InDeNile Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I've been a long-time lurker here--this is my first post. This is sort of a summary of my story... Last July I found out my H was involved in a long-distance affair with a woman he met at a conference. (she lives in another state) A majority of the affair was emotional and took place through daily phone calls and emails. However, through some detective work, I learned that on three occassions he lied to me about attending work functions out of state--and actually was visiting her on her own work functions. However, HE HAS NEVER ADMITTED TO THESE ACTIONS, ALTHOUGH I HAVE FOUND PROOF. She was married at the time they started the affair, but left her husband during the course of it. They are now divorced. She had STRONGLY encouraged my husband to leave me, and he was considering it. I found out that he was lying to me about another business trip and was actually flying to Chicago to visit her. I confronted him about it and he confessed. I told him it was over and for him to leave. He did not leave, but we had an "in house separation" for several weeks. I had to go out of town to visit a sick relative, and before I left I discovered he was planning to fly the OW down here while I was gone. This was the last straw and I asked him to be out of our house when I returned. Well, when I got back home, he told me he wanted to work on things with me and work on fixing our relationship. This was in late August. We have been going to Couples Counseling. He claims he ended everything with the OW and hasn't spoken to her since August. The problem is---I know he was never 100% honest with me during or after the affair. I do believe he has ended it with her, but it's hard for me to trust him now. He recently had to go out of town on business, and I found myself thinking over and over---is he up to old tricks again? When I found out about his affair, a part of me died. My H and I have been together for 8 years, married for almost 3. I've never even considered cheating on him, and prior to finding out about this affair, I trusted him 100% with my whole being. I hate not trusting him and I hate not believing in him---but I just can't. When do you trust again? Do you ever really?
twice_shy Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 When do you trust again? Do you ever really? In my opinion you never completely get over an affair and you never will completely trust a cheater again, not 100% anyway. Have you considered divorce? In my view, there is no good reason to stay with a cheater. I tried myself, but in the end, divorcing my wife was the only option that gave me my life back.
abeliever Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 WOW! It was like the beginning of my H affairs. Yes multiple sad to say. The fact he lied and then tried to fly OW while you was out of town! Listen it will not get better. Mine started out just like this. My H just got better and better but I was better at it than him and I caught him everytime but stayed. Looking back it was 4 years waisted. Don't do it, he has no respect for you and it really shows. Once they lose respect for you it is over. I thought like you he really has learned his lesson, well they just get better at lying. EA are a like a drug addiction and like drugs they will lie to you and say whatever to continue to addiction. In your case it is a marriage we are talking about. He is not happy with you for whatever the reason, not your fault at all. It sucks too, but move on before you waste a lot of years. I protected myself, financially, I put money in cash in a safety deposit box, bought things for my future house and took items to my friends to hold for me. Copy all financial joint accounts etc. Take your emotions out of it and put it in a box. Then when he is not there cry and talk to friends, come here etc. Women often try to be fair and end up on the short end of things. I am glad I did what I did to get thru it. It made me stronger doing this way. Protect yourself and if you have children them too, lean on your friends and I cannot stress the importance of coming on here, I would have never made it without this place. It is there for you 24/7 and I love it. Good luck, wish you peace in the process, it can be hell, but you will survive it. abeliever
privyet Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 InDeNile: I had such a similar situation. Husband got emotionally involved with a colleague; at first there was a ton of denial, then finally the confession that he had developed feelings for her, and she in the meantime had divorced her husband & was waiting for mine to leave me!! He finally told her he had no intention of leaving me, ever. She moved away, I believe in some despair. They continue to try establish a professional relationship, which I think can't be easy. On the question of trust: it's a BITCH. Your H needs to be totally open with you - totally. Mine isn't being open enough. Every week, on the days when i know she's in town, it's hell for me, wondering if he is still enjoying her company & fantasizing about being with her - or just enjoying her attentions. Part of me died - I know absolutely what you mean by that. It will NEVER be the same. This isn't a lot of help - but one thing that helps me is that I know H is seriously about wanting to keep our marriage. He is doing things around the house, being kinder overall, spending more time with me - he's trying hard to make ammends. I feel like I need to give him this chance (we've been married 13 years). If you feel like your H is really sincere, make him work for your trust. My mom told me my dad did the same thing to her and it took her YEARS to get over it. It ain't easy. But I'd say it's best not to run & divorce first thing, when all the emotions are still really raw. Find out why it happened, and maybe you can move on to even better things if you both want to improve your marriage. Call me an idealist, but we have been through many stages, and sometimes I think this is just another one..
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