SinkorSwim Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Hi everyone, I'm brank spanking new to LoveShack and this is my first post. I've seen the thoughtful responses that you guys give out here, and I'd really appreciate any/all feedback on my situation. And here it is: My boyfriend and I had a mutual break-up about a week and a half ago. We both decided that our relationship just isn't working, after 2.5 years. He also said that he wants to be close friends with me from now on, but I realize that we probably need some time for adjustment. Anyway, the break-up was civil (kind, even). I still see him in a class that we have together, but we haven't been particularly social. He called me tonight to see how I was doing. He also told me that he spent his weekend hanging out and getting high with his friends. I, on the other hand, spent my weekend sad and alone, reflecting on what we had and how I wish things could have worked out. Am I wrong in thinking that even if a break-up wasn't tragic, there should still be something of a mourning period...to honor what two people had together and the end of something meaningful? I'm hurt by his insensitivity. I feel almost like he bailed out on our break-up and I'm left sifting through the remnants and the memories by myself. Anyway, I really do want to be friends with him. Should I just give myself time to cool off or is this something I should talk to him about? A better question yet: am I overreacting about this whole thing?! This has really been bothering me...hence the 4AM post
D-Lish Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 If you want an honest response- I think that as much as you might think you want to remain close friends.... it just isn't possible at this point. When you break up with someone, it's natural to want to remain close- because you don't want to lose what has become so familiar. But that is exactly why making a clean break is easier. You can't move forward if you continue to have close contact with one another. I remember breaking up with my ex after 8 years together- and instead of making a clean break- we actually leaned on one another through our own break up. We did this because we were so close and entangled with one another that it just seemed natural to do so. What ended up happening is that neither of us moved on and we both remained in a cycle of pain with one another. Perhaps some day a friendship is possible- although I think once you are over him it won't be something that is important to you. I doubt he isn't mourning- if he wasn't mourning the relationship he wouldn't continue to reach out to you and see how you are doing. Of course he is hurting and concerned... don't think he isn't just because he spent the weekend with his friends. He's just grieving differently than you are. I do think that you do need a cooling off period where you don't have contact with him. It's next to impossible to remain friends with someone you just broke up with. You won't be able to move on if you do. I hope that insight helps. Not being able to sleep is pretty common. A lot of people here are up late if you need support in the middle of the night.
superfox Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I think D-lish has given you some very good advice. You may be able to be friends with him but not without a considerable time apart. You need to be able to get over him without him in your life. Its hard to go from lovers to friends overnight. You need to give it some time otherwise it could be very ackward. When you are with someone you are so connected, and do so much together, are physical etc so all of a sudden going to friendship does not make logical sense. I think you need to tell him that you need this time to heal and that he should not contact you. Take care of yourself and do things that make you happy. You may be sad, but don't stop living your life - go out have fun, even if its just for a short walk, or out for coffee with a friend,whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not thinking of him. This will give you time to reflect, think about what you want in a relationship and actually make yourself a better person...and eventually you will find someone that is a better fit but if you hold on to this guy then you will pro long the breakup. And one day when one of you starts to date again the other one will get hurt....thats why you need this time for yourself so that one day you each can be good friends to eachother and respect eachother when you start to date again and be able to support each other. Superfox
rgiles Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Did he suggest the break-up first?......I know it hurts.....but it hurts more cuz your alone......find a new guy to date or some fun single girlfriends to go out with......and don't look back on the past.....let it go........it does take time......but if you do other things you'll be surprised how much he wont matter anymore......he's probably not the right guy for you to spend the rest of your life with anyway......and if he really loved you.....you would be the most important thing in his life and the two of you wouldnt have seperated......don't just settle for whoever......to keep from being alone......being alone is ok......try to occupy your time with things that make you happy......good luck!
Author SinkorSwim Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Thanks for the taking the time to reply! Your advice is great and very reasonable. The thing is, both my ex and I are in our last year of college. When we graduate in May, he's going off to a different country for a year (and who knows where after that). I just can't bear the idea of having no contact, becoming estranged, and then not seeing him for years (or forever?). I know that we need time apart...I just don't want to lose him. He's one of the few truly good people that I know. D-Lish, were you ever able to establish a friendship with your ex? I can only imagine what a relationship would feel like after 8 years. I guess I'm wondering how long it takes before you can start to rebuild a friendship after a romantic relationship ends. That's probably a silly question since every couple is different. But if I don't have some idea of a timeline, I think my head is going to explode...
BalancenLuv20 Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 SinkorSwim I am like you in that I like to have some kind of a timeline for when things are going to happen, but this is a situation where you can throw the idea of a timeline out the window... you pretty much answered your own question... The initial stages of a breakup can be so nebulous and ambigious because there are so many feelings attached and you're not sure which direction you should go in...I've said it over and over again on here, but my ex forced me to try to be friends with her through threats like "you'll regret it" and that she never wanted me to leave her life and it made my life hell, because i didn't know how to treat her like a friend, only as my gf and it lead to me being too nosy which pissed her off and then eventually finding out stuff that just killed me inside...telling me she was now dating the guy who she had hooked up with over our "break" in our r-ship... seeing pics of her and her bf kissing, hearing her talk about him, looking at their myspaces, and of course her treating me crappy, keeping me on a string, etc... and only until recently after nearly 6 months since we've ended it have i gotten the strength to ignore her calls and began to let go and take this NC thing for real... let the guy live his life... if you try and force yourself upon him or let him force himself upon you, it will most likely cause a great deal of pain and prolong the healing process...good luck and come back to LS if you're ever in a bind about it...
carhill Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 D-Lish, were you ever able to establish a friendship with your ex? I can only imagine what a relationship would feel like after 8 years. Not D-Lish, but I can say that, having gone NC with a good female friend to encourage her to sort her marriage out (we were very emotionally involved; no physicality) 14 years ago, I sought her out last year (and found out from her that she was divorced) at a particularly low period in my life and our friendship resumed like the interceding years had never happened. It was a complete surprise to both of us. I think we'll always have an intense emotional bond, so I'm thinking we'll agree to NC again for me to sort my marriage out. Our timing is just bad. If it hadn't been, we'd have been married years ago. Trust me So, if my experience is not an anomaly, you can rediscover someone you've been intimate with (the emotional part is the important thing IMO) even years later. You're young and your whole life is ahead of you. Enjoy!
sveltskye Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 Well, addressing your original post, I think your ex probably IS mourning the relationship, but his pride probably doesn't want you to know that. I would guess this because I suspect the same thing of my ex. When he broke up with me, he said he'd get over it in a week. Then he showed up at the club I was at at my birthday a month later. The next day he ran into one of my friends and told him that he had a "short grief period" and was fine. Hard to buy, considering seeing your ex of a month has to bring up *some* kind of feelings. Just because your ex is hanging out with his friends doesn't mean he's not sad. Guys just have a harder time admitting it. It may be that smoking was his way of escaping from that and burying his feelings. But try not to take it too personally. It does hurt your feelings- I know.
D-Lish Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 D-Lish, were you ever able to establish a friendship with your ex? I can only imagine what a relationship would feel like after 8 years. I guess I'm wondering how long it takes before you can start to rebuild a friendship after a romantic relationship ends. That's probably a silly question since every couple is different. But if I don't have some idea of a timeline, I think my head is going to explode... I was only able to be friends with my ex after I wasn't in love with him anymore. We remained "friendly" - but with limited contact throughout our divorce.... but even that was difficult for both of us. He is remarried with a baby now (with the woman he cheated with and got pregnant at the end of our marriage). But I did forgive him and have kept the fond memories of our relationship. I had to be angry first though- to be able to get to the stage where I could forgive him and be friends. Understand though- that being friends doesn't mean we hang out. We just chat once and a blue moon about our dogs or how we are doing. It's tough for you because you see one another everyday in class... I understand that it's the familiarity that you miss. You don't want to give up that closeness the two of you have because it has become such an integral part of your life. But until you have a clean break for a while- healing just can't and won't happen. I imagine when school is done that things will get much easier. I honestly believe that you really won't want to have a friendship with him when you are over him. I haven't wanted to with 98% of my exes.
MakeLemonade Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I tried being friends with an ex - once - it didn't work - we were always jealous of anyone the other was dating, we ended up back together after a few months and it ended badly eventually. I wouldn't recommend it, though with him moving to another country - an email-type friendship would be very possible after awhile. Seeing as how you two had such an amicable breakup there wouldn't be harm in trying that out, but I would at least take the time until he leaves to be by yourselves and really get over eachother to a degree in your hearts and heads before you try it.
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