Shouldn't I start feeling better by now?

[Belkin]

If you want all the details, you can check out this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t143084/

 

In a few words, I went out with another girl of my school (I'm 22, she's 21), who happens to live basically across my doorstep, for three months. On jan 22, after I initiated the discussion, she told me she didn't have the same feelings for me as in the beginning, and we broke up. A few days later I found out the hard way she was actually going out with another guy, whom I had seriously suspected since things started deteriorating between her and me. I still see her everyday, him as well.

 

Well, it's been over a month now and I don't think I've made much progress in healing. I haven't talked to her since a week after we broke up, threw away or deleted anything that could remind me of her. I keep repeating to myself that what she did proves she wasn't worth it and that I will find someone much better and deserving. I tried to force myself not to think of her; I can now recite the alphabet from Z to A as fast as from A to Z, but to no avail.

 

Time is supposed to heal everything, but is that the case when the pain is revived each day as the truth is slapped into my face when I see them together, when I see her leaving in the evening for his building, her school stuff ready for the next morning? I just got back from a whole week of snowboarding away from her, and she was on my mind all the time, from the moment I woke up to the time I fell asleep, and even then I dreamed of her... Sometimes I thought I was more or less better, but I'd see someone who'd looked like her, and know it won't be easy seeing her again (probably as soon as tomorrow...)

 

I know my situation is so small compared to so many others on this site: I've only known her for 6 months, gone out for barely a day more than 3 months, and it's been almost 6 weeks since she dumped me, yet I still love her fiercely despite myself. If things seemed to be getting better, I'd give myself a few more weeks and wait it out, but I don't see how I'll be able to "unlove" her for now. Mid June the school year ends and I'm leaving for another campus, so that will definitely be the end of it. But it seems absurd that I'll grieve this loss longer than the time we've been together if it comes to that! I really don't know what to do anymore, I feel as if I've tried everything...

[tonyeltiger]

I'm in kind of a similar situation, although I live quite a ways away from her so I don't have the constant reminder (if only I could stop the damned myspace-ing ><). I have concluded that it is ok for us to still love them, or at least the people we knew them to be. Don't try to convince yourself that the good times were actually bad, because they weren't. If you feel this strongly, I'm sure that she will remember these times fondly as well. You are completely in the right by feeling hurt that she is with someone else, know that he will never have those same moments you shared together. He can't take those away, and if she really loved you, she will not forget these moments either. You have made your mark on her life, and she onto yours, but now you can only move on. You can't control her actions, so live your life open-minded and try to move on. It's ok to continue to love her, and if the new person makes her truely happy, be happy for her. But keep in mind that you only dated her for 3 months, there will be far more important relationship experiences to come in your life. Maybe she'll be back, maybe not, but just improve yourself. Your new love will be better off for it, and also your current ex will appreciate the improvements if she returns. Sorry if that was sporadic! Good luck!

[Belkin]

Thanks for your answer! I read your story... ouch, I feel for you! I'm just not ready to be happy for her if she's happy with someone else yet! And yes, I know it was only 3 months and I understand I'll most probably have longer and deeper relations in my vast and promising future; so if I know and accept all that why can't I move on? It was only 3 months, that's nothing! If it broke off so soon, it just proves it wasn't meant to last! It just hurts me so much to know she is now spending all her time with him. If only I didn't have the "constant reminder" as you say, I'm positive I'd already be over it, or at least feeling much better. Again, it was only 3 months (amazing months though , except for the last few days, wish I could live them again...) Just ranting here, sorry...

[BalancenLuv20]

It's ok to continue to love her, and if the new person makes her truely happy, be happy for her.

 

This whole notion of being "happy" for the ex really depends on a lot of factors. My ex treated me like crap after we broke up. Kept me on a string, said really terrible things, used me as a last resort, and essentially forced me to try and be friends with her and would threaten by saying "I'll regret it" if I'm not only to get treated like crap by her and get a call maybe 1 or 2 a month and I finally started ignoring her and pushed her away. It was awful and I hope I never have to go back to it. I just found out recently she got dumped by her bf who she started seeing a little over a month after we broke up and who she said was "her one in 6 billion" not long after they started dating. she begged him back and got him and it just made me laugh because she is so needy like that and selfish and always has to get her way and it bugged me for a while because I thought I taught her better than that, but I guess not.

 

Anyways maybe a little too much info but my point is how can I be happy for someone who's treated me like crap for so long? At this point, I can't. She's not a part of my life I don't really care anymore, i'd be lying if I said I was happy for her. So best advice I have, easier said than done, but she's got her bf don't try and reconcile in anyway because most likely it will only cause hurt at this stage. Move on, you're starting a new life elsewhere soon, best of wishes.

[SarahT111]

O I totally agree!

Everyone is saying 'if you love him then why cant you be happy that he has moved and is happy'

I understand where they are coming from but honestly how can you be happy for him/her when they left you for someone else!

And when It was done so nastily and with no consideration for you or your feelings how can you be happy for them!!!

And Belkin your not mad dw!

Ive been 3 months of NC while he couldn't care less about me yet my loves grows stronger!!!

Why do I still love someone who was so cruel to me??!!

From anyone elses point of view im insane for dwelling on this guy!!

 

And who cares how long it was Belkin! If you really deeply loved her it will take a while. But this proves you have a heart and are capable of great love. My ex dumped me after two years and moved on in less than 24 hours. He never shed a tear. He is heartless and not capable of great love. Who would want to be like that!! Trust me your far better off!

[Belkin]

Lurking around and I stumbled on this (from http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70200/ )

 

We only dated a few months, but I love my ex!

Three months is a magic number. It's built into the human brain (or so they say). If the relationship only lasted 3-4 months to begin with or if your ex is less than 25 (or so) years old (or really immature) they aren't likely to be coming back. It could take a bit longer with the immature as they may lack the nerve to break up in the first place. So 3 months is a trial period. The trial is over, move on. Less than 25 yrs old, many/most people aren't looking for permanent relationships. Don't get your hopes up. It might happen, sure, but it probably won't.

So much for hoping she'll come back... 3 months, 21 yrs old, and really immature: the trial's over and she failed I guess...

[Belkin]

Going back to school campus in a few hours now... Last time that happened I was overjoyed at the thought of seeing her again... Now I know she's probably having that same feeling for *****, and him for her, and it hurts so much I really missed her soooo much during this week, and to know that I'll see her again in a few hours, but that it won't mean anything for her except maybe an awkward moment... She'll surely throw her bags on her bed and rush to his room to kiss him welcome, and maybe more than just a kiss... arg. And still I cannot help myself from hoping she'll come back having realized the mistake she made in turning to him and ask me back! How desperate...

I had to write this down, couldn't keep it in me much longer... Next vacations in 6 weeks, and so much events in between when I'll have to endure seeing the two of them close together

[tonyeltiger]

If she has moved on so quickly with this new guy, just tell yourself that she never really loved you too much. If she felt a genuine connection to you, she would have problems procedeing with a new guy. SHe would be taking things slow. Ask yourself just how much this new relationship looks like your old relationship. Take solice in the fact that he will probably dump her/ she will dump him whenever her true colors come out again. DOn't put her up on the pedestal! She doesn't deserve you, so let her be an immature........girl.

[BalancenLuv20]

Going back to school campus in a few hours now... Last time that happened I was overjoyed at the thought of seeing her again... Now I know she's probably having that same feeling for *****, and him for her, and it hurts so much I really missed her soooo much during this week, and to know that I'll see her again in a few hours, but that it won't mean anything for her except maybe an awkward moment... She'll surely throw her bags on her bed and rush to his room to kiss him welcome, and maybe more than just a kiss... arg. And still I cannot help myself from hoping she'll come back having realized the mistake she made in turning to him and ask me back! How desperate...

I had to write this down, couldn't keep it in me much longer... Next vacations in 6 weeks, and so much events in between when I'll have to endure seeing the two of them close together

 

Belkin I know this is easier said than done, but trying to picture what kind of romantic or sexual activity they are engaging in is one of the worst things you can possibly do. All you can do is tell yourself you have NO control over the situation and let it go. Try and just meet a few new people if you can and don't be so hard on yourself. Things happen for a reason, just try to enjoy being single and shed all that unwarranted stress off your back.

[SarahT111]

Hey Belkin

 

Hope things are good!

 

Hope that 3 month thing didn't upset you

Hey the fact that she was with you in the first place must mean you have something to offer! And we all know you are mature and you have a heart and she is immature and has no heart so your way ahead of her!

 

Its tough tho i know I wish my ex was here now I miss him alot! It strange how I can love and miss someone who doesn't even like me at all and is even glad im out of his life. I wish I had appreciated him more when we were together! I dug this hole myself!

 

Anyway belkin be totally selfish ok! Your in a really tough situation! I couldnt survive if I had to see him and his new gf every day! I honestly would just die! Your doing fantastically well!! Make sure you spoil and reward your self ok! Your in a nightmare situation for many so don't you think you deserve to spoil your self a bit for being so mature and coping so well!

I look up to you belkin! I couldnt do what you are doing! If youve coped with this so well everything else that hits you in life will be like a breeze!

Keep you head up

[D-Lish]

You just can't help how you feel sometimes- and that three month zone is usually the honeymoon period- the time when your endorphins are raging and therefore your feelinsg most intense.

 

It doesn't help that you have to see her and "him" together all the time. I mean it's bad enough seeing her I am sure.

 

Once you switch you campus and don't have to bear witness to the two of them every day, things will change for you.

 

I can't tell you why some people will affect you more profoundly than others.... it just is what it is and we can't really change how we are wired to respond to other people.

 

You will get over her, it won't hurt forever... I can promise you that.

I think it sucks you have to run into her every day. That would make things doubly hard. When your situation changes and you don't have to see her anymore- I think you will notice a difference in your mood.

 

Hang in there.

Most of us have been where you are. I can tell you that I experienced more pain over someone I dated for a couple months than I did over someone I dated for a couple years.

[vivrantflo]

Belkin I know this is easier said than done, but trying to picture what kind of romantic or sexual activity they are engaging in is one of the worst things you can possibly do.

 

 

I second this... I did this, and let me tell you.. it gave me many sleepless nights feeling naucious, and VERY upset..

 

I feel for you.. your situation is unique.. Just try your best to let her go.. and as for seeing her.. there's no advice I can give... just trust that time will heal you, and you get de-sensitized (sp) by seeing her around..

 

Good luck man..

[Belkin]

Thanks a lot for your support everyone! I'm touched

 

Sarah:

 

Hope that 3 month thing didn't upset you

Not really upset, just a reality check, I need that...

 

You are mature and you have a heart and she is immature and has no heart so your way ahead of her!

Thank you, I'm fantastic, I know that I wouldn't go as far as saying she has no heart, I think she just doesn't really realize how much she hurt me... Very much like a kid actually, she just needs to grow up I suppose...

 

Make sure you spoil and reward your self ok! Your in a nightmare situation for many so don't you think you deserve to spoil your self a bit for being so mature and coping so well!

Spoiling's on the way...

 

D-Lish:

 

the time when your endorphins are raging and therefore your feelings most intense.

And what about HER endorphins? Why didn't she continue the honeymoon phase like me? Then again, she's starting a new honeymoon phase now...

 

I can tell you that I experienced more pain over someone I dated for a couple months than I did over someone I dated for a couple years.

Thank you for that. It makes my pain seem more "worthy" compared to all you others suffering what seem like much worse breakups from much longer relations than mine!

 

Vivrantflo:

 

time will heal

It better! I'm got a lot of things planned for my future and I can't let this get in the way for too long! It just sucks that I have to wait it out... The end of the school year was supposed to be great fun, lost of parties, sun, trips... But now the two of them are always smack in the middle of it all

"Don't **** where you eat" they say... I get it now...

Edited March 3, 2008 by Belkin

[ibitealil]

If she has moved on so quickly with this new guy, just tell yourself that she never really loved you too much. If she felt a genuine connection to you, she would have problems procedeing with a new guy. SHe would be taking things slow. Ask yourself just how much this new relationship looks like your old relationship. Take solice in the fact that he will probably dump her/ she will dump him whenever her true colors come out again. DOn't put her up on the pedestal! She doesn't deserve you, so let her be an immature........girl.

 

Thank you thank you thank you :-)

[D-Lish]

Thank you for that. It makes my pain seem more "worthy" compared to all you others suffering what seem like much worse breakups from much longer relations than mine!

 

 

All pain should be validated. Just because you only dated her for a few months doesn't make your feelings and pain less worthy- not in the least bit.

 

You wanted to know why you had the intensity and her endorphins weren't as amped as yours. You also answered your own question- that she was already playing around with the thrill of a new conquest.

 

The fact that she jumped straight into another relationship says a lot about her. Don't be surprised if she blindsides the new guy and drops him for someone new.