D-Lish Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 About a year ago I met a guy and dated him for 6 weeks. He was pretty much everything I wanted in a man- close to my age, good looking, smart, honest, established, tons of fun.... but distance was an issue. He lived two hours away, and it made it difficult to see one another. He came to the conclusion that as much as we liked one another that we shouldn't continue because of the distance. We could only see one another on weekends- and he was about to start a new job that would have him working weekends as well. We kept in contact, but eventually he told me he met someone local and was going to give it a shot with her. I was upset about it- but I knew that rationally speaking, it wasn't meant to work out. I have never been able to shake this guy. He has always permeated my dreams and been on my mind since we stopped dating and having contact. I heard through a mutual friend about 2 months ago that he wasn't dating this girl anymore.... then about 2 weeks ago he reached out to me on facebook to tell me he was moving back to my city because he has a big contract job to do in town. As much as I like this guy, and have never forgotten about him... I worry so much about being hurt again. He has asked to meet for a drink next week- but I am torn. When his job here is done- he will inevitably be moving away again... that is just a reality. I don't know if it's even worth getting involved with him. I know he is a man I could easily fall in love with... I just don't want to put myself in a position to get hurt. So- I guess I am asking people who might have a clearer perspective of the situation.... would getting involved be a bad choice on my part? Anyone who knows me here, knows I am prone to making some bad choices when it comes to men (boys). Does this sound like a situation that could kick me in the butt a few months from now?
Kamille Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Hi D- I normally would advice you to have faith in yourself and take a chance, but I think your concerns are very legitimate considering how draining dating has been for you lately. I know you were thinking about staving off dating for awhile and truth be told, I think you know you will have to enforce it for yourself on your own. Men will ask you out, exes will reappear. You're our beautiful, caring, giving, smart D-Lish after all. You need to think of yourself and your well-being first. If you already worry about the outcome, I think it is advisable you turn down his invitation. Return to dating once you feel strong enough to face the ride.
fray718 Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 When his job here is done- he will inevitably be moving away again... that is just a reality. I think that should be your answer right there. Why set yourself up to be hurt again? Ofcourse, you might think that maybe there is hope that he'd stay etc but from what you describe, that's not the case. If he is serious enough with you, he'd tell you that he might stay etc but it seems like he just wants company while he's in town for a bit and you so happen to just be someone he knows.
Jilly Bean Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 D - all of your posts are very similar. It's some re-tread guy that you seem to eulogize, though you also present a lot of caveats. I vote you stop doing the double back and go find some new meat.
Author D-Lish Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 That's what I needed- a little perspective that I am maybe not able to see on my own at the moment. You're right K- it's been a rough ride, and complicating things when I am struggling to straighten out my life may not be the best option. I think I knew in my head that I should politely decline the invite- specifically because of the possible outcome. His contract will probably keep him working here for a good year- I have plenty of time to decide if I want to meet him. And thanks Fray- I certainly don't want to get involved with someone who will be moving away again at some point. He is from my city originally- he grew up here, we have some mutual friends. I will most likely run into him at some point if he's in town. I guess it's hard because I know that under different circumstances, we would have gotten more serious a year ago. Of course I was in a better place emotionally at the time. Not so much right now. I guess I also fear that re-igniting things with him at this point wouldn't be so smart because I don't know what I could offer a relationship given what I am going through. Thanks- I did need outside perspectives. My gf's are torn on the subject. Some think I would be missing out on an opportunity...and other's feel like I would be screwing up a potential good thing by getting involved with him now- when I am obviously not ready.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 D-Lish, you've always seemed so reasonable when leaving me advice on my threads, and I feel terrible that you're going through the same things. my advice to you is for you to follow your own advice. You seem sensible to the fact that should you pursue something with this man, the possibilities of getting hurt would be inevitable. That should say something.
Author D-Lish Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 D - all of your posts are very similar. It's some re-tread guy that you seem to eulogize, though you also present a lot of caveats. I vote you stop doing the double back and go find some new meat. Yeah, I have problems letting go. It's the abandonment issue...like a second chance for retribution. My head's always been messed up that way.
Jilly Bean Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 OK, well you realize it at least. Maybe it's time to start a new cycle and let this one go?
Author D-Lish Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 OK, well you realize it at least. Maybe it's time to start a new cycle and let this one go? I think that would be best. I don't think I recognized my posting patterns until you pointed it out....and then I was like- yeah, I see what I do. They ALWAYS come sniffing around again- and I often idealize the possibilities of second chances.
Jilly Bean Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Yes, its like a string of guys you dated short term, it ended for some reason, they were 70-90% great, a few issues, but you've rationalized it, and now you want to give it another go. Ive personally never seen the value in re-treading the short-haul guys.. And since this is your pattern, and it's been fruitless, I think it's best to JUST SAY NO to the ex's...
Ariadne Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 About a year ago I met a guy...He was pretty much everything I wanted in a man...distance was an issue...I have never been able to shake this guy...he is a man I could easily fall in love with... You have what I consider the 30+ syndrome. Every guy you meet, Joe something, becomes Prince Charming. He is just oh so bright, so compatible, everything I ever wanted in a man. Then, Joe turns out to be crap. Like that guy. But, dream on... Ariadne
Author D-Lish Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 You have what I consider the 30+ syndrome. Every guy you meet, Joe something, becomes Prince Charming. He is just oh so bright, so compatible, everything I ever wanted in a man. Then, Joe turns out to be crap. Like that guy. But, dream on... Ariadne But there are just so many Joe Dirt's out there that you start getting excited about the Joe that is the least crappy...
marlena Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 D- lish, I, too, would normally say,hey, go for it. What holds me back from saying it now is the fact that he opted not to get into a LTR relationship before so why would he want to do so now? He not only broke it off with you the last time because of the distance but then quickly proceeded to date someone closer to home. Who is to say he won't do the same when the contact expires and he has to move on again? This little fact combined with your sensitive nature and needs to connect with someone may makes you very vulnerable at this time. What do you think? Could you see this man without getting too emotionally invested? Or would you be setting yourself up for more heartache? The heart is a very sensitive thing and should be protected as much as possible.
Trialbyfire Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Many men use rebound relationships to get over someone else. If I were in your shoes D-Lish, I would back off until it's certain, he's not rebounding. The last thing you need, is to be hurt right now.
Author D-Lish Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 Hi M, My instincts tell me getting involved with him would be setting myself up for another heart break. That's what I honestly think. Yes, it always gives you a momentary feeling of triumph when someone comes crawling back.... but I think I was just living on that temporary high and not seeing the bigger picture. I was thinking about why I keep recycling used lovers and jumping at the wrong relationship opportunities....and I came up with the following: I am the last remaining single person in my group of friends. Every person I know is in a relationship. This is what has changed in the past 6 months. I had 4 or 5 single friends and we all kept one another busy and occupied. But all of those friends have hooked up with people and I think it just makes me feel overly lonley and desperate to fill a void. I think that is why I have jumped at the wrong opportunities of late- and why I feel more lonley than usual. It seems the weekends roll around and everyone I used to go out with is now staying home cuddling up with their significant others. I think I will decline the initial meeting and just see what happens once he is settled back in town. As I said- I'll run into him, we have mutual friends and it's probably inevitable that I will see him around at some point. I think I will just tell him that now isn't a good time for me...because in all honesty, it isn't a good time. Also- he just broke up with someone a couple months ago, so I don't want to be his rebound either.
Author D-Lish Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 Many men use rebound relationships to get over someone else. If I were in your shoes D-Lish, I would back off until it's certain, he's not rebounding. The last thing you need, is to be hurt right now. LOL, I was just writing about being a rebound when I finished my post and saw what you said. I think you're right about the rebound thing. I just don't need to get involved with a potential heartbreaker right now!
Max Overclock Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 D-lish, Your words and ideas reflect the true warmth and decency of a lady of incredible character and self-awareness. Don't settle to be a rebound, or for that matter, let yourself settle into an old situation that doesn't match where you are emotionally and intellectually right now. You're a great catch. Find a great man that can truly appreciate your heart and mind. Max
marlena Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I so understand how you feel. I know that seeing your friends hooking up while you remain single can be depressing and make you feel even more anxious about your own state of affairs. When in a situation like this, we tend to romanticize other peoples' relationships when in fact these relationships may not be as wonderful as we may think they are. Looking in from the outside, we all tend to read what we want to read into what we see or rather don't see. D, starting a relationship just for the sake of having a relationship because everyone else is having one is not a good reason. You should start a relationship when you know the chances of it working out are good. Unless all you want is a little adventure and fun but somehow I get the feeling that you are looking for something more permanent and meaningful. I have a lot of single friends and like you said we keep each other busy but still I feel that emotional void inside that only being in love can fulfill. That, however, is not enough to make me goback to my ex who has tried numerous times to hitch up with me again. I also decline my ex-husband's advances. These people were not good for me THEN, so why should they be good for me now? This is my line of thinking. Everytime I have returned to an ex-whatever, the results were disastrous. Second chances hardly ever work. I think your idea of declining his invitation is a good one. Since he will be in town and you will be seeing him here and there, just watch how he acts and take it from there. The fact that he will one day leave is something that you should not lose sight of no matter what you decide to do. Try to worry less, D. It will happen in its own good time. And probably when you least expect it or when you least care. XXXX Marlena
Author D-Lish Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 D-lish, Your words and ideas reflect the true warmth and decency of a lady of incredible character and self-awareness. Don't settle to be a rebound, or for that matter, let yourself settle into an old situation that doesn't match where you are emotionally and intellectually right now. You're a great catch. Find a great man that can truly appreciate your heart and mind. Max Thanks Max. It's so odd that the guy's name I am posting about shares your name. lol. I guess that as much as I look around and see my friend's involved in relationships- some of them are surely settling for less than what they deserve. It would be nice to have someone to come home to- but that person should be someone worth waiting for. I can wait, I just get impatient sometimes. You lifted my spirits. Thanks. D
Kamille Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I think it's easy to think that falling in love is just like winning the lottery: you gotta play to win. The fact is, falling in love is much more like working 9/5 for your retirement plan. If you do the 9/5 and work on yourself, you increase your chances of finding that fulfilling relationship once you are ready for it. Lottery: 1 in a million. 9/5: 90% garantee. Plus, falling in love, much like winning the lottery, won't solve all of your problems. Hell, it most likely won't solve any of them. Ok maybe winning the lottery would help you out financially. My point is, you will need to work on providing your own well-being no matter what. edit: yes I'm still up. insomnia.
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