he wanted, and you didn't. WRONG ! She got what she REALLY wanted inspite of what she wrote here in her earlier posts. SHE came on to him - lust and desire at work. She still WANTS an involved sexual relationship with him MORE that she does not want it. AS long as she wants it she will pursue it in the way that she did last weekend . That is what the evidence says.. It is that simple, ladies. Edited March 19, 2008 by AussieJack
Author audrey_1 Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 WRONG ! She got what she REALLY wanted inspite of what she wrote here in her earlier posts. SHE came on to him - lust and desire at work. She still WANTS an involved sexual relationship with him MORE that she does not want it. AS long as she wants it she will pursue it in the way that she did last weekend. That is what the evidence says.. It is that simple, ladies. I think you're right, actually. We have talked about not having sex a couple of times, so as not to complicate things. He said it would be fine with him, and though he's affectionate, hugs, kisses, places his hands/feet on me while we're watching TV or out for coffee, he really DID stop trying to have sex with me after the discussion that I wasn't sure I could cope with it in a non-committed relationship. He made a joke once that "he was more than a penis." The few times we do get together -- maybe once or twice a month -- I find myself planning it around my menstrual cycle. So yes, I suppose I am the lustful one. But you know what? I was VERY sexually reserved up until this point, my semi-mid 30s, and my sexual drive has noticeably changed. I would rather have occasional sex with someone I KNOW has not been a player, and who won't make me feel bad about it if it's what I decide I want. But as such, I'm prepared for our relationship never to turn lasting or serious.
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