Els Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 The inevitable rut, the one that probably comes with time. But which is probably worse in LDRs. The relationship feels.. stale, at times. There's nothing new to find out, nothing really new to do, especially since we can't be together RL. It's not really any problems between us, it's not that I'm losing interest in him. It just feels... stale. How do you deal with it? What keeps you in the relationship?
audrey_1 Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 This one is so tough. I deal with it because even with the passage of time, and even when I see other people on the weekends (because my LDR is casual right now), I still come back to feeling the most for him. He still makes my heart flutter. I can't wait to hear his voice, can't wait to sit and watch a movie with him. He has a great laugh. Even our silences are comfortable. Because of the LDR situation, we decided not to be exclusive ... plus, he's in a professional impasse right now, so he has to focus on that, or our LDR may turn into a plane ride instead of a short car trip. Somehow, in my heart, I know that the relationship will grow when it can. It's not that it necessarily becomes stale; it just kind of comes to a temporary halt while everything else in your life continues....
dancinggal Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Ok, this is so what I am going through! The problem is, I can think of ways to make things interesting, but he just does not have the time to do it, so its like things are quite boring with us. Probably what you miss most is spontenaity. Like, just doing stuff because you can. I guess that's what keeps it fresh. And lets face it, there's only so much fun stuff you can do from so far away. Have you talked to him about your concerns? Maybe you could try communicating differently, or sending more presents or hand written letters. Call for no reason, instead of on schedule. But to tell the truth, if I wasn't seeing him so soon, I would be going insane right now because of this. Its really affected me for the 9 months we've been apart.
TMichaels Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 The inevitable rut, the one that probably comes with time. But which is probably worse in LDRs. The relationship feels.. stale, at times. There's nothing new to find out, nothing really new to do, especially since we can't be together RL. It's not really any problems between us, it's not that I'm losing interest in him. It just feels... stale. How do you deal with it? What keeps you in the relationship? Elswyth, Forget about the LDR aspect for a moment. What would you do to add some spice and variety to a RL relationship that was the same? Best, TMichaels
Author Els Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 Great to hear you're seeing your bf soon, dancinggal. I'm a pretty mundane and easily-contented person... I don't need 'different' things most of the time. Routine is fine as long as it's... well... good routine. Snuggling in bed together, feeling each others' warmth, sharing lunch or a movie or whatever together is all good routine. I don't feel the need for the additional spark. It's different in long distance. The more I think about it, the more pessimistic I get. If we're unlucky we'll see each other for perhaps a grand total of 3 weeks to 1 month a year... for 3 years. That's... just horrible odds for a relationship IMO. Yet this really is something special. How often do we find someone whom we mesh with so perfectly, whom we feel so completely comfortable with?
dancinggal Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Hmmm, I miss those things too! I guess its about weighing up the pros and cons. Ok, you will be apart for a long time, and have to give up a lot, but after that time, will it be worth having waited? Sure, he's a great guy, but in 3 years, can you find someone else closer to home to connect with? Someone who you can hang out with and relax with? You say you are a person of routine (which is cool), maybe you are afraid of breaking out of that comfort zone and saying, ok, this situation is no good for me, I need to end this. Could you guys leave it until he is back? Take some time to think things over? 3 years is a long time, make sure you don't waste it!
Elyssa Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Long-distance relationships have an expiration date. There's really nothing you can do at this point without seeing him. The relationship feels stale because you've exhausted the things you can do without being together. From here on, it's only downhill unless you manage to meet for a few days. That will keep the flame alive for a while, but eventually, you will be back here again, telling us the same thing. My then-boyfriend and I hit the same point during our relationship after the first year and a half. It lasted four or five months and I couldn't find anything that would revive the relationship. We had talked, done and dreamed of everything we could possibly talk, do and dream of before being together. That's when I made the decision to move to be with him and we got married a month and a half later. Otherwise, the relationship would most likely have died a very slow, painful death. I've never regretted making this decision. So, my advice at this point is that you make a decision of some sort. You can continue the relationship and hope for the best, knowing the chances of success become smaller and smaller as time goes by, or start making a plan to be together. The planning itself can be quite reinvigorating to the relationship, but obviously you have to be reasonably sure that you want to be with him in a permanent manner. I would suggest a short trip to visit him and see if there's still spark between the both of you, then you can go from there. -E
Author Els Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) I'm not the kind of person who can give up without trying, dancinggal. Pretty much the only way the relationship would end is if he ever irrevocably broke my heart -- I can't just think 'it'll be too hard, there's too low a chance, better to break up' and do it. I don't think it's fair to think of whether or not I can find other guys til I've given it my best shot. That's what I was looking for, I guess. Advice on how to give it my best shot, from people who've tried and succeeded. Elyssa, we're both students, and pretty broke students to boot... we can't just fly around or migrate whenever we want. We do have a plan -- a 3 year one. ;_; I don't mean that the spark is entirely gone... I'm still interested in him, as I said. It just isn't the way it was... that's actually normal in all types of relationships. I guess it's just harder to deal with in an LDR. P.S. Just to add, I, or rather we, did decide before the LD began that we did want to continue. Or at least try to. The 'pessimistic' part was more of a vent, as I was feeling down that day. As I said, no quitting til I've tried. Edited March 6, 2008 by Elswyth
Elyssa Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) Advice on how to give it my best shot, from people who've tried and succeeded. Well... find new things to do and talk about, just the same you would do with a normal relationship. Here are some things that hubby and I used to do during the long-distance part of our relationship: - Watch movies together. Here's how it works: Rent the same movie and then synchronize them. You can be on the phone or chatting on IM. You can laugh, cry and talk about the movie afterwards the way you would do if you were together. - Internet/Phone sex. Don't overdo it though or it will get old. Introduce variety. Like, you can buy some sort of sex toy for him, and he can do the same for you. Live cameras help, but if you're on the phone or are good at describing things, it's not necessary! - Play online games. I don't know if you two are the gaming kind, but I know my husband and I spent lots of time gaming because it was something we could actually do together. - Online "window" shopping. This can be done with just about anything. Shop for the kind of home you two want to live in together and share the links you're looking at with the other, then discuss. Lingerie that he'd like to see you in, suits that you'd like for him... anything works!. You don't necessarily have to buy anything, but... say you need a new sweater or perhaps a bra... You can let him pick or help you pick them and then you can order them and take a picture to show him. - Read or watch the news in the morning and think about what's going on in the world that bothers you or that you're happy about so you can discuss it with him when you talk. Hubby and I had some great discussions (and a few fights too) doing this, and I really feel it helped get to know each other better. In short, what you want to do is to find things in common that you can share or do together. I make no guarantees as to what will or will not work, but these are things that worked for us. Let us know how things go! -E Edited March 6, 2008 by Elyssa
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