I'm dating a jerk

[PowerRanger1]

(Yikes I just realized how much i wrote.. I'm a blabber mouth)

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for 9 months (in 2 days). We live together (which happened really fast: he visited me in Cali for a week in July, asked me out, moved in beginning of September. We haven’t been separated since… I don’t really like the idea of living together, you see.. We're both in school, and homework takes up most of our time and we do nothing special together anymore. It's like just seeing each other is enough now (not for me) I've told him about this. He took a break from his homework, and I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything and he said no and started watching cartoons. He tells me I'm a distraction and that I make him feel guilty for not paying me any attention because he's doing his homework. I don’t distract him on purpose most of the times I'll just be watching TV and he'll come out and try to fool around with me or I'll just say something that I just found interesting.

 

It makes me feel bad, because I only feel like a distraction to him. His free time he doesn’t recognize me, like on his breaks or weekends he has free. He just started hanging out with friends, which I'm really happy about and it is healthy. I was stuck at home working on a project that completely stressed me out, and left me super depressed. I kind of took it out on him when he came home and was telling me all the fun he had going to a bunch of different places, and all the cool people he met. Which is cool cause he never goes out and it's usually him who is stressed. I don’t even remember what happened really, but that night I was trying to hold his hand and he kept taking it away. I thought maybe he thought I was a bug or something so I did it again and he got mad and turned his back at me. I got so sad and angry; I got up and slept in my papasan chair.

 

I told him the next day that I have been stressed and told him sorry for the way I was acting last night. I told him I was going to go shopping and kind of hinted for him to come with me. I said, "I wish I had someone to go with me." (Lol) And he only replied "Like a friend?" The night before he told me I should get out more, and I need to make friends, and I got defensive and said I didn’t need friends. Again I was in a bad mood last night. But when he said that I got upset, like he was trying to prove something to me. So I said no and left by myself. While I was at the store just around the corner from where we lived I called him and asked him to come help me pick out some shirts. But he was taking a shower because his friend might come over. So I said ok, and I came home after I was done.

 

When I got home we ended up talking a little about our relationship. I forgot who brought it up but I found out that he doesn’t feel the same way about me as he use to. Something about tastes changing. I was confused and asked him if he still liked me, and he said yes. He said the way I've been acting lately, makes him think differently of me. I told him I was just stressed, and it was only that one-day and a day on Wednesday when I had a dispute with my teacher. He doesn’t like how I never push myself to do better. For example when we work out at the gym, some days I don’t feel like going. Either because I'm sore or tired. And again he says I wait till the last minute to do homework. Last semester I was pretty bad at that but this semester I've been pretty cheery about starting earlier. But he still didn’t think I was doing as good as I should still.

 

I will admit that I'm not, but I'm doing much better than last time. It's just weird because I have been getting some vibes from him. I haven’t been feeling appreciated or respected or just special to him anymore, for example he takes stuff from me, like my phone or computer. I asked him a while ago if he felt different about me, and he said no. And it's true I asked him a lot of questions (Haha, I tried to dye my hair from brown to blonde but it turned orange so lately I've been really self conscious because my hair is pretty much fried.) I keep asking him questions, if he thinks I'm pretty, or if I'm annoying him. But he usually answers in a joke; he's only seen prettier girls on the internet and stuff like that. But mostly yeah I've asked him if he loves me still. I kind of stopped that because I know it annoys him.

I was thinking of breaking up with him earlier because I haven’t felt appreciated and when I tell him it, he kind of makes fun of me by acting a girl voice and repeating what I say. I told him I'm serious but he keeps doing it. I got kind of angry because he did that one day and I smacked him with my notebook and he yelled at the top of his lungs to never ****ing hit him again. So that day after he told me he felt different I thought maybe I should break up with him. So I said if he thought we should break up and he told me he didn’t really care at this point. So I said then lets break up and he said fine. So I left and he asked me where I was going but I told him I didn’t have to tell him because we were broken up. But when I came back he was telling me I should make a list of things I should change about myself. And he looked up his list and when I tried reading it, he said he'd break up with me if I read it… (Obviously a make fun joke at me, because he took my laptop when I was writing out the good times and bad times with him, my friend said I should to see whether I should break up with him or not. Anyways he didn’t read it and asked me what I would’ve done and I said that. But yeah we ended up back together without discussion or anything.

 

So yeah, I made a note which mostly consisted of not comparing myself to other girls (lol yeah bad self consciousness) but I wrote down some of the things my boyfriend gets upset about like following through with things. But I think he realized something when he read over it, Like I don’t do things on purpose, like I laugh and smile when I'm embarrassed about myself (happens a lot at the gym because I have an issue about being weak) He thinks I'm just fooling around and not taking it serious, I also told him this, but he does something that annoys me, he grabs my arms when I try to tickle him and he tries to make me hit myself. And he tells me to try to get free… He says he's just rough housing and playing around trying to be cute, which I can understand but something about it is not fun. Now that I think about it he doesn’t stop doing things that I tell him hurts my feelings or doesn’t make me feel good. Like he's always saying that’s a bitchy thing to do. And every time I tell him to stop. And he's starting to call me dumb a lot. Like I'll play around that he's trying to be cute and he laughs and calls me dumb, which you know isn’t like serous, but he carries it out like he's just smiling because I'm stupid… I don’t know it's weird lol and that just me nit picking I guess.

 

I've obviously talked to him about not feel appreciated or respected. And he tells me that he does a lot for me, that I don’t even notice. Like cleaning the apartment and making the bed for me so when I get home I can take a nap. I didn’t take this as something he did just for me. He has to work in a clean environment. But what he doesn’t notice is that I'll clean the kitchen a lot too. But he always says no one else cleans. Granted he does clean more and he does it more and a really good job at it. I do appreciate him cleaning up the place. But that’s all he said he does for me.

 

I always wonder how he really thinks of me. I always offer my help to him, and I take time out of my day to do so but he doesn’t really need my help and I just end up standing there. I don’t think he values my knowledge or what I have to teach him.

 

It just sucks because I think I really do love him, every time he gets excited about something I get really happy. I also like it when he laughs, it really is too cute. I love his face when he smiles. And I think he's a really talented artist! Damn I get jealous sometimes he's just awesome, and he's improving sooo much. He has really good ideas when he creates creatures and stories. He's also really good with people. Even though he says he's not very social able, but when he gets handed the opportunity he always tells me how much fun he had. I try to do a lot for him; it just sucks because I sometimes don’t see anything come back to me. I'm going to try to give him some space; I think that’s something we both need. And maybe taking each other for granted wont be as a big issue as I think it was before. I don’t know, I hope we both are able to change but my friend says you can't change people. Anyways I just needed to get this stuff off my chest and maybe just have something to talk about.

Edited March 3, 2008 by PowerRanger1

[Replicant]

Whew, that was long. I'm not going to quote that, i'd be underlining huge portions of it which to me are just garbage any person should not have to put up with. To me he sounds like a deadbeat, whom channels his lack of confidence in himself into berating you in various ways. It's toxic enough it's showing itself in all that of which you have written.

 

As for your relationship, to me it sounds more like two people whom are roommates who tire of one another to some level...or once he got in close proximity (moving in) basically he retired from the job of working at the relationship on all levels. Then also gradually got rid of the caring and respect also. Someone like you should not have to constantly question him how he feels, he's not meeting standards and you know this. These are things you *always* just know regardless of day to day things. People whom care, will try to solve problems as they arise not have a huge mental list ready to unload to paper of things they dislike about the other person. This dude is all about control, he's demoralizing your self esteem to boost his lack thereof. Fact is you put up with the status-quo and focus on qualities you like(d) to rationalize potential change will come from him and it's worth it.

 

I'm not sure when trash pick-up is scheduled for you, but people like that should be out to the curb by then.

[Kamille]

aah PowerRanger, you deserve better. Anyone would.

 

Who the hell is he to tell you what you should change about your life (believe me, I've been thinking a lot about asking people to change lately)? The fact is, you are doing all right just the way you are - you got yourself in school and survived the semester didn't you?, so why the hell does he feel so compelled to want to change you?

 

And because I have been confronted to the fact that I wanted to change my ex, I can tell you: he isn't happy about himself. Don't get trapped in a never-ending cycle of criticism.

 

All those things you named about yourself, someone else would probably love, accept and understand.

 

Move on before he damages your self-esteem. Which, from the way you seem to be putting yourself into question for the failing relationship seems to have already taken a beating.

[xpaperxcutx]

Spell it out : J-E-R-K

 

Step back and take a deep breath, this guy is officially the type of guy you should never date; he reeks of red flags. He's verbally abusive, disrespectful, and inconsiderate. Why would you put up with someone that calls you dumb, and points out your faults at every turn? He degrades you, and you have the decency to contemplate what you should change about yourself for him? Have a little self respect. No person can do that to you unless they're your parents. And not even them, no person should tell you change except yourself.

 

I swear these are all signs of relationship abuse.

[PowerRanger1]

Whew, that was long.

 

I know.. Im kinda embarrassed *>_<* hehehehe. Oh wells.

 

I do think there might be some change sometime in the future but yes, there is a part of me thats thinking yeah right. But it's strange because I saw how he use to act, when we use to be friends and talked on the phone for a long

time. I know he's not that bad though, there's time where he's really nice and fun. And sometimes he comes home and tells me I look pretty when I have my hair pulled back. I dont know, I'm nervous to sound like one of those girls who seems completely in denile.

[xpaperxcutx]

I know.. Im kinda embarrassed *>_<* hehehehe. Oh wells.

 

I do think there might be some change sometime in the future but yes, there is a part of me thats thinking yeah right. But it's strange because I saw how he use to act, when we use to be friends and talked on the phone for a long

time. I know he's not that bad though, there's time where he's really nice and fun. And sometimes he comes home and tells me I look pretty when I have my hair pulled back. I dont know, I'm nervous to sound like one of those girls who seems completely in denile.

 

Yeah well you have to look at the long term of things? Is he nice and affectionate one day then upset on another? Either he's bipolar or he's one of those ppl who wants to change themselves but falls back into a habit of things.... I doubt its the former....

[Green]

I'm a super hero

[D-Lish]

It sounds like the moving in thing happened way too fast.

When you move in with one another after such a short time- it really does change everything.

 

And you guys are young? I am assuming because you are talking about being in school. Maturity can certainly be playing a role here.

 

It's pretty evident that you don't have much confidence in yourself or the relationship. I think it's really hard for a lover to be subjected to constant questioning "do you think I'm pretty, do you like me, etc". I think that is where finding activities with friends outside the relationship would be good for you.

 

If neither of you have a lot of friends outside your relationship, it puts pressure on both of you to rely on one another for everything- and that isn't healthy.

 

I bet if you started forming friendships and being more independent of him that it would take some pressure off your relationship. He is acting like a jerk- but he may feel smothered.

 

Maybe you guys should consider not living together next semester- finding new room mates and seeng how that works.

 

It is healthy to have friendships and lives seperate from one another.

[PowerRanger1]

It sounds like the moving in thing happened way too fast.

When you move in with one another after such a short time- it really does change everything.

 

And you guys are young? I am assuming because you are talking about being in school. Maturity can certainly be playing a role here.

 

It's pretty evident that you don't have much confidence in yourself or the relationship. I think it's really hard for a lover to be subjected to constant questioning "do you think I'm pretty, do you like me, etc". I think that is where finding activities with friends outside the relationship would be good for you.

 

If neither of you have a lot of friends outside your relationship, it puts pressure on both of you to rely on one another for everything- and that isn't healthy.

 

I bet if you started forming friendships and being more independent of him that it would take some pressure off your relationship. He is acting like a jerk- but he may feel smothered.

 

Maybe you guys should consider not living together next semester- finding new room mates and seeng how that works.

 

It is healthy to have friendships and lives seperate from one another.

 

I'm 22 and he's 20, both in college. I completely agree with you about going out with friends and doing different things. I say it all the time to him, he got really clingy to me when i use to go places, it's only been until recently that he hasn't. Plus he always seems stressed and needs fun. But yeah, Im going to try to do the same thing he has. It was an issue in the middle of our relationship were he didnt trust me that much and didnt like me going out. Mostly an issue about my old roommate and friend.

 

And I have been asking him how he felt about us living together. But he worries about money but he might have the opportunity now since I heard his friend is moving out and might need a roommate. I think this is something I want. It makes both of us work a little harder if we want to see each other.

[D-Lish]

I get the idea from your original post that you aren't really enjoying living with him.

 

There is a lot to be said for making someone work a little harder for you.

I think it would also make you feel better about yourself and your relationship if he was forced to put some effort into spending time with you. That's what you deserve!

[Trialbyfire]

And I have been asking him how he felt about us living together. But he worries about money but he might have the opportunity now since I heard his friend is moving out and might need a roommate. I think this is something I want. It makes both of us work a little harder if we want to see each other.

I would also say that he's stopped appreciating and respecting you. In allowing him to get away with treating you with a lack of respect, you also enable his behaviour.

 

Most definitely, a split in residence would be a good idea. The sooner, the better, with the hopes that it will shake the two of you out of your complacency with each other. Perhaps if you're not as readily available, he will begin to understand and appreciate, the things you did for him.

[dreamergrl]

Nothing bothers me more then when someone continues to run down their SO's self esteem. No one deserves to be called "dumb" and put down, and be told to change things about themselves. I think it sounds like he's more insecure about himself and feels the need to bring you down to his level. You deserve better then that. I don't think a "split" is going to change how he treats you in the long run.

 

I've learned from my recent ex, that while they temporarily show change, until they can be happy with themselves, and be secure with who they are, you wont see a long term change in the relationship. I know it's hard, because you look at all the good and you love that person, and it's hard to break away from it, but you're going to end up feeling bad about who you are, and no one deserves that. If you're not appreciated now, think about how you are going to feel in the long run.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I dont know, I'm nervous to sound like one of those girls who seems completely in denile.

Please forgive me I'm just to tired to read the hole thing lol

 

To late for the denial tho you def sound like some one in the early stages of a abusive relationship if hes calling you names now.

 

Its a fun road keep going you'll find out or you can end it now and walk away with your self esteem still intact your choice I guess.

I'm a super hero

Really which one batman? I really like batman lol

[Krytie TV]

Hey OP. I have acted that way with women before. Sometimes into a relationship I would find myself just generally annoyed with her. I could never really place why, but I do know I did a horrible job of hiding it. It would involve things that you mentioned... feeling bothered by the need for attention, snapping when there was no need to, and general edginess.

 

Though each case looked a little different, the only common thread was that I broke up with the girl soon after each time. So, to me, his behavior reminds me of mine when I'm ready to break up with someone. Don't know if that's the case here, but be cautious.