another

[iwish]

Hi all, i found this site whilst trying to find a way to get my ex girlfriend back.. It's good to see i'm not the only one who loves someone who just doesn't seem to love me back : (..

 

My story in short, is that i met this girl at work and we started dating just over a year ago.. to me she was the most perfect girl in the world, amazing that she was with me... during our first six months she was always a bit sly with her telephone and then one day her ex boyfriend showed up at her house and showed me a text from her saying she missed him.. obviously i walked away, told her what to do.. she rang me crying and begging to see me.. so i gave in.. i forgave her and she promised never to do it again... at about the same time she had to look for somewhere to live, so i offered her to stay with me, but instead she chose to live with another work mate of mine.. a guy called Monty.. i have to admit that i was jealous and didn't like it one bit, but she insisted that she wasn't ready to live with me and that she didn't want to live with strangers.. so she moved in with this guy in a nice two bedroom flat.. things started to be ok, i got annoyed that she chose him over me and would also get annoyed that she would want to hang out with him at home all the time...

 

So anyway at the end of January, she'd had enough.. she dumped me : (.. she blamed me for hurting her and said i was too paranoid about everything...

 

i tried winning her back and she said just give her space.. of course i didn't : (, i texted, called, emailed anything.. i missed her so much it hurt... i even gave her the present i brought her for valentines (a trip to amsterdamn) and drove her to the airport.. she went, i stayed at home...

 

now it's been 4 sundays since we broke, i tried doing the no contact thing, i started on Wednesday and lasted till sunday, when i just couldn't resist in telling her i missed her, she ignored me.. i texted her again, saying i kinda hope you missed me too.. she ignored that too, i then texted her asking if she was with someone else.. she hit the roof...

 

i got an email this morning berating my behaviour, saying that i'm just making things worse and that she feels bad enough as it is without me hassling her, that she is starting to hate me again..

 

I replied with a soppy email, saying i just miss her and am trying to win her back.. she says she knows this but i'm driving us further apart.. she says i have to relax, i hope that's a good sign??

Edited March 3, 2008 by iwish

[sedgwick]

It means you have to relax! She's telling you what she needs and you're ignoring her. Why would ignoring what she asks of you be a better strategy for getting her back than respecting it even if it's painful for you?

[CaliGuy]

Give her the gift...of missing you.

 

Leave her alone and move on with your life. Stop pesting her or trying to win her back because all you will do is make things worse. You can't force her back, she has to want to come back on her own.

 

But you can push her away further as you are doing now.

 

Let it go. Busy yourself with friends and hobbies and working out. That's a much better use of your time.

[iwish]

thanks, i know i'm doing wrong, but i just think of her with another man.. and it drives me crazy!, i'm sure you've been here before and i know that leaving her alone is the right thing to do.. i tried that for 3 days and it didn't work.. how long does it take?!! damn it's hard being a man in love

[dfreeman]

Whenever I start to picture my ex with another man, I quickly change the channel in my head!

 

 

... at least on that channel she is with another woman!

[Belkin]

3 days of no contact barely counts... You need much more than that (2 weeks, a month...) for it to have some utility!

I know thinking about her with some else hurts like hell, but imagine actually seeing her with another guy everyday...

Try the no contact thing, it really helps. Wait for her to contact you first, but don't make it your only thought (easier said than done, I know! I can't do it myself so...)

 

And read No Foolin's post, it's a must over here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

Good luck, you're not alone in this.

[iwish]

thanks again guys, to me 3 days seemed like an eternity, she has said it would take a few weeks, but i just miss the girl so much.. i know i have to wait for her to contact me first it's just so bloody hard! what if she doesn't? she must think of me.. we did love each other? i wish that she would just give me another chance, i wish that she would just call me or something.. patience i guess

[ninjaturtles]

I think 2 weeks is too little.

 

Do not embark on the NC mission because you are trying to win her back.

 

Easier said than done, I know.

 

However, I have been in your position before. When he asked for a break, I kept calling and calling him. It was so hard not to.

 

It only made him disrespect me in a way that he would never have dared to in the past.

 

I have been NC now for five months, with the exception of two emails I sent him (within a month of the breakup) to which he responded to shortly. We did not contact eachother after that and sometime last month, he called me to wish me Happy birthday. It was a suprise indeed but I did not pick up. I simply sent a short text acknowledging that I had received his voice message etc.

 

Trust me, NC does a lot positively.

 

I have been able to see more clearly during this period.

 

I have learnt so much. A whole lot.

 

 

You are still grieving. Please talk to your friends, read LS, mourn..but please dont contact her.

 

It is very very hard. Have you even been addicted to anything before? Imagine quiting smoking...it is hard.

 

However, this is what you MUST do.

 

I am not personally a very strong advocate for NC in all situations. This is because no situation is the same, every situation has its unique characteristics.

 

However, in this case I believe that NC is the appropriate thing to do. Most especially as she has specified this.

 

Anytime you feel the urge to break NC, stop for a moment and remember this-

 

1) It will only push her away, further and further away from you.

 

2) She specifically asked to relax. You need to respect her wishes

 

3) You dont want it to get to the point where she starts ignoring you compeletly. A lot of LS'ers are in this situation.

 

4) You want to keep the little bit of dignity you have left.

 

It is hard my friend, but you will get there.

 

I believe that once you have done all you can, things will work themselves out naturally..either negatively or positively.

 

Cliche, but if it is meant to be, it will be. If its not, there is nothing you can do but gradually accept this.

Please keep posting and a big hug to you.xxxxx

Edited March 3, 2008 by ninjaturtles

[CaliGuy]

thanks, i know i'm doing wrong, but i just think of her with another man.. and it drives me crazy!, i'm sure you've been here before and i know that leaving her alone is the right thing to do.. i tried that for 3 days and it didn't work.. how long does it take?!! damn it's hard being a man in love

 

 

 

I could care less who my ex is intimate with now. It doesn't bother me and hasn't for some time. Those feelings go away when you start making YOU the priority and not your ex.

 

Start working out. At least one hour of cardio every day.

Start hanging out with friends and dive into new hobbies. Occupying your mind is important to getting her off yours.

Strict NC is a MUST. That means no facebook, myspace, etc. No gossiping with her friends, etc. Understand when you dig up information about your ex, it's always hurtful to you and ONLY you.

Put the ex behind you. The past is done and there's nothing you can do to change it. You can ruin your future, though, by focusing in on the past.

 

The only thing keeping people from healing as quickly as possible is themselves. You'll heal as fast as you want to.

[iwish]

yeah i know, it's all in my mind.. but you know what it's like, i'm just too impatient, i've started new hobbies, i'm even trying Salsa tomorrow night but at some point in the evening i'll think of her and wish she was there with me.. at this moment it's like nothing compares to her, nothing at all.. I'm also going to go to the gym at lunchtime tomorrow, a bit of running and swimming.. i am trying to get on with things i really am.. but then at a quiet moment i lose concentration, i wonder what she's doing, i wonder if she misses me, i wonder if she'll call me.. it drives a man crazy.. but i promised her today that i'd be strong, that i'd relax, i told her if she wanted me, she knows where i am, she knows my number all she has to do is tell me and i'll make up for any mistakes i've made... so the ball is in her court, i've told her enought times how much i miss her, now as you say i have to concentrate on me.. and boy is that hard!!.. i do love this site, browsing around, seeing i'm not the only one.. it's good to release some pent up emotions.. so thanks..

[s_n_d]

Hahahahaha, dfreeman you just made me laugh with the comment.

Ill try to picture my ex with a man when I have the vision of him with another woman.

[iwish]

damn, it's tuesday morning and i just want to tell her i've missed her, i can't think of anything else.. why am i so weak?

[D-Lish]

You have to- for your own sanity- continue on with the no contact.

Just keep hammering it into yourself that any more pressure or contact will end your chances.

 

Everytime you go to call or write or text- think about that..

"If I do this- I will push her away"

 

You have to stay away from her right now- even though it's hard.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[iwish]

thanks D-Lish, it just bloody sucks : (.. i wish that i was over it already, i wish that i didn't feel the urge to just hear her voice.. where's your story on here, perhaps i could read it?

[iwish]

hey, i've been debating wether to post her last email to me or not.. i mean it would be good to see what an outsiders opinion was so here goes..

 

She wrote this yesterday, after i sent the texts of missing her the day before...

 

I don't want to text anymore. So I'm going to send you this one email.

 

Firstly, you are ****ing unbelievable for doing all of this all over again.

 

Firstly, your texts start off nice, saying you miss me (by the way you shouldn't be sending these and do you really expect me to reply?). Then when I don't reply, you get pissed off and call me nasty for ignoring you. Then you stop when I tell you you're out of order. Then later on, the same bloody evening, you start the whole thing all over again. Then, you have the ****ing nerve to accuse me of/ask me if I'm with someone else. I'm so glad I switched my phone off when I went to bed last night. Do you know why I'm doing that? So I am not woken up by rude texts from you.

 

Last week you apologised for calling and texting me, said you would stop as you didn't want to hurt me anymore, and that I didn't deserve that. And yet only a few days later you start all over again. See the thing is, I still don't deserve it, yet you do it anyway. ..., if you had a chance, every time you text me then go all mental as I don't reply, you kill any chance. I sit wondering if I made the wrong decision, then get your ridiculous, over the top texts and all I can think is that I did make the right decision.

 

And then you ask me to ADMIT to it. ADMIT? You treat me like I'm doing something wrong, you automactially assume whatever you want to believe. ADMIT? I'm not a ****ing criminal and you're not the ****ing police.

 

In response to your last text. Firstly, **** you. Secondly, it's none of your business. It is a simple question, yes, but who said I had to tell you anything? And don't take this the wrong way and immediately jump to conclusions. Thirdly how dare you start accusing me of stuff when you have no idea - do not take your insecurities out on me. Just cause it happened to you before...I mean for god's sake. This whole texting thing has happened to me before, but do you hear me telling you that all the time? Well I am now. You are behaving out of order and you know how much it pissed you off when it happened to me before so I don't understand why you're doing it to me again. I couldn't cope last time round and though I may be marginally stronger, I still don't want to have to deal with it all again.

 

I liked it when we had left things on a positive note. But you had to go and kill that. If you want to hate me, fine. But please don't tell me about it, and stop making me hate you. I was much better when I wasn't angry, now I am just hating the world right now for constantly ****ing me over.

 

And **** you again for telling me you've had the chance and could go and **** other people or whatever. I mean for ****'s sake I don't want to know that. If you can and so obviously are very proud of it, just go and **** them and leave me out of your little games. You haven't because of us? Oh how very noble of you. Good for you to know if I'm with someone else? Good for you? What about what's good for me? I don't need to give you little updates of my life you know.

 

Cold turkey? There's no ****ing cold turkey as you haven't stopped texting me for more than a couple of days.

 

I do think you're being nasty and out of order and quite frankly it's all a little bit too mental for me.

 

You don't want to do what my ex did to us? Well maybe you shouldn't do what he did to me.

 

Why don't you try and understand. It's all hard for me but all you are doing is making it worse and killing any chance that I would want to see you.

 

I know this has all a bit harsh but I'm so angry right now ... I'm actually shaking and I needed to say all of this to you.

 

I don't want to go round and round in circles with you Ray so now I've said this I'm bowing out of this email/text conversation. I need to work.

 

Just back off and stop hurting me over and over again. Think about what you're doing.

 

Take care, really. Just be aware of what you're doing and try to learn from everything.

x

 

And p.s. think about your relationship with your ex and wonder why I'm not running back.

 

is she seeing someone else? are my chances gone.. we have had contact since where i've apologised and said i was only trying to get her back : (.. she replied with a text saying she knows that but i'm pushing her further away and i just need to relax...

[Jmina]

oh god leave her alone.

 

I have been through something very similar. and if you keep at it, she WILL want you out of her life FOREVER.

 

Of course shes not seeing someone else. You need to get a grip on yourself and that is why you have been dealt this. you arent suddenly zapped with strength, you are being given an opportunity to gain strength. You will continue to be weak every single time you contact her. You will gain more and more strength when you can sit through/cry through whatever you need to do during an urge to contact her. the urge will fade in an hour or so and you will have beaten it. then you know you can do it again

 

After a few months you will see what you needed to gain. and believe me you have everything to gain. this is why you guys broke up. you have soul searching to do.

 

the best thing to do is make yourself appealing by dealing with this (and not including her, she cant help you with your breakup)and making this about you. gaining us much as you can.

 

honestly stay away from her and work on you.

if you have a million questions in your head, write them out, post them on LS instead, but dont ask her. writing is wicked to help you heal.

 

goodluck

keep posting.

Jmina

[iwish]

: (, i will leave her alone.. the email does portray me as a right pain in the backside.. i can read that.. but the email does have some hope in it, doesn't it? or is that me just looking for hope? you have to bear in mind that i really miss this girl, i really do.. i know i can live without her, i know there's plenty more fish in the sea.., but it

 

what was your situation Jmina? have you got a post?

[ninjaturtles]

You can live without her.

 

From what I have read, Jmina has been through a lot. The thing is, most of us have.

 

Iwish, you need to step back for a moment.

 

Anything you do is crucial.

 

There may be hope, but you need to (as caliguy said) give her the benefit of missing you.

 

You can leave without her. It may not seem that way now because you are giving yourself room to keep on being rejected.

 

It is hard but look at it like withdrawal from an addiction. It will not be easy but you have to fight the urge.

[Jmina]

Iwish there is always hope.

Hope that you will return to your normal self

hope that you will be happy

hope that you will love again

 

i really dont think there is hope for the two of you if you continue to talk and that is what she is trying to tell you.

 

My situation was similar.

 

i have ALOT posted just look my threads up in my member profile.

I was unbelievabley heartbroken like you.

A day was an eternity.

 

The thing is, what a passing thought to her was just totally a crisis for me.

 

She doesnt have the answers, so you cant keep wondering what she wants or what will happen.

 

Your ex knows that you desperately need time apart. She knows that to be together right now isnt right. But that is about it.

 

noone has the answers iwish, the best you can do is accept how ****ty you feel and sit through it. write it out. it is a way to cope. you continue to put one foot infront of the other, and remember that there is much more out in the world that you could really be in strife about.

 

You have a broken heart.

 

It is one of the most painful things in the world.

 

But it doent mean that your world has stopped turning or that the world has stopped spinning.

 

It keeps going iwish. whether you like it or not. you are on your path now and she is on hers. acknowlege that. you are on seperate paths and that is how it needs to be right now. i can see that you desperately need self work. self love, you need to give yourself encouragement, insight, hope - for you. you are more important that your relationship with her and she is more important that your relationship. the relationship doesnt exist anymore. and so you need to put your energy into yourself

 

Dont give yourself false hope by reading to much into her email.

 

Jmina

[serendip]

: (, i will leave her alone.. the email does portray me as a right pain in the backside.. i can read that.. but the email does have some hope in it, doesn't it? or is that me just looking for hope? you have to bear in mind that i really miss this girl, i really do.. i know i can live without her, i know there's plenty more fish in the sea.., but it

 

what was your situation Jmina? have you got a post?

 

seriously dude,

 

you need to leave her alone

 

from her email she has told you exactly what you need to do...

 

if you really love her...then you would respect her and eat the pain and don't burden her with your own issues

 

It doesn't matter if she is with another dude...you guys aren't in a relationship anymore...you don't own her

[iwish]

Guys trust me, i will not, i repeat not initiate contact with her again, her email was harsh and what's the point of hurting her and me even more... i hope she misses me, i hope she thinks of me, i hope she realises that the person i've been for last 4 weeks was a man with a broken heart.. i know you guys have all been there and i appreciate your words of wisdom and understanding.. My plan is to write on here rather than write to her and hopefully in time i won't want to write to her anymore.. we were good together, we had fun and if she is with another guy then, right now i'd really rather not know.. that'd would just hurt too much...

[CaliGuy]

Dude, just leave her alone. She's trying to tell you that you are pushing her away with your behavior.

 

Occupy your time with more productive things than her. Hobbies, friends, working out -- heck even video games. Do whatever you need to do in order to get her out of your mind.

 

You are causing much more damage than you realize.

[xpaperxcutx]

After reading the thread, I have to agree with all the LShackers that you need to leave her alone. The email was a backlash to your self esteem, but you gf has made her point come across, therefore you should not be so blinded by your wants and needs as not to respect her wishes. If you choose to continue with your clinginess and needs, she will no doubt cease all contact with you, and refuse to even be your friend.

 

Recently, I was in a similar position, where I broke it off with my ex. I told him that I needed a break to reevalute my priorities and needs because of personal issues that I was going through and that I hope he understood that I just can't devote my time right now to another person. Guess what? He didn't take it so well and bombarded me with phone calls and messages about how he misses me and that he can't go a day living without me. We've only been together for a month and a half, but he made it seem like a life and death situation. He started stalking my myspace page, and leaving me comments and messages nonstop. Let me tell you something, that freaked me out. I had no choice but to delete his number, delete him from myspace and put my profile on private. But he still continues to message me and im me on AIM. I had to put him on ignore.

So learn from this Iwish, you need to stop putting her on a pedestal and move on with your life. Preoccupy yourself with other things, initiate NC to start healing.

Edited March 4, 2008 by xpaperxcutx

[greystone08]

yeah, just look at this time to better yourself. The greatest way you can show someone who's let you go is to get to the point where you're making a success for yourself. That's the best thing.

[iwish]

thanks guys, a little update, i've made it through my first day of NC!!!.. it's been tough at times, bloody tough.. but i did it.. i even managed to go to a Salsa class and quite enjoyed it! I only thought of her on the way home and managed to ring a friend instead of her, i'm giving her what she wants.. space.. if she wants me she knows exactly where i am.. and i hope that one day she will want me, if not well i'll just continue writing on here.. i've got to be honest, i still hope that she will call, i still look at the last text she sent me, saying to JUST RELAX!!, i still believe that we were worth it and she will come round, i don't think it's too late. Maybe i'm blind but that hope keeps me going for now, who knows maybe it will fade and i will just move on, only time will tell.. but i know tomorrow is another day and i know i will feel blue yet again (i miss her emails during the day and the fact we used to have lunch together) but i'll just write on here and be strong and get through it (i hope!)