I didn't want to know, but now I do... so?

[xaneurysmx]

I'm a 28-year-old female, and I've been dating this guy who's 29 for about three months now. It's been slow-going, which is okay with me, because I don't want to rush what I hope is a good thing. I have a messed up schedule, so it kind of gets in the way, but we talk at least a few days during the week and see each other on weekends, and I feel that he's made effort to work around my schedule. I really like him and we have done a lot of things, but we have yet to connect on any deeper level. He is pretty quiet. I know he hasn't had a girlfriend in 4 years, and that for him to get into a relationship would be a big deal and slow-going, but I think he is worth it, plus I'm having fun dating and getting to know him.

 

Well, about a month ago, we hung out with some friends of his, and I really connected with this girl there. I hadn't heard from her since then, but the other day she called and we went out. We had a lot of fun, but at one point she asked how I knew the guys we were with the night I met her. I told her that I was dating the one, and when she finally figured out who (she didn't know him by name, so I know she doesn't know him well), her face nearly fell. It wasn't good. "You're dating HIM?" I thought that was kind of obvious the night I met her, but whatever.

 

She said something along the lines of, "Oh, you like him so much. I love you for that.... he is such an ***hole." She called him an ***hole twice, saying that he wasn't boyfriend material and that he tried to f*** her three weeks ago. At first I wanted to get more info from her, but then she realized what she had said and started to try to cover it up a bit.

 

I let it go, saying he wasn't my boyfriend, that we were just dating, and then we dropped it altogether. I decided that rather then press her for info, I would just go to him about it. I think that's the mature thing to do, and it's how I would want him to handle it.

 

I don't want what one drunk girl who barely knows him says to mess with what I think we have got going for us. I almost wish I just didn't know. It's much too soon in our "getting to know one another" to establish a committed relationship, and honestly, messing around on someone within the first few months of dating doesn't seem THAT horrible to me, if it turns out to be true. But it does speak of his character and shows that perhaps he's not really all that into me, because I like him enough that I wouldn't do that.

 

I'm going to bring it up, because we are sleeping together and I have the right to know if I'm not the only one he's active with (especially since we've recently talked about my going on birth control), but I don't want him to feel pressured into a commitment he isn't ready for, so I'm a little nervous on how to bring it up and what to say...

[xpaperxcutx]

Red flag.

You're dating him for three months now, and you're not officially boyfriend/girlfriend. That gives him an opening to date other people then.

So really, would that make you guys FWB seeing as you're both sleeping together?

I think you need to talk to him about it. Especially if he's telling you to go on the pill.

[Jilly Bean]

Here's the real problem.

 

You are sleeping with someone and you are NOT even in an exclusive relationship (he's not even your BF!), yet you are considering no longer practicing safe sex? Does this sound smart to you? Because if you were one of my GF's, I'd slap you silly!

 

Sounds like he treats you like a FB, and I'd bet good money that what your new GF said was all true.

[xaneurysmx]

I'm confident that we've got more than just the friends with benefits thing.

 

We've had conversations about loyalty and the type of person we are looking for and established that it was one another. I thought things were going well. But even so, we are still just getting to know one another and haven't officially stated to being in a committed relationship.

 

If this girl knows something about his past, I wouldn't hold that against him. However if he's currently messing around, then he's not being genuine, even if we haven't quite promised to commitment. So I guess I just need to figure out how I want to bring this up, and see what he has to say for himself.

 

But thank you for the advice. It's good to see what others think. More is certainly appreciated.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm confident that we've got more than just the friends with benefits thing.

 

We've had conversations about loyalty and the type of person we are looking for and established that it was one another. I thought things were going well. But even so, we are still just getting to know one another and haven't officially stated to being in a committed relationship.

 

If this girl knows something about his past, I wouldn't hold that against him. However if he's currently messing around, then he's not being genuine, even if we haven't quite promised to commitment. So I guess I just need to figure out how I want to bring this up, and see what he has to say for himself.

 

But thank you for the advice. It's good to see what others think. More is certainly appreciated.

 

Casual dating, sex, and talking about loyalty does not in any way equate commitment. There is no established boundary that have been set, so don't expect the girl's accusations are false. Be frank with the guy. You don't own him any obligations to spare his feelings. This situation concerns the BOTH of you, and you're entitled to an answer.

[RecordProducer]

She said something along the lines of, "Oh, you like him so much. I love you for that.... he is such an ***hole." She called him an ***hole twice, saying that he wasn't boyfriend material and that he tried to f*** her three weeks ago. At first I wanted to get more info from her, but then she realized what she had said and started to try to cover it up a bit.

This is really weird. I am pretty sure that she is lying. First she doesn't know his name, she doesn't know whom you're dating (and you said that it was obvious on the night you met), then she tells you that he tried to F her and calls him an ass hole. I am also suspicious about her calling you and inviting you out. It totally sounds to me like she planned it all just to break you up. If he really hit on her, she most likely wouldn't have told you. I've been hit on many times by other women's partners and never told them (which doesn't mean she wouldn't).

 

Something is fishy. Don't trust her. And what does it mean he tried to F her? You can only say that somebody tried to F you if you're already naked. I think that's what she wanted you to think! Whatever the reason, she is attempting to break you up and she has planned it all along.

 

About how to bring it to the BF... tell him that you went out with her and watch his reaction. Then tell him what she said. You do have a right to know. Forget the rules of exclusivity, if you feel uncomfortable sharing somebody's body with another woman, it's your prerogative to avoid it. You can't force him to be loyal, but you can get out of the relationship if you feel that something is wrong. I personally don't take that non-exclusivity crap. No one can force me to compete for him and wait until he makes up his mind. I can tolerate a non-exclusive relationship only if it implies "We are not serious yet to talk about kids and meet the parents, but we don't have sex with others either."

Edited March 2, 2008 by RecordProducer

[xaneurysmx]

And what does it mean he tried to F her? You can only say that somebody tried to F you if you're already naked. I think that's what she wanted you to think!

 

I thought that was very strange as well.

 

I'm anxious to see what he says when I bring it up, which I'm seeing him tomorrow. I think the most disappointing thing is that I have to admit to myself that he is just not as into me as I would like to think, because if that were the case, this wouldn't be happening.

[Kamille]

I think you don't need advice as it sounds from that first post like yours is the best one so far. Bring it up with him and take it from there.

 

As for the fear of appearing to be pushing a commitment onto him, my reaction is : impossible. He's a grown man, he knows what he wants and what he needs so he should be able to listen to your concerns about what you heard without feeling like you're trying to pressure him into anything.

 

You're doing the mature thing by bringing it up with him, so I assume he is capable of returning your maturity in kind. If not, better to find out now.

[D-Lish]

She doesn't know him well enough to recite his name, but she knows him well enough to know he's an a$$-h*le? I don't know, it does sound strange.

 

Are you sure she didn't have a thing for him?

 

You've known this guy for 3 months, yet only spent two drunken evenings with this one girl. I wouldn't take her word as absolute truth without knowing her better. I've known some pretty sketchy, manipulative girls in my day..... And it's not always something you see in them right away.

 

I'm not saying she's lying- only that you don't even know her at all. If you like this guy, and you've been seeing him for 3 months, I'd say it's worth giving him the benifit of the doubt.

 

Girls can be ruthless sometimes.

[dreamergrl]

I'd have to agree with D-lish and RecordProducer. I would think if this guy was trying to hook up with other girl's, he'd keep you apart from them. Why bring you around the girl's he's supposedly trying to get with?

 

Also if she doesn't know him by name, is it possible she's confusing him with someone else that was there that night? Maybe it's an all around miscommunication.

[xaneurysmx]

This sounds weird, but she actually had a bunch of pictures on her fridge and he was in one. How she didn't know him by name I don't know. She may know him by an old nickname, which I didn't think of at the time.

 

Tonight I'm going out with him, and I'm definitely going to ask about exclusivity, but I'm considering not bringing her or that incident up. I don't know...

[RecordProducer]

This sounds weird, but she actually had a bunch of pictures on her fridge and he was in one. How she didn't know him by name I don't know. She may know him by an old nickname, which I didn't think of at the time.

 

Tonight I'm going out with him, and I'm definitely going to ask about exclusivity, but I'm considering not bringing her or that incident up. I don't know...

I have pictures where people whose names I don't know are captured. What kind of pictures and from when? There's a difference between him being accidentally captured at a party, and a whole-day sailing adventure for five people where your BF was one of the guys.

 

I don't think it's healthy for a relationship to start with doubts like this. I think sooner or later, you have to ask him about this girl, not necessarily make drama out of it. Why do you think he is not that into you? Is it because of what this girl told you or because he doesn't act like he is into you altogether?

[xaneurysmx]

You know, it's just my own insecurities. I tend to worry a lot about everything, and since he went out of town the day after I found this out, I had all weekend to make stuff up in my head, but the weird thing is, I did it much less than I thought I would or normally would. The truth is, he does a lot of things that have made me feel very good about us.

 

As it turns out, in case you're curious, and call me a sucker if ya want, but I don't have a doubt, he has been genuine. We thought for a minute why she might say what she did, and it dawned on him. The last time he saw her was at a party he had gone to with some friends. After leaving the party, he and his two friends went into a nearby bar, and when they walked in, saw that she and her friends were coincidentally there as well (he had actually told me this before because he knew that she and I had exchanged numbers). When they saw her, he jokingly went up to her from behind while she was dancing and put his arms around her to surprise scare her, but he said she was really drunk and ended up surprising him by hugging him back without even turning around to see who it was. Lol. He also said she has a thing going on with one of his friends he was with (so there was obviously no serious intent). Luckily, too, I only told him that she'd said he tried her F her, leaving out the part about her calling him an a-hole twice, so now I don't have to feel like I'm causing unnecessary awkwardness.

 

Anyway, we established that we haven't been and aren't sleeping with other people, and I think this experience actually kind of brought us a bit closer.

 

It was also cute that he seemed pretty happy to see me after being away this weekend and took me to a really nice restaurant, and this was before I brought it up.

 

Thank you all for the advice. It's weird, 'cause I've never joined an advice forum. I like the anonymity, but at the same time, now I feel like we should all be friends and go grab a drink!

[Kamille]

You know, it's just my own insecurities. I tend to worry a lot about everything, and since he went out of town the day after I found this out, I had all weekend to make stuff up in my head, but the weird thing is, I did it much less than I thought I would or normally would. The truth is, he does a lot of things that have made me feel very good about us.

 

As it turns out, in case you're curious, and call me a sucker if ya want, but I don't have a doubt, he has been genuine. We thought for a minute why she might say what she did, and it dawned on him. The last time he saw her was at a party he had gone to with some friends. After leaving the party, he and his two friends went into a nearby bar, and when they walked in, saw that she and her friends were coincidentally there as well (he had actually told me this before because he knew that she and I had exchanged numbers). When they saw her, he jokingly went up to her from behind while she was dancing and put his arms around her to surprise scare her, but he said she was really drunk and ended up surprising him by hugging him back without even turning around to see who it was. Lol. He also said she has a thing going on with one of his friends he was with (so there was obviously no serious intent). Luckily, too, I only told him that she'd said he tried her F her, leaving out the part about her calling him an a-hole twice, so now I don't have to feel like I'm causing unnecessary awkwardness.

 

Anyway, we established that we haven't been and aren't sleeping with other people, and I think this experience actually kind of brought us a bit closer.

 

It was also cute that he seemed pretty happy to see me after being away this weekend and took me to a really nice restaurant, and this was before I brought it up.

 

Thank you all for the advice. It's weird, 'cause I've never joined an advice forum. I like the anonymity, but at the same time, now I feel like we should all be friends and go grab a drink!

 

I want to go grab a drink in California. Too bad my teleporter is out of commission.

 

I'm really thrilled for you. It sounds like a very healthy mature conversation. I love happy LS moments.

[RecordProducer]

I only told him that she'd said he tried her F her

And how did he react to this? He just told you what happened at the bar?

 

Anyway, we established that we haven't been and aren't sleeping with other people, Very good.

 

It was also cute that he seemed pretty happy to see me after being away this weekend and took me to a really nice restaurant, and this was before I brought it up.

 

now I feel like we should all be friends and go grab a drink!

Me too, but this is the closer that most of us will get.

[xaneurysmx]

And how did he react to this? He just told you what happened at the bar?

 

Oh, I totally did what you said. First I said that I had gone out with (we'll call her) Drunkgirl a few nights ago. I paused... no reaction. He didn't know who I was referring to by (her popular) name. I clarified that it's YOUR friend Drunkgirl, and he basically had an "Oh, cool" reaction. Then I said what she'd told me. I can often tell from body language and demeanor when somebody is lying or uncomfortable. I don't remember his exact initial words, but he just honestly seemed confused and said it wasn't true. Then we questioned her words and why she would say that until he figured it out. It turns out, she is more his friend's friend and he doesn't know her all that well, but said that he had actually thought it would be cool if she and I became friends when we exchanged numbers. It really wouldn't make sense for him to be trying to really get on her if she's got a thing with his friend and he knew that she and I were becoming friends, so I sum it up to a drunken dramatic misunderstanding on her part, and that's that. I don't know her well enough to really care about her motive at this point. He seemed very sincere, and we had a good talk and a great time yesterday, so I'm happy.

 

 

Me too, but this is the closer that most of us will get.

 

Aww, but cheers to you guys just the same!

[NuTuDating]

She's lying because she wants what you have. Next!

[RecordProducer]

Oh, I totally did what you said. First I said that I had gone out with (we'll call her) Drunkgirl a few nights ago. I paused... no reaction. He didn't know who I was referring to by (her popular) name. I clarified that it's YOUR friend Drunkgirl, and he basically had an "Oh, cool" reaction. Then I said what she'd told me. I can often tell from body language and demeanor when somebody is lying or uncomfortable. I don't remember his exact initial words, but he just honestly seemed confused and said it wasn't true. Then we questioned her words and why she would say that until he figured it out. It turns out, she is more his friend's friend and he doesn't know her all that well, but said that he had actually thought it would be cool if she and I became friends when we exchanged numbers. It really wouldn't make sense for him to be trying to really get on her if she's got a thing with his friend and he knew that she and I were becoming friends, so I sum it up to a drunken dramatic misunderstanding on her part, and that's that. I don't know her well enough to really care about her motive at this point. He seemed very sincere, and we had a good talk and a great time yesterday, so I'm happy.

Sounds good enough. I am also very intuitive like you about body language and other signs.

 

I don't see why you would want this girl to be your friend. I'd stay away from her if I were you. She is bad news. Don't forget that she called your BF an ass hole and said he wanted to F her. How can you be friends with this person? Especially since your BF knows that she accused him of that one thing (even though he doesn't know about the other). If my BF of three months befriended someone who stood up against me, I would resent him for that. It will also leave an impression that you have very low criteria for friends (it even left that impressing on me, but I am not important in your life), although I attribute it to your excessive tolerance and naiveté. Be civil to her, but don't forget that people judge you by your friends, too. If you're friends with a scumbag like that girl, he might thin that you approve of intrigues and gossip and don't care about him one bit.

 

Not to mention that she might try to do some sh*t to you later down the road again. Her foul mouth would be another reason why i wouldn't befriend this trashy person, but I don't know your level of tolerance in that department. In my book, it's OK to use the F word with people who are very close to you or on Internet forums, but not on a first meeting with a person you barely know. It seems like you don't have enough friends and trust me, I know how it feels. I am new to the US and it's hard without friends, but collecting trash in your circle of friends only brings trouble. You become vulnerable because you open up to people who might use it against you. Just my two cents.

[xaneurysmx]

Sounds good enough. I am also very intuitive like you about body language and other signs.

 

I don't see why you would want this girl to be your friend. I'd stay away from her if I were you. She is bad news. Don't forget that she called your BF an ass hole and said he wanted to F her. How can you be friends with this person? Especially since your BF knows that she accused him of that one thing (even though he doesn't know about the other). If my BF of three months befriended someone who stood up against me, I would resent him for that. It will also leave an impression that you have very low criteria for friends (it even left that impressing on me, but I am not important in your life), although I attribute it to your excessive tolerance and naiveté. Be civil to her, but don't forget that people judge you by your friends, too. If you're friends with a scumbag like that girl, he might thin that you approve of intrigues and gossip and don't care about him one bit.

 

Not to mention that she might try to do some sh*t to you later down the road again. Her foul mouth would be another reason why i wouldn't befriend this trashy person, but I don't know your level of tolerance in that department. In my book, it's OK to use the F word with people who are very close to you or on Internet forums, but not on a first meeting with a person you barely know. It seems like you don't have enough friends and trust me, I know how it feels. I am new to the US and it's hard without friends, but collecting trash in your circle of friends only brings trouble. You become vulnerable because you open up to people who might use it against you. Just my two cents.

 

It is true that I'm relatively new to the area and don't have many friends (but I do have a couple, and they are good ones). I'm sure that was part of the reason he had initially thought she and I could be friends. He did say that the few times he met her, her friends were pretty rude, and SHE could use some nice friends.

 

What I meant about not caring about her motives is that she is unimportant to me. Since I know she is friends with his best friend, I am going to drop the issue, and as you said, be civil to her should we all go out again. However, I definitely won't be calling her to go out to lunch and talk about boy problems, that's for sure! She put me through a great deal of grief. Even if she had no malicious intent, I don't need that kind of drama.

 

And you're right that I certainly would not want him to think I didn't care for him were I too forgiving of her. He didn't express too much of how he feels toward her at this point, but we both agreed that the way she went about all that just seemed a little, may I say, "F'ed"?

[D-Lish]

Yeah, I def wouldn't trust her!

I think it's good to just keep her at arm's length. If I met a new friend I wouldn't tell her that her bf tried to f*** me!!

That's just not something someone would say unless they were trying to cause trouble...

[xaneurysmx]

Yeah, I def wouldn't trust her!

I think it's good to just keep her at arm's length. If I met a new friend I wouldn't tell her that her bf tried to f*** me!!

That's just not something someone would say unless they were trying to cause trouble...

 

Yeah, if I don't find out her motives, I will consider that a blessing, because then it means I don't have to get to further get to know her. Haha, you guys are making me hate her. Now I want to call my poor and make sure he isn't seriously upset that I even had to ask him about all of this! Though, I think we expressed how much we care for one another yesterday and that is all I really care about in all of this anyway.

 

Thanks again, guys. I feel guilty about bumping this post above others' who still need advice, so I'm gonna thank you all again and let this one to rest. Take care!

[RecordProducer]

her friends were pretty rude, and SHE could use some nice friends.

 

she is friends with his best friend

Well, we concluded that she isn't nice herself and her friends are not nice either. I wonder if your BF's best friend is nice if he befriends people like Drunkegirl and other rude folks - which leads me to the question: is your BF really nice? You seem like a very decent and proper person to me (but I might be wrong! )

 

Now I want to call my poor and make sure he isn't seriously upset that I even had to ask him about all of this!

Don't be so naive, X. I don't want to think of you as one of those women who get walked on all over and yet apologize for even asking their "poor" beaus a question.