privyet Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Following emotional affair in the workplace & a serious crisis where I almost left, H & I have reconciled and he promised to make changes & pay more attention to us. Been married 12 years & this was the second time he was drawn to another woman - i think in this case, he WOULD have had PA, but she wouldn't because he was married. The catch: they work together, in fact they teach together (at a college). She has moved out of town, trying to distance herself. I believe she's trying to behave maturely & remove herself as much as possible (he told her he would never leave me for her). But he has very narcissistic tendencies & i'm concerned that he is still calling her/seeing her over coffee, etc. - and thus still letting himself feel good about their feelings for each other. It's a hunch, and completely unfounded, because he HAS been home more, more attentive, calling me more from office, etc. But still not totally open with me about when he DOES have contact with her - i can't figure out if he's acting weird about it because it's still awkward for him, or if he's actually hiding feelings from me. He brushes me off when I ask if he still has feeling for her, he says of course not...He says he was vulnerable and in an unhappy state when he had the EA, and now things at home are better.. Am i fooling myself?
OpenBook Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Always trust your gut. You are probably sensing some pining on his part for the nonOW. I suspect that since he has narcissistic tendencies, he didn't "win" the game with her and therefore she's still on his mind. Men always want what they can't have. Especially narcissists who've been beaten at their own game.
Author privyet Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 The issue of his being a narcissist is new to me (that it's actually a personality disorder, that is..my therapist suggested he seemed like this) - and you're right, i'm sure he's smarting from having to curtail that relationship to MY needs, as opposed to his. So much trust has been broken, but he has been so vocal about saying he will work hard to restore that trust. I want to believe him very much. On the one hand. Once i asked him (probably unfairly) if he had been out to visit her - his reaction was downright violent & i wound up apologizing. So i never ask anymore, I just wish he'd give me more transparency for my own peace of mind. I know they see each other, they're in the same workspace so it goes without saying, but still..
laptop2009 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 (edited) i think in this case, he WOULD have had PA, but she wouldn't because he was married. The sentence above along should give more than enough reason not to trust him. It's a hunch, and completely unfounded, because he HAS been home more, more attentive, calling me more from office, etc. Ask yourself, if they work together and spend at least 8 hours only few feet away, how hard is it for them to have coffee togther, lunch together, having intimate conversation together, few kisses, motel time during lunch or other break, or right after or right before work? He brushes me off when I ask if he still has feeling for her, he says of course not. You know that's a lie because the first quote above. So much trust has been broken, but he has been so vocal about saying he will work hard to restore that trust. I want to believe him very much. On the one hand. Once i asked him (probably unfairly) if he had been out to visit her - his reaction was downright violent & i wound up apologizing. He is working hard to restore that trust? What about restoring love and respect? Does acting "downright violent" help restoring love and respect? My reation was WTF! He betrayed you by having an EA and possibly a PA, what gives him the right to act mad when you question him where he has been? His life should be an open book to you, if he really meant that he is "working hard to restore that trust" and your asking him where he has been is just a small price that he has to pay as a result of him having an affair. Am I the only one who thinks that you're being treated like a doormat? If you continue allow this disrespect and lack of remorse and understand of your pain and suspicion, you will eventually explode and lose love and wanting to leave. Edited March 2, 2008 by laptop2009
Author privyet Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 ugh. I know. I sound like an idiot. He is very convincing.
laptop2009 Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 (edited) ugh. I know. I sound like an idiot. He is very convincing. Obviously he isn't convincing enough to completely confinced you. It's like you already know the answers, but, yet you're avoiding them. Instead of being a doormat or just give up, like you almost did the last time, why not do something in the middle. Stand up for yourself. Demand an "open book" from him and demand RESPECT and UNDERSTANDING. Is that really that much to ask from a spouse who had an affair? He is an educated man and should have the capacity of reasoning. Reason with him. If he gets mad, don't become apologetic, instead, be calm and reason with him. Ask him to be in your shoes. Tell him how you feel. Let him know that he only sees a fraction of your pain. If after all the reasoning and you still don't get the respect and understanding you deserve, ask yourself whether you still want to be with him. Only you can answer that question. Edited March 3, 2008 by laptop2009
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 this was the second time he was drawn to another woman You two need to work together to fix whatever it is that's broken in your marriage. HE needs work on himself and figure out why he feels the need to go outside of the marriage and deal with his personal issues. Whatever problems going on IN the marriage is not an excuse to go and cheat, seek attention somewhere else. He is getting his ego fed big time and fact is, he's acting rude and getting mad about you questioning him, like he's protecting his little fantasy fun. All that does is make HIM look guilty and up to no good. Seems he's not doing too much to make you feel secure, loved or trust him.
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