Seperated and divorced: Two years later and it still hurts

[LostMan]

I've read through quite a few posts here. Like many, there are some semblances to my story and some differences. I'm in particularly rough spot right now.

 

My STBEx wife and I were together for about 7 years - 3 years as bf/gf, 1 year engaged, 3 years as spouses. We had a extremely loving relationship, though it had its share of real faults. In our final year together, I had some real hardships personally & professionally. I became extremely lost and didn't know where to turn. I felt like I couldn't turn to my wife in this moment - feeling less than her partner, I chose to leave our home. Looking back on this moment, this was probably the biggest mistake I have made in my life.

 

After leaving, my wife became very indignant and broke off all contact with me. She never pursued me or sought me out. I was feeling extremely lost and small - and had hoped she would find some compassion in her heart to seek after me - but it never happened. I know I was probably living through some parental issues at this point - with me positioning my wife as a maternal figure of sorts. I tried speaking with her a few months afterwards, but her only thoughts were when was I coming to get my stuff. In retrospect, I can understand her anger and resentment. However, all I wanted to hear was her wanting me back, which never came.

 

After nearly eight months of on-and-off contact, we tried to reconcile - coordinating a date every couple of weeks. While our being together was civil enough, there was not a lot of romance to it - I suspect because we were both in a great deal of hurt at this point. We did couples therapy, where my wife continued to express anger and resentment -- with very little love or compassion expressed. This made me so extremely sad.

 

During this time (and right around the 1 year mark of our separation), I tried to get my life back on its feet. As I was self-employed during the last year of our marriage (and my income was very up-and-down), I started interviewing with several companies and landed a spot with a firm on the other side of the country. I fully expected to decline the position if things changed between my wife and I, but they never did. After a few more couple sessions, my wife said that she was no longer interested in reconciling. I wasn't sure what to say - and eventually agreed. A few months later and I left the city we lived in together for a fresh start.

 

I'm now across the country from her and have been here for about 8 months. We're just a bit over the 2 year mark since my leaving. I've even started seeing someone here, which has been a lot of fun and a great distraction.

 

All should be ok and moving along. However, I still miss my wife so incredibly much.

 

There are days where it really hurts and miss having her next to me in my bed (like today). I miss hearing her voice on the phone asking me when do I think I'll be home. And miss our routine, our life together so much. I can't imagine my growing old without her.

 

In the end, I know I shouldn't have left. And even then, we should have kept communicating after I did. But the months of extended NC just damaged us even more. She was always so angry then. Even now, whenever I reach out to her, she wants none of it and only to hear how the divorce is progressing.

 

Still, I know I did wrong. And I only wish I made different choices now - even two years later -- it still hurts like it did when I left.

Edited March 3, 2008 by LostMan

[D-Lish]

Your post made me teary eyed.

I had a similar relationship with my now ex husband.

I too miss him dearly- but I also recognize that our relationship ceased to be romantic and that by the end we were best friends that had only had sex twice in the last year.

 

It's tough because I am sure you feel like you have lost your best friend- and essentially, that is what has happened.

 

I still miss the familiar things about my relationship with my exH... but I also recognize that we could never go back to the way things were when we first met and fell in love.

 

Do you think it's possible that you are idealizing the relationship?

 

If this new relationship is a good distraction- fall into that distraction.

The more you move on with your life, the easier it will be to let go. But you do need to let go.

 

There are reasons why you left- and I think that if you went back and tried to resume things - even if that were possible- those same reasons for leaving would resurface.

[directx]

I wonder if I would miss things upon a divorce/separation.

This thread makes me think

[Gunny376]

I've been through hard times!

 

I've been through bad times!

 

i've been through lean times!

 

Post more later!

Edited March 3, 2008 by Gunny376

[guessjeans]

Time and distance is life's way of changing us, allowing us to see things in a different light. Its life's best teachers.

 

Unfortunately, no matter how painful it is, it is necessary that we allow this time to pass in order to realize what went wrong. You cant see it when you are together. Like you, I was lost too. And I left. We both lost our way. And life sent us both on a journey. But i do feel the same, that we just seemed to have lost our way.

 

It took me 4 yrs of growning, 4 yrs to grow up, 4 yrs to see the problems in my 26 yr relationship that ended 4 yrs ago, to not be so angry, to handle situations better. Who knows, maybe it will take your ex wife that long too, or perhaps longer.

 

I left our relationship, but really was one of mutual agreement. I would love the opportunity to begin dating my ex again, because i really do still love him very much, but he is now with someone else, and although it seems from what he tells me, its nothing more than a friendship between the two of them, he is happy with her and has little to do with me now.

 

People can change. As we get older, we get mellower, wiser, more able to handle the ups and downs of a relationship. But sometimes, love just isnt enough. One sided love is the hardest, and the loneliest.

 

You just never know what life has in store for you...for any of us. I believe all things happen for a reason. I left and the person I am today, i could have never become living with my ex. I had to experience life on my own. I moved in with him when i was 6 months away from my 18th birthday, and stayed with him for 26 yrs .

 

Dont fight the feelings you are experience now. Let me out, think about them, they are healthy. You will get over this. And who knows, maybe one day, like me, your wife will call you up and tell you she has grown up, and realized that the life you had together is what she misses, and wants again, but a more new and improved version. It takes time. Allow the two of you the time to think and experience all the lessons life has in store for both of you.

 

But i dont regret leaving, and you shouldnt either. You needed this time to grow, to realize, to become a better person. I would have never become the person I am today, if I had stayed. His journey was to look after his elderly parents, which he took in a yr after we separated. So know, I dont regret leaving. And you shouldnt either. You would have never realized the things you realize today, without leaving.

 

So they dont want the new and improved us. It really is there loss. They will never find anyone that will love them as much as we do. Life has someone else in store for us, and I have to trust life has a plan for me, and has one for you too. Trust your journey. Its really the right one. One day it will come to you, why you feel this way, and why your feelings, are only one sided. Trust that what life has in store you, for all of us, is what is meant to be. But dont regret leaving. You had to be sent on this journey in order to become the person you are today.

Edited March 3, 2008 by guessjeans

[Navin_R_Johnson]

But i dont regret leaving, and you shouldnt either. You needed this time to grow, to realize, to become a better person. I would have never become the person I am today, if I had stayed. His journey was to look after his elderly parents, which he took in a yr after we separated. So know, I dont regret leaving. And you shouldnt either. You would have never realized the things you realize today, without leaving.

 

Great post, guessjeans. Especially this part. As much as I hate my sitch (W left after "changing her mind" after 16 yrs of marriage), if this had not happened I would likely not have become the person I am today. In our marriage, I responded to problems wrong (became clingy, dependent, insecure...I lost myself). I am now very confident, secure, and I feel great about myself. In the one year since our sep, I've changed dramatically.

 

I guess for all my positives, our daughter is unfortunately suffering (see my post in "parenting" forum).