xpaperxcutx Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Lately I came to a realization that all of my dates/flings/relationship all had one thing in common- I was the one doing the most chasing and pleasing. My past dates with a few crushes of mine never exceeded more than ONE date. There was no prevalence of any sort of wrongdoing on my part, I think I followed all the dating rules, my behaviour was adequate, and my personality was more than out going. Yet days after those dates, the guys stop calling and I find myself obsessing over why I've been stood up. I don't think I've ever put myself out there as desperate, there was always attraction on both parts, so why is it that I find myself going from hopeless dates to hopeless dates with no end results in my favor?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Try not following the rules? Lol I meant that I've presented myself as any person would on a first date, not overly sexual or promiscuous, but outgoing and confident. No unnecessary mention of anything personal, stayed on neutral topics. But on occasions I find myself being a bit more flirtatious than need be. Is that a bad sign?
Arch Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Lol I meant that I've presented myself as any person would on a first date, not overly sexual or promiscuous, but outgoing and confident. No unnecessary mention of anything personal, stayed on neutral topics. But on occasions I find myself being a bit more flirtatious than need be. Is that a bad sign? Don't ask me, I really have no idea what people are thinking, all I know is if something isn't working then reattempting the same thing over and over again will only lead to failure. But from what you described I don't see a reason why someone would not go out with you again.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 all I know is if something isn't working then reattempting the same thing over and over again will only lead to failure. When I go on dates I try to be casual there was no rigidity on my part. I never saw my way of going about things as a ploy that was carefully planned out. I mean I do have my occasional moments of being a bit shy than usual, but I don't see people being repulsed by that? I have no idea either what they were thinkin....
Green Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 first off how are these dates comming about. If your getting them off the internet, maybe your not as hot in person as they thought you'd be. If these are guy just asking you out after they meet you in person, then yes maybe you are doing something wrong, but you probably don't see it. So just keep trying different things and you'll be bound to discover what your doing wrong. Try to be your best self, but don't be patronizing or judgemental toward your date and try to give them a good sign your into them if thats the case.
Arch Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Try calling the guy, instead of waiting for him to call you? That would be a change.
Max Overclock Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Lately I came to a realization that all of my dates/flings/relationship all had one thing in common - I was the one doing the most chasing and pleasing. My past dates with a few crushes of mine never exceeded more than ONE dateip <snip> ...so why is it that I find myself going from hopeless dates to hopeless dates with no end results in my favor? Although it's never good to be the one doing all the chasing (comes off as clingy sometimes) I wouldn't be too hard on myself if I were you. It may take literally dozens of dates before one meets an individual that s/he connects with. There is a plethora of individuals that have personality and/or other unforseen "issues" that, once you get to an actual dating situation with them, may actually prove them incompatible with you. Sometimes, it just takes a LOT of "weeding out" to find Mr./Ms. right. C'est la vie! Max
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 first off how are these dates comming about. If your getting them off the internet, maybe your not as hot in person as they thought you'd be. If these are guy just asking you out after they meet you in person, then yes maybe you are doing something wrong, but you probably don't see it. So just keep trying different things and you'll be bound to discover what your doing wrong. Try to be your best self, but don't be patronizing or judgemental toward your date and try to give them a good sign your into them if thats the case. That sounds so superficial, but I do get dates from both online and from guys at school. And they know what I look like, I've posted pictures of myself online. And we've usually talk on instant messaging and over the phone. But I've not be patronzing nor judgemental, I think I've managed to come off as interested in them, and we always end the night on a good note, usually with a kiss too. Try calling the guy, instead of waiting for him to call you? That would be a change. Well I do call but when they start going silent on me, I start getting paranoid over what happened, and i may sometimes go overboard with my texts and calls. Is it cause I came off too strong? I try not to. That's one fault I see in myself, sometimes I might come off a bit strong.
BChris66 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Maybe the guys you're asking out just aren't right for you. From what you've said I see no reason why a guy wouldn't want a second date, maybe they're after a one night stand and they just aren't getting it (This is a good thing BTW) How about trying to meet someone in a different environment / social setting to the ones you are at the minute. Just don't give up though, like the saying goes, 'You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get your prince'. Good luck
Lizzie60 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Are you sure you don't have 'bad breath'... I've said it before .. this is a major turn-off.. and something people just don't want to talk about.. and unfortunately, it happens a lot.. A guy at work, he's single, cute, he's great.. I would date him if it wasn't for his breath.. it's unbelievable.. I have to back off when I talk with him. check that!.. or maybe you should ask them to be honest with you and tell you what it is they don't like..
Jilly Bean Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Well, it could be a couple of things, X. 1 - you are selecting men that are not compatible. 2 - you are coming off as desperate (and men can smell that on you!), since you admit to doing all the pursuing A few years ago, one of my gf's (a prima ballerina) met another friend of mine (hot news anchorman guy). She is a great girl, but OMG, did she come on strong! She was telling him how he should come to the ballet, how she can get him great tix, and then gave him her card. I am SURE she thought she was being friendly, but I could see him bristle. Men like the chase. Keep in mind that most successful men in the dating world are not spending their time online, or in chat forums, and they are generally the ones who say they LOVE it when a girl pursues them (they are too insecure and need the stroke, thats why). BUT, most confident men DO NOT like women who pursue and make themselves too available. I am sure if you delve further, this is really the root of your issue. Don't be so available, DON'T call them or contact them and play a little hard to get. Im not say PLAY GAMES, but, don't be overly responsive when they contact you (its ok to wait a few hours to return a call or text), dont drop plans to accommodate them, etc. Give the air that you are busy, in demand, etc.
Lizzie60 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 I have to disagree with this: Men like the chase. Keep in mind that most successful men in the dating world are not spending their time online, or in chat forums, and they are generally the ones who say they LOVE it when a girl pursues them (they are too insecure and need the stroke, thats why). BUT, most confident men DO NOT like women who pursue and make themselves too available. I know many confident, extremely good looking guys, who actually love being chased... I don't agree that you have to be insecure to like your ego stroked... even the confident hunks... love it from time to time.. there is pursue and then there is 'pursue' (desperate).. I'm sure they can tell ... WE even can tell from this site.. But I agree that most successful men are not in the online dating sites.. It's hard to say what push the guys away.. it could be a million things..
Jilly Bean Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 I know many confident, extremely good looking guys, who actually love being chased... I don't agree that you have to be insecure to like your ego stroked... even the confident hunks... love it from time to time.. Yeah - they're called PLAYERS.. lol
Kamille Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Lately I came to a realization that all of my dates/flings/relationship all had one thing in common- I was the one doing the most chasing and pleasing. My past dates with a few crushes of mine never exceeded more than ONE date. There was no prevalence of any sort of wrongdoing on my part, I think I followed all the dating rules, my behaviour was adequate, and my personality was more than out going. Yet days after those dates, the guys stop calling and I find myself obsessing over why I've been stood up. I don't think I've ever put myself out there as desperate, there was always attraction on both parts, so why is it that I find myself going from hopeless dates to hopeless dates with no end results in my favor? You personality being more then out going jumped out at me as the potential key that might explain why you're seeing a pattern emerge. Believe it or not, my dating life improved once I actually keyed down my personality. In my case I called it 'discovering the power of silence'. I was always afraid of lulls in conversations, especially on dates, and would therefore make too much of an effort to keep the conversation going. I also had a tendency to worry too much about my date's well-being : do you need a drink? Are you hungry? Once I managed to curb both these instincts, I realized men found me more intriguing. In case number one, fear of silence, what would happen is that I would end up controlling most of the conversation. I thought I was being outgoing, when really, I was making myself a boring date. Have you been in a conversation where you get bored because it seems like it doesn't matter whether or not you have something to contribute to it? Good conversations are the result of a collaboration between two people. If you are generally afraid of silence on dates, then I would suggest the following trick: give your date time to come up with his own contributions to the conversation, and his own topics. When you notice silence and feel that pang of anguish, count to 7 seconds (one one thousand two one thousand three, etc). (Smile, keep your gaze unfocused and take deep breaths as you do this). If your date hasn't said anything by then - then he might be a lame date, or you can start thinking up the next topic. Chances are though, your date will say something. If you worry too much about your date's well-being, then you might be coming off as if you're trying too hard. Your date is capable of taking care of himself, and most likely wants a chance to take care of you. Most men don't like to be babyed - especially by a woman they fancy. Rather, they want to be perceived as manly potential providers. Well, it could be a couple of things, X. 1 - you are selecting men that are not compatible. 2 - you are coming off as desperate (and men can smell that on you!), since you admit to doing all the pursuing A few years ago, one of my gf's (a prima ballerina) met another friend of mine (hot news anchorman guy). She is a great girl, but OMG, did she come on strong! She was telling him how he should come to the ballet, how she can get him great tix, and then gave him her card. I am SURE she thought she was being friendly, but I could see him bristle. Men like the chase. Keep in mind that most successful men in the dating world are not spending their time online, or in chat forums, and they are generally the ones who say they LOVE it when a girl pursues them (they are too insecure and need the stroke, thats why). BUT, most confident men DO NOT like women who pursue and make themselves too available. I am sure if you delve further, this is really the root of your issue. Don't be so available, DON'T call them or contact them and play a little hard to get. Im not say PLAY GAMES, but, don't be overly responsive when they contact you (its ok to wait a few hours to return a call or text), dont drop plans to accommodate them, etc. Give the air that you are busy, in demand, etc. Excellent posts.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 You personality being more then out going jumped out at me as the potential key that might explain why you're seeing a pattern emerge. Believe it or not, my dating life improved once I actually keyed down my personality. In my case I called it 'discovering the power of silence'. I was always afraid of lulls in conversations, especially on dates, and would therefore make too much of an effort to keep the conversation going. I also had a tendency to worry too much about my date's well-being : do you need a drink? Are you hungry? Once I managed to curb both these instincts, I realized men found me more intriguing. In case number one, fear of silence, what would happen is that I would end up controlling most of the conversation. I thought I was being outgoing, when really, I was making myself a boring date. Have you been in a conversation where you get bored because it seems like it doesn't matter whether or not you have something to contribute to it? Good conversations are the result of a collaboration between two people. If you are generally afraid of silence on dates, then I would suggest the following trick: give your date time to come up with his own contributions to the conversation, and his own topics. When you notice silence and feel that pang of anguish, count to 7 seconds (one one thousand two one thousand three, etc). (Smile, keep your gaze unfocused and take deep breaths as you do this). If your date hasn't said anything by then - then he might be a lame date, or you can start thinking up the next topic. Chances are though, your date will say something. If you worry too much about your date's well-being, then you might be coming off as if you're trying too hard. Your date is capable of taking care of himself, and most likely wants a chance to take care of you. Most men don't like to be babyed - especially by a woman they fancy. Rather, they want to be perceived as manly potential providers. I think this post strikes me the most. I never saw my personality as a problem. But then sometimes people are blind to their faults. Yet I don't think I've ever came overly hyper. Except I do have a tendency to smile and laugh more often than not. Regarding conversations, there's not alot of silence that ensues, maybe a couple of seconds, because I always find that they would ask the questions first. Usually I'm the one who goes a bit silent after answering, but then I would try to quickly come up with a topic, and they more than happily responded. In answer to the other posts, no I don't have bad breath, I always make sure I brush my teeth everyday and rinse with listerine, and I also carry a pack of tridents whenever I go. Yes, I do think I need to meet people in other places, but I'm not overly assertive with actually going up to a random guy, I mean I've done it before, but mostly its guys that asks me out. And to answer Jilly Bean, I never thought I would radiate clinginess. How would a girl about showing that she's interested yet not be clingy at the same time? On my dates, I'm sure the guy is more than aware that I'm interested. My attention is focused on them, I smile and laugh at their jokes, I flirt, yet I don't see how is that I radiate clinginess during the first date? I only become frustrated when they stop contacting me, because I thought they might expressed interest before and during the date. And yes, I don't call them until a day or two afterwards, yet by then my intuitions tell me that their interests have waned. So then I guess the problem isn't really myself to begin with, it's the ever changing interests of the opposite sex....
Jilly Bean Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 And to answer Jilly Bean, I never thought I would radiate clinginess. How would a girl about showing that she's interested yet not be clingy at the same time? On my dates, I'm sure the guy is more than aware that I'm interested. My attention is focused on them, I smile and laugh at their jokes, I flirt, yet I don't see how is that I radiate clinginess during the first date? I only become frustrated when they stop contacting me, because I thought they might expressed interest before and during the date. And yes, I don't call them until a day or two afterwards, yet by then my intuitions tell me that their interests have waned. I never said anything about radiating clinginess. What I said is that in your overly eager state, you could be perceived as being desperate. Again, I gave you an example of my ballerina friend meeting the news guy. I KNOW she thought she was being friendly and interested, and I have known him for15 years - it was pretty clear he was totally turned off to how she was behaving. I think you' be doing yourself a disservice to blame this all on the guys. Again, I find a LOT of men online are either profoundly damaged, or just out for tail, so do consider the pond you're fishing in. But, knowing how you come off here on LS, I do wonder if you *think* you are being flirty and interested, but it's coming off as being pushy and desperate. You're clearly a very strong young woman with her own opinions. I just wonder if some of your femininity is being compromised, or if you are trying too hard. If you think you make it VERY well known that you are interested, then again, I do wonder if the guys think you're coming on too strong. WDYT?
Green Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 As a man I don't like you because your already comming off as fiesty
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 As a man I don't like you because your already comming off as fiesty Oh thanks, that makes me feel so much better. I never said anything about radiating clinginess. What I said is that in your overly eager state, you could be perceived as being desperate. Again, I gave you an example of my ballerina friend meeting the news guy. I KNOW she thought she was being friendly and interested, and I have known him for15 years - it was pretty clear he was totally turned off to how she was behaving. I think you' be doing yourself a disservice to blame this all on the guys. Again, I find a LOT of men online are either profoundly damaged, or just out for tail, so do consider the pond you're fishing in. But, knowing how you come off here on LS, I do wonder if you *think* you are being flirty and interested, but it's coming off as being pushy and desperate. You're clearly a very strong young woman with her own opinions. I just wonder if some of your femininity is being compromised, or if you are trying too hard. If you think you make it VERY well known that you are interested, then again, I do wonder if the guys think you're coming on too strong. WDYT? Hmmm I think I really do need to take a step back look at how I'm projecting myself to these guys. I'm not sure if I make it VERY well known, but then I'm not sure of anything anymore. And how did your ballerina friend & the guy friend work out?
Jilly Bean Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Oh thanks, that makes me feel so much better. Hmmm I think I really do need to take a step back look at how I'm projecting myself to these guys. I'm not sure if I make it VERY well known, but then I'm not sure of anything anymore. And how did your ballerina friend & the guy friend work out? Well, I know that I have a VERY strong personality. Generally, VERY strong men have been attracted to me. Which knocks out the remainly 90% of the male population from contention - lol. As Kamille said, perhaps it will work to kick it down a notch? I know I have, and its made a ton of difference... Oh, he was so turned off, he never called her...
carhill Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Gotta any guy friends? Go out with them and just have a good time with no pressure. Get some feedback. I often did this with female friends when I was single. Do you ever go out with a guy you're not "crushing on"? If not, let a random guy ask you out, accept and see what happens. It's just one night. Maybe they might surprise you or maybe you'll get some experience not worrying about them calling you again and it'll break the cycle. Hey, I'm married...what do I know??
monkey00 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 (edited) As always when it comes down to dating I believe it's always a #'s game. You'll run into people who like you and some who don't. Some who accept your faults and flaws, and others who don't and want better. I honestly don't think you should change who you are, it wouldn't be fair to yourself or others around. It might be hard to find someone that accepts who you are, but you'll probably be happier in the long-term when you do find him. Edited March 2, 2008 by monkey00
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Well, I know that I have a VERY strong personality. Generally, VERY strong men have been attracted to me. Which knocks out the remainly 90% of the male population from contention - lol. As Kamille said, perhaps it will work to kick it down a notch? I know I have, and its made a ton of difference... Oh, he was so turned off, he never called her... I try to project myself off as being more confident than I normally am. So maybe I should tone down the happy and be a bit gloomy... lol Sorry for your friend. Gotta any guy friends? Go out with them and just have a good time with no pressure. Get some feedback. I often did this with female friends when I was single. Do you ever go out with a guy you're not "crushing on"? If not, let a random guy ask you out, accept and see what happens. It's just one night. Maybe they might surprise you or maybe you'll get some experience not worrying about them calling you again and it'll break the cycle. Hey, I'm married...what do I know?? I do go out with guy friends, but it's been firmly established that we'll never see each other as more than that. And I'm usually more comfortable around them, so we tend to goof around more than I normally would with a stranger. As always when it comes down to dating I believe it's always a #'s game. You'll run into people who like you and some who don't. Some who accept your faults and flaws, and others who don't and want better. I honestly don't think you should change who you are, it wouldn't be fair to yourself or others around. It might be hard to find someone that accepts who you are, but you'll probably be happier in the long-term when you do find him. I agree with that too. But i used to have low self esteem and body image issues. I kinda fell into that belief that guys will only like girls that are beautiful and I was forced to believe that superficiality attracts. Not that I'm superficial, but I find myself becoming those girls back in high school, the ones that go to school for the guys rather than for education itself...
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 What’s wrong with her being the way she is? I agree that she comes across a little strong and generally men do not like women who are hot on their trail, maybe she should tone that down, but she shouldn’t hide away her personality, it’s who she is, okay maybe on the first few dates she should perhaps be a bit closed and not necessarily strong in presentation, but gradually over the course of the dates she should loosen up and show off her personality and character, personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her. I admire people who are always themselves and if she is not attracting men because of this then that’s their loss and not hers, I personally admire feisty, straight talking and honest women who have a strong head on their shoulders. I’d choose Shirley Manson over most women, if I had a choice, because she is all of the above.
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