vlynn1959 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 I'll try to keep it short. Ex broke up 4 months ago. Dated for 4 1/2 years. He was divorced for 15 years and still had anger issues. He went from telling me he loved me to I want out of the relationship, all in one breath. We had bought a new boat together. I kept it, for financial reasons, I could pay for it. His work slows way down and he couldn't. Then, 10 days later, he gets a $30,000 mtg on his home & gets a bigger boat. Has had to refi his house cause he can't afford it. Blames all of his misfortunes on me. Last time I spoke to him was in Dec. He won't face me. Owes me money. we were to be at the same New Yrs Eve party and when he found out after he got there I was coming, he left and said he couldn' handle it. Now he's signed up on match.com. The "girl" he's looking for is opposite me. We had a great relationship, never argued, all our friends are floored and say he's going through mid life. I have been NC. I love him a lot. I been divorced for 6 years, was married 20. Is he crazy for going to on line dating?
Far Behind Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Hi, Vlynn...sounds like he has some real poor decision-making skills regarding his finances, for sure. I see you are also in Florida...there seem to be way too many guys down here with poor decision=making skills!
Author vlynn1959 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 I agree. I have been a banker for many years, so I have my head on pretty straight when it comes to finances. After we were dating for about 2 years, I talked him into refi. his house. At that time he owed 23 yrs on it. He refied for 10 and when we broke up he only owed 7 1/2 years on it. He now owes 15 for $101,000. I have to admit, I did get upset when I heard he was on match.com, then I laughed. Seems like he's desperate. My friends think it's too funny. They all tell me, their husbands included, that I am rare. No debt except my house, good career and no what I want in life. I think I am too big hearted at times, though. I think his on line dating stuff is looking for something other than love.
Far Behind Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I think his on line dating stuff is looking for something other than love. I think most of them are there for something other than love! The guy I'm still aching over, I met him on Plentyoffish, a free dating site.
Author vlynn1959 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 I think it's pretty sad. As for my ex, he walked out after 4 1/2 years. There's a lot to the story since we broke up. His life hasn't been too good. The last time I spoke to him in Dec., he told me he was starting a new chapter in his life. That afternoon, it started with a fender bender on the interstate, and has been downhill since. That new chapter isn't going too good. Besides that, he has 2 single friends who didn't want me around, I took up too much of his time. They are both heavy, heavy drinkers, have nothing they own, both in their 40's. One of them doesn't have a job and has been living at my ex's house for 6 months, no job. My ex bought him a fishing license, supports him. Says as long as he has him sleeping at his house, he knows he'll stay off of drugs. This guy comes and goes every couple of years and knows my ex won't say no to him staying there. I call it MOOCHING. I was married for 20 years and have been divorced for almost 7. My ex was total opposite of my ex husband (who I am good friends with today). I really believe that in the long run, he'll find out the grass isn't greener. I don't call him or anything. It's hard, but I have to show him I'm strong.
Far Behind Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 (edited) You sound very together. I was married 15 years, initiated divorce, separated 4 years ago, divorced 2 years. My ex-husband still loves me, but doesn't like me very much. We are having a sweet 16 for our daughter Saturday night at his house (which was our house and we can't seem to sell, sigh). As to the other guy, I met him like I said through an online site back in December, and we hit it off instantly. There were red flags I should have paid attention to, but I didn't, and instead fell in love only to be abandoned for lack of a better word in January. No explanation, no good bye, no kiss my foot, nothing. Three weeks later we got together to see if there was anything worth working out. Seemed so amazing to be together again, both expressed feelings for each other, both miserable without each other. Didn't talk that night about the why's of what he did, but talked about how we both knew we had issues to work on such as him, communication, me, going off half-cocked. He said he was very concerned about how my kids would accept him after a 3 week absense from my life. The next day we emailed from work and planned to spend the weekend together. I call him when I left work, he said he was on another call and would call me back...and I haven't heard from him since, with the exception of a vague response to an email I sent him (he actually said everyday he faces the void left in his life from this, and of course I pointed out that he had created this void) and an email I rec'd last Monday saying he hoped I was doing better since the surgery I had the week before. I had minor surgery and as I was coming out of the anesthesia, I insisted that the nurse, who happens to be a friend of mine, call him and let him know I was ok. He was like oh I didn't know she was having surgery, we haven't spoken in a few weeks. Then when she asked if he wanted to talk to me, he got off the phone because he was in a meeting. Never called over the weekend to see how I was, then sent the perfunctory email on MOnday...I have not written back yet. Actually, I wrote back Friday night, but then unsent it yesterday when I saw through aol that he hadn't read it. Oh my, sorry for blabbing on and on... Edited March 3, 2008 by Far Behind
Author vlynn1959 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 Wow, we sound a lot alike. I keep leaning towards my ex having committment issues. We talked about getting married after my youngest graduates, which will be in May. Friends say they think he's scared. I sort of agree, but SELFISH is the biggest word I can think of. Sounds like your guy is scared himself. As far as you and your ex husband go, if you make sure you put the kids firist, you'll be good. We did that and today we are the best of friends. He was a very selfish guy, still is. And today, I get a lot of respect from him I didn't have. My independence surprised a lot of people. I pray every night for my ex. I told him time and time again it was like I was sent to be a part of his life. Keep your head up and be proud. Sooner or later I think your ex bf will realize what he lost.
carhill Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 OP, ex is a child with grown-up genitals. Please help me understand what is attractive about such men.... I paid cash for my first new car and owned a home as a single man at 25. Women couldn't fly by me fast enough to latch on to these charming losers. On second thought, maybe I was lucky
Far Behind Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 (edited) Hi, Vlynn...yes, it sounds like our tales are a little similar, including the way you discuss your ex-husband. Mine, too, is quite selfish, though he often lets me know how selfish he thinks I am. He would reconcile with me in a minute, and sometimes I really wish I could reciprocate his feelings because it would certainly make some things so much easier. But I don't, and I would never "fake it." I guess if I could, I would not have left in the first place. As to the ex-bf, well today I actually feel a little better than I have in a while. I am trying to wean myself off of checking to see when he was on myspace, because I can't see his profile anyway, just the page where it says it's private. So all I can see is his mood and then I start trying to figure out what he's implying, wondering if he has met someone, basically torturing myself, lol. So, I hope he does realize it one day, but chances are by the time he figures it out, I will have moved on so far past where I am now! Edited March 3, 2008 by Far Behind
Author vlynn1959 Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 So what do you think? You can read my post above. My ex's profile on match.com (my friend went onto a 3 month free trial) states he is looking for someone younger, 28 to 40 yrs old because "he feels young at heart". I'm 2 yrs 8 mths older than him and it didn't bother him for 4 1/2 yrs. Also things on his profile are a lie. Does it sound like mid life?
Far Behind Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 He sounds like a typical South Florida guy in his mid-40s. I have done match before; after a while, it is just the same ole same ole. I was on jdate, and it's all the same guys as on match, and plentyoffish, where I met the guy I wrote about...they are all the same there, too. Most of them say they are looking for a long-term r'ship, then you find out they are all players and looking for a good time, NSA. Too cheap to find "escort" girls in craig's list or something, I guess!
Author vlynn1959 Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 A few of my friends have told me that match.com is a website to meet trashy people on. That it's a scam with a "guaranty" that you'll meet someone,when you sign up for 6 months and pay the $100 or so, or they give you 6 months free. All I know is you can't "guarantee" anybody love. I shouldn't laugh, but a friend of mine has a fake profile on match.com, she got 3 months "free" and can cancel. She has been playing with my ex, winking, etc. I told her it was mean and she said what he did to me was mean and let her be with it. He has been e-mailing with her and the first one he says in the title "new beginnining". She wrote back what does that mean and why would a 45 year old be looking for someone considerably younger. His answer, he feels young at heart and is active and a younger person would be a better fit. She has no picture posted, but when she winked at him, he took it, hook, line and sinker. And new beginning meant the start of a new friendship. Is this lame or what? I also know that he won't go into the Walmart here in our town for fear of seeing me or some of my friends & family, he drives 15 minutes the opposite way. It really hurts, as we bonded like you would never believe. If he does start dating, he wont' be truthful and he had told me that I'm the only person he ever trusted and could tell everything too. In my mind, there is no way after 4 1/2 years that he could walk away and not look back and not have issues, as he has major issues still with his ex wife of 15 years ago. In between her and meeting me, his friends say he took one girl out 1 time to a cookout with them and another girl 2 times and they were pretty much as trashy as you can get.
Author vlynn1959 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 A little update..My ex is now off of match.com. Seems a younger girl blasted him about being 45 yrs old and looking for someone 28-40. She told him that even tho he felt "young at heart and a younger person would be a better fit for me", that he had mid life hit him square between the eyes and unless he had money, hang it up and grow up. A friend of mine told me this, he had told her husband about it. Seems he told the girl from match.com that he decided to "get out of dating" for a while. Funny, he hasn't had any dates since we split, his life has not been too good. Maybe someday he'll remembe what he chose to lose.
Author vlynn1959 Posted March 15, 2008 Author Posted March 15, 2008 It seems like I take many strides forward and then get knocked back many more. Found out today, through a good friend, who thought I had the right to know, that my ex boyfriend of 4 1/2 years messed around on me for a year with a married woman. Then to top that off, his mom is 87 years old, I absolutely love her, and he took a 22 yr old girl to meet her. That's almost 24 years younger than him. Turns out, she is one of his 21 year old sons friends. His son is allowed to have his 16 yr old girlfriend stay over with him, in his bed on the weekends. Morals???? They have none. It was hard & broke my heart, but, you know what? I can lay my head down every night in peace knowing I've done no wrong. Now can he say the same? This tells me why he goes to a different town to shop, he can't face me if he sees me. He's sure not the same person I came to know 4 1/2 yrs ago. Then he was at a bar some of my friends were at last Friday evening. Showed up with his "LOSER" single friend, and I mean "LOSER", drunk on his behind and was trying to hit on every girl at the table. They said he was disgusting. Mid life sure has got him by his you know what.....I think he has gone downhill majorily since we broke up and he hasn't hit bottom yet. Wonder who's gonna pick him up? Sure as hell won't be me.
bejshermanoaks Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Ive had financial issues and it caused me to not treat a woman properly; a man needs to feel like they can take care of their partner..maybe the money problems lead to him ending the relationship cause he felt inadequate? also, Im madly in love with my ex and on match.com--so, its not neccesarily a reflection of how he feel about you..he might be on there cause someone told him to "date"..I know a lot of people who are on match with a broken heart and only on there just to move on, even if they dont really want to..
Author vlynn1959 Posted March 15, 2008 Author Posted March 15, 2008 Well, for him to cheat on me, apparently he was checked out of our relationship a long time ago. But to keep stringing me along? We have a huge circle of friends and they all thought he was madly in love with me. On Christmas Day he told some friends that he loved me but didn't want me in his life???? His 2 brothers and their wives are just devistated that he did this to me. I had a really hard time last night, but I sat down and wrote in my journal for several hours. It helps me get my anger out on paper instead of calling him and blasting him. But you know what? I won't let him get the upper hand and get the best of me. I'm a very strong person and he knows it. After I was married for 20 years and divorced because my ex did the same thing to me, 7 years later he apologized to me. My ex bf knows all of it. Did he get satisfaction that he could cheat and get away with it like his ex wife did to him? Who knows, maybe so. Apparently he's not seeing this other woman he was messing around with. She probably kicked him to the curb and maybe that's why he split up with me. But, mid life has gotten a hold of him really bad. His family said that he is making some really really bad decisions right now and going downhill fast and they said it won't be long, he'll hit rock bottom. His brothers say they'll be there when he hits, but the wives say that after knowing what he did to me or for that matter to any woman, is totally unacceptable and they won't be there to help me.You know the part that hurts the most is sleeping around and coming back to me and the diseases that are out there. Everyone says that when he he hits, I'll be the one he calls.
Far Behind Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 ...you deserve MUCH better than that, which of course I know does not make the hurt you are feeling go away. Writing in your journal is a great exercise, much better than calling him, so keep writing!
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