One day at a time

[NotQuiteWhole]

I only stumbled on this site a few days ago, during a "down"time in my recovery from my wifes affair. But in just reading some of the stories here, it's been a big help. I mean it's totally depressing that so many people are going through similar problems in their lives, but at the same time kind of comforting that I'm not in this alone.

 

Long story following, so if you aren't into reading and don't have some popcorn... turn back before it's too late!

 

I found out about my wifes affair in a rather unusual way. About 6 months ago, were were at a really low point in our just about 7 year marriage. We spent most nights in separate rooms, me watching TV or falling asleep on the couch and her playing Second Life. If you aren't familiar with Second Life, it's basically a virtual chat room where you make another you, but this one you can make look any way that you like. You dress them up, give them a home, have to work to make money, etc. It really is a second life. In any event, this is what the chat rooms of old have evolved into. Every night she would log into this "game" and chat with friends, work at a night club in the game, etc. Most of the time it was just a place for her to talk to people. She's always had a lot of friends in her life and was having a hard time finding some so this place became her place to escape. Now, I had for years before now been playing online games and would do this anywhere from 3 to 6 nights a week. But I usually tried to make time for us to do something, be it watch a TV show each week, or go on a date, or whatever. When we had our child (my first her second (I'll get to it... long story remember)) I would be on kid duty 4 nights a week and she would take the other 3. Those were the 3 that I would use to play online (actual games, not Second Life here). In any event, after all those years of playing the games at night, I figured who was I to tell her she needed to come spend time with me when she never asked me to while I was playing all those years. Now in a healthy relationship we would have told each other how we felt and worked out a plan to allow both of us to be happy, but instead we just went on about our business. So each night I go to the computer room to say "hi" and see how she's doing and when I get the "I'm fine" speech I would head out to the couch. We tried to do some online things together, like before Second Life it was Pogo (online games with a chat room attached). She was in a league that I joined with her and we would play those games several nights a week. But we both tired of those games and eventually worked our way to where we were. So one night I go in to say good night to her and notice on the screen an Instant message (private chat within the Second Life game) that said something along the lines of "hold on the hubby is coming" to which the guy she was talking to replied "gee leave it to the hubby to spoil the mood". Normally she would minimize this type of window, but since it really didn't say anything bad or for whatever reason she left it open. I noticed it and sort of jokingly said "oh now I'm a mood spoiler am I?" to which she laughed and said "no of course not sweetheart". She said it was just some harmless flirting and nothing more. So I took her for her word and kissed her goodnight and left the room. Now I don't know why I stopped but I got into the hallway and couldn't move another step.

 

Now before you jump to any conclusions (yes it does go MUCH, MUCH farther then you are thinking right now) let me say that the reason this hit a nerve was that I had seen it before... but I was the guy she was talking to. I mentioned she had a child before the one we had, well that's because she was married before. And we had met in a chat room 10+ years earlier while that marriage was falling apart. We talked as friends while she was still married and she would discuss with me things she couldn't discuss with her then husband. And since they were living together at the time, he would occasionally walk into the room and I would be the one getting the "hold on the hubby is coming" line. She left him soon after that and he never even tried to fight for her, so it was over for them. During that mending time we talked more and more till we fell in love. Which brings me back to why this bothered me so much. If it was harmless flirting then why would it need to stop because I was entering the room? Enough was enough, I wasn't happy with the way things were... I wanted my wife back and I wasn't going to get that not talking to her. So I went back in and said I wasn't OK with her response and wanted to really know what was going on. I think she was shocked that I cared or something because she told me that she was having explicit chats with some of the guys in Second Life. She at first denied that she was having cyber sex with them, but knowing my wife I asked if the guys were getting off... which was met with silence... so yeah she was having cyber sex no matter what she wanted to call it. So we talked, and talked for a good hour and she said that she was ashamed that she would go that far when I was just in the next room and all she had to do was talk to me. I admitted my fault of not doing just the same and it seemed like everything was going to be good or at least on the mend. We went to bed and she actually fell asleep quickly which she hadn't done in a long time, so it seemed like we had done some good. But of course now that I was clued into things, I had to be sure and I just couldn't sleep. Now I am NOT a jealous person on any level. If my wife wants to talk to guys, I trust her to do the right thing and always had... but now I had a reason to question things I couldn't let that go. So I got up and went back to her computer and logged in. I hated myself for even thinking there might be more and kept telling myself that we were done with all the bad stuff, and after a while of searching through her emails and such I didn't find anything at all. Then I noticed there was a chat log section in her email window (she uses gmail which is totally online if you don't know about it already). It was here that I found a questionable line of chats with one person. Now the chats are saved with the most recent chat at the top and the older one's below it. So I started at the top after they had been talking for months. At this point they had been talking for so long that it was more mundane conversation and I almost blew it off after reading a few of the ones on top. But when I was about to turn off the computer I saw it. Some very explicit question regarding a sexual position preference. Her response wasn't one of shock, it was just reply like this was normal conversation. So I figured I needed to start at the bottom (the very first chat) and work my way back up and that's where I found out everything. Again it starts as normal conversation since it's the beginning of things, but quickly gets into talk about sex and something that really threw me for a loop... what she was wearing that day. On a chat that would seem normal, but her response was "why didn't you come outside so you could see for yourself this morning". We were out of Second Life here and into Real Life! The chat gets more and more personal with tails of renting some movies and coming over the house to watch them together on my couch (which I've given away and bought a new one). To explicit memories of things that were done in my kitchen or on the floor of my kitchen (even now after 6 months of knowing this, my fingers are shaking typing this). Even as far as planning the first day they were going to have sex with a "You better be off work tomorrow" and a reply of "I'm working a double today so it is guaranteed". What's more is they also spoke of how if their spouses found out (and they say my name and his wifes name (oh yeah did I mention he's married too... more on that in a sec)) they'd be dead. It goes on until I come to the end of the chats. So as it turns out this is my next door neighbor that she is having an affair with. And now that I have an email address to do a search on, I find all kinds of emails from her to him. She writes poems to him, tells him that he excites her and that she likes having someone in her life to talk to. Even when she goes on a trip to visit her family in another state, there are emails from her to him saying how she missed him, etc. This was basically going back almost a year from when I was finding out about it. And to be honest the only reason it didn't go any further then it already had was because his work got so out of wack time wise that he just wasn't able to see her at a time of day that she wasn't at work or just plain busy with kids or whatever. But they still had glances across the room, etc. some even during one of our kids birthdays (where he wouldn't look at me even to say hello... and I thought he was just shy ). So I go about printing copies of all of these chats and forwarding them to my emails so I have endless copies of all of this evidence. Meanwhile while I'm waiting for things to print I'm just pacing around the room or in the kitchen just talking to myself. Finally I get done with all of it and it's like 3 AM at this point. So I head into the bedroom and turn on the lights and wake her up. I say point blank "did you **** our next door neighbor" to which at first she looks at me with a "WHAT!?!?" face and for a second I think 'oh man I'm wrong...' but it was a short moment as I repeat my question to only be met with tears. I tell her that I read everything and I know about all that's been going on. And every question I still have she responds to. She tries to hold back on a few things, but I already know a partial answer so I remind her of what I know and she doesn't hold back anymore. This goes on to well after 4 AM with her asking what I want to do next. Meanwhile I never lost my temper, never yelled (kids in the next two rooms, but I wasn't exactly thinking about them at that point), I kinda rationally just kept asking questions till I was satisfied. So I answered that she should just go to sleep and for some reason right then I said that I wasn't going to divorce her. My heart was going at double speed, but I eventually got an hour of sleep before having to go to work.

 

She had already been home the day before sick (we also work together and yes she was actually sick) so for her to take another day off seemed normal. And was good because it gave me time to think. By the time I got home I greeted her and asked how she was feeling recovering from her sickness and all (yeah my civil attitude took me by surprise too) and then I went to go change and she came in but didn't speak. As I went to walk past her she grabbed my hand and it was like en electric shock went through my body. I wanted to pull away but couldn't and that's when I completely lost it. I broke down crying and couldn't stop. I told her how she completely destroyed me and how I've never been hurt so deeply in my entire life. This of course made her cry because she actually does love me too, and all she could say was that she was sorry and would give me all the space I needed. We went on talking for a few hours and the kids (who were still awake) were awesome and just played together in the other room (yes we explained to them that we were going through things and how proud we were of them for giving us some space which they accepted). Over the next few weeks, we talked and pretty much shared everything. I would have break downs and it would lead to other revelations. Then I finally had the final breakthrough needed where I fully accepted that this was as much my fault as it was hers. She took it much farther then I ever did or would (I would NEVER be with another woman even if she told me to just to even things up... it's just not me) but I let her down as a husband too. We didn't talk, we didn't share things, we closed each other off and just thought everything was ok. I had realized that she was just doing with our neighbor what she wanted to do with me but for whatever reason couldn't ask me. She never loved him, and in all the emails I never once saw an "I love you" or even a "lov ya" at all, so I tend to believe her. We now talk all the time and about everything. I still can't forgive her for what she did to me, but I'm doing my best to let it go. As I said at the beginning of this post, I do have my "down" times where I'm just focusing too much on the negative past and not enough on the here and now. I also have problems fully trusting her all the time which I'm working on. But I still scan her emails from time to time (which I haven't told her I do). She actually did send the next door neighbor a "hey long time to see stranger" email the other day (pretty much what set off the "down" time) and it got a couple word response (somewhat inappropriate on his part) to which she replied that he was full of it (jokingly). But other then that, she hasn't ever spoken with him other then the every now and again hi because our kids play together. Second life also is still in our lives, but we actually play it together and she has told everyone that she is spoken for and if they want to be friends great but no more "flirting". And she has kept her word... yeah I was logging all of her conversations for a while there at first without her knowledge. But when I saw that she was acting perfectly, even telling a guy "sorry but I love my husband too much to ever risk hurting him again" which made me fess up that there was this feature she didn't know about (and no she wasn't just staging that, she honestly didn't know I was reading her chat logs) and that I was turning it off because I trust her. And I do trust her even with the occational checking of email I do... but am I just fooling myself or am I justified in occasionally check up on her?

 

The only other problem left on my plate, and it has been since I learned about all this, is the neighbor's wife. Their marriage is strained due to their conflicting work schedules. They almost never see each other, but when they do they seem to be happy (and my wife tells me he says he still loves her). But I don't know if she would blow up and divorce him right off or not, but they do have two great kids. I would be heart broken if my telling her broke up their marriage and basically hurt the kids to boot. Would I want to know if it were the other way around? Yes but then again I know that I wouldn't jump right to divorce and would at least try and work it out. So I've still been conflicted about that as their older boy has already had a few problems since his dad is basically working when he's asleep and asleep when he's awake. A divorce might really be too much for him. But then again she does have a right to know. But I still remain silent and yes I often wonder if he's behaving because he knows I have the goods on him or if he's really respecting me and my wifes renewed love and devotion toward each other. But I'll save that for another "down" time.

 

Well if you've actually read this far, thanks... I couldn't even bring myself to proof read this before I posted it because it was sooooo long... man I do ramble on. It felt good to just tell someone even if I don't know any of you. I'm doing all this without telling my friends and family as I don't want any ill will between them and my wife. I'm also doing this without counseling because I just can't afford that no mater if it would help or not. Though all in all, I think I have a pretty decent outlook on things and beside the occational over emotional states I go through (some of those cartoons have some heart felt moments alright!) I'm doing pretty well. And even though it hurts her, I always can talk to my wife. In any event, thanks for listening.

[In Like Flynn]

Two things if you are actually serious about recovery you need to do two things....

1. Stop the Chat Room BS!!! (I have no sympathy for people who do these chat sites..They all end the same way) Do you have to keep sticking your finger in the socket or is the one shock enough???

2. Tell the OM's wife immediately...see deserves to know.

 

If you can't do at least these two things do not expect to recover your marriage. Anyone addicted to these sites needs to get a life...spend the time with your kids!!!

Edited March 3, 2008 by In Like Flynn

[norajane]

1. Yes, you're going to feel the need to check up on your wife for a long time. Her affair happened right under your nose with the neighbor...she didn't even need to be online for that to happen. That she continues to be online will remain a point of doubt. My suggestion would be to get off the computer at night and BOTH of you have 'kid duty' together. And maybe go out once a week and spend time together off the computer. Start a sport or hobby with the kids that all of you can participate in and turn the Second Life off. You only get ONE life. LIVE IT instead of living vicariously through a computer game.

 

2. I don't know about telling the neighbor's wife. Are you prepared to sell your home and move? Because it could get ugly and it may come to that in the end.

[Mrmojorisin]

NoQuite,

I found out my wife was having an affair this last Christmas..Merry friggin Christmas to me, Huh...

Anywho, you need to check out community counselors. We are going to one at a place that mostly helps battered women, but they do couples counseling as well. They charge on a sliding scale based on your income. My sessions are only $35 each one hour session.

My wife cheated with a single man, but had he been married, then I would have told his wife. You have to tell his wife. Give her the evidence, because he will paint you as a jealous fool.She deserves to know. You said he works an odd schedule, he may have had several affairs over the years. There is the whole worry about STD's, HIV and all. Speaking of which you should get yourself checked out. I did...

[TMCM]

I commend you on your behavior for instead of flying off the handle like so many betrayed spouses, your composure and civility towards your wife probably did more to show her your love for her in spite of the pain she inflicted on you. But while you can't force her to end all contact with the OM, you should ask her if the roles were reversed would she want you to still have contact with the OW? Chances are she'll say no. Then convey to her the a NC (no contact) letter or email would do wonders towards helping to rebuild the trust that was shattered by her affair. Obviously you can't and you shouldn't force her but if she loves you she'll see the truth in this and will comply with your request.

 

As far as telling the OM wife about the affair, I agree that she has every right to know BUT since you don't know how she'll react, you may want to consider sending an anonymous letter without telling her who you are or revealing the identity of the woman her husband had an affair with. The OM will undoubtedly get an earful from his wife and like most OM will avoid contacting your wife like the plague for he will then know that the party is over, that you know the truth and if he's dumb enough to try to contact your wife, you will inform his wife ASAP.

 

I hope you give this some thought and then act as you best see fit.

[LakesideDream]

Not quite whole. I don't understand why you should feel any responsibility for all of this. You didn't lie, cheat, and steal (affection and time) from your wife. She did all of that to you, and gaslighted you to boot.

 

Many men today feel the same way you do. Many were raised in the current system that demands shades of grey and shared responsibility where those things are not appropriate.

 

It's like playing organized baseball or basketball and not keeping score (not sure it matters with soccor). You didn't do the "bad things". You didn't lay down with your neighbor. You may have "lacked sensivity", the catch all Class 1 Felony of the politically correct society.

 

Until you demand the moral high ground you deserve, and stop "sharing" responsibility for your wife's bad actions you will not be in a position to direct the future of your marriage. You wife currently is not making good decisions. The simple reality that she is still "playing" second life, a game designed for pre and young teens, is evidence enough that she hasn't committed to her "first life".

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't try to forgive, or even forget. I'm saying you need to take the blinders off and make a thoughtful decision about the road you are taking.

[NotQuiteWhole]

I appreciate your responses. A note about Second Life. It is absolutely not a kids play area. If you have kids even teens playing it, then wipe it from their computer and lock it out with your firewall. It is so not a place for kids, heck it can be rough for adults as well if you get sucked into the drama. But really it's nothing more then a real time forum like the one we are all posting on right now. It's a place to meet and talk to other people. We have real friends that we've both made there that live all over the world. Where else can you talk to people on the other side of the planet for free? Also it's a place that you can create anything you want. If you can't find a chair you like, design one yourself. If you are really creative you can do things like make glasses that translate other languages to your's so you can speak with people that wouldn't normally understand you (and yes you can get those in game). I love to design computer code and that is what attracted me to the game. I don't do it to make money or have get rich quick schemes, but it's just fun for me. Also I'm a very shy person when face to face with people (and yes I still do get out and quite often). But give me a pen and paper... or in this case a monitor and keyboard and suddenly I'm the life of the party. Besides, if it wasn't for chat rooms, I never would have met my wife and yes even with all of the things I've gone through I don't want to imagine my life without her. I still consider myself lucky to have her in my life and to be able to share in hers as silly as that may sound to anyone else.

 

As far as my responsibility in all this, you're right LakesideDream I didn't lie, cheat, or steal. What I did was shut her out. I closed off my emotions (which I've done all my life) and went about life ignoring my lonely feelings. I had a warm blooded human being in the very next room from me and all I had to do to be with her was say "honey, would you like to sit on the couch with me and cuddle?" or "how about we get a babysitter and go out tonight?". Nope, instead I read books, watched movies alone, played video games, did anything I could to avoid being turned down from someone who wouldn't ever turn me down. It was like being in high school wishing I could say something to that cute girl across the room, but instead I just kept on wishing instead of doing. The stupid thing was... I already had that girl and I still seemed to push her away. When I had problems or fears about bills, the kids, whatever, I didn't turn to my wife and say "can you help me get through this" I just bottled it all up and never said a word. You may not realize it but you really shut down after years of doing that. It's slow, but eventually you can't hide the fact that you are hiding things. How is that a relationship? It's not... it's roommates at best. First and foremost I've always been her best friend and she has always been mine, but somewhere along the lines I forgot that or just buried it away. I've found it again and I'm not going to lose it this time. But that is where I failed her. Yes, could she as easily talked to me... sure, but sometimes people don't realize they are missing something until they find it somewhere else. Then they just know they are getting what they are missing from someone else and live off of that. Was it wrong... absolutely! Do I wish it never happened... of course. But it happened and I have to admit that I did take a part in making it happen to some degree no matter how small my part in it was.

 

We've always been an active family. We have game nights with the kids, we unplug on the weekends and go to the park, or to local festivals/fairs/etc., craft shows, plays, musicals, and on and on. The problem has never been doing things as a family it was after the kids went to bed. Everything that was done was taken the wrong way because we lacked the most important aspect to a successful marriage, which is communication. She viewed sex with me as something she had to do not something she wanted. She saw the cards I got her for her birthday or whatever as just fulfilling my duty and not because I actually meant every word in them. On and on... and I had no clue. I was oblivious to the problems in our marriage because we simply didn't talk. Now all we do is talk and it's wonderful. The beginning of our relationship was all talk because we met in a chat room but lived in different states. And with all that talking combined I think we've actually talked more in the last 6 months. And it's not always about the bad things, but just small talk. We actually enjoy talking to each other again. When something happens during the day, I'm the first person she calls to share the news with. I find little notes left all over the place for me just to say hi or that she loves me. I'll find myself grabbing a bunch of flowers from the store just because or writing a note to her from one of her stuffed animals just because it wants her to know that he/she thinks some guy is in love with her (me in case you were wondering). Corney I know, but it makes her smile so big you think her cheeks might explode. And a lot of the time I can't even see her when she reads the note, but I can hear it in her voice when she calls me the second she found it. To hear a smile across the phone is pretty special. So yeah, we have our problems, but I don't think we are as bad off as you might think (yeah today is a good day).

 

As for the neighbor, that is my problem. No I'm not ready to move, I like my house. As for an anonymous note, I don't see how that is possible because there are only 3 people in the world that know about it and all 3 of them know the other knows. I've thought about forwarding the chat logs via email to her, but besides the fact that it would be the same as the anonymous note I know how I felt reading that stuff. I can't do that to her. Again that still leaves the kids in the middle of all of it. Yes she really does deserve to know and make the decision herself, but I just can't bear to hurt those kids and a messy divorce will definitely shatter their world. I don't care about hurting him. I never have really. But his wife has always been really nice to us and our kids. And her kids are great friends to my kids. It's a lot of lives to ruin. I know I didn't do the act that caused it all to begin with, but I have the power to keep it hidden. At least until he finds someone else to replace my wife.

[Owl]

Ok, I admit I couldn't sit and read every line of what you wrote, so I'll apologize up front if you've stated something and I missed it.

 

But there are a couple of SCREAMING flags here that I think need to be addressed.

 

Before I go any further, I'd like to post one thing for you:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

That's my story. You'll love some of the similarities in it.

 

So I understand how addictive online gaming is.

 

But here's the thing. There is NO WAY that your marriage is going to be able to recover if contact of ANY kind is maintained with OM (your neighbor). Online, or off.

 

How can you POSSIBLY be comfortable that the lies and cheating aren't still going on behind your back? Online, or off?

 

The issue is this...first, she really does have to let go of ANY kind of contact with him...FOREVER. That's not possible while you're living next to him. They may end the affair for a while...but the possibility of it resuming remains very high if there's any kind of continued contact.

 

Nor will you ever be able to rebuild any of your trust and faith in her while he remains in the picture.

 

Are the two of you in marriage counseling? Make sure that you get a counselor who understands how to recover a marriage from infidelity...preferably one with a good understanding of the marriagebuilders methodology or something similar.

 

Like I'd mentioned...we went through a VERY similar thing, only in our case I was lucky enough that OM was on the other side of the country. Yours ISN'T...and that is going to play a HUGE factor in your odds of marital recovery.

 

Read my story, think about my advice. We're coming up on four years now since her EA. And we're recovered VERY well.

[NotQuiteWhole]

You got the gist Owl, though my wife did go all the way, cheating is cheating no matter how you look at it. My problem is the very fact that he is my neighbor. Unless I tell his wife (which is a part of my dilemma as well) our kids still play together and have out of school activities which we share carpool duty for. This is mostly with the wife though, but on rare occasion my wife will drop the kids off and he will be there. When that first happened, she actually came home excited that she saw him for the first time since I found out (it had been a month at that point) and saw that she felt absolutely nothing for him. She was so excited that she practically came home and jumped into my arms. Was it staged? Was she just fooling herself? Time will tell. But on that note, how can you ever be sure that things won't happen again if you just hide from them? If you cut off all contact, how do you know that you just aren't observing the "out of sight out of mind" effect. What if after 5 years all of a sudden a chance meeting makes the flood of emotion come back and builds the desire to cheat again? To be honest, I'd rather know now if she's going to not be able to be faithful to me rather then invest another 10 years or more before finding out. What's that old saying... if you love something set it free, and if it comes back to you something something something... lol ok the end escapes me but it's something about it must be love or to that effect. I can't expect her to live without freedom and to love me honestly and completely on her terms and mine. If I'm not worthy of that level of love then let's call it quits now and I'll go be devastated in my little corner for a year... but at least I'll get my life back. She's promised to love me completely and never do anything to break that. She even wants to renew our wedding vows on our next anniversary.

 

I have asked her though to not try and make any contact with him outside of unavoidable meetings due to our kids. To which she absolutely had no problems with doing. I mentioned that I'm not a jealous person, and I can not live with myself if I have those feelings of jealousy. I hate that I am going through moments like that almost as much as I hate that my wife cheated on me. I need to get back to trusting her as much as I possibly can in order to be with her, and I can't do that if I shelter her from temptation. There will always be doubt if I do that, and I just can't go on like that.

[Owl]

I understand your fears...maybe better than you realize.

 

But let me ask you something. Are there "former" alchoholics? "Former" cocaine addicts?

 

Nope.

 

Once addicted, they remain addicted FOREVER.

 

The difference is if they're still USING.

 

The way that the prevent themeselves from using is by avoiding contact with their addiction. Recovering alchoholics don't go to bars. Recovering drug addicts stay out of crack houses.

 

Your wife...who WAS MOST DEFINITELY addicted to the feelings created when she had her affair with OM...should avoid HER drug of choice as well.

 

You are absolutely 100% right. If she were to run into him 5 years from now, and if it were during one of those downswings in your marriage that we all go through...yes, she could restart the affair. WHICH IS WHY YOU INSIST ON NC FOR LIFE.

 

For that matter, how do YOU expect to recover, living in a situation where it could EASILY resume at any time? Wouldn't you feel MORE comfortable living in a situation that at least has measures in place to make it far more difficult for it to 'accidentally' resume?

 

You SHOULD tell his wife. Let her decide what she's going to do in her own marriage. If she decides to stay married, then you've got one more set of eyes on the whole situation to help prevent it from resuming. If she doesn't...at least now she gets the CHANCE to make that informed decision. Living a lie prevents even that.

 

I understand your fear. But burying the whole thing under a rug and hoping it won't start up ISN'T the answer. It sets the stage FOR that to happen. Affairs thrive on that darkness...getting it all out into the light is what affair partners fear most.

 

Get it out in the open. Tell your wife you fear and concern. Start looking for ways to break away from him COMPLETELY. Or the odds are high you're going to have a relapse of the affair even sooner than you think.

 

But that choice is ultimately yours.

[Mrmojorisin]

NotQuite,

You need to tell his wife. She deserves to know. One thing that really pisses me off, it that most people say nothing when they see someone cheating on their spouse. If you tell his wife and they divorce, it is not your fault. It is not something that you did. It is HIS fault.

Didn't you hate living the lie? If she were one day to find out, she will be hurt even more that no one told her. She will think that you were laughing behind her back because you did not care enough to say anything. Like I said before, this may not be his first affair. You HAVE to tell her. Otherwise, you are an accomplice to the affair.

How can you look her in the eyes when your kids play together?

[Darth Vader]

Renew your wedding vows? Obviously that didn't mean anything to her the first time! It didn't mean anything to her while she was riding the neighbor! Man, If I were you she'd be outta there! The affair's probably still going on underground. She's walking all over you! She's playing you! Tell the neighbors wife! OM's counting on the fact that you won't tell, so he can continue to have your wife ride him! That should make you PISSED! I know you're not past the images. Her affair was not your fault, it was hers! So don't take any blame for her actions!

[Darth Vader]

If your wife was so sorry, she wouldn't have had sex with him either.

[trifecta]

Ahhhhhh..so it all comes full circle.

 

plus

 

What's important here?

 

Your neighbours marriage or yours?

[Darth Vader]

IMO, if I were you, I wouldn't even want my children to even be around such a piece of scum like OM. To think, that he'd be talking to them knowing what he did with their mom. Do you really want your children around that?

[MarriedLife]

You're open to working on your marriage and communicating. You're already ahead of the game. Just be cautious. Your wife just might have a wandering eye or a swinger mindest. You need to talk about these things and get it all out in the open. That's what best friends do. Let neighbor guy be responsible for telling his own wife. I'd stay out of that mess.

 

I hear many say that there is no hope if contact continues between the wayward spouses. I think that's a blanket statement. Feelings and emotions change overtime. If you're confident with yourself and you and your wife have built up a real trust then a platonic relationship between your wife and another man or you and another woman shouldn't matter.

[jenniferc1114]

In some of my past posts, I have not recommended telling the other innocent spouse. My theory has always been "why make that person suffer or be in pain too"?

Yes if the OM was completly out of the picture and was putting true effort in his own marriage, there may not be a reason to just hurt his wife. However this situation is very different. You are neighbors. Telling her in this scenerio is not just to be mean & hurt her, but to protect her as well as yourself. With the fact you can not move, I do not see this ending well for any of you. It might be ok for now, but what happens 2 years from now. Your work may make you too tired to show effort, he's always going to be right there when she has that "feeling". You can't keep drugs in the same room with an addict. Tell the wife, if anything she may be your insurance in the future that your marriage is still ok.

[Darth Vader]

To the poster of this Thread: Did you suggest that the wife shouldn't be told, or, did your wife say that? It would be very interesting if your wife even suggested or hinted it......... That would tell us a lot!