lexi29 Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I don't know where to post this- I'm trying to find advice/opinions from those who are getting married or are married to someone who has a child from a previous relationship (and you don't have any children of your own together yet) My bf of almost 4 years proposed to me recently. We are planning to get married this fall. He has an 8 yr old son from a previous relationship. HIs son's mother and he were never married (once she found out she was pregnant she left him and married someone else- long story) but basically the son has never lived with both his mom and dad in the same household. His son and I get along very well- I love him, he loves me and he is SO excited that his dad and I are getting married. The son lives with my fiance full time and his mother has every other weekend visitation. My fiance says I am the only woman he's ever dated who has accepted his son so completely. He's dated women with kids of their own and they never made an effort to get his son to feel comfortable with them. So they never lasted long. I love my fiance and his son very much. I was very excited about getting married and becoming a family with them. However this weekend something was said that is making me think twice. My fiance and I spent the weekend without his son as he was at his mother's. Saturday night, we'd had great sex, were sitting on the couch cuddling, watching a movie and everything was perfect. My fiance had been asking me about my ideas for the wedding (he is really into it) and I don't even remember how it came up but we were joking around about how much alike his son and I are and I joked that I was going to ask him to teach me this thing he does to get his dad to do whatever he wants (he just keeps asking and asking until his dad says yes) I was laughing when I said this (that I'm going to learn to get my fiance to never say no to me) and his response really hurt me. I wasn't being serious, we were having a light hearted conversation in which we were both laughing. Well all at once he said "I'll never love you as much as I love (his son)" This instantly brought tears to my eyes. I have no idea why but it just felt like a slap in the face. I mean I would never come between him and his son and we've always put his son first and I don't have a problem with that. But for him to just come out and tell me that he'll never love me that much just really hurt and made me question whether I want to be with him. He realized I was upset (I didn't say anything) and in bed he cuddled with me and tried to explain what he meant. He said that no matter what he will always love his son more than he loves anyone else. He asked who did I love more- my parents or him. Well obviously if I had to CHOOSE, say either to save my parents from a fire or my fiance, yes, I'd choose my parents just for the fact that they are family and have always been a part of my life. But it is a different kind of love. My love for my parents, or my sibling, is unconditional, I love them no matter what and I would do anything to protect them. So yes, I understand that no matter what he would do anything to protect his son and loves him very much. There is a bond there that I can't match. But his love for me should be just as strong, just in a different way. What I don't understand is that I asked him if he and I have a child together, will he love that child more than me? He said no. So basically he loves his son more than me and he'd love his son more than any children he may have in the future? Is that fair? Is that the way it works? I told him that I feel like him marrying me is more of a convenience to him instead of that he loves me so much he doesn't want to be without me. HE says this isn't true. So anyone with children who have remarried or anyone who has married someone with children from a previous marriage, do you or your SO love your child more than eachother? I don't expect him to love me MORE than his son, but I want to be a partner, an equal. I understand this is his flesh and blood and I have never had a problem with his son coming first (we plan our activities around what his son enjoys etc). But for some reason hearing it out loud really hurt me.
hotgurl Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 His son will always come first no matter what. And if you put him in a position to choose he would choose the son. I wouldn't date anyone who would do anything less. As far as who he loves more. Well I think it is very childish to even bring up that question. and esp follow it up with would you love our child more than me. It is ridiclous to even ask. Kids come first period.
blind_otter Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I agree with HG - kids come first. They are children, not mini-adults. Adults can care for themselves and regulate their emotions and monitor themselves. Children cannot do that - although as they age they gain skills in those areas and attain more mastery over themselves.
Author lexi29 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 I did not ASK him "do you love your son more than me?" I would never have any reason to bring up that question. He volunteered the information. I was joking around about how I was going to ask his son to teach me "the look" (his son has this look and way he keeps asking the same question over and over again until his dad says yes) We were both joking about that and I said I was going to learn "the look" and he just blurted out (after a perfectly great day) that it will never work because he will never love me as much as he loves his son. I only asked him where a child we may have would fit in (would he love his son more than than our child, would he play favorites with his son always coming out on top. Because it would not be fair to a child we might have for him to do more for his son than our child. It should be equal. I also don't understand is reasoning that he loves his son more than me (ok, fine) but if we had a child together he would love ME more than that child? How does that make any sense? I also wasn't saying I don't expect his son not to come first. I KNOW his son comes first. I don't have a problem with that and I'm not saying that should change. I wouldn't be in this relationship if I'd ever had a problem with his son coming first. But to hear someone straight out tell you (when the answer was unsolicited) that you will NEVER be loved as much as their child is just sort of mean and uncalled for. I DIDNT ask him who he loved more, he just TOLD me and it was out of nowhere.
twice_shy Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Yes I love my kids more than my SO. But its a different kind of love. My kids are my flesh and blood, my SO is not.
hotgurl Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 well maybe he said that because he thinks after you are married your expectations might change. I think you should have a frank discussion with him aout his concerns in regards to you two getting married and having kids. He should treat his son and your future child equally. that being said if you were to get pregnant he will probably spend some more one on one time with his son to reassure him that his is not going to be replaced.
Lizzie60 Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I'm sure he will love the other child as much as he loves the first one.. no doubt about that. But I am disappointed that YOU feel this way.. it is very immature, IMO, to be hurt by something like that.. you should already know that children is the most important people in our lives.. Don't act like an ADULTESCENT... please.. you need to grow up a little..
TechDude Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I think you are focussing too much on this and over-analysing it. A parent's love for a child is different to the love for a spouse. I also don't think the comparison with your parents was fair. It is not the same thing. It is right for a child to leave their parents and be married. If you made me chose between my parents and my wife, the answer would be my wife. My parents wouldn't expect anything less and neither would I of my children. I don't think you are being fair for asking those sorts of questions, especially when you are talking the answers and drawing even longer conclusions from them. I don't think you will really understand his answer until you have children of your own. I also don't believe he will love any children with you any less than the child he already has. You are making too much of this. Besides, your love for each other now is the weakest it will ever be ... it will grow with time ... give it a chance to grow and don't expect it to be fully mature straight away.
Author lexi29 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 Thanks for all your replies I think you are focussing too much on this and over-analysing it. A parent's love for a child is different to the love for a spouse. I don't think you are being fair for asking those sorts of questions, especially when you are talking the answers and drawing even longer conclusions from them. Ok, EVERYONE, I did NOT ask him anything related to whether he loves his son more than me. I don't think its fair to quantify love in the first place and I CERTAINLY would NEVER expect my fiance to place my importance or my needs over his son's. I get that ok. Thats not what I'm asking here. Its obvious (even though I don't have any kids) that your love for your child is going to be unconditional, they can do the worst things in the world and you are still going to love them. However your love for a SO is not unconditional. If they cheat or lie or any other deal breakers you are no longer going to love them. I have NEVER expected my fiance to put my needs above his son's. Yes, he has put HIS needs before his son's before (when we broke up his new girlfriend wanted to spend the night immediately and his son threw a fit and cried and didn't want this strange woman staying the night and his dad said too bad and let her stay) But I have never asked or expected him to put our relationship or my own needs or wants before his son. So unless he thinks I"m going to do a total 180 after we get married (and he has NO reason to think this) then I don't know why he brought this up. I would NEVER come out and ask an SO "do you love me more than... your exes, your child, your parents,your brother, your dog etc." so I'm not sure why everyone is saying why would you ask him such a question. I never said one word. Again for the third time, I was joking about something cute his son does saying that I was going to ask him to teach me to do this (it was a JOKE) and he just blurted out that he will never love me as much as he loves his son. Fine, I never ASKED him to do so but to hear someone say it like that sounds like he was trying to hurt me. I mean honestly I probably love HIS son more than I love my fiance (but it is a different kind of love-tender, protective, unconditional) but I would never come out and tell my fiance this.
angie2443 Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I understand why you are hurt. I do agree with everyone else and think they have some good advice. I think maybe your being deffensive right now. I also think you are being a little immature, but, I understand this. Before I had children and became married, I dated a man with a child. I loved the child, but I really couldn't understand the deep love he had for this child, although I thought I could. I even had moments of jealousy. I didn't show this because I knew it wasn't acceptable. The relationship didn't work out (not because the child) and in a couple of years I met my husband and had children of my own. My whole perception on children changed when I saw my baby for the first time on the ultrasound. I grew up fast. If and when you two have a child together, he will love that child as much as he loves his son now. I wouldn't want to have children with a man who didn't put his child first. The fact that this man does, means he is good father material. For the record, I do not think he should have said what he did. I understand it's the truth, but he should have found a more sensitive way to say it. However, people sometimes blurt out things that are hurtful, and sometimes, all you can do is let them know that it hurt and move on.
climbergirl Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Well Lexi, I agree with you. I think it was a random and uncalled for statement given the context of the conversation. Hopefully, what he really meant was, "that 'look' affects me more coming from him (a child) than it would from you (an adult)" but I can understand why his comment hurt your feelings. And BTW-I didn't see anywhere in your post where you were asking him to love you more or put your needs before his child's needs. I'm not sure where some posters are coming up with that??? So to your original question; Do I love my kids more than my SO? I wouldn't say that-I love them all immensely, but in entirely different ways. If you can, just blow his statement off. He probably didn't mean it as intensely as it was perceived.
nittygritty Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 It sounds like your fiance may be sensing some jealousy on your part of his son. Perhaps, he felt the need to set something straight with you about not trying to interfere or cause any problems between his relationship with his son. He could just be wanting clear communication with you about this issue. This could become a huge problem if you continue to compare your relationship to that of his relationship with his son. You kind of sound like your having trouble understanding the difference between parent/child relationships and SO's relationships. You were kind of making fun of his child's behavior and his relationship with his child when he made the comment. The comparisons between you and his child and asking if he will love your child more than you or his son are showing that your already kind of jealous and resentful of his sons importance in his life and I agree with the others that its very immature on your part and if you do not resolve those kind of thoughts and feelings, the marriage will be doomed. Will you love your child more than his son? Silly question with the potential of some really big problems ahead if not dealt with correctly. Premarital counseling with someone who specializes in stepparenting issues might help the situation and prevent those kind of problems from occurring later on.
Author lexi29 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 It sounds like your fiance may be sensing some jealousy on your part of his son. Perhaps, he felt the need to set something straight with you about not trying to interfere or cause any problems between his relationship with his son. He could just be wanting clear communication with you about this issue. Sorry, no jealousy here. I am not jealous of an 8yr old. That is ridiculous because my relationship with my fiance and his relationship with his son are two different things. Just like my relationship with his son and my relationship with him are two different things. You cant' compare them. We've been together almost 4 yrs and he has always put his son first and I've had no problem with that. I do it too. If it were a problem I woudn't have stayed with him so long etc. This could become a huge problem if you continue to compare your relationship to that of his relationship with his son. You kind of sound like your having trouble understanding the difference between parent/child relationships and SO's relationships. Again there is no comparison. I NEVER ASKED who he loved more. That is an unecessary question because its not something you can quantify. His relationship with his son is totally different than his relationship with me. You were kind of making fun of his child's behavior and his relationship with his child when he made the comment. NOT AT ALL. He was teasing me because I was eating cereal at 11pm and his son eats cereal all day, its his favorite food. He was joking that soon his son will be as big as me (I'm short) and that we will wear the same shoe size and will borrow eachother's shoes (another joke obviously as I wear heels and boots and his son isn't actually going to wear women's shoes) and I said yeah we have a lot in common and I continued joking that I was going to ask his son to teach me "the look" the big sad eyes he gives his dad when he wants something and his dad says no. We were having a playful light hearted conversation none of which was serious and out of nowhere my fiance's response to that is "you know I"ll never love you as much as I love (His son). It was such a slap in the face (not becasue I don't expect him to cherish and love his son above everyone else) but because the way he said it, it just sounded so cold and mean. Because we were having fun and smiling and laughing and that just came out of nowhere. The comparisons between you and his child and asking if he will love your child more than you or his son are showing that your already kind of jealous and resentful of his sons importance in his life and I agree with the others that its very immature on your part and if you do not resolve those kind of thoughts and feelings, the marriage will be doomed. I am not resentful of his son. I don't know if you have dated any one with a child who wasn't yours, but it is a package deal. You can't love one without loving the other. I am not resentful of his son, if I were at any time, resentful or jealous, then I would choose to date a man with no children. I asked him this thing about us having a child together and how he would feel about it after he was trying to explain to me what he meant (he realized immediately that what he said had upset me) He used the example of who would I save from a fire, him or my parents? I told him my parents because they have always been in my life. I wanted to know if he thought he couldn't love "our" child if we had one like he loves his son and he said no, he wouldn't love it as much. Yes, there are family members that are more important to me than my fiance, mainly my younger sister, I love her to death, and am fiercely protective of her. If my sister really needed me I would be there for her above the needs of my fiance. Yet, I would never come out and tell anyone I was dating or planning to marry "I Love my sister way more than you and I'll never love you as much as I love her." Why share that information. What good can it bring? Also my love for my sister is totally different that that of a romantic relationship or partnership. I wasn't the one comparing the two - how much he loves me vs. how much he loves his son- my fiance was.
laptop2009 Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 That's the problem with non-traditional and step families. I bet it will hurt less if the child was yours and your husband said that, because you're part of that child and the child is a part of you.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Yes, there are family members that are more important to me than my fiance, mainly my younger sister, I love her to death, and am fiercely protective of her. If my sister really needed me I would be there for her above the needs of my fiance. Yet, I would never come out and tell anyone I was dating or planning to marry "I Love my sister way more than you and I'll never love you as much as I love her." Why share that information. What good can it bring? Also my love for my sister is totally different that that of a romantic relationship or partnership. I wasn't the one comparing the two - how much he loves me vs. how much he loves his son- my fiance was. So you're hurt and angry because he spoke what even you agree is the truth ? I think you also touched on an important point - romantic, sexual love that we feel with a partner is different than the instinctive love we feel for our children. So any comparo of which is "more" is esentially meaningless. Don't dwell on it during what should be an exciting and happy time for both of you... Mr. Lucky
Author lexi29 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Sorry, but I don't see what is so immature about being hurt because your fiance tells you "I'll never love you as much as my son" I know it is his son and its fine if he feels he will never love me like that (even though its two different types of love so I dont understand why or how he can make the comparison anyway.) It was a hurtful thing to say and brought tears to my eyes instantly. And I wasn't the one who asked for this information OR made a big deal of it. Actually right after he said it yes, I was hurt and had tears running down my face (about three) but I did it silently and my fiance wasn't aware of it. The only reason he thought something was wrong is I got really quiet after he said that. And I didn't tell him I disagreed with him I only told him when he asked that I was hurt because it was a mean thing to say just out of the blue after we'd had such a good day (and were laughing and joking around) I DIDN"T ASK for this information and I think it was mean, rude, and uncalled for my fiance to provide it. I mean seriously, if you were marrying someone or married and had a child from a previous relationship would you decide to announce out of nowhere (without any prompting) to your SO that you will never love them as much as you love your child (from a previous relationship)? I don't think many people would do that. It really hurt that he volunteered that information because that thought (who does he love more?) never crossed my mind. I didn't compare how he treated me to how he treated his son because its two totally different things. And I don't understand why when we are happy and planning a wedding and getting along great, he would just announce to me that he will never feel as strongly about me as he feels for his son??? I've never asked him that question and never once have I ever tried to take any time away from his son or tried to get him to "choose" me over his son. His son and I get along wonderfully. What he said and how he chose to say it (and when) is as if you and your SO just had a fantastic day, got along all day, had great sex, laughed and joked around and then all at once out of the blue your SO told you that they will never think you are as attractive as some model or actor/actress. While maybe they are speaking the truth (you may never be able to look like that person but why should it matter because your SO doesn't have a chance with that person) why in the world would your SO chose to tell you something like that out of the blue (when you never wondered about that question or asked them anything similar to that EVER.) Wouldn't that bother you? I'm not upset that he feels he loves his son more than me, I would hope he would do more for his own child and feel closer to his own child than he does to a SO. But I was upset that he chose to tell me this and how he told it to me. Because I never asked and didn't need him to verbalize that.
blind_otter Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Since you did have a great day before he said one sentence, maybe he just misspoke or you are overanalyzing this. We can't all phrase things perfectly all the time. I know I, for one, put my foot in my mouth on a pretty regular basis. The other night I said something in passing, as a joke, and my SO got all upset about it. I kept saying, "My God, it was just a JOKE!" and he did get over it, but jeez. It sucks to be taken to task for one little thing you happened to say without thinking about it first...
Author lexi29 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Since you did have a great day before he said one sentence, maybe he just misspoke or you are overanalyzing this. We can't all phrase things perfectly all the time. I know I, for one, put my foot in my mouth on a pretty regular basis. The other night I said something in passing, as a joke, and my SO got all upset about it. I kept saying, "My God, it was just a JOKE!" and he did get over it, but jeez. It sucks to be taken to task for one little thing you happened to say without thinking about it first... Thats true, I've done that myself. But he didn't say it as a joke or anything . He was very serious. Came out of nowhere is probably why it upset me. I guess I should have titled this thread "Would you tell your SO you'll never love them as much as your child?" Because there is no question that most feel a deeper bond with your own flesh and blood. But to actually announce that to someone is just odd to me. Thanks for everyone's replies!!
Lishy Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Lexi I have to say that even though I can understand that you are hurt (you have every right to be) I admire him for his statement. Not the fact that he hurt you, but the fact that he loves his son more than anything! Lexi, I am assuming you do not have children, when you have a child you will love it more than anyone in the world (including your own mum) Your child becomes so precious and I know I could never love anyone even close to how much I love my son. My boyfriend has told me that he loves his kids more than me and I say GREAT! I wouldnt want it any other way. I would never respect or even want to be with a man who told me he loved me more or even as much as his kids! You sound like you have a good man there. And dont worry he would love your children as much as his son, he just doesnt know that yet as you havnt had a baby together! Chill out honey and just enjoy the fact that you have met a very nice man!
Aloros Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I'm marrying a man with a 10 year old son. Try not to take it to heart. The love he feels for you and the love he feels for his son are very different. The love he feels for his son is instinctive, biological, deep-rooted. The love he feels for you is more one of choice. I'm fairly sure that my fiance loves me more than he loves his son, which leaves me feeling mixed. On one hand, it makes us a strong parental unit (we have full custody). We stand together on all things, and will always back one another up. I think we provide a good example to his son of a solid and loving relationship. On the other hand, it makes me a little bit sad, since family is so important to me. My fiance has never had as happy a family life as I have had, and I think that has contributed to this difference in values. Don't be upset There are many different types of love, and a heart is not a thing that runs out of room.
AlwaysTomorrow Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Asking such a question just shows how thoughtless and selfish you are. Do you expect a man or woman to love some new boyfriend or wife more than their own children?? Even if you created those children with him, of course he will put those kids first and he should! You would too! I'm guessing that he sensed some type of competition you have with his son in either your remark and/or tone and he DID NOT LIKE THAT! I wouldn't either if someone tried to compare themselves with my own child!! HELL!!! NO!!!
AlwaysTomorrow Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 So yes, I understand that no matter what he would do anything to protect his son and loves him very much. There is a bond there that I can't match. But his love for me should be just as strong, just in a different way. If you understand that it is a different type of love, then why are you still trying to compare yourself with his child in the title of this post??: "do you love your kids more than your so?" WTH kind of a question is that? No matter what kind of love it is, it shouldn't matter.. it is HIS SON FOR PETE'S SAKE! Why do you want to compete with that? It's SICK imo! What he's saying is that he loves his son more than anything in the world and that WILL NOT CHANGE! His son comes first, as your child would.
AlwaysTomorrow Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 What I don't understand is that I asked him if he and I have a child together, will he love that child more than me? Why are you continually trying to compete with a child? It is sick and you should re-think about getting married with this unhealthy attitude and outlook on the situation. It is pure disrespect and unfair to even ask someone that question.
SoHotZanzibar Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I will never love anyone more than my kids. The only thing that would come close is my future grand kids.
AlwaysTomorrow Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 (edited) I don't expect him to love me MORE than his son, but I want to be a partner, an equal. I understand this is his flesh and blood and I have never had a problem with his son coming first (we plan our activities around what his son enjoys etc). But for some reason hearing it out loud really hurt me. Then obviously you do have a problem. You really need some added perspective on this before marrying someone with these twisted thoughts. Speak to a family member or psych about this. In no way, shape, or form should you be associating yourself and place in a man's life with his child. How does him putting his son first having ANYTHING to do with you being not treated as an "equal partner"?? Edited March 5, 2008 by AlwaysTomorrow
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