farina Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Hello all, it's my 1st post here, so im sorry if im going to sound full-on abt my situation. I come from a quite conservative family background. My bf is from another country and has a totally different background, w/c makes my situation here somewhat more difficult. First, let me brief u with my current situation. I have to help w/ the family business. I just got a job 6 months ago,however i feel my parents' patience growing thin as they dont like me working for someone else. I actually had times when I wanted to just leave, but know I can't because a situation at home is preventing me from doing so.im not quitting my current job just yet bec. i need an excuse to think things through. I've been away from my bf for a year now since I graduated (we've been together 2 yrs, I met him in college while I was studying as an overseas student). He is in his country, i am now in mine, and my student visa as already expired. We talk abt how we can stay together in ONE place. He can't move to my country because he cant just leave everything he's built for himself where he is now - i dont want to be selfish and just tell him "if u love me then move here". He has his own problems to handle too. If I help with the family business, i know i'll never be able to leave my country. He has to be the one to come here, but is still a bad idea because he'd be earning so much less. We'd want to be able to support ourselves - without the strings attached to my parents or anyone else - if we ever get married. The only way i can move to his country is if i get married to him. but im not ready to get married just yet, based on my career plans and family situation. And i really just dont feel emotionally ready for that. However what we want is simply to have a NORMAL relationship and be able to see each other or at least have some certainty on WHEN and HOW LONG. We've already talked abt working visa so I can tell my parents this is for personal experience but im a fresh grad, no one is going to take me overseas, plus just recently I got very sick, and this is something that immigration in his country is very particular abt - they will not take in sick people is all I can say, even though I'm fine now. I also dont have the funds to even fly anywhere at the moment, and may take me a whole year to save if i did want a plane ticket... this is what i don't want, another whole year being stagnant and not doing anything for my life but saving money to what, pay a visit to my bf's country and then possibly get booted out after 3 days? Not going to happen. it's not that i dont love him. i love him so much i want a long term solution for our current situation. i am just so sad and uncertain abt MY future with him.How long are we going to be apart?the only thing we want is to be WITH EACH OTHER.This is the whole point of my post....we just want to BE TOGETHER, while considering other things I've just mentioned. Somehow the circumstances surrounding us seems to present impossible tasks. I feel if i do "this", there are bad consequences, and if i do "that", there are still bad consequences! I feel hopeless. i feel there is no solution or idea left, but if u do it would help me so much and i'd be grateful...i love my bf so much and he loves me alot too.we want to push through even the most difficult circumstance, but seem to run out of ideas....thanks for taking time to read this... i know its very long..
carhill Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Boyfriend needs to come and visit you. He has the means and the ability; all he needs is the desire. You have a long distance relationship, amongst the most difficult under any circumstances. As things are, it's a zero sum game. You'd be better off forgetting about him and concentrating on your own situation and your future. Sorry I can't be more optimistic.
Author farina Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Boyfriend needs to come and visit you. He has the means and the ability; all he needs is the desire. You have a long distance relationship, amongst the most difficult under any circumstances. As things are, it's a zero sum game. You'd be better off forgetting about him and concentrating on your own situation and your future. Sorry I can't be more optimistic. Thanks for your input carhill. Yes, he definitely has the means to come here, in fact he did give me a visit middle of last year and plans to visit every 6 mos... except this year he just switched jobs and his next annual leave is dec. yet! I feel like our relationship is just going to be abt visiting each other...I'm very practical person, and even tell him to stop the visits and plan on long term solutions. You're right about focusing on my situation here. I really feel like I need to do something for myself to keep things moving... Though, I know for a fact I will never be happy in this house. What I thought of was, to just go ahead with the family business, and see what happens next. I have another 6 mos to make a decision. Hopefully my decision will give me a door out. I will be more financially free to do what I want, if my parents won't play the political game with me. I know this sounds strange as I already have my own job etc, but they have a way to keep me in. It seriously driving me mad, but I guess I have to take that step to see what I can do next... I'm still going to stick with the relationship, keep my fingers crossed. He's been patient, still is, and given me so much happiness all throughout the relationship despite the hardships.I tell him my plans, if he can wait, then I know he cares...
carhill Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 You remind me a bit of a past female friend of mine who is ethnic Chinese, smart, hard-working, and had her own life but had a hard time breaking away from her parents and worked in their restaurant for years, even after completing her college degree. She didn't have a long distance romance like you do, but faced similar hurdles in gaining her "freedom". She had finally achieved her freedom in her mid 30's and married a local boy who had been a long-time on and off boyfriend (about whom I heard many stories ) Anyway, I understand some of your dilemma. You're right, if he cares, he'll continue being patient. Consistent communication is critical, as is feeling (both of you) like you're part of a "team" with a common goal. I wish you well
sptu Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 well,why do you have to do sth!??!i mean why to stop sth when there are still feeling and you both want each other?!?!?!just because later it will be harder?!?!as long as we dont know our future, we cant predict anything!!!so dont stop something just because you are afraid..
Author farina Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Thanks guys. Well just an update, I had a long conversation with my bf and we've both decided that we must do something about our physical distance by the end of this year. We both don't really know how we're going to do it, but at least we got something to aim for. I'll go ahead with the family business and he'll see how his new job goes. It's true, I can't predict the future. I must admit I do have alot of fear. I've tried to break free in the past several times though, but last time I had a terrible experience at home. My parents are actually from different cultural, racial background as well, but my mom now just goes with whatever my dad thinks. Whenever I do something that doesn't please my dad, my mom takes alot of the blame and shes suffered too much in her marriage. And to think they would understand my interracial rel, It's just the opposite. So I'm finding other ways to do it than "rebel" to keep things safe. I guess this is why I'm playing a diplomatic role now.
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