audrey_1 Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Is it worth riding it out, or should you move on? Him: "Truth is, I actually don't feel like pursuing a serious relationship with anyone at the moment. (most likely because of business) I know I should be pursuing a serious commitment, but my logical mind (which unlike my heart has never failed/hurt me) tells me to take it one step at a time. I enjoy spending time with you, but if you're wanting to encourage that time to turn into something more, than I can't be a part of that right now. It has nothing to do with you, its 100% me." Me: "Right this moment, zero definition with you works best for me (and you), regardless of what we may or may not mean to each other as we move forward in our independent lives. But I promise to keep you involved in my life and check in on you from time to time, when our two or three week, month, year, passes by between our seeing one another when it's convenient, and I hope you do the same for me, no matter where you or I end up." This was a couple weeks ago, and now we have plans to spend this weekend together. WTF? I care about him but am getting to be so OVER it!
Krytie TV Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 He's getting exactly what he wants. A weekend together means sex for him, right? It doesn't mean a relationship for you. I wish it was as obvious to you as it is to the outside observer.
Phateless Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 It's hard to make a relationship work if you're not around the person. That doesn't mean he doesn't genuinely like you. Play it how you want to. If you're over it, then be over it and tell him. Don't force yourself to ride it out if you don't want to. You can make a choice any time you want...
sally4sara Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Taking it one day at a time when a relationship is long distance is one thing. Its quite another to have someone tell you out right that if you start to want more you can't look forward to them reciprocating or welcoming it. Don't sell yourself so short. You can definitely do better than he is offering.
SeraBella Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 If you're over it why are you making plans to spend the weekend together?
Phateless Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Taking it one day at a time when a relationship is long distance is one thing. Its quite another to have someone tell you out right that if you start to want more you can't look forward to them reciprocating or welcoming it. Don't sell yourself so short. You can definitely do better than he is offering. On the flipside this guy is being very forthcoming and honest about what he wants and what he can offer. He's telling her outright where he and she stand instead of stringing her along. THAT'S GOOD!!! He could just as easily lie cheat and steal. She has all the facts, all she has to do is make a choice about what she wants out of it. Either she can work with what he's offering or she can't. If it doesn't work for her, she can make the choice to end it. At least he's giving her the info and allowing her to make that decision.
sally4sara Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 On the flipside this guy is being very forthcoming and honest about what he wants and what he can offer. He's telling her outright where he and she stand instead of stringing her along. THAT'S GOOD!!! He could just as easily lie cheat and steal. She has all the facts, all she has to do is make a choice about what she wants out of it. Either she can work with what he's offering or she can't. If it doesn't work for her, she can make the choice to end it. At least he's giving her the info and allowing her to make that decision. But he is also telling her that he isn't going to allow her in. I agree, it's nice that he is letting her know this; I wish all cold blooded animals let you know they intend to bite you eventually!
mortensorchid Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 I was there with you, hon. One was with a needy, pathetic bunch of raw nerve ends who was looking for a mother not a lover. He never once came to see me, because seeing me meant he was declaring his intention was at least semi serious and he didn't have time to do that (but he did have time to do other things which suddenly made him too "busy" to come see me). The other? Well, it started off well. He came to see me and I him several times, but we were too different. He could have handled things a bit better in the split, but he took the coward's way out, thinking he could get out of it with a phone call rather than talking face to face. Don't get involved with someone like this. If he's always saying he's too busy, has other things going on, has his own problems, etc. like he said, BELIEVE HIM. You are not his mother. Move on. They are some bitter pills to swallow, but you must or you will get hurt.
LN99 Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 If you want a fling....or "friends w/ benefits" this is a good choice for you. If you really don't care too much about a big commitment in the future with him and are just having fun....then nothing wrong with that. I think that is how he sees things with you though. If you want more, then this isn't the guy for you. Find someone else who can offer you what you are looking for.
Jilly Bean Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 What he meant was, "I don't want a serious relationship with you. And it IS you, it's not him." He basically told you you are Ms. Right Now. If you're OK with the casual thing - then go for it!
Author audrey_1 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Wow. Thanks for the responses. Yes, I'm glad he was at least up front with me about it. If you have read my other posts, this guy found me through myspace,; we hadn't seen each other since the eighth grade when we went to different high schools. He was very shy then and didn't say much. He said he had a crush on my from elementary school all the way up until that time. He had just gotten out of a 15 month relationship. From the very beginning, he said let's "explore our feelings," that he has a tendency to rush things, and he didn't want to do that with me. But it's been nearly eight months of dating over 100 miles, and we're still "casual." As much as I think we connect on a lot of levels, I just don't think it's going to happen for us, but every time I try to break it off, it's like he ignores the fact I'm telling him it's over. He won't accept it. It's weird. And we haven't had sex in over a month, and we've seen each other a couple of times. We've even talked about not doing it anymore, and asked whether we feel we're using each other. It's confusing.
Phateless Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 But he is also telling her that he isn't going to allow her in. I agree, it's nice that he is letting her know this; I wish all cold blooded animals let you know they intend to bite you eventually! By telling her what he wants he's doing nothing wrong. She now is able to make the choice of what to do, knowing full-well where his intentions lie. If she's hoping for more, she should stay away. If she's ok with this arrangement, she should go ahead.
SeraBella Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 As much as I think we connect on a lot of levels, I just don't think it's going to happen for us, but every time I try to break it off, it's like he ignores the fact I'm telling him it's over. He won't accept it. It's weird. And we haven't had sex in over a month, and we've seen each other a couple of times. We've even talked about not doing it anymore, and asked whether we feel we're using each other. It's confusing. I was seeing a guy for almost 2 years like that! It never turned into anything, and I tried to end it AT LEAST once a month. I have NO IDEA why I let it go on for so long...I guess I just kept hoping. But I'd say I didn't want to see him anymore, go through all of my feelings in detail and sometimes even was mean to him, but somehow it NEVER ended. He'd say something to give me hope he'd change and things would get more serious, or he'd act like he agreed we should end things but the next day be calling me again as if nothing happened. I'm sure after a few times he realized I was a pushover and he had complete control. I agree with the others...if you want something casual then enjoy it; but if you're looking for a substantial, serious relationship end it.
LN99 Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 (edited) Maybe it's just too soon for him to get involved in a relationship again. (but if he really wanted to be with you, he would be.) But, more then likely, it won't progress further then it has already. Of course he doesn't want to let you go. I mean...no strings and sex when you guys get together is a good thing for him. But, the only way your gonna get what you want is by putting your foot down. Either he will accept it .....or he won't. At least then you won't be settling for less then you want. Be happy he was upfront though. I think most of us have met men who only wanted sex without a committed relationship and WEREN'T honest about it. Now that hurts to find out afterwards. I think if both people are upfront about what they want in the beginning, its admirable. Edited March 4, 2008 by LN99
Author audrey_1 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 I sent him an email saying we can talk about it face to face this weekend. That I'm not okay with our situation, that I don't want to be an FWB, and I don't want to date casually if there's not possibility for more. I don't even think we have possibility at this point, and I can't accept feeling powerless in the situation. So that's that, I guess. Sometimes you've just gotta suck it up. The heart isn't always correct, is it?
Phateless Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 I sent him an email saying we can talk about it face to face this weekend. That I'm not okay with our situation, that I don't want to be an FWB, and I don't want to date casually if there's not possibility for more. I don't even think we have possibility at this point, and I can't accept feeling powerless in the situation. So that's that, I guess. Sometimes you've just gotta suck it up. The heart isn't always correct, is it? Good for you, girl!! That was exactly the right move. Now you have to be truly willing to walk away if he can't offer you what you want. This is NOT about playing games or negotiating or about playing hardball... it's about knowing that YOU are worth more and deserve to get what you want.
Author audrey_1 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 You think so? I feel good about it. I think I was feeling guilty about breaking my engagement a year ago, because I don't like hurting people, and as a result, was willing to take a little more than I would otherwise. The childhood crush thing was cute and all, but I don't think he's really that in to me. I find him incredibly attractive, but I'll have to get over that. I'll live.
SeraBella Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Now you have to be truly willing to walk away if he can't offer you what you want. This is NOT about playing games or negotiating or about playing hardball... it's about knowing that YOU are worth more and deserve to get what you want. I think this needs to be taped to the bathroom mirror for a lot of people (both women and men - myself included, I'm sure). It's so hard to accept sometimes, but it's true. We (as humans) just don't like to think that they will find someone better, or that they didn't love us the way we wanted them to. Sometimes it's not even that WE love them, it's just that they didn't love us. Audrey, I think that was great to say that to him. And the fact that you feel good about it proves it was the right thing to do. Good luck this weekend...maybe tape Phateless's words to your mirror...so you can keep that in your mind.
Author audrey_1 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Very, very true. In fact, I think I will print it out and keep it somewhere close. He can be charming, and I foresee him either trying to dangle a carrot to keep stringing me along, or he will be fine with our ending it and act like it doesn't matter. In fact, after this email, I'm going NC until the weekend when I travel into town to hang out with my dad for his b'day, which is the only reason I'd be within visiting distance anyway. I don't expect to hear from him until then, or maybe not even then, and I'm debating on waiting to see if he contacts me when he knows I'm probably in town or just to let it go altogether. At this point, I couldn't care less if we have the breakup talk in person or not. Blah, blah, blah. It's just a respect thing, but I'm wondering why I should even bother.
Phateless Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 I'm glad what I said could help! I realized after the breakup of my 5 year relationship how unhappy and insecure I was and that's why I settled for her. I vowed never again. If my needs aren't being met and she won't compromise, I AM GONE!! I meet a lot of girls now, and I know that I can safely hold out for one that blows my mind. Everyone should love themselves enough to feel the same way.
Author audrey_1 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 I've been thinking about this weekend's face to face session. I'm wondering if we even need to have this discussion at all. I haven't sen him in over a month, so he's fading from my mind. Why see him and stir it all up again when telling him it's over? I know it's a more respectful thing to do, but do I really owe him that? Maybe just another short, sweet email will suffice, and I'll make other plans to make sure I'm occupied. What do you think?
sally4sara Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I would just send him a heads up email and then discuss it over the phone. Going all the way to his place might send the message that you want to end it but he still has a shot at goodbye sex. If a one last time is fine with you, just be careful about contraceptive use. Nothing sucks worse than having to call someone you ended things with to tell them you're pregnant! Me, knowing what I know now, I'd save myself the travel expense and spend the money on ME instead. I've found that uncertainty is the worst foreplay around and the sex had in this kind of situation doesn't do it for me. I dated a guy like others mentioned in this thread and like what you say you think he will try. Where you tell them its not working out and they give you just enough to make you think they've reconsidered their stance on things. Its messy and can deal a blow to your self esteem. If he starts to dangle the carrot in front of you, try to nail down what you want out of this; be clear. If he squirms, you'll know he doesn't mean a word. But don't be surprised if anything he says he is cool with evaporates with the following day's sun rise. It becomes like a game to a guy like previously mentioned. Almost like they want to break your resolve so they can feel irresistible while you just feel like a fool each time. Good luck!
SeraBella Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I've been thinking about this weekend's face to face session. I'm wondering if we even need to have this discussion at all. I haven't sen him in over a month, so he's fading from my mind. Why see him and stir it all up again when telling him it's over? I know it's a more respectful thing to do, but do I really owe him that? Maybe just another short, sweet email will suffice, and I'll make other plans to make sure I'm occupied. What do you think? I don't really think it's necessary to do it in person. But I don't know if my response is the best answer. I'd say maybe over telephone rather than by email, but if all of your communication is via email, I guess why not? How do you think he would do it? Seeing him will definitely stir things up, and you may decide not to end things. It gives him more of a chance to "defend" himself and gives you more of a chance to retract your opinion. You'll be in a cloud, and leave there feeling even more confused.
Author audrey_1 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 So I saw him this weekend. Spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday night with him. We talked a lot, laughed, worked out together, watched a movie...though I knew we needed to have this discussion, and I had mentioned it to him so he was expecting it, we both skirted around it. Really, I hate having those "talks." He mentioned where he is with his job right now, the prospects he's working on, since his last day with his current employment is end of April. He mentioned that if he gets a specific contract, he would like me to travel along to do PR work, that it wouldn't be full time, but that if I was interested, I was welcome, because I've been successful in the industry. We were sitting outside a a cafe, talking about our future plans, for which we are similar in our philosophy, and he said "It's why we get along so well." I'm wondering if my independence, and the fact that I keep asserting it, so he won't think I'm a leech or trying to pressure him for a relationship, will end up working against me. Or if I should give him a break and take him at his word that he's trying to get it together, so he can give me what I deserve in a LTR. We flirted, but he did not make any sexual advances toward me. He really doesn't make me feel like a "piece of meat." But I ended up coming on to him Sunday night...oops. When we're together, it usually lasts a couple of hours and is amazing, but he climaxed pretty quickly and apologized for it (which didn't bother me). Yes, I slipped, but I'm 32, dangit, and he knows I'm not promiscuous. When we were laying there afterward and drifting toward sleep, I said, "No matter what happens, promise me we'll still be friends," and offered him my hand, which he shook." I said, "promise." He looked kind of surprised but kind of grumbled "yeah, ok." Thoughts?
sunshinegirl Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Wellllll? Honestly? He got what he wanted, and you didn't. I just read your thread today and was going to advise you not to see him in person - after all, he had already very clearly told you what he could offer you; it wasn't okay with you; therefore, I think you should have ended it by phone. It did not sound negotiable, at all. Now, you're tangled up in more "confusion" because your feelings have been triggered by all that time you spent together. But from what I read, he didn't indicate that anything on his side of the table has changed. In fact, he didn't even come on to you - you initiated things on Sunday night! Please take care of yourself. As an outside observer it seems really clear and obvious that you want something different than he does. Hope you're doing okay.
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