OfTheGood Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Hey all, an UPDATE.... I was having coffee last night with my sister in law and we were discussing the situation with my ex and I. After telling her the story and giving her the most recent updates, the phone rings....it's HER! I sit there with what I'm sure was a stupid look on my face, and I do not answer the phone. I was so happy to see that she left a massage. After a month of not calling, texting, or emailing her one iota of anything, she calls. She leaves a message that goes something like this: "Hey...its ______. Just wanted to say hello and see whats going on. Ummm just wanting to see whats new....and ummm...how you been..." The message was like 20 seconds long, and there were alot of stammering and "ummms". It was kind of funny. I've got be honest, It has been so long since I heard from her-almost kind of forgot how her voice sounded. It made me feel really, really good to hear from her-and the weird thing is, I was contemplating reaching out the very next day to see what was up-with her. My sister and law and I were floored as we were talking 5 minutes ago about how I should handle reaching out to her. Opinions?
tonyeltiger Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Man I wish that would happen to me! People may jump all over me for this, but if you love her, you should return her call. DO NOT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP. If she does, go from there, but other than that, just keep it casual and more about her. I would try to keep it short and sweet, get the update in no more than 10min, and then say you have to go. This will let her know that you are not just on a string. The less you say about yourself, the better the chances that she will call again or set up a date to find out what she wants. Don't get your hopes up, she could just be missing a friend. And if you find that that is the case and you cannot be just friends, go NC once more. I am rooting for you man. And PLEASE keep us updated. It's not often that something this juicey comes up Remember, you don't need her! You've improved yourself since she left. BTW, how long was the NC before she called?
tonyeltiger Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 oh just reread, one month of NC sorry bout that
tonyeltiger Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Also, did you ever find out if she was dating someone? Just interested because that's my situation.
Author OfTheGood Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 (edited) THANKS FOR RESPONDING!!!!! I thought it best to wait to return her call, since it wasn't an emergency-at least a little while. The next day at around the same time, I called her and got HER voice mail this time. Now I was feeling a bit of the nerves (funny how that works), but I was cool when I left my message: "Hey, its me-I saw you called just returning your call. Talk to you later." --Not too many "Ummmms" The next time she calls, I'll definitely pick up-however I will NOT ring up the relationship, and I will NOT ask her for a date. I've got my plan, and the timer for ten minutes begins when I say hello! You brought up a good point. I am NOT on a string, and I have done well for myself during the past month. I cannot be friends with this girl, due to my feelings-so NC isn't a big problem for me other than the missing her. The missing her is where the renewed contact came into play. I'd rather her not be around and for me to miss all those negative feelings such as jealousy, than to have her as a "friend" and to get drug through the emotional turmoil mudpit. I am not boosting my ego, but this was a BIG deal for her to do this. She isn't the most aggressive person, especially for something like this. Our relationship was a big deal to her at one point in time, and I am extremely excited, however I am waiting for the next move. Check. Edited March 2, 2008 by OfTheGood
Author OfTheGood Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 ...no I did not find out if she was dating or not. That wasn't really my concern. I mean don't get me wrong, it would SUCK complete ASS, however the point is-shes not with ME, dating or not dating someone else. I think in this case, being left in the dark is a good thing. We can focus and begin the recovery process-which DOES happen. I think of her every day, and my chest hurts sometimes still....but I am a firm believer in that time gives you the answers. It will with you as well.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 i can sense the awkwardness the call has brought out in you, hopefully you won't make it into such a huge issue as to overanalyze things. I'm pretty sure she's calling you cause she misses you, but it does not in any way necessary that she will want to pursue anything. She just checking up on you as a FRIEND. I hope you can accept that.
Curmudgeon Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 THANKS FOR RESPONDING!!!!! I thought it best to wait to return her call, since it wasn't an emergency-at least a little while. The next day at around the same time, I called her and got HER voice mail this time. Now I was feeling a bit of the nerves (funny how that works), but I was cool when I left my message: "Hey, its me-I saw you called just returning your call. Talk to you later." --Not too many "Ummmms" The next time she calls, I'll definitely pick up-however I will NOT ring up the relationship, and I will NOT ask her for a date. I've got my plan, and the timer for ten minutes begins when I say hello! You brought up a good point. I am NOT on a string, and I have done well for myself during the past month. I cannot be friends with this girl, due to my feelings-so NC isn't a big problem for me other than the missing her. The missing her is where the renewed contact came into play. I'd rather her not be around and for me to miss all those negative feelings such as jealousy, than to have her as a "friend" and to get drug through the emotional turmoil mudpit. I am not boosting my ego, but this was a BIG deal for her to do this. She isn't the most aggressive person, especially for something like this. Our relationship was a big deal to her at one point in time, and I am extremely excited, however I am waiting for the next move. Check. In the early stages I think we're all on a string. But in time it frays and breaks and we begin to go about our own lives. Sometimes we might even use it to reel them back in and renew what was good in the beginning with them. Don't let pride stand in the way of happiness!
Author OfTheGood Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Thanks for responding! I agree with your post. However a friend is not what I am looking for in this instance. And I won't let pride get in the way of happiness. I fully intend to speak with her, and to try to help re-ignite the spark we once had. It just feels like its a fine line I'm trying to walk; wanting to open up to her and yet at the same time not being "that" ex who calls constantly and who is overall bothersome. I know a "feeling" isn't enough, but I've got a good one-for the first time in a long time. It's good stuff. Everything just feels so sensitive right now.
RecordProducer Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 I thought it best to wait to return her call, since it wasn't an emergency-at least a little while. No! This would look like a planned strategy. Return the call immediately without showing too much interest. Just call and say "Here I am returning your call.How are you?" Make it sound like a polite "what do you want?" - the same way as you would call your accountant (or uncle) after he left a message: you're not thrilled to speak with him, you just want to see why he called and you're politely returning the call. That's what a man who doesn't care about his ex do! Not returning the call at all is rude and sends the message "I am angry and hurt because I love you, so I am not calling you." Since you have to call her, get it over with and do it now. If you were a woman, I would tell you NOT to call the guy at all, but you're a gentleman and should call. My ex-husband dumped me and yet every time I left a message, he called me. This never meant that he loved me still; he was just being civil.
Author OfTheGood Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Hello! Thanks! I...did return the call but I got her voice mail. I am waiting for her to return mine, now. Waiting for the next move.
RecordProducer Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Hello! Thanks! I...did return the call but I got her voice mail. I am waiting for her to return mine, now. Waiting for the next move. Good. What did you say?
Curmudgeon Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Good. What did you say? "...now that I've seen Record Producer I'm no longer interested in whether you return my call or not."
RecordProducer Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 "...now that I've seen Record Producer I'm no longer interested in whether you return my call or not." Awwww, you loverboy, you made me laugh! Kiss.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 I think you did just fine. Since you seem to be interested in talking to her, I hope she calls back soon. In the event she doesn't, don't be too disappointed. She may have had a moment of weakness followed by days of clear resolve. I know I've been there. Hope it works out the way you want!
Mary3 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Why do people seem to think NC is a certain strategy to getting the X to call you ? Its not for the X , its for YOU to heal.
RecordProducer Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 (edited) Why do people seem to think NC is a certain strategy to getting the X to call you ? Its not for the X , its for YOU to heal. Oh... crap. I was kinda counting on that when split with hubby. Still, it might work, huh? Edited March 2, 2008 by RecordProducer
Author OfTheGood Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 DROPDEADLEGS- Yes, thanks for the words of encouragement. I THINK I did allright. We all tend to second guess ourselves when it comes to matter of the heart. I know I did when I got off the phone. I'm hoping that this isn't just a moment of weakness as you stated. I've been there too, and its a terrible feeling. I wish I could say this wasn't the case...but maybe it was. All I know is that we had a "big" talk a few weeks after we split, and I told her all my feelings-and what I wanted, including a commitment. That's why this is a big deal; she knows what's on the line.
Author OfTheGood Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Mary3- I agree with you, NC is not a strategy. Where I believe it is the ONLY thing you can pro actively do when you split with someone to make them question their OWN motives, the primary reason for NC is to take the initiative and begin the healing on your own. I have to admit that calling her, and hearing her voice...bothered me. I can tell it had the same effect on her when she called me. I don't know what all this means, but I've got to tell you-it made some waves here.
Author OfTheGood Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 RecordProducer- Yeah, you cant RELY on NC as a strategy. Hell, I'm not sure there is a strategy to use. When there is a break, all bets are off. People see other people, people move on with their lives, and sometimes they come back-if they deem it worthy (for whatever reason) to. You have to take everything positive from your situation that you can; now you have some doors that have opened. As a single person, you are the captain of your own ship-with the ability to steer that ship in any direction YOU choose. You can go to school, get a new job, reconnect with old friends, the list goes on and on. The only thing you can rely on is YOU. Well that and if we lived in the same town, I'd take YOU out for a cup of coffee!
LOVE DAISIES Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Hey OTG.... I think it's pretty common for an ex to come sniffing around at about the one month period of NC. I think this is when it is even MORE important to guard your heart. I am not being negative....but there is a chance she was just feeling lonley at THAT particular time. Feelings are so fluid.They ebb and flow.It doesn't shock me at all that she called you, just try to keep her at arms length and remain emotionally aloof for now. Just in case her intentions are not sincere. I DO hope this will turn into a positive outcome for you!!! And good job on the NC.I know it's SO hard!
iwish Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Hey OTG, i am very jealous of your situation.. i mean i managed no contact for three days before i cracked and made contact.. now i'm back to day 1 again.. i hope that in a month my ex contacts me.. i mean not to build your hopes up, but she made the effort to call you.. it proves she's been thinking about you.. that's nice.. also you are a stronger person now.. please keep us updated as to how it goes..
RecordProducer Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 I agree with you, NC is not a strategy. Where I believe it is the ONLY thing you can pro actively do when you split with someone to make them question their OWN motives, the primary reason for NC is to take the initiative and begin the healing on your own. That's true, but when you're dumped, the only comforting thing is the little hope that you might get back together. As time goes by, you start healing and feeling better about the breakup. You get used to your new life without the ex and feel less and less like going back to the old life. So the hope for reconciliation does have a role in the healing - it helps you get through the day. If you believed that it's over from day one after the breakup, you'd feel like dying. I've had moments in my life when I thought that something great was about to happen (in my career or love or whatever). The great thing never materialized but I lived happily for a few weeks and retained the feeling that something IS moving in my life. False hopes are not always bad, unless you're investing additional assets in them. Hoping that your ex will come around instead of crying and persuading yourself self-destructively that you're forgotten by them is far from any big investment. Just my view on it. I have to admit that calling her, and hearing her voice...bothered me. I can tell it had the same effect on her when she called me. I don't know what all this means, but I've got to tell you-it made some waves here. See, I know for a fact that he will miss me and want to spend some time with me. I also know that we will remain in contact because of the kids. But I will insist on minimizing or avoiding communication because I want to heal ASAP, but also because I know it will kill him. I think he is dumping me for no good reason and because his family is pressuring him to do so. If he loves me, he will feel miserable after I leave and possibly try to reconcile. We'll see. If he doesn't love me or try to get back together, that will only prove that the separation was a good thing. In the meanwhile, I will genuinely try to move on. Thank god, I don't drink anymore, so I won't repeat the episodes of despair from the period when I was getting over my ex-husband (calling him in the middle of the night, begging him to see me, etc.). Why do people seem to think NC is a certain strategy to getting the X to call you ? Because it certainly does make them call you most of the time? You have to take everything positive from your situation that you can; now you have some doors that have opened. As a single person, you are the captain of your own ship-with the ability to steer that ship in any direction YOU choose. You can go to school, get a new job, reconnect with old friends, the list goes on and on. Yes, I feel excited about the change and I feel it as a challenge to achieve something on my own. I am happy that the kids will have both him and me after we split and they can see him very often. Financially I will be OK and I am also starting my first year of law school this year. The only thing you can rely on is YOU. Well that and if we lived in the same town, I'd take YOU out for a cup of coffee! Aww, thanks.
Author OfTheGood Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Sorry for not being on in a few days...but things have been nuts here with work, and all. I wanted to give you guys an update. Now, I called the next day she called me; I couldn't answer the phone-some of the reason was part shock, some of it was part logic. I really wanted to be cool, collected, AND on my toes for when the moment was right. It had been a week since I had gotten a call from the ex, and with work being what i was, it was easy to slip back into NC. I figured I'd stay there, even though my emotions were running higher than usual as a result of the call she made to me. A week goes by and this evening....BRRRRIIINNNGGG. Its her again. I've deleted her number, and I'm just waking up from a nap, so it takes me a second to realize it's her. When I came to a few seconds later, I answered it...and so it played out. All of the things I learned on here (LS) came into play: inflection, ending the call first, how to respond to when she asks how I am. All of it. And for a grade: I give myself a 95. The call was about 15 minutes. A bit longer than what I wanted to spend on the call, but conversation was absolutely flowing. She apologized for not returning my call sooner, as she was stricken with FLU, and then had to go out of town for work herself. We spoke about work, some miscellaneous items, and I asked her about her Mom and how her cancer was. On the phone, things seemed great, and very fluid-and I cannot wait to talk to her again. I have remained in STRICT NC, and this is the second time she's called me. Problem is....what now? Takers?
tonyeltiger Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 hmmm...toughy. You are walking a thin line probably. Call too early, seem like you are strung. Call too late, see thinks you don't care. If I were you, I'd answer the next time you feel comfortable talking to her and want to do so. I think your heart will find an answer. Not all can be found on LS! I wish you luck with whatever you choose. Sorry I can't be more help!
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