My ex still hasn't shut off my cellphone (which he pays for!) This is weird!

[LongHairedGirl]

Hi all, I am new to this site and newly broken up, living on my own and trying to get through a painful break-up. Let me tell you the story if anyone is willing to listen.... I find some of my ex's actions a little perplexing...

 

We met on a common interest site 6 (motorcycles) months ago and ended up falling for each other even though we are a long distance from each other. He said in the beginning that he didn't want a LD relationship but since I'm single with no children I was willing to consider relocation if things worked out between us. So we kept falling in love...

 

His habit was to call me every morning after he got out of the shower and talk to me right until he arrived at work. Then when I would get home in the evenings (he finishes work sooner than me) we would then talk until bedtime. We have done that for 6 months, never missing a day. Please let me say that I never forced this, he wanted to talk to me. Sometimes I would even offer to let him go if he seemed distracted by tv, etc. and he always refused, saying he wanted me to stay on the phone with him.

 

After about 4 months of this he flew out to visit me for a week and we had a WONDERFUL week together. He seemed to be just as much in love with me as ever and kept up the same contact when he returned home. He also started asking when I was willing to move to his area and talked about hiring an attorney to get a fiancee visa for me. He is in the States and I'm in Canada so he knew he had to marry me for me to be able to stay there long-term with him. At first he had been nervous about that because he's had 2 failed marriages before but later decided he wanted to do it. Was even calling me by his last name already in fun...

 

He wanted me to come for a visit out there so a month after he left I flew out for 16 days to stay with him. He had moved into this apt. a few months prior and had kept stressing to me that the apt. was "OURS." He bought a new sports car that he declared was "OURS", new bed for US, etc. etc. Kept telling me he was setting up the home for us both. He also told me he was going to buy me a promise ring while I was there and before I even arrived he bought me 2 beautiful heart-shaped necklaces and a teddy bear for Valentine's Day that were waiting for me when I arrived. OH YES and he had bought me a motorcycle a couple months before that so that I would have one to ride when I moved out there (he was going to teach me.) It was waiting for me in the garage when I arrived, with a bow on it.

 

Obviously my bf had spoiled me rotten and continuously told me how much he loved me, that he never loved anyone like he loved me, etc. etc. I flew out there completely expecting to have a wonderful time. What happened instead is that within a couple days of arriving there he was acting strange... kind of miserable, distant, etc. with no explanation. I had never seen this side of him before. I asked him if I had said anything/done anything to upset him but he said he was just tired and his neck ached. Although we did have some good moments, I basically found that he was more distant than usual and definitely seemed a little cold, miserable and sarcastic at times. Although I didn't ask him too many times about what was wrong I did ask him at least a few times in the 16 days I was there and he never would say anything was wrong. A couple times I even asked him if he wanted me to come back and he would always say yes but it was not the enthusiastic type of answer I was used to.

 

Of course this made me sad at times and so I probably looked a little down, confused myself at times and teared up but there were no scenes of any kind. I did however bawl the day I left and I even told him that I had a feeling we would never see each other again. He said he didn't know why I felt that way and short of a natural disaster he didn't see why I would not be back. Again this was said in a calm/detached manner and not exactly the emotional reassurance I was looking for. At our last moments at the airport I even asked him if our plan was still the same (since he really had not talked about it hardly at all since I arrived) and he said it was. I asked him if anything had changed and he said no.

 

I get home and he still called me the same as usual but I noticed a subtle difference somehow still. He said he loved me but was just tired... After 2 conversations where I felt something was still wrong I told him maybe he should take a few days to himself if he liked. He did. After 3 days he emailed me saying he cared for me a lot but had decided he didn't want to share his life or apartment with anyone, wasn't ready to be serious and not sure if he ever would want to be again with anyone. Also seemed disappointed in our "interactions" during the trip (when I pressed him on that he said the first week was fun but the 2nd week he felt suffocated and was feeling irritated, etc. Also thought I was too emotional... again, I did have a few emotional moments but nothing big and it was totally because of his sarcastic, cold and almost mean behaviour so I don't think it was really fair for him to judge me on that since I can't imagine any girl not being upset in those circumstances... most of the time I was fine and happy.)

 

Anyways he had said he wanted to talk to me as friends. When I asked him if he just wanted to slow down or break up he did not answer. When I asked him if he still loved me his response was "Difficult one. I don't feel the same as I did before." After a couple emails back and forth and some attitude coming out from him I basically told him I did not wish to argue and ended it nicely asking him not to reply to my email and asking him to take care now and in the future. I also never called him although he had suggested I could.

 

He didn't reply but 2 days later he sent me an email saying "Here are some pics for you (from the digital cam we had used.) I'm sorry for everything."

 

I responded back saying I knew he was sorry, that I didn't hate him but just wished he had talked to me about his feelings before so we could've just slowed things down and said I would look at the pics. I also then emailed him back about the pics after I looked at them and said they were good, asked why he had not included the ones I had taken of him or the car and he said he didn't think I would want them now but would forward them. I replied back with a couple comments about them when he did and he did not reply.

 

That was the last of our contact although I did text him one day to ask if he had told anyone on the one site about our break-up since I had just gotten an email from someone there asking about us. He texted back no, that he wasn't really talking to anyone but was just working. I did not reply and that was the end of our contact. That was a few days ago.

 

Now he had given me a cellphone on his plan months ago and paid a lot of money for the charges. I assumed he would cut it off given our break-up but its' been over a week since then and it's still working! I don't know what to make of that! I could run the man into bankruptcy with that phone if I was a mean girl but I won't. I just find that strange. He can't have forgotten that I have it because we had that text exchange only a few days ago after all!

 

Here's the really hard part. We are both on a big motorcycling site (not bikers, just motorcycle enthusiasts) and I can't seem to stop looking to see what he posts. It's bad but I can't seem to stop. I also was given the password to his cellphone account online and I had gone on there to see how much my phone had cost him last month ($68) and when I did I saw that while I was down there that he had been texting a lot with his ex-wife in the last few days I was down there!!! I knew they had contact but that still surprised me and since I left they have been texting a lot and calling each other too. In fact he texted and called her when he left me at the airport. This is a woman though that he said was a best friend to him since high school and that he would never want to live with again but just be friends... Now I am wondering what is up.

 

I am doing NC now but not sure if that also means I should not post on the site we are both on.

I know this is a long story but would appreciate some feedback. I really never saw this coming and I am so hurt. And now I have this beautiful promise ring from him and 2 beautiful necklaces and I can't even bear to look at them now. I don't understand why he would still buy me the ring if he wanted to break up.. he could've made an excuse to get out of it after all and told me he was short on money or something.

 

LongHairedGirl

Edited March 2, 2008 by LongHairedGirl

[sally4sara]

Well, it could be for two reasons that your phone still works.

One is that he might be obligated by a contract to have service on the phone for an agreed upon amount of time and feels bad enough about things to not ask you to pay for it. Also I think he can decide to stop service on it but it might take till the end of the month because he is paid up till then.

The other reason is, just like you can see his call and text history, he can see your's.

[LongHairedGirl]

Well, it could be for two reasons that your phone still works.

One is that he might be obligated by a contract to have service on the phone for an agreed upon amount of time and feels bad enough about things to not ask you to pay for it. Also I think he can decide to stop service on it but it might take till the end of the month because he is paid up till then.

The other reason is, just like you can see his call and text history, he can see your's.

 

Thanks for the comment Sara.

 

Well he pays a fee to keep the phone active each month but I'm sure he could suspend service if he wanted to. And we just finished February and started March and it's still active so I would think if it was a matter of waiting till the end of the month it would've been February.

 

One of my friends mentioned the idea that maybe he wants to see who I am talking to but he knows I rarely use the phone for calls because the cost to him is so high and I mostly talk on my home phone so I wouldn' think he'd be expecting that.

 

What did you think about the promise ring and jewelery he gave me during my trip? I find all of that strange too.

 

silk

[carhill]

Trying you on. Ambivilent. 2 failed marriages. Reality. Scared. Detach.

 

Pride yourself on being a lady and treating him well. The right man will appreciate those things and not lead you on (even if unintentional).

 

Considering a LDR, too fast IMO, especially since travel back and forth is relatively inexpensive.

[LongHairedGirl]

Trying you on. Ambivilent. 2 failed marriages. Reality. Scared. Detach.

 

Pride yourself on being a lady and treating him well. The right man will appreciate those things and not lead you on (even if unintentional).

 

Considering a LDR, too fast IMO, especially since travel back and forth is relatively inexpensive.

 

Thank you Carhill for the comment. I know he told me in the last few weeks before I had flown out to see him that the idea of getting married a 3rd time was a little scary for him but he still said he wanted to do it so I could be with him. I had also started to notice him saying "my" apartment/car, etc. when before he would correct me if I didn't say "our." I wish he had just talked to me about slowing down. Instead he had been pushing for me to move out there soon and I had told him it would probably take several more months at least and he said I was worth waiting for. So we planned to have me fly back a few times if necessary (he had used his vacation time already but said he'd help me buy the flight tickets to come see him during the year.)

 

I think he must've gotten cold feet before I even got there and that's why he was acting detached and so easily irritated because in all the 6 months before he was not like that in the least, including when he flew up to see me. I also think his ex-wife suddenly having a new bf and talking to him about it may have started him wanting to rekindle that relationship since she suddenly no longer was after him and was telling him she hoped he was happy with me, etc. (I never thought of this till reading posts on here about how an ex changing their behaviour can rekindle new interest.) He sure seems to be busy texting her a lot since a few days before I left and even more after I left....

 

LongHairedGirl

[SeraBella]

I have no idea about the jewelry, but I have a rule and that is: Never have a relationship with a man who gives/wants to give me a promise ring.

 

They just are so very immature to me. Why is it necessary?

 

I don't know why, it's just like a red flag to me that I should get out of the relationship.

 

And, honestly, I don't know a single person who has ever received a promise ring and actually ended up with that person.

 

But, regarding the situation, I think you guys just felt some major feelings and rushed into the whole commitment.

 

Was the 16 days the first time you had met in person? When you meet someone online it's hard to really "commit" to someone until you meet in person. You think you've fallen for them because you can have some great conversations and realize you share a ton of interests, but you really need that spark in person to continue. Perhaps the spark just wasn't there. Maybe you both were so lustfully in "love" that you rushed everything else and the actual meet was a let down. It's easy to build someone up so much online and then have that happen.

 

Also, maybe he just makes hasty decisions. With 2 failed marriages, that sounds like a possibility.

 

And 6 months seems like it is rushing it for any relationship, let alone a long distance one.

 

I'm sorry you're going through these emotions. I'm sure you will find a better fit...you don't need the emotional baggage he has from his previous marriages anyway.

[LongHairedGirl]

I have no idea about the jewelry, but I have a rule and that is: Never have a relationship with a man who gives/wants to give me a promise ring.

 

They just are so very immature to me. Why is it necessary?

 

I don't know why, it's just like a red flag to me that I should get out of the relationship.

 

And, honestly, I don't know a single person who has ever received a promise ring and actually ended up with that person.

 

But, regarding the situation, I think you guys just felt some major feelings and rushed into the whole commitment.

 

Was the 16 days the first time you had met in person? When you meet someone online it's hard to really "commit" to someone until you meet in person. You think you've fallen for them because you can have some great conversations and realize you share a ton of interests, but you really need that spark in person to continue. Perhaps the spark just wasn't there. Maybe you both were so lustfully in "love" that you rushed everything else and the actual meet was a let down. It's easy to build someone up so much online and then have that happen.

 

Also, maybe he just makes hasty decisions. With 2 failed marriages, that sounds like a possibility.

 

And 6 months seems like it is rushing it for any relationship, let alone a long distance one.

 

I'm sorry you're going through these emotions. I'm sure you will find a better fit...you don't need the emotional baggage he has from his previous marriages anyway.

 

Hi SeraBella, thank you for the comment.

 

Actually no, he flew up and spent about a week with me around New Year's and we were just as much in love. He was actually pushing for me to move out to live with him following that and telling me still how much he loved me. He actually said he was missing me more than before since being with me in person.

 

As for the ring, I don't quite remember how it came up in the beginning but I think the idea to buy it was just because he knew it would please me (and then he decided to call it a promise ring because we were not yet at the engagement stage but knew we wanted to be together long-term.)

 

LongHairedGirl

[Mary3]

So in * real time * you only spent one week together NYEve and then the days you are talking about ( the 16 days )

 

In that time , you really did not know eachother, you only knew the online fantasy of thinking eachother were the most wonderful thing that ever happened.

 

But was HAS to happen is to spend LOTS of time together and get to know eachother , each others habits , moods , cleanliness habits, on and on, so forth.

 

I think that after spending time with you ( the second time ) he realized it was not what he wanted. He gushed all this STUFF at you , motorcyles, rings , jewelry. He rushed rushed everything..

 

I think he likely still had feelings for his ex. He was talking to her about you. It upset her. They both confessed they still felt something and he could not wait to get rid of you fast enough....

 

THATS WHY from now ON , you take TIME , LOTS of time to get to know a man , don't give your entire heart to someone you only know as the fantasy guy on the computer.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting .

[LongHairedGirl]

Thanks for your take on the situation Mary. I like to hear everyone's perspective.

 

On a rather ironic note, some had suggested that maybe he had kept the phone going because he wanted to watch who I was talking to/texting to. Soooooooooo last night I figured I'd test that theory.... Sat down and texted several people and spent the evening texting back and forth with them (texting on the phone is unlimited so there is no charge to my ex.) Then perhaps by coincidence, perhaps not, at 6:45 a.m. his time this morning he sends me an email asking me to send the phone back to him.

 

Hmmmm. Makes me wonder now...

 

I waited a couple hours and texted him back saying of course I would, just give me a little time to get a new cellphone first (he had suggested I give away my old one and I did.) Then I told him to say hello to his ex-gf for me and that I hoped he was well, that I was doing great.

 

I have no idea what the thought of my message but I tend to think it might've made him wonder if I knew something or not (and he should sweat it out thinking maybe I did....)

 

Long Haired Girl