BudgieSmuggler Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Hi all, I'm going to try and condense my incredibly long story into a short form cause I'm getting desperate for some encouraging &/or brutally harsh and honest words to help me through my situation. Where to begin? Basically a girl who I'd been seeing and dating for about a year we broke up in December- to cut the long version of events short, basically when I met her, I had gotten out of 3.5 year relationship, and so we took things very slow because I actually fell head over heals for this girl, but was cautious because of how powerful my feelings were and how fresh I was out of a long term relationship. We had during that year, some periods where I intentionally distanced myself (after discussing my issues with her) so that I could have some time to be 'free' and deal with my issues - during one of these periods I actually did have a short fling with a girl who truthfully was my rebound from my last relationship, and after all that my feelings didn't change a bit - I was still head over heels for this girl who'd just appeared in my life shortly after my break up. We had ons/offs etc over this period, but basically we broke up in December because she sensed that I wasn't putting in any effort and was taking a very armchair approach to the relationship - I've come to realise this behaviour was linked to my lack of readiness for the relationship, and have learned that in order not to get hurt, I was deliberately distancing myself from her. After the break up, she did not stop contacting, wanting me back - she's confessed to me that she loved me more than she's ever loved anybody before. She told me she wanted me back and wanted to give things another try - we kept seeing each other throughout this period. Eventually she gave me NC for about 2 weeks, and in that period I re-assessed everything and actually processed the **** that I couldn't process while she was still in the background - I concluded I want her back, and that I was more ready than ever to give things a proper shot. We met for a drink, I told her, she didn't really believe me, and told me that shed started 'seeing someone'. I learnt that she had only met this guy 4 days prior to our drink, and that he has a 2 year old daughter (this girl is only 21). It became known to me that she was disappearing with them (the guy and the kid) for the weekend. I got weak and called her best friend for some sort of support (still not entirely sure why) while she was away - her best friend comforted me and said that she couldn't understand her actions, that this guy was "all wrong" for her and that she hopes things work out in my favour. I learnt that on that weekend they decided to declare themselves an item - that hurt like nothing I'd ever felt before and I had to do something - i wrote a letter to her, short and sweet, stating exactly how I felt. She called me after reading it and said:Not doing this to hurt youStill have a lot of love for youDoing my own thing right nowThink that we can work possibly in the future, but not now, can we be friends in the meantime?Trying to condense the info here... lol - since then for 2 weeks she contacted me every day for one reason or another. She went to one of my friends parties and brought a girlfriend with her - she flirted with me ridiculously and said she missed my family / my parents, asked me how the house renovations were going and said that she wanted to come and see them sometime soon- "How's tuesday?" she says. She came over that tuesday, was all plutonic and whatever, then left and I didn't hear from her for about 1.5 weeks. Valentines day came and I made her a card that reflected a card she'd given me a year prior - I dropped it in her letterbox and she didn't respond, until Sunday (4 days after V.Day) when I had a weak moment again and tried to call her best friend again - she messaged me somewhat angry just asking me to 'leave her alone'. 4 Days after that message she called me while I was at work, apologised for her actions, told me that she didn't mean to get my hopes up with the way she'd been flirting with me, told me that she still "has love for me" and is confused, asked if we could just aim at this stage for a friendship and see where things go. She was crying throughout this conversation and even confessed that the other guy she was seeing had been reasonably comfortable about her wanting to catch up with me, but that he probably wouldn't be so happy if he knew she was crying about us. That night she calls me and asks if I'm going to the pub - incidentally I was, and she said "great cya there"- she was flirty with me again at the pub even dropping one liners like "haha... I'm so coming back to you" at one point in the conversation - she left and said we'd catch up really soon. This was 10 days ago, on a thursday evening. Monday afternoon I called her and we had a good 5-10 minute general catch up chat - I asked her what she was doing Tuesday night, she told me she was working till 9pm. I said 'there goes that idea', and she asked me what I was thinking - I said "i was going to ask if you want to see a movie, but maybe some other time hey?". Her response was: "Well I'm sure there'll be something on for us to see after 9pm... Besides, if theres not, there's always Wed or Thurs night - I'm free then too." Shortly after that conversation, we agreed on a time / place to meet on Tuesday night for some movie. At 9:30pm I got a text message from her saying she wouldn't be able to make it. I called her and asked what had happened and she got very awkward "umm..." I told her she'd said enough and that I was going to let her be. She sent me another txt shortly thereafter saying that she didn't want to put the other guy in a difficult position make him feel uncomfortable etc. etc.... and that was that last contact I had with her. So here I am, sitting on 10 days of no contact with a very long (and messy) story but the truth is I don't know what to do. Her friends who've met "other guy" tell me that he's boring etc, and not what she would normally go for, her best friend assures me it has rebound written all over it, but I just don't get it. Thoughts/opinions are welcome.
Queequeg Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Hey, I'm probably not in the best position to give you advice since I've just been dumped 3 days ago, but I will restate what I think others would have to say about your situation. Stop sending her letters, cards, telling her how much you miss her, etc. That will only hurt you in the end. You may think you're making up for being distant, but now she has you wrapped around her little finger. Not only does she have her new boyfriend, she also has you waiting around for whenever she feels like 'catching up'. Don't let her lead you on! What you need to understand is, she has this new guy now. It's quite possible that she has moved on. Her friends might tell you he's not right for her, but that's not up to them. She's an adult, and she makes her own decisions. Do you really want to be just friends with her? If not, then you need to commit to NC, and work on your own life. I know it hurts, and it sucks, but it is the right way to go. Let her miss you! Let her wonder what you're doing. Don't pick up/answer the phone, don't email her. If she does get a hold of you, make it brief, and don't show her any weakness! Log on here, post, and read stories, should you feel the urge. Take the focus of your life from getting back together with her, to improving yourself. You didn't have much time imbetween your relationship prior to this one, so you could probably use the space to heal. It sounds to me like you were still in recovery when you met her, since you were distancing yourself. You just weren't ready to trust someone again. Do you think you are now after what's happened? You need to think about this. It's not up to you what she decides to do in the end, but if you're on your way to personal growth and recovery it may not matter to you anymore. I know that all seems very idealistic right now, it even does to me right now! But logically, it makes the most sense. My thought for my own break up situation is this; he can either have me as a SO, or nothing at all. I know that if I continue to talk to him, it will just give me false hope of reconciliation, while he runs around with the first girl to give him a little attention while we were having a rough time. I don't know if he'll come back or not, but I do know that I need to improve my situation in life regardless. There are tons of great posts on this one, and the Coping forum. I should know, I spent just about the entire day reading them instead of obsessing over him, haha. -Queequeg
Author BudgieSmuggler Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 (edited) Stop sending her letters, cards, telling her how much you miss her, etc. That will only hurt you in the end. You may think you're making up for being distant, but now she has you wrapped around her little finger. Not only does she have her new boyfriend, she also has you waiting around for whenever she feels like 'catching up'. Don't let her lead you on! Agreed - this point I have come to realise - it's easier said than done though unfortunately, I'm sure you can appreciate that. I like to imagine that she's having difficulty not contacting me, but honestly I don't know if it's true. What you need to understand is, she has this new guy now. It's quite possible that she has moved on. Her friends might tell you he's not right for her, but that's not up to them. She's an adult, and she makes her own decisions. Once again, agreed, yet it just plain doesn't smell right. Call me cautiously optimistic if you like... At her age, knowing her plans / ambitions, I find it completely out of character for her to date anyone who has a child- having said that, she loves children, but always said "It's so great to give them back at the end of the day". I am also of the belief / impression that people who have truly moved on don't cry on the phone to their ex wondering about what "could have been", what "could be", and what "might be" some day soon- she said to me that she knows one thing more than anything throughout her confusion, and that is that if things are to work out between us, she needs time to get over the issues that originally arose between us, so that we could potentially start with a clean slate. She also added that if she hadn't met this other guy, then without a doubt she'd be looking to rebuild things with me, but that having said that, he was treating her the way she deserved to be treated and she couldn't ignore that. She acknowledged that she had never loved anybody as much as she loved me and that she couldn't just turn that off. Do you really want to be just friends with her? If not, then you need to commit to NC, and work on your own life. I know it hurts, and it sucks, but it is the right way to go. Let her miss you! Let her wonder what you're doing. Don't pick up/answer the phone, don't email her. If she does get a hold of you, make it brief, and don't show her any weakness! Log on here, post, and read stories, should you feel the urge. Not sure if I can handle being "just friends" - we've tried that a couple of times before and we both couldn't hold true to it for very long... I've given myself a timeline for my own sanity - 1 month from today if I see no positive shift I'm going to have to cut things off. I realise I can't expect her to come running back to me in this timeframe, but at the very minimum if she is thinking about giving things a try with me, I should at least have some positive signs that this is the case. If the situation remains as is, or gets any worse, I'll let her know how I feel and that it simply hurts too much coming second best and that if that's not going to change I need to move on. Take the focus of your life from getting back together with her, to improving yourself. You didn't have much time imbetween your relationship prior to this one, so you could probably use the space to heal. It sounds to me like you were still in recovery when you met her, since you were distancing yourself. You just weren't ready to trust someone again. Do you think you are now after what's happened? You need to think about this. That's ultimately what dragged us down- I felt a little pressured from her to 'leap in' a little faster than I would have liked, and I can understand that from what she was thinking at the time. On a positive note, a mutual friend of ours told me that after speaking to me that Thursday on the phone (acknowledging the v.day card etc.) she wouldn't shutup about it all afternoon - she kept going "I can't believe he made that card for me... Wow" etc. (I designed it in photoshop and I had it professionally printed so it looked very legit ) It's not up to you what she decides to do in the end, but if you're on your way to personal growth and recovery it may not matter to you anymore. I know that all seems very idealistic right now, it even does to me right now! But logically, it makes the most sense. In some respects that worries me - that somebody I care about so much can just fade into nothingness... I suppose my viewpoint at the moment is slightly skewed as I'm in a position where I want answers that she simply can't give me. Would you say that it's obvious that she's at least confused? Do you think that I'm still in her thoughts at any level? I like to hope so, but sometimes in my weaker hours I fear that she simply doesn't care. EDIT: I neglected to mention, as far as I'm concerned, when I called her last Monday and asked her to go the movies, I gave her an EASY way out "Oh well... there goes that idea" - if she'd wanted to let me down gently, all she needed to say was "Maybe another time." Instead, her impulse response was to say "Yeah, and if not tomorrow I'm free Wednesday or Thursday." Am I foolish to see this and not think that it indicates clear mutual desire to catch up? I.e. that she was equally eager to see me? In my experience, if someone wants to avoid you, or has little interest in catching up, they'll generally do the gentle let down "Hmm.. let me see when I'm free" or something similar - not tell you their availability for the remainder of the week. Anyways mindless dribble - it's 1:15am but I'd like to know if I'm at least right on this point. Edited March 2, 2008 by BudgieSmuggler
Author BudgieSmuggler Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 (edited) Any further input from anyone? I'm having a weak moment here... fingers hovering over the phone... Ok that moment's passed now but I really am interested in getting some opinions from anyone who can be bothered reading. EDIT: Decided this belongs in the second chances forum, not here... Edited March 3, 2008 by BudgieSmuggler
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