Alrighty - Because I need somewhere to vent - my tale of 'woe'. ;) (Long)

[Prosecco]

I first met the boy who just dumped me (it's hard for me to even call him my ex) just under a year ago. We met up a few times, not as dates. We chatted about past emotional scars, and got on really well. He became a good friend, and was the first person I could talk to about personal stuff, as I'm a very private person. We talked about how we weren't sure we were ready for a relationship (in general) - but gradually became involved. From seeing each other as friends, it became exclusive, and eventually he admitted he wanted a relationship with me, and I admitted the same with him.

 

So... we make it official, and spend lots of time together. Everything is relaxed, caring... I know he still has issues from being extremely hurt by his past. Things are taken slow, and are better for it. It's comfortable, happy... We share his birthday, have a lovely xmas. Valentines was good too. I had spent some time in France - according to mutual friends he can't stop talking about me while I was away, was counting down the days till I returned.

We have mutual friends, do lots of events things. He's very affectionate - in public and at home. Our personality and hobbies chimed. We just clicked - it was so relaxed, so friendly, yet with chemistry.

Problems with his work - but he withdraws his resignation after the offer of a job in America.

 

We go to a gig, I go back to his. Next day, we see a film, then I head back to mine. I realise I really care about him, and have never told him. He's taken all the risks before in getting us together, so I thought I ought to take one. I send him a text (cowardly) saying 'love you'. No response.

 

I see him the next day. We spend a nice evening together, I stay over. In the morning - he asks me seriously how I feel for him. I tell him I love him.

He denies this - says it cant be the case. Then starts to cry - talking about how he can never love again, and doesn't love me. I explain I wasn't wanting anything - I know about the issues. I wasn't wanting to hear anything in return (all true). I just wanted him to feel cared about.

 

He dumps me. He can't love me.

 

And that's it. Knowing his personality - his decision and completely and utterly final.

 

The thing is - I'd been psyching myself up to bring up America, since he was avoiding it. I was going to suggest we take things casually and break up / go on a break before he left. But have a set date, so we could prepare for things.

 

But coming now - was such a shock. We'd planned a (group) holiday together, had tickets to events and concerts. I didn't see it coming. Mutual friends didn't. One even said: "you two had given me hope that relationships could work out".

 

So... now I'm having to deal with several things:

1) the fact it hasn't sunk in - I wake up happy, then realise I've lost him and cry. And I can't quite understand why it went from relaxed and happy... to nothing. I feel so damn powerless.

2) the fact he was crying as he dumped me. If he cares... then why doesn't he want to see if it could be worked out?

3) the fact that I KNOW I'm being stupid trying to plan things in my head like getting him to a counsellor, having a break from me... to fix him so he feels he can get back to me... YET I can't stop thinking them.

4) The fact that because of the way we became involved, he became a close friend. Losing that rips just as much as losing our relationship.

 

And perhaps the thing that hurts most of all:

5) He's probably right.

 

 

On top of all this - I'm ill, having trouble getting permanent employment (I'm currently temping), having trouble eating, was dumped exactly a week before my birthday. When he'd planned to take me out for dinner.

 

How the heck do I get my head fixed. I keep hoping we could work it out - but there is STILL America. He's unlikely to move there forever, but it would be at least 6 months. I KNOW this is a blessing in disguise... but...

It feels like such a waste. I went out with my ex before him for 4 years... and never felt as happy as I had with this guy. I was then single for 2 years, as I never met anyone I found interesting, attractive and on my wavelength.

 

Part of me is kicking myself - maybe if I'd never gotten involved, I could have had something amazing with him in the future. I KNEW he was hurt - why couldn't I wait? He had said - I was the first person he'd met that made him feel he could risk a relationship again. And on breaking up - that it was doomed from the start.

 

Part of me thinks I'm being selfish - I mean - it's nothing compared to being in a relationship that's long, mutually loving... but I just can't help but see the potential we had. And miss him so much. And it's only a week.

 

If someone has never loved you... can you get them back?

[tonyeltiger]

I will give the normal advise (unfortunately, even I'm tired of hearing it, but it is true). Even if it was a long, mutually loving relationship, the minute one person decides to leave, there is no way to "get him/her back". The only way he will ever be in your life in the way you want again is for him to decide to come back to you. Especially the way you describe his actions, it would only hurt any chances of that happening by trying to remain in his life if he doesn't want to be with you. You sound like a great person. Hopefully he will find that he has made a mistake and will return. But I have been realizing more and more in my case, that hope is the most painful emotion that I have about my breakup. Although it's strange to say this, consider yourself lucky that he said "I can't love you" (and said that you know it is final). This allows you to lose that most painful emotion. I know in my case, and a couple others on LS currently, my Ex-gf gave me a lot of "I don't know how I'll fell about you in the future", "I love you still and always will, but think it is more of the way I love a best friend", etc. etc. This is horrible because it gives so much room for hope. But at the same time I can see the reality that she is not contacting me, has said she doesn't want me to contact her, and is now seeing someone else. She is indeed over me, for the time being at least. All you and I can do is learn from our experiences, try to pick ourselves up, and improve ourselves. Focus on the things that you didn't like about the relationship (him not giving you what you needed, etc) and try to not put him up on a pedestal. I may have missed it, I didn't see how long you were together, but I assume a short-ish time. Take solice in being glad you didn't date for 4 years and then this come up. The quicker the truth comes out, the better in my opinion. Just move on, improve yourself for YOUR sake, and maybe he'll come back around of his own accord and like what he see's and will be in a better place for a relationship. But do not do all of this work to try to "get him back", you may only be setting yourself up for disappointment. I wish you the best!

[tonyeltiger]

Oh, and I would be remiss to not mention the use of NC or course. Not only will it make you heal faster by not hearing his voice, reading his thoughts etc, but it will also make it fr easier for him to begin missing YOU. If he knows whats up with your life, if you're dating, all that, he will have no reason to worry or contact you. Go NC. Nothing! If he calls you keep it short and sweet, but don't tell him much if anything about your life. Unless of course you are ok with truly being just a friend. And this means having absolutely no desire to be with him romantically, which is obvious that you are not at that point yet. Nc seems to me the best way for you. Goodluck with that!

[Prosecco]

All wise words. If only I could do more than wish they weren't true.

 

Officially, we were together 6 months. Unofficially, closer to a year.

 

Yet in those 6 months - while he never said gooey things, or went out of his way to make romantic gestures... I became closer to him that I did the man I went out with for over 4 years.

 

From the 4 year relationship I learned what I did and did not need in a man. It took two years to find someone who gave me that. Which is probably why I allowed myself to fall without at least some checks.

 

I was stupid. I knew what I was getting into. But it just seemed worth it. Prior to him, I was happy to be single. I had convinced myself that I was happily independant, and friends could provide all the attention and affection I needed.

 

This guy taught me I was wrong. And while it was a good thing to learn... I wish he hadn't.

 

 

I'm supposed to talk with him briefly tomorrow evening - to arrange a meeting to discuss how it ended, the reasons, and setting rules for non-contact. The last is very important... as almost all of my close friends are mutual friends, and the last year has been spent doing a lot together. After that, I suspect I'll be here a lot... hopefully I'll have something to add as well as relying on kind responses to my venting.

[s_n_d]

I dont want to give out any false hope. He MIGHT come back or he MIGHT NOT.

 

Heres a quote that helps me when Im feeling down::

 

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."

[Whey2Big4u]

sounds like you were a rebound!!! sorry to say. i went through the same thing.........i was with a girl 6 year, she left me. i was hurting and blah blah blah. I met a girl, she really really likedme , kept hinting towards love, but it was too m,uch, along with some other things...told her wed be better friends. long story short, we dont talk, i never see her and two months later i realized shewas just a rebound. we were together 4 months but rebounds can last longer.

 

another story. my ex finaces cousin and his wife split for a year. he was hurt and blah blah blah. when they met up again he was engaged (a serious rebound) he left the other girl to be with his past girl and now there married

[Prosecco]

Sorry to bump this... but tomorrow's the day I'm seeing him...

 

It's just ... weird. He posted me a nice (cool and useful rather than remotely affectionate) birthday pressie - but it was so weird not to share my birthday with him.

 

Before I had all these questions I wanted to ask him. Now I know deep in my gut that anything he says will confirm we're over. I'd almost rather not know the answers and drive myself mad thinking about him... that hear the truth.

And I don't want to cry in front of him. I don't want to break down and beg for... something, anything.

I want to be strong. How can another person make me so weak?

 

So - yuh... I'll probably be here ranting tomorrow night. Humour me, and don't throw too much common sense at me, until I'm above water enough to hear it.

 

*hugs*

 

Anyway - yes I was his rebound... and... ouch. Pity I can't be his rebound from me as well...