Will someone chat with me :( very lonely

[datingmum]

:eek:Hi guys,

 

coping with very painful breakup. doing all the right stuff right now, NC, therapy etc. But I just cannot seem to shift the obsessive thinking. I've sat in the house all day today with my little girls watching movies. I don't know what to do to get over this.

 

I know it takes time, I'm trying to be patient. Is it okay to let yourself just sit and read loveshack all day on a saturday?

[Cool Chick]

I don't see anything wrong with that. I wouldn't do it everyday though. Maybe try to get in touch with some friends to see if they'll come over and keep you company and take your mind off things for a little while?

 

Cool Chick

[datingmum]

I've been through this so many times with him.

 

I won't let it go on. but my friends have all gone away, tired of what I put myself through and tired of my dramatic and depressed reaction. "Look at what a wonderful life you have, how attractive, successful, beautiful children..." but none of them seem to understand the depth of why I have so many problems letting this relationship go and being strong on my own.

 

My friend said to work/keep active etc but that you can give yourself a little time each day as a 'reward' to break down. I guess after struggling through this week and having planned activity for tomorrow, this is my day to just feel.

 

in a way, maybe it's good my friends won't talk about it anymore. i finally have to face this on my own. but i am still just obsessing and worried and freaking out. I asked him for no contact but now i'm just bloody obsessed!

 

uuuuughgh

 

thanks for replying though

[SarahT111]

I've been through this so many times with him.

 

I won't let it go on. but my friends have all gone away, tired of what I put myself through and tired of my dramatic and depressed reaction. "Look at what a wonderful life you have, how attractive, successful, beautiful children..." but none of them seem to understand the depth of why I have so many problems letting this relationship go and being strong on my own.

 

My friend said to work/keep active etc but that you can give yourself a little time each day as a 'reward' to break down. I guess after struggling through this week and having planned activity for tomorrow, this is my day to just feel.

 

in a way, maybe it's good my friends won't talk about it anymore. i finally have to face this on my own. but i am still just obsessing and worried and freaking out. I asked him for no contact but now i'm just bloody obsessed!

 

uuuuughgh

 

thanks for replying though

 

Hey datingmum!

 

I know how you feel! My friends are sick to death of me going on and on about my break up! None of them really understand what im going throught and thats ok but its a really lonely and hard time for me.

I tried going to a counceller which I have never done before and it really helped! Maybe you should try talking to one aswell?

Also writing things down helped a bit aswell.

 

I have become utterly obsessed with my breakup aswell! I am convinced everything is all my fault and I absolutly hate myself!

Im not to sure where to go from here. I do anything to have him back

 

Anyway keep posting

[jc]

I read an article recently on how they have done brain imaging scans of people's brains when they are going through heartbreak. And the area of the brain that lights up is the addictions/reward centre of the brain. So really, the obsessive thoughts, the need to call, make contact, etc., is stimulating the same response as the need to drink alcohol if you are an alcoholic, or the need to do drugs if you are a drug-addict. My point is that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself at this point, part of these reactions that you are having (obsessive thoughts, etc.) are chemically based reactions in your brain. You are going through withdrawal! And pretty much the only way to get past this is to go cold turkey, cut off the 'reward' of talking to him. Yes, you will have the obsessive thoughts, the sadness, the depression to deal with for a while. But then it will shift.

 

I went through an on-again, off-again relationship for three years. I finally told him to never contact me again at the end of August. I haven't heard from him since, and I have not contacted him either. It's now March and I still feel sad about it, but it's better than the constant back and forth, the instability, etc. So just know that you are doing the right thing. For yourself and your children. You don't want them to grow up watching you live out that pattern, because they might adopt that pattern themselves.

 

The feeling of being lonely is horrible. But I've read and heard that feeling lonely is actually rooted in the feeling of being afraid. I've been trying to work that out for myself, and I think I'm getting better at being alone and not feeling lonely. It's hard, but we have no other choice than to live it out.

[carhill]

datingmum, I'm new here but spent a goodly bit of time here last week due to being flat on my back with a virus. I've noted Saturday's are usually pretty quiet but Sunday's are hopping as many share their Saturday date experiences.

 

A suggestion; hit the "new posts" button and look at the resultant list. Pick a really long thread (most are pretty interesting) and read it from the beginning. I just did that this morning (I read fast) regarding a guy who is reconciling with his wife and started posting his thread back in 2006 (he updated this morning)...

 

Here's the link:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101383/

 

It's a realistic and uplifting read IMO....

 

Steady as she goes

[datingmum]

Unfortunately for me, we BOTH had huge problems that our deepening relationship allowed to come to the surface = him commitment, me fear of abandonment. so a constant dance of him acting just like a husband/father to my children, me saying let's get married, him pulling away, me getting crazy and jealous, break up. Repeat. x 15.

 

I can't stop thinking that if I can just fix these probs in myself, we'll be ok. And even if it is truly over, I NEED to be okay in myself. how do you do that? I am in therapy now. but it just isn't happening fast enough.

 

[jc]

"I can't stop thinking that if I can just fix these probs in myself, we'll be ok. And even if it is truly over, I NEED to be okay in myself.

 

 

It sounds as if you haven't really truly decided that things are over between the two of you. That may be where some of your anxiety and fear is coming from, because you haven't really made a decision that you know you'll stick with.

 

You say on one hand, "I won't let this go on", then you say, "IF it is truly over....".

 

IMO you need to really decide that it is over, if you want it to be. Otherwise, it sounds as though you will go back again and try again. And again. And again. None of us really want it to be over, but if you want to get over this and move on you have to really decide to do that. I had so much trouble getting to this point that I went to therapy and did some EMDR treatment on letting go.

[carhill]

Hey I'm six months in MC and just starting to get a grip on things. I may go the same route as the gentleman in the thread I linked, as our issues and his are pretty similar. It's a process Being an only, I naturally always wanted my way and right now; fortunately, my parents worked that out of me as a child so I'm much more patient with goals as an adult. I'll read your backstory for more understanding.

 

Just like a relationship, self-love is a process. I was 20+ years single before I got married, so I had lots of time for introspection In honesty, my marriage has eroded some of that self-love but therapy is helping me regain it. Interestingly, so has reading this forum. Hope it works for you

[sedona]

:eek:Hi guys,

 

coping with very painful breakup. doing all the right stuff right now, NC, therapy etc. But I just cannot seem to shift the obsessive thinking. I've sat in the house all day today with my little girls watching movies. I don't know what to do to get over this.

 

I know it takes time, I'm trying to be patient. Is it okay to let yourself just sit and read loveshack all day on a saturday?

 

You and I did pretty much the same thing today, for the same reasons. Is my addiction to BF changing to an addiction to LS?

[datingmum]

I blatantly have not decided. He left me this time because I was stressing out about other issues in my life and then my obsessive jealousy rose to the surface and I took it out on him. he left me and made it really really clear that he wasn't just breaking up because of teh jealousy but because he didn't think he wanted to be a father to my children, etc. He wrote me a letter 4 weeks ago however outlining our plans for moving forward to marriage! An overnight change?!

 

My therapist said the root of my problems is my fear of not being loved, my fear of abandonment, fear of lots of things about a committed relationship. That when I feel stressed or threatened in the relationship in any minor way, I begin to show extreme jealousy. She said that if I can get to the root of this, fix it, then I can be healthy in a relationship.

 

So, in an attempt to break my 'addiction' to feeling love by way of validation from him, I asked him for no contact. we argued about the fact that I said I was going to move on, i would accept that he wanted to break up. I said that I was going to draw the psychological line of going for coffee (not getting too involved) with some other guys that asked me out before. He freaked out.

 

but then he sent me this the next morning: I am sorry for what I did and said last friday. (the breakup conversation) I was caught in the moment and feeling trapped. please can i have my photograph of france back? (a small postcard of the beach where i first realised i loved him, which i took when i left his house) understand if you don't want to.

 

so, in an attempt to communicate but not speak to him, I bought a card of a generic beach scene, placed my therapists card inside (whom I began going to last week in desperation/agony and he said he would possibly see to), the postcard from france and the lyrics to snow patrol's run.

 

 

late that evening, at 2am, he texted simply this "Beautiful x"

 

i don't even know what i would say to him or want him to say. there is no quick way out of this mess. i am not going to be healed overnight and neither is he.

 

is there any hope? and if there is, how long do I need to ride out this need to contact him until i feel steady on my own? i've been like this my whole life so how in the world can i cure this in enough time to win him back/allow him to win me back?

[carhill]

Link to backstory

 

This has been going on for awhile....

 

In all sincerity, I would suggest complete NC while you work on yourself in and out of therapy. I can tell you with authority that, when someone loves you, they will wait and they will want you to be happy within yourself. If your relationship is meant to be, it is. If it is a stepping stone to a new truth for you, it is that. To my untrained eye, it appears both of you have insecure attachment styles and this, if correct, will be a never-ending cycle for you. Take comfort in the reality that it is quite common. You're not alone

 

Perhaps an additional distraction or mood-booster would be to help others here in areas where you feel confident and experienced. I'm sure there are such areas. This can help you to feel better within yourself and achieve satisfaction from helping another, even if only in a small way. Good feelings come from good deeds

[datingmum]

thank you for your replies.

 

Yes, it has been going on so long that everyone has stepped in to say "enough".

 

But how long till i stop obsessing and get on with the happy?

 

I am doing NC. Fully for only 3 days now. And I begged him for no contact because he has trouble not doing it as well.

 

Can an insecure attachment style be cured? Seriously, give me a ballpark time frame to get my head around how long this process is going to take. I keep imagining that it will all go away tomorrow or next week.

[s_n_d]

datingmum,

Hang in there. Its all you can do right now besides trying to get your mind off him.

 

If you ever feel like you need some advice, please post and let us know how your doing. I guarantee you that theres many others on LS going through the same ordeal as you or a similar one.

 

Stay strong.

[s_n_d]

thank you for your replies.

 

Yes, it has been going on so long that everyone has stepped in to say "enough".

 

But how long till i stop obsessing and get on with the happy?

 

I am doing NC. Fully for only 3 days now. And I begged him for no contact because he has trouble not doing it as well.

 

Can an insecure attachment style be cured? Seriously, give me a ballpark time frame to get my head around how long this process is going to take. I keep imagining that it will all go away tomorrow or next week.

 

Im sorry but I cannot give you a ball park figure.

It varies from person to person.

 

After three months, post breakup of my ex and I fighting and arguing over the breakup, It personally wasnt helping me moving on.

I started NC a month ago and Ive honestly lost all my attachment for him. However, If he were to contact me one day, I know Id more than likely reply. I still love him and care about him a lot. Almost all my trust in him is gone, however. If he ever came back, He would have to make up to me BIGTIME.

 

Give it time. You COULD lose that attachment to him in as little as a month of NC or more.

[openingup]

thank you for your replies.

 

Yes, it has been going on so long that everyone has stepped in to say "enough".

 

But how long till i stop obsessing and get on with the happy?

 

I am doing NC. Fully for only 3 days now. And I begged him for no contact because he has trouble not doing it as well.

 

Can an insecure attachment style be cured? Seriously, give me a ballpark time frame to get my head around how long this process is going to take. I keep imagining that it will all go away tomorrow or next week.

 

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

 

It took my getting really angry before NC really started working. Make yourself think of every hurtful and disrespectful thing he ever did in the relationship and magnify it - write it on sheets of paper and tape them around your house if you need to - to remind you of why you've chosen NC.

 

I've been in NC for a month now and feel like a new person. Don't let user b****** get you down!

[carhill]

Can an insecure attachment style be cured?

 

Cured? I doubt it. Treated through cognitive therapy? Yes, I believe it is possible. I meant the term in the global sense here, not situational, as in unique to your current relationship. I fear you might have this propensity. Happy to be wrong

 

One article of interest regarding adult manifestations:

http://web.utk.edu/~kgordon1/poster.html

 

Google ""insecure attachment style" for more iterations.

 

Generally, this issue is a function of genetics and socialization as a child as the brain function forms but can be situational (as in an abusive adult relationship).

 

Considering your circumstance and responsibilities, I would forgo trying to analyze the situation and focus on your immediate needs. Therapy can help, if affordable.

 

Continue NC

[datingmum]

Today is mother's day in the UK. I went out with girlfriends.

 

At one point, we were all talking about how men/women are in a relationship around kids and I said my ex's name and a close girlfriend TOTALLY freaked out and told me to shut up and never mention his name again.

 

Now I know that I've leaned on all of my friends too heavily throughout this process and that they are sick of seeing me destroying/allowing destruction in my relationships and the distress it has caused my children, but PLEASE! I cannot ever not mention him again, it's THREE YEARS OF MY LIFE!

 

Besides which, anyone who could bear to spend all the time reading my posts from day one to now will understand that I have begun a transformation spanning years. I thought before that I was confident, attractive, totally cool and uneedy and all 'healed' from my childhood.

 

The truth was, I wrote/thought that way when I was in the driving seat of the relationship, when I spent my time demanding, pushing him away, and poisoning our relationship with my unresolved insecurities/irrational jealousy etc and he would keep coming back for more (my way of testing his loyalty - screwed up, eh?). The very fact that I have asked him to please please not contact me on this occasion, until I contact him, until I am stronger, is a testament to understanding that his contact is a 'bump' for my self-esteem, a little bit of heroin. The fact that I told him to change all of his email passwords to prevent my spying/winding myself up/blowing up at him over nothing obsessive compulsive cycle is a sign that I am changing, that I am taking responsibility for what I have done to damage the relationship.

 

I have never been truly 'on my own' all of my adult life. I always either had a husband, a few guy interests on the go, or then my relationship with current (ex-ish). That is why I experience the crushing TERROR and wild feeling of uncontrollable anger. This pattern has been present throughout ALL OF MY RELATIONSHIPS. I think it is time that I start owning up to that.

 

Keeping in NC with him for now is an experiment for me in helping me to feel/rediscover myself. To become confident in being on my own and not 'needing' anyone. To love myself. To learn to feed, eat, work out, sleep, be a great mum, a good employee, and eventually to be strong enough to get back out there and start pursuing the old hobbies I allowed to drop in when caught up in the endless cycles of 'drama' I helped create.

 

When I come to think of it, his 'i don't love you anymore (2 days later - I didn't really mean it)' 'i don't know if I want this life as provider blah blah' became his only means of control in our relationship. I riddled him constantly about his whereabouts, his relationships with colleaugues, his goings on when he went out, even got to the stage where I was fighting with him because I offended him repeatedly by suggesting his best friend was gay and in love with him and that maybe my ex was gay too (HOW F&CKED UP IS THAT?!?!?!)

 

Every day I'm learning a little bit more and re-reading/posting on this site has helped me to chronicle my thoughts/behaviours. I have painted myself as a saint and a sinner on this site. I am neither really.

 

But back to my friends, am I right in saying that though I realise their intentions are good, they have NO RIGHT to tell me that I can never see him again, entertain thoughts of reconciliation, speak of him, expose my children to him.

 

You see, they were not there for all the insanity I propogated. We represent ourselves very differently when we are in pain, the 'victim'. That is all they saw. Because I never really celebrated the good stuff. I just kept causing the 'drama'. Subconsciously trying to 'prove' to myself that I am unloveable and worth abandonment. Pushing this into fruition.

 

So what do you all think of my progress so far? Sorry if I'm boring the tits off of you, as they say here....

[s_n_d]

My friends are the same. They try to keep me from talking about him. So far, theyve been successful. I have made a pact with one of my bestfriends that I will never mention his name again and she shouldnt either (Shes a friend of my exs). My other bestfriend and I talk about my ex minimally.

I guess our friends just dont want us to be sulking over the breakups. My friends have told me numerous times that they hate seeing me in the state I am. I agree with them. I have been mildy depressed since the breakup FOUR MONTHS ago and it was a waste of those four months. I wish love wasnt so complicated.

[datingmum]

oh, snd, I'll listen.

 

That's why I'm on lovehshack.

 

1. It helps to get unbiased opinion (*if* we can be honest with ourselves in posting)

2. it helps to have support that does not drain our friendships - that's why we're all here

 

Four months seems a very long time (but hey, saying that I've been breaking up/getting back together for nearly two years now )...where do your posts about this begin?

[s_n_d]

I joined LS in December. These forums have helped me A LOT.

 

At first, I only posted with the intention of getting my ex back. Now, its the least thing I want. However if he did want to get back together, Id probably agree to it.

 

Its hard but after NC, Its getting a lot a lot better.

[datingmum]

Hello people.

 

Today was different yet again. I felt all the old urges, but more a sadness and fear around how much work there is left to do.

 

Bad things today: not working enough, crying, checking out my dating site 'hits' too many times, mostly checking - waiting for the phone to go and it be him.

 

Victory for me today: went to the gym (though I realised at the gym while surfing the net on my blackberry) that I was wasting my energy and effort going through these obsessive, draining things. Then I started to read articles on 'abandonment issues'. Yes, that's right. I directed it towards me, not outwards towards what he may be thinking and feeling. It was strange because I did all this while sitting having a coffee in the gym. I've read these sorts of articles before, but for some reason, today, I read them and they started pushing some serious buttons. Buttons that I didn't think possible. And then I went and RAN! Just for 10 minutes, but I showered and went to work for a while. The whole process took about 2.5 hours. A small step, but an interesting turn.

 

Tonight, I am in bed super early reading more of these articles. I feel a bit scared so I've put on a meditation CD my friend gave me for company. Mozart.

 

 

I am beginning to think about all that I did in this relationship. How I effectively abandoned him before he could abandon me, how I pushed him very hard to his own damaged limits. I am thinking about how he has loved me and respected my space - knowing only too well from the past how hard this has got to be for him too.

 

My girls brought it up again tonight. They started crying because they said "We don't want you to break up with Andy". How can I tell them what has happened? I try my best, in small metaphors, to reference their own childish arguments with one another. And I tell them that I'm sorry for the arguments that we've had, listened to how they felt about it, encourage them to share while respecting when the topic veers to 'I don't like cheese on my toast".

 

 

Oh yeah, one more bad thing I did today. I went round his house when I knew he was at work and peeked through his windows. Round the back I just wound myself up, I saw new wine glasses and "two!!" glasses in the sink. But when I went round the front and saw into his bedroom, I saw my card there, propped up on his bedside table. It made me so happy and so damned sad at the same time. Not sad because he's left me and stayed away, I am starting to think it was the healthiest thing we've done in a long time. But sad because the man loves me and cared very much for me and my family and I just didn't know what I was doing.

 

I pray that when, after time has passed and we get to a place where the conversation arises, that my suspicions are correct. He loves me and wants it to work. I am hoping that he too will find a way to work on his stuff, that he is, that he isn't tortured. But I did give him the card for the therapist in his card, our last communication, a silent message. Please hope for me that this is the case. Because even if I am strong and getting healthier, I can't do it on my own. I hope too that no contact is making him really think. PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE let this be the case, whether for me or for the next woman in his life.

 

I have been thinking about, wanting, building up the courage to call him. In a different sort of way though - not for validation or answers.

 

I want to call him to encourage him. I am worried that he might not understand what I am doing, though I know he does. To be light, but simply say that I am learning. Things are shifting. But also that the girls talk about him all the time. To say thank you for respecting my boundaries, it is one step towards building trust again.

 

But is this a good idea at this stage? I have been known to be 'deluded' before.

[Ssheena]

Dating mum. Sigh. If only you had ditched him way back when. This is like pulling a bandaid off before what's underneath is totally healed. Break up, back together, break up, back together. I guess it's like a smoker quitting over and over until finally, they do.

 

I don't blame your friends. How long has this been going on? I remember your threads and I posted on them before. THINK OF THE EXAMPLE YOU ARE SETTING FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!! Be the strong, independant woman they need to see as an example. If you were a guy, I'd say grow a pair. If you can't get over it for you, get over him for good for your children. What would you tell one of them if they were in your shoes????

Especially after all this time.

 

You deserve better. You can do this and the time is now.

[superfox]

Hi Datingmum,

 

Sorry to hear your story. I really think that you are revisioning the past and painting a picture as if this man was flawless. In relationships it takes two people, and each one could have done things differently. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your friends do love and care about you but sometimes there is only so much they can handle. If I were you I would communicate to them and be transparent, let them know how you feel and t hat you just want to get out and have fun and be FREE of thinking and talking about him - they will understand.

 

Also I'd like to recomend a book for you it is called "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie, its a great book, and will teach you how to be more independent in relationships and how to deal with loss. Go along with the book and do the exercises at the end of each chapter. When people are codependent they can turn into rescuers, or want to know what their partner is doing, and kind of become controlling, and at times this can result in negative things such as being pushed away. The truth is you can't change anyone, you couldn't change him from doing things differently - he can only change himself no matter what you do. You can think about him, visit his house but nothing you do will make him come back. He will need to do that on his own.

 

I suggest to move on and not even want him back. Even if you do get him back everything will be on his terms you won't be equals in this relationship...He knows your insecurities, and weaknesses, so he may always have this upperhand. You need to get in a good healthy relationship and that book I mentioned goes into steps about how to love again, and how to deal with the past.

 

Try to be strong for your kids! Set an example for them. Kids are so smart they know what is going on and when we aren't healthy they know and this can leave psycholgical marks on them and change their attitude towards relationships so just be careful around them and do your best!!!

 

Don't blame yourself for the failure of the relationship. I am sure a lot of abandonment issues are related to other parts of your life perhaps before your relationship even started so you need to get down to dealing with those. Are you keeping a journal? If not I really suggest you write your thoughts down and remember to reflect on them later. Also maybe try paining your thoughts, it can be an amazing experience. Also throw out anything that reminds you of him, delete old emails, don't look for him online, be strong! Time is not always the healer, it is what you can do with that time to make yourself better. Good on you for going to the gym! Try to keep yourself busy, and smile! Let your friends know that you know you have gone on a lot about the past but you want to move forward they will help you!

[s_n_d]

Datingmum, Please DO NOT make any contact with him. Sure, itll make you happy at first, BUT it will be followed by deep sadness.

 

I think that how your explaining the situation with your kids is best. Like you said, kids dont understand but they do know when something is wrong.

 

Go out with your kids, or keep your kiddies with a babysitter and go out with your friends. Anything to keep your mind off him. You need to be strong for your kids.