SarahT111 Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Does anyone out there that has been dumped feel overwhelming guilt and feel that everything is all their fault?? What were the biggest mistakes you made in the realtionship?
dfreeman Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 but, I have certainly owned up to my full 50%! I regret using sabotage over the last 5 months of our 5-year relationship. Now that I look back, I think I should have just stuck to being a great boyfriend and forced her to either get help for her stuff or lose me. The big problem with using sabotage to make the break happen, is now I see myself as the bad guy and it took me about a month after the break up to remember why I started sabotaging in the first place. I also regret letting the unhappiness get me to the point where I lost sight of the great guy I am (not braggin - that's just what all my friends tell me ). To make a long story short, I got out of shape and stopped being warm, charming and funny. Z'all good now - LS has helped me remember that she was an angry, selfish and unhappy woman that I don't need in my life anymore. Also, my friends say that I am getting a lot of pep back in my step these days and I seem happier without her. So, I guess I don't regret the break up as much as I do regret how I handled the time leading up to it and how I let us just explode and get ugly at the end???
prisonbreak Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 I made the biggest mistake of all, the biggest one possible! No mistake could ever top mine. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are human and not perfect. I still deal with extreme guilt and it was ALL my fault. But there has to be a point that you quit beating yourself up! Try to learn from any mistakes you made, so you don't repeat them. Hope this helps.
tonyeltiger Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Hmmmm....prisonbreak's mistake intrigues me........not gonna scratch open a wound though.... On my end, I have only been NC for one week now, and I feel like it was all my fault. She said that it wasn't, and that her feelings just changed.....I think that that is never true. There is always something. I'm not saying she was pefect, but I was willing to work through her faults.....evidentally I wasn't worth as much to her. I think mainly, I just got too comfortable in the relationship and didn't give her all of the special attention that she can get easily in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. Hoping that once this guy gets comfortable, she'll start comparing us more and more, and hopefully come back. And if I'm free then, I would definately give her another chance and a lot more attention. Unfortunatley my biggest problem is that for him to get "comfortable" he's proabably gonna have to get all of the physical stuff from her that I was always her first with ><. THat's my biggest hurdle/cliff/fear. Is that wrong of me? Anyways, I've learned from my mistakes, and just want the chance to fix them. Unfortunately, our other halves don't always want to give us that chance.
g1976b Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Some of our shared similarities never cease to amaze me. I'll admit that I entered the breakup (as the dumpee) fully convinced I was entirely to blame and knowing I could change to do right by her, and us. Some of that is true. Many of our problems started because of some poor decisions I made (controlling, jealousy, too much routine) and the behavior that inevitably came from that. However, this breakup has been an ugly one. I would have bet A LOT of money that if we broke up it would not have been like this. She has, and is, turning into a completely different person. A person I truly wouldn't want to be with. Now, to be fair, I think some of this is a knee-jerk reaction to the problems. That said though, she would now have to show me a lot if I were to consider getting back together. You do have to wonder about seeing people for who they truly are during times like these. Maybe I dodged a bullet. I hate to think about it that way as I truly do love her, but it's a possibility.
frd150 Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 At first I sat around blaming myself for everything that went wrong leading up to the break up. After some time and much needed healing I realised that it take two to tango and I did my best with what I knew at the time. Our problem (and a big one) was communication. I thought I was doing enought by doing "things" for her and vice versa but it was merely a band aid nothing more. We could have saved all this grief had we just talked more. I dont mean chatting I mean intamate talks, the kind couples have. So we were both at fault but it just dawned on her first. Even after we broke up I was like WHaaaa????...totally oblivious and thinking that I had done something else to cause our demise. Nope, It was simple communication problems leading to other things. I know better now. Just doing the little things like paying attention will save all of us in the end. FRD
frd150 Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 You do have to wonder about seeing people for who they truly are during times like these. Maybe I dodged a bullet. I hate to think about it that way as I truly do love her, but it's a possibility. I feel the same but it could also be a certanty;). Sometimes who we are with is not who they really are and some can hide it for a very long time.
Author SarahT111 Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Hey prisonbreak! What was your huge mistake?! Dont worry I made mistakes aswell and lost the love of my life! Its been 3 months and I still beat myself up everyday over it :mad: I wonder aswell if my ex was showing his true colours at the time of the break up. What do you guys think on that? He was really sweet to begin with but then cruel rude and heartless. Who is he really?
prisonbreak Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 I cheated. I know I know. OMG if I could only go back in time and do things over. Please don't disregard anything I've ever said on LS, because I'm now an admitted slim bag. But, there it is, the biggest most hurtful mistake anyone can possible to do another person who loved me with all his heart and soul. I don't even know if I catorgorize that as a mistake. It's almost out of "mistake" league. Summary: We got engaged in June, I freaked out. Started pulling away. Tried to tell him how I was feeling, but he never really understood. A month later I went out of town with girlfriends. I took my ring off and told myself I was going to be free. Well, I was free alright. I ran into an ex and that's when it happened. I wasn't going to tell him. I was planning on coming home and figuring out why I did it and figure out the root of the problem (why I freaked out over the engagement). When I got home, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I was so ashamed at what I had done. He is the most amazing man ever and I just totally disrespected him and our relationship. I thought, even if I get to the root of the problem and heal my issues, I could never say "I do" having this lie between us. So I immediately confessed. He yelled, and we cried. After, he said, "Now how are we going to fix this?" I was floored. I thought he would've left me, but he didn't. We started going to counseling, I went on my own and we went together. We did this for a while. He then said I just want to stop digging and just have fun again. So we stopped counseling and just started enjoying each other again. A few months went by and then he said, he couldn't do it and left. I was devastated. Then he came back for a few months and then he left again Dec 1st. The whole time I continued counseling on my own. Now he is back again but taking things slow and we are both going to counseling on our own. So, sarah, there was a time that i had to just forgive myself. I still struggle with it, but you can't continue to beat yourself up over it. I know God forgives me and if I don't forgive myself, then aren't i putting myself above God? You are human and we all fall short. Try to forgive yourself. I'm sure your mistake isn't as bad as mine, so if I can learn to forgive myself, you should try to forgive yourself. What was your mistake? I believe guys react out of hurt. So these may not be his true colors. You know how an injured dog will bite? even tho the dog is sweet and gentle, but once it's hurt it may snap at you? Maybe they are his true colors, but maybe he's just hurt too.
ibitealil Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 My biggest faults. 1) When i wasnt feeling happy with him i thought it was my fault and thats because i m too spoiled. 2) even though i finally realized that i should end the relationship i kept coming back to him hoping that things will be better not because i loved him but because i was scared of being alone. 3) I thought he was the only chance to be loved 4) i ignored all his faults thinking that its not important
Author SarahT111 Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Hey Prisonbreak You have real courage to talk about that Thats fantastic that you are back together!! Everyone is allowed to make a mistake and the fact that he came back must mean your really worth it! Im so happy for you! Hope things work out better this time! I can kind of relate to a bit of your story, sometimes for no reason I would get really mad with my ex bf and just want to be free to do my own thing! I didn't act on it but I can understand the feeling you got. Dont beat yourself up anymore ok. As long as you can learn its ok Well my mistake was kind of on going... My ex partner had parents and friends that hated me despite honestly my very best attempt to get them to like me! They were a very tight circle of friends and didn't like anyone new. And his parents were just crazy!! Anyway he often told me they all hated me and all the nasty things they said about me. They made me feel like dirt and it got so bad I couldn't even set foot in his place. In return my parents are friends were lovely to him and ran round after him all the time. He was always here with me and we were always going out of our way. I tried and tried for him to talk to his mum or friends but he didn't and he didn't want me to either. It was like he seemed to enjoy people hating me and didn't want it to change. He did everything his mum said and I was sick of it (hes 21!!) So I got mad and pushed him away. I guess i didn't know what else to do I fought with him alll the time and I got so angry I said some really stupid stuff (as did he) I stopped telling him I loved him as I thought I didn't He kept trying but I was so angry and upset that I kept pushing him away I was sick of his mum ruling our relationship, when we were together she always told him to stay away from me so I became distant with him. I didn't realise my mistake untill I found out he was telling everyone I treat him like dirt and he wanted out. I tried everything to fix it up, apologized endlessly, begged, orgainised holidays for him, bought him presents but in the end he had had it He said I wasn't affectionate enough and he was sick of everyone hating me. And with that he was gone and had a new gf the next day I was so un believebly shattered I hate myself so much for everything!!!! He has it in his mind that I treat him like dirt and so he hates me He wont even be my friend It hurts soooooooooooooooo bad. I love him but I blew it Im not sure what to think, sometimes I feel like I should give myself credit for sticking round through all this. I mean I waited over a year for this guy to ask me out while he was openly dating other girls and stringing me along. When we did get together he was still going after other girls and even showed me the txts he sent his ex gf trying to get her to come back to him! But after that stopped everything was perfect for a year untill I met the friends and family! He treated me like and angel and I returned it. I loved him soooooooo much! But then the problems with the friends and family started I feel sometimes like I should give myself credit for sticking round through it but being nasty to him because I was hurting is horrible and there is no excuse for that. So ya thats my story! He absolutly hates me now as he thinks i treat him like 'dirt' I really love him but I know there is no way he will ever come back now I miss him and I really hate myself! I just wish I could turn back time and sort thing out instead of getting upset and angry :mad: Am I a horrible person? Gosh I miss him sooooo much Please dont hate me, I know I stuffed up and I feel bad enough. But if you have any advice it would help Thanks
prisonbreak Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 (edited) Thanks Sarah for the words of encouragement. I was nervous I was going to get condemed by everyone. Even tho I've posted in the past, I've always been very vague regarding my story, out of fear. You know, once a cheater always a cheater....sooooooooooo not true. I'd never relive any of this! He has even said, Well, I know you'll never cheat on me again. We have been thro 7 months of hell over this. We are not engaged anymore, but at least he is in my life again, loving me. Ok, so on with you now.... Good for you for never acting on your feelings of wanting to be free. So not worth it! Even if you would never tell. That's just weird that he didn't care if his family/friends hated you. To me, your partner is a reflection of you. If they saw things in you that they didn't like and they would tell him this, then indirectly they are also cutting him down. Insults to you are insults to him. A mature guy would also see it this way. He obviously is immature. He didn't even try to convince them otherwise...strange. It's almost like he enjoyed watching your self-esteem plumet. Not a sign of a healthy guy. So you became distant. Don't beat yourself up for that. You were trying to protect yourself from the torture. I would've done the same thing. You were reacting normally in an abnormal situation. You feel like you treated him like dirt? Well maybe you did, but he needs to take responsibility for his part too. You are not a horrible person at all! It sounds like things were good, then he started getting negative feedback from his family/friends and didn't know how to end it. So, he kept telling you about how they were feeling, in hopes this would drive you away. You acted out and this was enough for him. Like he was waiting for an excuse. So he's using the "you treated me like dirt" to end things, when in reality he never had an excuse to end things before. He wants to ease his guilt so he is turning this on you. Making you look like the bad guy. He sounds so immature. You deserve a man who can stand up to his family and friends and declare his love for you. Don't settle for anything less. And don't take the blame for this, that's what he want you to do. It's ok to miss him. I think you miss the good parts of the relationship, but him as a person is little to be desired. What is sad is, this is something that could have been worked out with good communication, but it doesn't sound like he was willing or capable of that. I also struggle with the fact that his (my bf) family and friends probably hate me. He told them all what I did. I'll have to face the music someday. But he told me, he doesn't care what they think. I think if they really love their son, they will only want him to be happy and if being with you makes him happy then they should be supportive of that. Maybe your ex wasn't telling them how happy he was with you. That's a bad sign right there. I don't think this really has anything to do with you at all and he is turning the tables to make you feel guilty. And it's working. Stop it. Dont' let him have that power over you and your thoughts and feelings. You are in control of YOUR own thoughts and feelings, NOT HIS. Let him think what he wants, you can't change that. But you do have control over your thoughts, so remind yourself everyday, that you are a good person. I think you are! Edited March 2, 2008 by prisonbreak
Author SarahT111 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 Thanks so much prison break!! Ya I realise he is immature! I tried to talk to him about it but he would NEVER look at it from my point of view! I don't know what to do Did I over react?! How would you act if you partners parents and friends despised you and were flat out nasty to you and di nothing about it??? I just really hate the fact that he thinks I treated him like dirt when I was just trying to help things And its reeeally bothering me that he thinks I have no friends and everyone hates me! I have tons of great friends and Im not the type of person people hate. I get along well with everyone yet he thinks everyone hates me and I treat people like dirt!! Its just really bugging me as its not true! o well i know it will never change Its kinda wierd tho coz he made people hate me! He would purposly spread lies between me and my friends so we would fight then he would swoop in and take their side and become better friends with them than I was! Its so wierd! Why would he do that?! Thats really not the person I know! I knew him years before as a friend and he wouldnt do that! So why would he do it when we got together!!? I guess I deserved it from pushing him away so much I feel really bad as he was lovely untill all this carry on with his parents and family started How did I manage to ruin my lovely bf! Prisonbreak you must be a much better gf than your giving your self credit for! Of course you wont cheat again, everyone makes mistakes! Your so lucky you have a wonderful guy that can understand that!! Its so great that you are back together!!!! Im so happy for you!!! Must have been such a relief after what you went through! Uve worked hard and you deserve it girl! Id love my ex to come back! Make sure you keep me posted on how its going! And just remember everyone can make one slip up and its OK!
Author SarahT111 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 :mad:Ahh I miss him so much today Ive wished every single day for almost 3 months that he will come bak to me I know its time to give up but I dont want to as I love him so much I cant see myself ever loving someone the way I loved him! I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!! Im soooo in love with him and I cant have him and I dont want anyone else!!! Ahh why is it so hard I would do anything to have him back
latefragment Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 sarah111, you echo my thoughts and feelings exactly on this issue. I managed to keep myself together with therapy, etc for about a week at a time, then had to have my breakdown on saturday night, (breaking point of keeping it in). I really do want him to come back to me but it is not going to happen. AND I feel like it is ALL MY FAULT. (when I know it isn't). kicking myself for my part in it. overwhelming guilt, etc., I could have written your last post.
Author SarahT111 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Wow im sorry to hear that latefragment! Why do you think it is all your fault?? What did you do?! Would love to hear your story! Our situation is horrible I really feel for you if your going through the same thing!!!
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