alusted Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 So i've been reading alot of the stories on these boards, and finding alot of what people are saying here really comforting. Its touching, so soon after a breakup, to see other people approaching similar stories about people they have never met and trying their hardest to extend any help they can. So maybe in response to that, i felt i should share my story with you good folks Basically i'd been with a girl for almost 2 years until a few days ago. We both lived in London and im white but shes Moroccan and as a result has a really religious family. The type which never let her see boys, let alone meet up with them alone - the type which always knew that they would marry her to the man *they* chose, and that she would bear his children and keep his, islamic moroccan home. Maybe in hindsight then, it seems like a breakup was inevitable, but when things started i guess it seemed stupid to look so far ahead. I loved her unconditionally and she always told me that even if this is all it could ever be, she was extactic that she could have at least one relationship before having to live the life her parents set out for her. Even if a relationship between us had to always be covered up by lies and secrets. But then october last year she moved up to York to go to university, while i got a placement in Cambridge. Anyone who knows England will know how far apart these two places are, and yet we stayed together, visiting each other every other weekend and it was almost better than before because it was out of london and far away from her family. But then, last week, i had a half term. So i went up to visit her and we had an amazing week - closer maybe than we had ever been. And yet, she kept getting these text messages all the time i was with her and she didnt mention them at all. I know it was underhanded, i know it wasnt my finest hour, but i checked her phone when she wasnt around and read that they were all, about 60 from the last 2 weeks, from one boy. I didnt mention it because i didnt want to ruin the week, and i tried to forget about it. But then when we said goodbye and went home, i got a call from her. She said that she had just had a call from her mom, who had told her how she should be looking out for boys, and keeping faithful to her religion (even though she isnt religious herself). Her mom also told her how her dad cries every night in bed thinking about her at university sleeping with boys and "betraying" the family. So this girl tells me she cant do it anymore, that she cant take the guilt At this point i think i understood. I still took it badly because of how close we had been and how out of the blue it was, but i think i understood that breaking up might be the easiest thing for her. But after a few more conversations it started to come out that it was more than that. It seemed like she didnt Love me at all, and that what she had originally said was a complete fabrication. It was about this time that a friend of hers, who had became a friend of mine, emailed me a conversation she had been having with a boy on facebook - saying "you should probably see this". (maybe i should explain here that i dont use facebook and so would never have seen this otherwise). It was basically a conversation with the same boy she had been texting, talking in the most intimate way and mirroring exactly the things we had said in the hunnymon period of our relationship. I really cant explain how painful it was reading that email. It was as though every sentence made things worse and yet i couldnt tear my eyes away. Finally i got to a part where she told him how fantastic it was falling to sleep to his voice on the phone the night before: a message dated to a day when we had spoken earlier that night, and she had hung up on me explaining she needed to "get some rest". What hurt the most is that that is what we had always done since we left to university. When she had trouble sleeping, i used to call her and improvise these crude fairy tales - totally just entertaining myself with how bad they were , until she finally stopped responding. And I guess since i read that email she just hasnt returned my calls. I know shes with him this weekend, again - told by the same friend. And i just hurts. I know that i should just try to get over it and try this NC thing but it seems as though every minute since then has been spent trying to do anything that will keep me from thinking about her. It gets to the point when i am physically scared to leave my computer to go to the toilet - because i know that when i do i will be left with my own thoughts and this feeling of utter hopelessness will come over me again. I guess with all this im not reinventing the wheel. I guess i dont even know why i wrote all this. I just felt as though i should write it all down. But it doesnt feel any better Sorry for whining to y'all
marianne62 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Hi Alusted.....I just read your post and wanted to say how sorry I am for what happened to you. I've been there, so have most of us. It hurts, I know. The only thing I can tell you is that IT WILL GET BETTER but it takes time and it depends on how you handle it. If you go NC and stick with that, no matter how difficult it is to do, it will get better faster. If you try to stay in contact with her and keep giving her opportunities to "play" with your emotions, you're in for a long ride. Please take care.....time does take care of this stuff. It's not just some stupid cliche. I'm 45 and have had at least 3 relationships that have absolutely ripped my heart out when they ended and today I can look back and wonder why I even got myself all worked up about them. Of course at the time, I was wounded on so many levels, but it got better with time. Wish I had a magic pill I could send you to take the pain away, but believe it or not, the pain you are going through will eventually be a valuable lesson for you down the line. Anyway, take care.
s_n_d Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 marianne is absolutely right. NC could do you good. I know how your feeling. My ex too is with someone else at the moment and I know how much it hurts. I found out from my friends too (also after they saw the comments on his facebook profile). Sometimes I wonder if everything he ever said to me was a lie. It feels like I dont even know this person my ex has turned out to be. Ive been on NC for 32 days now. Although I still love him to death, I miss him a lot less (with the exception of a few days here and there) because of NC. I guarantee you that after the initial 10 days of NC, you will start feeling better. Stay strong.
s_n_d Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Also, I understand the culture differences that your talking about. My ex is Italian and Im Indian and Portuguese, however we're both Catholic. I know how hard it must have been. Speaking from experience (in my family), we have a variance of relatives who are of different cultures and religions. It can be a problem in the beginning. However, my family has come to accept them all. Someone who loves you would NEVER be embarrassed/scared of introducing you to her family for fear of shaming them. You deserve someone better. Keep posting on here and let us know how your doing.
superfox Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Hi there, Just wondering is this guy she is now talking to the same culture as her? I noticed you mentioned the cultural differences. I have been there. I am the same faith as your ex, and I have done my share of sneaking around and lying. It just hurts both people. I know it hurt me and made me feel so guilty honestly I couldn't really enjoy the relationship. The way I was raised was not to do those things it was emotionally turmoiling. You just feel caught in the middle of two things a boyfriend and your family and its really hard to choose. Interestingly enough in my case it was his family who didn't want to accept me. I think they thought he should be with a white girl because they could have so much in common, and why should he have to live being a secret to my family I guess. Eventually he would have met my family but in my culture we can't just bring home any guy it has to be THE ONE and very serious. Perhaps your ex was just fooling around and having fun and will obey her parents at the end and have a traditional marriage. I've grown up seeing that type of behavior all around me. But I have also seen marriages that are cross cultural so it is possible. Were you supportive of her lifestyle, and of the traditions she had to abide by? I know sometimes people can get worried when they don't feel that support in cross cultural relationships. For me personally I did my best to be respectful of the cultural differences, but my ex was actually not supportive enough, he really judged the differences and it was part of his reason for leaving. Superfox
Author alusted Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 Thank you guys for the advice. I have stayed with NC for a while now but nothing seems to have changed. I guess its just the old cliche, time. to superfox, the boy she is with now is white/english too. To be honest race and culture and religion was never an issue for us. To me its not like a persons upbringing changes who they are when it comes to the crunch, and i guess for her, who grew up in a western urban enviroment, being with an atheist might have seemed normal. But i guess sometimes the things you never see are the ones that swim up and bite you in the ass. Does anybody else feel as though sometimes they subcontiously fall for the *most* different person to them, just to make things hard on themselves?
superfox Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Hey, did you find that you and her had a lot in common or were totally different? Sometimes people who are totally different can get along great I guess it just depends. People have such various perspectives on it. For me personally I never have issues if a person is very different because I am extremely accepting and open minded but in my experiences others are not always as accepting of difference.
MalachiX Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Anyone who knows England will know how far apart these two places are, [. Just curious but how long a drive we talking about? Sorry for whining to y'all Don't worry. It's worth it to hear an English person say "y'all" Seriously, whining may be the best thing for you now. I'm sure you'll see from my other posts that it's all I can seem to do. Venting can be useful as it helps you get your emotions out in a safe way and maybe even gives you some perspective.
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