kittensmittens Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 So....hi again. I'm back on here. ....My ex and I broke up 8 mos ago, I wrote all about it on here (we were together 4 years, i found out he was lying and he kicked me out of our apartment, did many dishonorable things, etc. Oh, and he was my first love too...). The last 8 months were sheer HELL. At least they certainly started out that way. I was devastated, depressed, hopeless and I felt like I had been completely mind f*cked by him. I nearly dropped out of school last semester...twice, and I couldn't seem to move on (even though he had)....and it was just plain HELL. Even though I had great difficulty reconciling the two images of him in my mind: good ex--the one I fell in love with who seemed so genuine/sensitive/supportive/wonderful...and bad ex, the one who lies and throws me out like the trash...I knew he wasn't a good person afterall, so I realized I needed to move on and just plugged away at it. Over time, I started realizing I had more respect for myself. I felt strong. I started dating around and got a little bit involved with another guy. I finally started feeling objective. I was actually feeling OK...and even GOOD about being single (which I had NEVER felt before). I even felt like I could fathom/look forward to...falling in love with someone else. Then he started emailing me. I decided I was going to ignore him. Then things fell through with the other guy and I was at a lower point. I truly did miss my ex as a friend. He was my best friend. I still felt objective for the most part, but there were still some feelings that had been buried and he had broken up w/ his newer gf, so a little bit of the hope creeped back in. So....I caved and called him. I told myself that I can handle whatever happens, I can be friends. That was 3 weeks ago. I'm already completely attached all over again! When we started hanging out I realized he really wasn't all that attractive (which surprised me) and that there are things about his personality--even if he is a good guy--that I just don't want in another person. And....he ISN'T a good person. He's a fake, he LIES, he's self-absorbed/centered, he's lacking in integrity and character, he has hardly any ambition in life, he's immature and irresponsible, and worst of all, he's incredibly manipulative. But he's soooooooo good at pretending he doesn't possess those qualtiies. And that's where the trouble starts. I KNOW I shouldn't be with him. I know he's not right for me. I know if he declared love for me right now and we got back together....I would end up heartbroken at some point. But it's too late. I'm already there. I told myself that if we're going to get back together, HE'S the one on trial and it's MY choice....I get to decide if HE'S good enough for ME and if I even want him. At the risk of sounding completely shallow...I CAN do better than him. But I'm back in love with HIM. He's back up on the pedestal and I'm having trouble seeing him objectively again....it's almost as if I never even felt that way. He has made it clear that he just wants to be friends. He told me that he doesn't have any of the same feelings for me and he's not going to ever again.....which is like a knife. So I'm back to square 1. He says he doesn't want to lead me on or let me hold out false hopes and hurt me again.....which seems honorable....so I'm back to questioning his character instead of seeing it for what it really is....non-existent. Instead of telling him all the reasons I shouldn't even be talking to him AT ALL, I'm back to practically begging for him. He's so lucky to have me back in his life at all....I just don't get any of it. How? Why?? I don't know what to do. Getting back in touch w/ him...I felt like I was reconnecting with a part of myself. Even when I was feeling better, I missed the connection w/ him b/c it's like no other. It's so hard to let go of the past and a person who meant so much to me. I didn't have as much meaning to him though. This hurts so much. The devastation isn't as intense, but I feel heartbroken all over again. I never should have called him. Sorry this is so long....just need moral support, I guess...
xpaperxcutx Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Your ex is not someone you should be in contact with anymore. He sounds very emotionally draining and because he was your first love, you have a hard time letting go of him. Proceed with NC. He has placed his needs above your own, these type of person would lie and cheat their way out of a situation. You mustn't hold on to your false images of the guy that you first met, he has already shown his true colors. Would he bother concealing them again? Definitely not until he finds a new gf. He has no feelings for you, because he's selfabsorbed, and can't be bothered with your feelings. Cease all contact with him. Delete his number, burn his pictures whatever is necessary that won't remind you of him. Do not hang out with him anymore. He's only stringing you along because he knows you're still holding on, that just makes you more vulnerable. Dont give him control. Cease contact and you cease his control.
s_n_d Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 xpaperxcutx is 100% right. && Thanks xpaperxcutx, I needed that advice too.
Author kittensmittens Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Thanks guys....I know I need to cut him off and it looks like it's happening whether I decide for it to or not.... The last time we talked (night before last) I was upset and wanting answers and it was going around in circles....so he ended up hanging up on me. This is something he would do when we were together, but it really wasn't necessary this time (or the other times, in fact!). So I tried calling him back right away twice to tell him this, then sent a text saying this....and that was it. I haven't heard from him since. This is a REALLY big urge to fight, but I am NOT going to go chasing after him. I don't feel though like he's going to call me again. I could be wrong, but even if he does, it will probably be the last contact we have. I think he's realizing it's too much work to be my friend and it's only causing problems, so he's through with me again. I hate this so much. The only thing I want right now is to be where he is....I feel so anxious right now and I feel like the only way it will go away is if I'm near him. There are so many memories tied to him.....I just can't let go. I was doing so much better and now all these feelings are back. How can he do this to me??? I feel like screaming or throwing up or something.
Author kittensmittens Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Ugh... Why doesn't he want me?? When we went out the other night, a lot of guys hit on me, were checking me out, and even bought me drinks, right in front of him! He was always kind of a jealous person, but it didn't even phase him. He just doesn't care anymore. I'm attractive, smart, funny, talented, and I'm a good person. I have qualities he wants AND needs, there's already a deeper connection there, and I'm his best friend....but it's just not "there"?? Other guys who are much more attractive than him, more ambitious, and just better people in general would be lucky to have me. He would be lucky to have me if he HADN'T completely destroyed my heart and treated me like sh*t....so he's lucky I'm even TALKING to him. How can he do this?? How can he not want me?? Other guys who are better than him want me! But I don't want them. I want him. I feel completely unwanted and worthless right now. I just want to be near him. I know he's gotta be awake by now....so he's not calling me again today, I guess. I'm back to waking up and feeling dead inside. After so much time together, how can all feelings for me just be gone? ...Except I'm his "best friend" and he "still finds me attractive"??.... I just don't understand and it f*cking hurts like hell. If I had someone with my good qualities who absolutely loved me and adored me, and cared so deeply for me....especially when other people in my life who were supposed to provide that kind of love didn't....I would never let that go.
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